Anyone Dealing with Teenage "Drama"?

It sounds like a teen looking for some attention to me. I think it is also important to not yell or "get onto" her, but discipline in a calm, loving manner.
Good luck!

You must find the source of her problem and then address it. I would suspect that having her father pass and her biological mother out of the picture (seemingly) and you being so young, she is seriously pissed and feeling like life has dealt her a raw deal. Because of ler lack of maturity she deals with it the best way she knows how, making everyone else around her miserable. She doesn't likely do it maliciously, meaning, she doesn't do it on purpose.

It would seem to me that she does not trust you nor your fiance'. And I am sure you know that trust takes time. Lock up your computer with passwords and spend tons of time with her. She needs you now more than ever. I am not saying give in, because she needs structure. Structure creates trust. Consistency creates trust. Always seize every opportunity to talk to her about the core issues. Try to help her work through them.

K

Hi C., It sounds like you have a bit more than just normal teenage drama going on and really should get some professional help with this child. Get her to a counslor ASAP there maybe more going on here than meets the eye! Good luck & best wishes.

first all put passwords on computer so she cant get on computer.

Does she see her mom? guess he has custody of his 2 kids?

she definitely needs counseling.

seems so much more to it all.

Hi...I also have a blended family of 4 kids...26,21,15, and 13!! I have 3, and my husband has one. They were all still living at home when we got married 5and half years ago. The last two are still at home. These are serious issues you are dealing with. Most of it is typical teen stuff, but it is getting out of control. My husband and I read everything we could get our hands on, concerning blended families. It is really tuff stuff some times, and can cause a great deal of stress for the kids, and between husband and wife. I would first recomend that you read as much as you can about how to cope with blended families. The best one I read was by Ron Deal...if you google his name, I'm sure you can find it. Most of the material we used was religious. Even if you have desire for the religious side of it, it is chuck full of great information. Kids look at divorce from a whole differenct perspective then we adults do. It is very important that you learn what they are. We can't help them through it, if we don't understand where they are coming from. Kids don't just "get over it", they need to work through it. The teen years are tramatic enough, without having to deal with a step parent, and the whole blended family issue. I don't know it the "other" parent is involved in their lives or not. Just going back and forth between homes can be stressful enough, and it can bring about feeling of resentment, and anger. They didn't do any thing wrong to be put in this kind of situation, but they are paying the price.

I have to admitt, that I have it very lucky. My step son is really a great kid, and besides the occonial confratation, we get along great, and he gets along great with my 13 year old daughter. But it was not the same with my older two boys...they were 19 and 15 at the time. They did not like the idea of "another" man in the house, and especialy did not like him telling them what to do. It has been an uphill battle, but the last 2 years have been really good. My oldest was the worst...we found out shortly after we were married that he was a herion addict!! The last 5 years have been a night mare with him. It was especialy hard for my husband. Because he was not his son, he felt really helpless on helping me deal with him. I could go on and on, about that. I have been blessed with a very patient husband, and without his help, I would have never been able to do the things to help my son that we did. He, my son, is now on his way to reover at a Teen Challenge Center, in Pittsburgh. He is quick to thank his step father as well as my self for the help he is getting now.

I could go on and on, but it is you who has to take the first step to helping this child. I strongly urge you to get as much information as you can on blended families. Because she is not your daughter, her father will have to "do" most of what needs done to disapline her. But, you can be "cheering squad", so that he has some ones support to be able to do the "hard" things. I would welcome any questions that you would have, or if you just need to "vent" some times...some times that is a BIG help...good luck D.

We have been there, my heart goes out to you, but you will sruvive. Without question find a good psychologist both for guidance in how to handle the teen (you) and for her to speak with the professional as well. You will not regret this, only the fact that you've waited. Check with your health insurance for coverage and begin immediately. Diane

Sounds like she may be trying to get your attention. Lock up the computer and try to get some counseling to see what the root of the problem is. I just read "Why gender matter" by Leonard Sax there is some preety good info in there. He has a lot of suggestions. It may seem like a reward but he says introduce her to a new peer group by getting her involved in some girl only activities (ballet, volunteering, etc.). Lots of other goodies in there too.
good luck!!

Hi C.,

It's easy to be overwhelemd by teensagers, but, wow ! You certainly seem to have your hands way too full. It sounds to me like this: you and your fiance are living together, and the kids had no choice in the decision. Is this his daugther you're having trouble with ?

How love have you been living together ? Does she know she is loved by both of you, and most especially by her biolgocial parent ? And what about the non-custodial parent?

there are lots of things out there for kids to deal with as they grow up. Our eldest had a horrible time with the fact that her bio-dad remarried when she was 9 and ignored her from then on out, until juast last year (and she's now 27) She responded by trying to rule the family. She was tough, but we all survived it, and now she's an educator working with middle school kids -- she likes them best cuz they are most difficult, and brattiest, and she says, "I was a brat, too. I know what that's like." And we laugh. We never thought she knew !!

Your 15 yr old obviously has a problem with authority -- threatening a teacher, staying at school without permission, getting o tn the computer late at night, kind of stuff. The big question is why ? I find kids try to control others when they feel their life is out of control. Ask TONS of questions. TONS of them. When she stays late at school, without asking permission, ask her how she made that decision. What are the values she is using to make her decisions? Is it peer pressure, is she trying to cause troube at home, to hurt you, or does she just not want to come home ?

I would be very careful about the internet usage. It is better to not have internet access at all, if your daughter is getting online and meeting people you hope she's not meeting. You can check out the online history to see where she's been, and/or you can buy a home security system, and make it impossible to get to certain kinds of websites. If you can't trust her, then you have to control the amount of usage she gets, for her own safety.

The tightrope walk is to give her enough freedom, and the wiggle room within which to make good decisions about her life, and also to keep her corralled enough not to get into trouble. Not an easy ballgame.

Ihad an interesting chat with my 2nd oldest today -- a high school teacher in her 1st year of teaching. She had a kid in class who is HORRIBLE. And my daughter wrote her a hall pass for disciplinary action. The kid got really upset, and in the end, asked her to intercede on her behalf so she didn't get a really big punishment for being WAY out of line in class. they talked about it, and in the discussion, the girl said, "I know you don't like me!" as if that were why she was getting disciplined. Teacher stood her ground and said, "Unfortunately, that's not true. I DO like you. If I didn't like you I would ignore your behavior, and I wouldn't expect better of you. But i do like you, and I know you can succeed, and I want to see you make something of yourself. I like you and because I do like you, I have higher expectations that I would have if I simply didn't care at all." The two of them made a pact, my daughter did mediate regarding punishment, and the kid has been a gem for the first time in this school year. It probably won't last, but I have this feeling it's the first time a teacher told her that they LIKED her, and wanted her to succeed.

And the reason for that? To say that sometimes you have to dig a little to find what's going on in HER mind. You have to find out what is driving the problems, and be brave enough to reach out to those issues and address them face to face. Sometimes it's scary.

Are drugs involved ? Sex? Do you know her friends? Do you approve of them ? Does she tell you where she goes and what she does ? do you listen ? Are you interested ?

I think in many ways, it's only natural for her to try to divide the two of you. Think about the law, here. If she isn't your biological child and you aren't related to her dad, then SHE is his next of kin and YOU are an interloper. You are acting like a next of kin, and parenting her, but you aren't at all related to her. You can do that if you want to. How you live your life is up to you, but remember that you are living your lives in the family fishbowl there. You may not want your daughters out there screwing around without commitment, but the two of you have moved in together without any long term commitments, and suddenly you are parenting each other's kids, and living like there's an umbrella of safety out there, but there is no legal umbrella anywhere in sight. what kind of safety net does that give to the kids ? If I were the daughter in that set up, I wouldn't want to get close to my dad's lover because who knows how long that will last, and how hurt I would be after the fact ? I Think I would be an angry child myself.

I'm not saying this to be self-righteous,either. When I married my 2nd husband, it wasn't because I wanted to. I would have far preferred to simply live together, after having had my first marriage fall apart. He wanted to get married and I capitulated. Had we not gotten married back then, when my girls were young, I would probably have agreed when i got pregnant. But now, looking around, if I were dating now, with my teenaged daughters watching on ? I'd prefer to be a single mom than to be modeling a behavior I don't want them to copy until they are a whole lot older.

Another option, would be to get advice from a family counselor. There may be some things you can do as a family to help work through this situation. And sometimes having an educated support person who isn't biased can be a big help. I also have friends whose daughter wrote a note about dying, which made them sit up, take notice, and get her to counseling. It's made a big impact on the whole family, because all her attention getting stunts hadn't worked. But the way her parents responded quickly to the note she wrote made her realize how much they really did love her. and from what I see, things are getting better for them.

What ends up being most important, isn't who you live with or how you live with them, but how much love you give to each other, and how you are able to show it and relate to each other. Raising teens is a big challenge, and there's no chart to go by, you just do your best and you pray you and they get through it okay. You're smart to be asking for ideas, and help. Be sure to keep talking it over with your fiance, so you maintain a united front, and try your very best not to argue in front of the kids. They are old enough to have "postponed" discipline if it's something you want to decide together. If you discipline without each other's input, then you have to be able to follow through without input. You shouldn't be responsible to enforce discipline you didn't agree with, and he shouldn't either. keep your own decisions within your own scope, and the big ones that require two heads you should work on together.

You'll get through this. And when she's got her first full-time job under her belt, as an adult, you'll be scratching your heads and thinking, "How did we get to here ???"

:-) amazing, huh !

Some you can say is typical teen behavior. At her extent I'd be putting her in behavioral counseling. With the computer, you need to put a parental block on it that only you and your fiance know the password. Same for the TV. Anything rated R and above should be blocked and need a password to watch that show. She's getting some bad influences from everywhere and we don't realize all the places that hand it out. You can also block specific shows like MTV, BET, Comedy Central, etc. If you take the TV away as a punishment, or to be sure she's not on it at all when you're not around, put a full block on it. Take away all "toys". No video games, no music, no cell phone (if she needs to tell you where she is she'll have to come home to do it!). If she's out after school when she's not suppose to be, she's grounded to the house. Write a list of chores that she's expected to do. If she does what's expected of her with homework and chores for that day, then she can get a privilege. If she doesn't, then she gets nothing. Always stay calm. Don't get sucked into arguments. Keep things short and to the point. "You were suppose to come straight home and you didn't. You're grounded to the house for the week." There's no discussion. What's there to discuss? She had a rule, it was broken, she knew she'd be punished, now she takes her punishment. It can be hell but you must stay firm and consistent. Have a big talk and lay out everything before hand of what is going to be expected from now on and what punishments will and can be. You're the parent. She's a child.

K. B
mom to 5 including triplets
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HarrisburgPAChat

I know what you are going through. You really need to be firm and keep a schedule and rules. If she was doing poorly in the old school, and still seems to be acting out, I would put her in cyber school if I were you. www.k12.com You should limit her hours on the computer and always know who she is talking to and what she is doing. A child lock, or parental control bar is helpful with that. There are some other things you could buy as well. I have the parental control bar for my son. www.parentalcontrolbar.com It helps alot. I also make it clear that he will loose his privilages if he goes where he doesn't belong online or away from home. You can't let your kids run around town or anything these days unless you don't mind them getting into big trouble. If they are looking for it, it's easy to find in school too. Usually when a child has a bad attitude it is because they are doing things they shouldn't be. When you child is away at school they have full control over your child and have rights as parents, but they use it in bad ways, so watch out, because if they do not look out for your childs best interest as you would, she could end up paying a dear price. If you live in a town or city, you may consider moving so that you can get her out of the bad environment.
Of course since she isn't your biological child, you have to be careful how you approach this. Ask her if she ever thought of going to cyber school, or would like to. She could be going through some problems she would want to get away from, who knows. Talk to your husband about it. You both really need to stand strong together about rules and limits for her. It won't be easy at first, but it's worth it in the long run. You can't give up, things will only get worse if you do.
Oh and I don't know if the mother is in the picture or what, but of course she would have to cooperate as well.

I would tend to agree with the other responder! There is a lot more going on with her than you even know about. She needs counseling ASAP before things get a lot worse!

I have a great therapist in malvern, PA if that would work for you, my daughter saw her for a while and she really helped her.