Behavior - Salem,OR

There is a saying - "we all have different parents"...meaning as siblings, there is a unique perception and experience for each child with their parents that we live and carry forward in life.
You can try to talk about it and perhaps explain what she may not understand....if that does not help she needs to heal this herself. I've treated many people stuck in pain regarding their parents, real or imagined - it's very real to them and I respect that and help it resolve.
Good luck,
Liz

No matter what the "transgression" or how extreme, our main concerns would be better to focus on forgiving ourselves and regaining our own confidence. Improving ourselves is the best way we can help our children, and it is also the only thing we really have control over. Counseling is a godsend which, in my opinion, not enough people take advantage of. Think about the poor folks before us who never even had access to this understanding and expertise! There are many christian counselors out there who can help guide us to our own hearts.

No matter the relationship -- spouse, child, friend, etc. -- we always help those around us when we help ourselves to grow. Good luck, and I am sure that with your love, good intentions and sincere heart, time will bring your daughter closer to you. Take care. :-)

One of the most tried and true methods for adult children to resolve resentment and pain accrued through past parenting is for THEM to experience helping a child, ideally their own, overcome adversity. The child they help needs to be about the same age they were when they were scarred (so 8, in your child's case.

This is known as The Dance. We tend, as adults with children of our own, to find ourselves at a loss when we are parenting a child who is now roughly the same age we were when we suffered a transgression (however well-intended our parents were).

When we can effectively nurture our child through the same age period we help ourselves heal from our original transgression.

Please read Optimal Parenting by Ba Luvmour (or Natural Learning Rhythms by the same author) or check out his website
http://www.encompassfamilies.org

This is where I first read about this kind of healing growth in adults. Ba and Josette (his wife and longtime work mate) have been helping families up and down this coast for over 25 years. They have inspired and helped our family.

Best Wishes.

C.,
My advice is to not push. Your daughter will come around if and when she's ready. You might try inviting her over some time for coffee (or whatever) and she can talk. Do the best you can to keep quiet and just listen to what's bothering her now and in the past. It should just be the two of you and plan on a couple of hours when you won't be interrupted.

Let her know that you'll always be her mother, and that you'll always love her.

My sister-in-law has very strained relationships with all 4 of her adult children. She has tried to mend fences over and over again, but she continues to fail because their parent-child relationship is always on her terms. She gets bent out of shape when they don't call or come over when she thinks they should. If asked for advice, and they don't do what she commands, she yells at them.

I told you that so you can hopefully avoid the mess she's in. My sister-in-law is a very loving and caring person and wouldn't intentionally hurt anyone. She's just very self centered and focuses on what she thinks is best and forces that others.

I wish you all the best. F.

Listen to them and their feelings about whatever happened with an open mind and do not be defensive. Try to understand them and tell them how you empathize. Own up to your part. Explain, but don't excuse yourself. Don't blame them or dismiss their feelings. You are helping to restore an eight-year-old heart, not an eighteen-year-old one.

Hi C. -

I'm someone who carried pain from my childhood as a result of the strong-arm tactics my mother used when I was a kid. It has been a process learning how to let go of that and forgive my mom. Probably the most significant thing that helped me was that my mom actually apologized for the mistakes she made and asked me to forgive her. Hearing her express remorse for her wrong actions and demonstrating that she truly is a changed person in her showing respect for me as a person did wonders for my heart and my view of her. She now listens and isn't harsh or critical. Our relationship didn't blossom over night, but it has gradually grown over the last 10 years since I got married and moved out of my parents house. I now feel my mom is a good friend, whereas before I just felt like she was trying to control me. If you have already apologized to your daughter and she is still struggling, I would say if you just keep loving her and reaching out to her, offering your time and offering to help her when you can, she may soften over time. The only response you can control is your own--you can't control her responses. You might also ask her if she would go to a family therapist with you to help the two of you work through any obstacles that are still there. Some people are open to that.

Also, I would recommend reading the book Parenting From the Inside Out.

Blessings,
J.

Hello C.,

I have a lot of empathy for your desire to change the situation between yourself and your daughter. Congratulations on recognizing that you want something different for your relationship and something better for her.

I can only speak from my personal experiences, and will be as brief as I can. My childhood was very, very troubled due to the choices both my mother and father made. They split up while she was pregnant with me, and have remained so. As a young adult (and up into my early 30's) I had a lot of personal issues that were fallout from my early years. I sought counselling in my late twenties and tried to address some past events with my parents. My father was willing to go into a counselling situation with me. It was, at times, excruciating work, and I am happy to say that while our relationship isn't perfect, I now have reasonable expectations of him, of who he is, and understand him better. It's been a blessing to get to know who he is past my anger and hurt, and for him to get to know me better.

While I invited my mother into counselling with me, sadly, she refused. When I approached her about incidents that were very traumatic, she was very defensive and made excuses, blamed others and refused any responsibility. It seems that no one was traumatized by her choices more than she was, and no one has the right to ask for her help in their own healing. Nonetheless, I've made it clear that for us to have a relationship, counseling is necessary. I didn't want to blame her, but to heal our relationship. I haven't heard from her in nearly ten years.

I'm glad you have made the choice to help your daughter, and I just want to say this, as a daughter to a mother: stick with it. It is hard, it feels really dark and ugly sometimes to go back to mistakes that we have made, but it is so, so worthwhile for your relationship. Having that third party in the room who will validate everyone's feelings is so essential, and doing the hard emotional work is so important. I am not one to share my personal life to strangers, but I think you really want to know what to do. Be real, be honest, be invested in the process, even when it makes you angry or scared or feel awful. I did it with my dad and am grateful for it every day. I know he is too.

I know you are trusting in Christ, so let me add one more thought: if you take those steps out there, God will build a bridge for you. You may not see it for a long time, but it will be there. Give your daughter a lot of time to take those steps toward you, and give this process a lot of time. Hopefully, she will move closer to being the person she wants to be, as you become the person you want to be.

My very best to you,

H.

It sounds like you have alot of good responces already, so I'll be quick. My mother any I have struggled with our relationship since I was very young, for a variety of reasons. When I was in high school, I got realy frustrated because everytime I would try to approach her it turned into a fight and I was cut off and never allowed to express myself. Finally, after several hours of verbal fighting, I wrote her a letter and left it on her pillow. She found it several hours later and wrote me back. Ever since then, when we need to deal with emotionaly charged topics we write eachother. This is a really great way to communcate because you can really think out what you want to say na d how you want to word it. Plus, the reader has time to consider your words before responding. My mom and I have moved past many of the issues between us since then - but alot of that only came from me gainig some perspective and seeking to forgive her. If I were you, I would write your daughter. Tell her how you feel about what went on in her childhood, but don't make excuses. Then snail mail it to her. The time it takes for the postal service to reach her will allow you time to focus on the fact that all you can do is open the channels of communication. If she is not ready to face this issue and deal with it, at least she will know that you are aware of her pain and ready to hear from her when she is ready. Basically by writing, you open the door with no pressure for her to walk through. Then the ball is in her court.

Good Luck and God bless!

You know, my own mother made a lot of mistakes while she raised me. I went through my college years exploring ways I was 'wronged' as a youth. She was aware of that at the time, and while it was painful, she pointed out to me that what's in the past is done. She didn't apologize for too many things. And quite honestly, I think she did the best she could. And after that it was my place to forgive and move on, or hold onto past hurts. I could make the decision to stay angry or to move forward and try to have whatever relationship I could with my mother.

Mothers are not saints. They are not angels. They are not perfect. We set such a high expectation on mothers, that they often fail to live up to what we want. We are disappointed, let down, hurt. Mothers are just people. Mothers are women, human beings with faults and who make mistakes.

When I had children of my own I finally saw, and am still constantly seeing, what is involved in raising kids. And sometimes that means making tough decisions and having your children be angry with you. Sometimes I have to go to my kids and apologize for losing my temper, shouting, not giving them my attention, whatever. It is humbling, but I know I am not perfect. And I need to let them see I am human, too, just like them.

Tell your child you are sorry for making mistakes, that you did your best at the time. Really mean it. But you can't go back and change it, and ultimately your child must decided to move ahead and there is not much you can do but be patient and wait. You say you have learned a lot about patience, so now you can put what you've learned to good use.
Don't spend too much time stressing over what is done, my dear. Go about your life, and as Ghandi said, "Be the change you wish to see in the world."

She can't get over it until she believes that you get it. Listen to her, admit where you were wrong, resist the urge to defend yourself. Just simply state. "I know I did not do it all right, but I always loved you and did the best I knew how. I have learned from my mistakes, but as much as I would like to, I cannot go back and undo the things I have done"

have you tried to talk to her. try to talk when no one else is around. this could also be your perspective and she is not holding any pain. you could also approach her let her know what you think and then wait for her to come to you.
Paula