Behavioral Issues...sorry I Kind of Went a Little Long

How do you discipline? When my DD got into her sister's makeup, she had to help me clean up and she had to apologize to SD and she had to do time out. Other times she's lost privileges (like she can't watch her TV show).

Every kid has a thing they want or love. Find it. Use it. My SD is social, so she loses her phone, internet access or permission to go hang out. SS was money and possession motivated. He had to pay fines and he lost the wires to his video games or the entire console.

http://www.empoweringparents.com/Why-Do-Kids-Children-and...#

The article mentions that you make a consequence that fits the crime and make it simple. If she lied about going to a friend's house or what happened there, then perhaps the consequence is simply, "No, you cannot play with anybody this week. You lied to me about where you were so you need to stay home."

We've also impressed on the sks that they cannot take more than they can earn. If they take, they lose. SS didn't come home on time with the car? He can't borrow the car. He has to take the bus or not go out.

You can also do things like follow up on her. Call the teacher. I wouldn't expect a 5 yr old to just bring a class pet home. I'd expect a call from the teacher asking permission.

When I drew on my mom's white bathroom wall with a marker, I had to scrub the wall. If my DD used a bunch of soap, she'd be cleaning it up and apologizing to the homeowner. If she has an allowance, she'd be buying new soap.

I would not give her any more attention than necessary in the aftermath. Don't make the crimes garner more attention. Even if you have to hear that she did wrong while you were out, go out sometimes. Don't let her hold everyone hostage.

On the flip side, if you catch her being good, say so. When she does the RIGHT thing, tell her. Teach her what to do instead. "DD you shared really nicely at Suzy's house. I was really happy to see that."

Oh hon - I feel your pain. I have a son who is quite a challenge and once he 'warms up' to someone he feels he can show his 'true spirit'!!!!! Thing is - he KNOWS right from wrong (because he'll tell others what to do/not to do) but doesn't 'practice what he preaches'..
It seems if I tell him not to do something he is obsessive about doing whatever it is. In our case there is an element of ADHD and pervasive development disorder but we've spent his 5 years trying to figure out what behaviors he can truly control and what he cannot.

Anyway - what has worked for us is finding his 'currency'. In my sons case it is playing with my iPad. There are certain games and astronomy apps on there that he loves and can keep him entertained for hours. So, if he starts acting up and doing things we've told him not to/or continuing with things after we've told him to stop (or we get a negative report from school/daycare) he does not get any iPad time in the evening. If, after taking that priviledge away, he continues acting up I take the next coveted thing away from him (in his case - no helicopter toy)....and so on.......

Another thing we implement is over-playing positive behaviors...if he his sitting nicely or does something nice or whatever it is I make sure to let him know I notice and am proud of his choices. I try not to make a HUGE fuss of the bad behaviors (even negative attention is good) so, if I am disciplining I will, as calmly as possible say, "iPad is put away for the night", turn my back and not say anything - sometimes he doesn't have much of a reaction, others he'll scream and fuss, etc. As long as he's not in harms way and he is not hurting anyone else I ignore the outburst.

Wow my daughter is the exact same. Sneeky (hides things), lies, tells stories, doesn't listen, doesnt follow directions. She goes thru a few weeks phases of really good behavior, then really bad... Her teacher sends reports home daily and there has been a lot of bad ones. I have tried time outs, we have a behavior chart with a treat bag at home, she's been grounded from computer and TV for weeks, I have taken all her toys away and she had to earn them back. All that, and she still acts out. She doesnt care, thinks its a joke. We have been going to a counselor for over a year now. One even went to her school once a week. They are actually going to re-evaluate her for ADHD this month. I don't want to put her on meds though, and she may still be too young, but I would like a diagnosis. Then I think the school can try to work with her more and maybe be more understanding that I am trying my best. I've tried everything. She is very bright and smart and there is no denying that. Sometimes she's too smart and can be manipulative. Everyday from school is a bad report. She is constantly testing boundries. Just wanted to let you know, you are not alone. It get very frustrating. We have been trying to figure out why she acts this way. Starved for attention? She is a only child, she gets ALL the attention... Oh, I WILL say, one good punishment which has been working is making her write sentences.... like "I will be good at school." or "I will be nice to my friends," - 25 times or more. She hates it!! and it WORKS....

I think I would be making sure she is under direct supervision, more like a toddler than a 5 year old, until some of her implusive habits are broken. I'd use immediate and logical consequences for any bad behavior. Yanks a toy from a neighbor friend? Step in and give it back to the little girl and leave with your child immediately. Before she gets to play with the girl again or play with any other friends or toys, a note of apology to her friend and friend's parent for her behavior. Bathroom issue? She can buy a new soap and deoderizer with her allowance or do chores to earn the money for one, go out to buy it with you and bring it to your SIL's house with a note of apology. TV messed with? There would be no TV for awhile. Lying means she's broken your trust and you don't believe what she says until it can be verified. I think you can leave her out of some family outings if you have one parent or caregiver that can stay with her. It would probably be a good lesson if you planned to take the other kids out to whatever place she's had a bad behavior episode at and she had to stay home because of what happened the last time.

I'm sorry I dont have any answers for you. I just wanted to tell you you're not alone. I am dealing with this type of thing currently with my four year old. His thing is cooking, he is always on the roku watching cooking videos (mainly). So now he wants to cook something constantly. I have thrown away so much ruined food... I hate it when food gets wasted. Just have to stick it out. The kid can't win. They need to know there are consequences to their actions. It's hard and time consuming and every child is different so... . Respond right away to bad and good behavior. Praise, Praise, Praise good decisions like have a freaking parade in the house praise. Gotta make the good choices she makes so much more disirable than the bad ones. If my four year old is good, he gets to help with dinner. It's starting to work. Everyday is long. But this to shall pass! Good luck!

Oh momma what a challenge! She sounds bored and overstimulated. And it sounds like she has been getting away with things for a while. If she keeps lying, then I wouldn't allow her to talk. If she needs to say anything, she can write them down. As for her toys, take them all away. She can slowly earn them back with good behavior. Keep her on a strict routine and if she is that out of hand at home and getting into things, keep her with you in the same room at all times, even if it means her sitting on the floor or a chair while you do your work or better yet make her help you. She will hate it and that will give you leverage. Her behavior is extreme and calls for extreme measures.

So sorry you're dealing with this. I was wondering if you'd talked to your pediatrician? If it was me, I'd want to make sure there was no physical reason for the behavior. For example, low blood sugar and UTI's are both things that can contribute to bad behavior. Or taking steroids for a medical problem can turn a child into hell on wheels.
Best Wishes!