At a Breaking Point with My Husband

Hi L.. I just wanted to let you know that I am pulling for you and wishing you the best.

I've been with my husband for 5 years, too, and we've gone through periods where we barely spoke. We eventually had to come to the conclusion that we love each other, want to be together forever, and are willing to do WHATEVER it takes to stay together in a loving, happy marriage. That couldn't have happened, though, without communication. Perhaps you can talk to you husband about this tonight.

I rarely ever tell people exactly what to do, especially when I don't know the person well or know both sides of the story. However, if I were you, I'd go downstairs, give him a long, heartfelt hug, and ask him what is going on. Ask him to just open up to you and tell you what's on his mind and just listen to him. Listen to him whole heartedly. After he pours his heart out, ask him if he's willing to hear your side of the story. If he is, pour your heart out. If he's not, ask him why and when he would like to hear you share your feelings with him. Now, if you do this and he doesn't respond. Tell him how you feel--that you feel like your relationship is suffering and that you want to do whatever it takes to repair your relationship. Tell him that you don't want to keep going down this road of unhappiness for you, him, and your child together.

I hope it all works out. I hope I'm not overstepping.

Hi L.,

Sorry you are having a difficult time. I would have to guess that either something is going on with your husband and he is pushing you away on purpose, maybe even to punish himself or it could be a chemical imbalance and he may need some medical care. I know you can't force your husband into counseling or to see a doctor but maybe you could suggest he go for a "physical" and call his doctor ahead of the appointment and explain your concerns. This sounds like a change in behavior and I would start with an MD.

Good luck,

C.

L.
For one thing what is he doing in the basement!He sounds pretty petty and childish.You might try the counseling but if he refuses to go what good is that.I bet I wouldn't fix his supper anymore, he would fend for himself!!!!!!I think I would invest in a ticket back home and keep it in a safe place.Does he come home late very much or does his job warent his coming home late? I would normally say hang in there but I'm not to sure about this one. How long has this been going on? what if it gets worse? You need to ask yourself some good hard questions about your mariage and like I said by that ticket!!!Good Luck and God Bless!!

L.,
I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. I think counseling would be a great idea. Not sure if you are affiliated with a church, but I would recommend Christian counseling.
There are also two books I can think of that might be of help. One is "The Five Love Languages" by Dr. Gary Chapman. If your husband would be willing to read the book too, that would be great, but if not you can at least figure out what your love language is, and what his is. I think going into marriage we think we'll always be, and make each other 'happy', but marriage is hard work! We tend to love people the way we'd like to be loved where actually they may not interpret what we are doing as a form of love at all. It's not a big book at all, and it may really help.
The other book is "The Power of a Praying Wife", by Stormie Omartian. Have you ever been so mad at your husband that the last thing you wanted to do was pray for him? Trust me, this book will help!
Both of these books helped me when I felt our marriage wasn't what I thought it should or could be.
You should check at www.mops.org to see if theres a MOPS (Mothers of Pre-Schoolers) group near you. It's for moms with kids birth - kindergarten. It is a wonderful organization. You may benefit from the meetings, and the support from other moms.
Best wishes & God bless!

Hi L.
You are in a tough situation but you can get through it. I like that you wrote that you will pray on it. See if God will give you some insight into what is going on with your husband. My husband acted in very similar ways. I knew that he was dealing with depression but also thought there was something else going on b/c he had unhealthy responses to many situations. I started praying and one of my friends' husbands told me one time that my husband is either passive-aggressive or has p-a tendencies. I had no idea what that was and got a book through www.amazon.com called" "Living With The Passive-Aggressive Man" by Dr. Scott Wetzler. When I read it, I thought that the author knew my husband! I learned a lot from the book. Mostly, on how to address my husband on a level that he is able to understand. The other book I got was called: "The Emotionally Unavailable Man: A Blueprint To Healing" By Patti Henry. This book also helped me to understand my hubby better. I tell you though most of the changes in both of us occurred b/c of praying for our marriage and for us individually. The book: "The Power Of A Praying Wife" by Stormie Omartian is excellent! The biggest aspect of our relationship that we both had to and are working on, is that we are in this TOGETHER. It has always been easy for us (my husband and I) to accuse the other one of things or tell the story how we (he or I) suffer more than the other or contribute more, etc. and withdraw. But if we make an effort and look at it from the "together" aspect it changes our view. It's tough work and it was difficult at first for either of us to let God break through but now it's a little easier. Please hang in there. Find some women that can stand with you and pray for your marriage or just one prayer partner will do you good. God will bring healing and restoration when you allow Him to do it.

hi L....we are almost the same situation..my husband is just acting like a robotic father...everyday he is like this...after work, go home and exercise, have dinner with us, clean the room, sweep, dust,(everyday, its not dirty here!)iron his clothes, go to the computer and surf the internet(download etc etc)...kiss the kids goodnight(around 5-10 minutes only)...we talk during dinner though but he has less time for us( i feel like his priority is like this..work, church(ok with me), exercising, cleaning, then us..we go to the mall on weekends but its not enough..hes a good provider, loving but lacks time for us..
I dont have close family around...he doesnt help with the kids homework, diapering, feeding
,bathing.. he will just do his own thing...He will help if he sees that Im so pissed off and tired..Im a full time mom, sometimes I feel our life is a cycle, the kids are growing fast and he ll miss out some joyful moments with them...

Lets just pray for our husbands to spend more time with us even busy with so many things..God bless you.

L.,

Like the others that have responded, you can get through this or at least give it your best shot. God commands us to honor and respect our husbands, this means even when they aren't giving to us the love and attention we desire. You are doing the right thing by continuing to serve your husband, attempt to communicate in civilized manner, etc. Your consistent, good behavior will be a safe place for him that he will eventually start accepting again. If he is dealing with some sort of emotional thing or is ashamed of something he's done or whatever, he needs to know that you are there rather than rocking his world even more by deserting him. Continue to pray for him and continue to honor the Lord by serving your husband, you will be blessed for it.

There is nothing worse than being a stay at home mom and feeling like you have noone. Have you tried talking to your husband? He may not realize how you feel and sometimes just putting it out there helps. I have come to the realization that staying at home with the kids comes with a completely different set of worries than going out into the world and working. I know that my husband acts sometimes like I am sucking him dry and I only ask for money for things we need.
I think it sounds like he is having issues with depression or anxiety. These things go along with his roll if he is worried about the bills and bringing home enough money to be a good provider. Talk to him and try to find out if there is any way you can help him. It will not go away if you just ignore it, it will only get worse. Let him know that you are lonely and you think he is too.
Good luck!!

Hi L.,

So I love Ranee's advice and I learned so much from the "Five Love Languages" book that I would recommend that, too.

I am sorry you are feeling so isolated. That's probably the hardest part about the SAHM thing. It's not the cleaning, or chores. It's the isolation. This little group becomes your world. You literally revolve around your family. It can be rewarding and wonderful. But when your husband unplugs it's like being a single parent with someone else constantly there to remind you that you are doing it alone.

I think you should start counseling with a Christian counselor. If he won't go with you then you should go alone. I think you should start finding friends and mom's groups, go to the Y and work out. Find ways to move yourself out of that isolated place.

A women's Bible study that focussed specifically on being a wife did wonders for me. I can't tell you how good it felt to sit in a room with women who I thought had it all together and hear that they sometimes went through what I did and hear what helped them. Even the pastor's wife!

I have always been a big fan of just putting it all out there. Talk to him (only if you are not mad or arguing already) and tell him you see that something is wrong and you don't know what it is or how to fix it. Ask him to tell you. Listen to him. You may be surprised that it is something totally different that what you thought. What comes out of his mouth may sound crazy, but he needs to see that you are trying. You want to know. Then tell him what you need from him and why. It may not be much at first, but it is a start.

And really do find someone objective that shares your values that you can talk to.

L.,

I think counseling is the right move. If your husband won't go with you, go for yourself. There may be a host of reasons your husband is acting so disconnected. And short of throwing him on the rack and torturing him to get the answer, it's going to be the best way of dealing with it. Help yourself strong. (If that makes sense)
Good luck to you, L.. I wish you all the best.
J.