Brother and Sister Can Not Get Along at All

It seems like you get involved in the arguments and such. Stay out of it. Tell them to deal or go to their rooms. He is pubescent -- she is a tween. There are hormones raging!
If they start acting up, don't ask who started it, just send them to their rooms for a time out. 15 min. each ought to do it.
I used to make my kids play in one room together without talking for 10 min. They didn't have to play together - they just had to be. More often than not, they'd want to stay together after the 10 min. Sometimes I put them in front of a puzzle at the dining room table, other times I'd put them in a room with a bunch of legos on the floor. They didn't have to work together, they just had to be - and NO talking.
They learned to apologize, get along, and just be.
LBC

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Hey there!! Check out this link! It's helped many families!

Good luck!

http://www.med.umich.edu/yourchild/topics/sibriv.htm

Ignore them, NEVER take sides and refuse to listen to their squabbles. Hitting is different and merits a time out for BOTH children. If you only punish the hitter, the instigator will be happy and instigate even more. Its normal for siblings to argue and they will hit if allowed to. Dont make them play with each other, that only pushes them further apart. You will be surprised when they are in their 20's how close they will be and how much they remember the good times growing up.

You can take a vacation with no TV, video games or friends, and they will temporarily play with each other out of necessity (it doesn't mean all fighting will stop - just that they may team up for awhile). Otherwise, they will behave this way until your middle son goes to college. Then they'll each develop their own identity without being in the shadow of each other. Just because they fight doesn't mean they don't love each other - kids just know how to push each other's buttons. (Just hope when they start dating, they don't date each other's friends)

D., I have to agree with those who have said that the kids don't have enough to do. A teenager is past the point of mom telling him what to do in terms of playing games and such. If they don't get along, then they should spend time with their friends. A 13 year old boy and a 10 year old girl are really not "playmates." I would suggest that they spend more time with their individual friends than with each other.

I have no answers.....
just commiserating with you.
When I was a child.... all me and my sister did was fight... it was like your kids.
I hated it.... my sister was the 'instigator'... and just so so bully like.
I actually did not 'like' her... at all, as a person.
She in turn, said she resented me, as the youngest. Which was not my fault. I was just born the youngest. But that was her beef with me. She even as an adult... had issues being a sibling.

Sure my parents tried all kinds of things.
They treated us the same and not unfairly.
My sibling, just resented having me around. She even told me that once.
Geez.

It is either a typical problem of siblings fighting... or it can be a real 'problem' like my sibling had. Which needs a Shrink. We get along now.... but I will not fully trust her. She still does things behind my back and thinks I don't know.

all the best,
Susan

Hello there. I am sure this isn't the response you are looking for, but sometimes I think there's not much you can do about these sort of things. I am the oldest of three and my brother and sister FOUGHT like cats and dogs our whole childhood- it was enough to drive me crazy so I can't imagine how my mother managed.

ANyway, perhaps as they get older (like after college) they will figure it out and settle down but in my experience there's nothing to be done. I will watch for your other responses as I am curious!

Best of luck!

Hi D.,

Why is it so important that they get along at this stage? Why not separate them and give them jobs? Keep them both busy, and by the time they sit down together at dinner, they'll have no energy or desire to fight! Maybe when they get older, they'll connect again.

"Grams"
from the Pocono Mts. of PA

They are at the age to stop getting involved. I'm not saying let your house turn into lord of the flies, but if they don't learn to work together as a team in the next few years, they never will. They are the perfect age for summer camp and there are several week long camps you can connect to through your church or school counselor that focus on team building and strengthening resilience.

Although they are different ages, once you explain your reason for wanting them on the same group or team, the counselors will allow it. They do it all the time.

You know your kiddos best to decide if this would be beneficial. Sending them away from you and their usual territorial battles to a new environment with different rules where they have to develop a bond and work together to overcome challenges just might change their lives. And yours.

Imagine your kiddos coming back home after a week suddenly sharing knowing glances about secret adventures and sticking up for each other instead of posting the blame. Although they could just combine their evil genius and be twice the trouble they are now, but at least they'd be on the same side, right?

There is a great book called "Siblings Without Rivalry" I loved it and used it both at home and in the classroom to teach.

Also check into her feelings of frailty. Does he or even in the past did he say things that made her doubt his "brotherly"love for her. Kids say mean things and he could have said something she does not even remember that hit deep and has left scars. I highly recommend a short stint of counseling for her to get to the root and she might reveal something he is still doing that sets her off.

Kids fight and you have to set limits for them. He might not have patience to teach and could use a little coaching on how to help. She might have no patience for herself. So many factors to be considered.

Hi,

Your kids need to get more involved in their own activities. If they have less time together they will fight less. boredom = fighting.

My (younger) sister and I have a bad relationship since day 1. The more my mom tried to "make" us get along the more irritating it was - for both of us.

I suggest they are not busy enough doing "their thing". volunteer at a food bank or hospital, deliver newspapers, cut grass for the neighbors - whatever. Just get them busy and into their own lives and the peace should increase at your house!

Good Luck!

stop trying to make them do things together. sibling rivalry is very common. they are individuals with each having their own personality. try to schedule them for one to be at home while the other is at a friends house. set up sleepovers like this also, they dont get along it normal. best is keep them seperated as much as possible. same with chores dont have them do chores where they have to maintain close contact. not all sibling like each other. if you dontl ike someone you dont hang around them. also this way when you do all hang out it .may make it better. they will probably grow out of it

Sit them down and tell them how disappointing it is when they act so childish with all their fighting. Let them know that they are far too old to be acting that way and ask them what they need to do to stop the constant arguing. Let them throw out ideas and write everything down on what they plan to do to avoid things in the future. Rule #1 is always no hitting, pushing, pinching, or punchig.

When they start fighting again just tell them that they aren't following their guidelines and they need to stop. Separate them if need be but never take sides because they are both wrong.

I use to tell my kids (4 kids in 51/2 yrs) that I was Switzerland (meaning I was neutral and wouldn't take sides). They worked out things on their own. Now they are all in their 20's and at times I still remind them that I am Switzerland.