Am I the Jerk Here?

If you stripped away all the history, and boiled it down to "they want me to change venues so it will be easier for them, should I?" I'd still think you were right. Don't give in to it. And don't make a big deal out of it. If anyone makes a passive-aggressive comment about being late, you could say "oh, that's ok, I understand" like they're apologizing, not complaining. Good luck.

You are over thinking this. You set up a dinner party, it is up to them whether or not they come. Next time just say, "I'm so sorry you if can't make it, maybe next time" and let it go. No excuses needed.

You're being perfectly reasonable.
If he's a few minutes late? The sun will still come up in the morning. :)
Red Robin's food service is pretty quick. Order beverages an an appetizer & he'll get there when he gets there.

I think you are giving them too much power over this. You made the plan, you picked the location, either they can make it or they can't. The end. Quit trying to cater to them.

I get that your daughter wants them there, but catering to them about this isn't going to make them treat your daughter with any more respect in the future. Kids figure out eventually when people in their lives value themselves way more and really don't give a (#*(* about them. Trust me. If your brother and SIL want to be there FOR your daughter, then they will be. If they don't, then why string your daughter along for years and years having her not know the true nature of their relationship? At least, that's how I see it.

Without reading any of the other responses, they are users. They are using your mom to their benefit and now they are trying to manipulate you, as well. Stick to your location and time. If one or all of them can't make it, so be it. We all need to give a little in life and they are doing no such thing. You are right that what your mom agrees to is what she agrees to. Their behavior is very rude (expecting a 70 year old woman to drive home at midnight), but she needs to be the one who says "enough."

Dont' beat yourself up. These are very self-centered me me me people. This is their niece's birthday and the world doesn't revolve around them.

STICK TO YOUR GUNS.

K.:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOUR DAUGHTER!!!

You are right. you cannot change your mother, brother or sister in law.

DO NOT change the location of your daughter's party. So what if your brother is late? Sorry. I know how cold that sounds, but if it means anything to him - he can schedule is day accordingly.

DO NOT beat yourself up. You ARE NOT the jerk. They are.

You were right and reasonable.

Bro and SIL expect the whole world to do as they please. Believe me, if they are like this with your family, they're like it with her famiily and with their friends and coworkers too. Users who would have no idea they are users and who probably see themselves as terrific folks.

Be careful here: Your mom is now on the edge of expecting YOU and your family to bow to what bro and SIL want, when they want it. Your mom was trying to get you to change your plans in order to accommodate them. Watch your future interactions to ensure that she doesn't try in other cases to get you to change what you're doing "because it would be so much easier for your brother-- they're so very busy, you know." You may have to gently let mom know -- gently, please, because she does mean well! -- that everything can't revolve around bro and SIL and their busy-ness.

The bro and SIL know you have more flexibiility and interpret that as "she can be the one to work around us since we are so busy," but don't let it escalate, and don't let your mom fall into the trap of asking you to accommodate them the way she does.

And be sure to invite your mom on outings with JUST you and your child; take her out to lunch sometimes just for fun; invite her to your child's activities as an honored guest and not the responsible party, etc. She means well and she needs a break from her son's family using her as a transportation service.

Leave your plans as is.

If you are lucky, they won't show up.

Happy Birthday to your little girl.

I am kind of getting the you are jealous of him vibe and it is coloring your perception.

You said time didn't matter to you and you said the area is between you so you could leave fifteen minutes earlier and not have an issue at all. After all you would be driving through the area you are running errands....

Also, how do you write back snippy? You can't, you are reading that in there because you are fed up with them.

I can't say you are selfish and immature, you are fed up and it is causing you to not see you are making an issue out of nothing but then you see you are making an issue out of nothing so you posted this.

Ahh yes, traffic, it tends to be only one direction, what direction that is at that point in the day, I don't know but on the assumption it is from their direction then you would not have traffic in your direction...

I feel like I am beating a dead horse.

What I can say is yes it is reasonable for them to ask, it is reasonable for them to ask your parents as well. It is also reasonable for you to say no, this is my hill. You don't actually need excuses like errands and traffic either, just say no. Just like your parents could say no as well.

You pick a place, set a reasonable time and the other's choice is to meet you or not.
Based on what you describe, they do seem to try to bend people to their own convenience a lot.
It's good for them to hear 'no, your suggested change doesn't work for us' every once in awhile.
It would be even better for them to hear it from your Mom sometimes too.

Your brother is the one acting like a jerk. It's YOUR child's birthday. She picked the place, you picked the location. If he's running late, that's his issue. My guess is that he'll miraculously appear on time.

My inlaws used to do this for my SIL all the time. We scheduled EVERYTHING around what was most convenient for her and her kids. I finally told my MIL that we would get there when we could because scheduling around SIL and her kids meant doing things right in the middle of our little one's nap time, so we'd be there, but don't wait for us. After a few times of us holding our own line, they started being a bit more flexible.

Just a book suggestion:
"Boundaries" by Townsend & Cloud

Right now there is a Boundaries class at my church and it really helps in so many parts of one's life. I don't know if you go to church where you could look for a class like this but read the book anyway if you get a chance.

HTH!

Just my 2 cents!

OMG!
THEY ARE SUCH JERKS!
Do not let them... doubt yourself.
If I were there, I would tell them all off, for you.
I can't stand people like that.
They are users, selfish, Narcissistic and are not even remorseful, about their behavior.

YOU are NOT the jerk here. Your brother and SIL are users. It sounds like they believe the world revolves around them.

I would not change my venue or time for them. From the tone of your post, it sounds as if they are now going to start treating you and expecting you to go out of your way for them just like they have your mom. Steer clear and stick to your guns on your schedule. They are no busier than anyone else in the world.

*You* are not the jerk. But there ARE jerks involved in this story.

I would have started with "I've made reservations at Red Robin by us for 6:15 for all of us. We REALLY hope you can join us!" And left it at that. Jerks are always busier than anyone else. Their time is always more precious than anyone else's. Don't start playing their game.

Happy Birthday to your daughter!

This is your daughter's birthday and they are dictating when and where? You need to give them a reminder that you do not tell them when and where they can have their child's b-day and that your niece is important to you so you make the effort. The need to see how selfish they are. Oh, and i would totally point out how they use you mom (but actually have to bite my tongue in real life, this is easy to say that really do).

Is your daughter going to be heat broken if they do not make it?

Your child, your party.
Put out the time and place and people either make it or they don't.
The only time I check ahead with family is when we're celebrating a major holiday, because of course we all want to be together if possible.
But a birthday? No. Like I said, have it at a time and place that's convenient for you. There's no reason to try and work around other peoples' schedules, or in this case, issues.

If they want to be there, they will. If not it's their loss. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

Stop beating yourself up and stop worrying about your brother and SIL. In fact, if they don't show up, that's just FINE. They only care about themselves. They don't care about anyone else. Stop falling all over yourself to care whether they show up or not. They can drive to you or they can just not come.

They need SOMEONE to not bow to their every command. Let it be you. And you don't have to give excuses or keep trying to change things around to accommodate them. Maybe at some point your mother will follow suit...

There's a lot going on in your post, & I suspect even more going on in your emotions, regarding your family relationships & dynamics.

First, the current issue. I know a lot of people have jumped to one extreme or the other in their response to what you should do/feel. I think that you cannot ignore who your family is, nor their actions (both towards you & towards others). As human beings, we naturally communicate with others based on how we expect they will respond. And how we know that is based on their actions at the time & in the past.

So it's really not possible to say "well, remove the backstory of what they do to your mom & you, & just answer regarding this current situation" because you wouldn't be approaching the situation the same way with different people. Because you have seen how they interact with your parents (& I can only assume with you as well at times), you must take measures to protect yourself from being manipulated, both in the situation, & emotionally.

Despite the number of responses below, none of us can really tell you if you are right or wrong to set up the party the way you did, & then to compromise only on the time, but not the location. You can't express in one post the lifetime of interaction you've had with your family for any of us to give an assessment for you.

What I can tell you is that it is the heart behind the matter that truly counts. Did you set up the location just to force people to drive & make it convenient for you? Did you refuse to relocate to a different restaurant just because you want to prove that they cannot make you change your plans to accommodate them?

It doesn't sound like it from your post. I'm sure that there are circumstances that you would change the location for, but most of us do not do so for convenience alone. Unfortunately, your brother/SIL have "cried wolf" a few too many times, & you are now very sensitive to it.

Standing your ground so that you are not taken advantage of, & therefore protecting yourself from the emotional turmoil it causes you, is nothing to feel guilty of. It is unfortunate that people in our lives feel that accommodations should be made for them, but are unwilling to compromise for us when necessary (& we all have someone like that in our lives!!).

Regarding their relationship with your parents, it is best to let them handle that. Make sure to not judge them or your parents for how that is working, because unless/until someone complains to you & asks for help, it is working for them. Not always are circumstances perfect in our situations, but your parents (mother) wouldn't be doing for them if she didn't feel she was getting what she needed in return.

One thing I would like to mention that concerns me, is your quote of your mother stating "we don't mind the extra drive & neither should you". This is emotional manipulation - making you feel that you should acquiesce for someone else because they perceive your situation as not as important. Whether you address this with your mother is up to you - might be best to let this one go, but be aware for the future, & be prepared to speak up and point out (gently, firmly, respectfully) that your life and priorities are just as important to you as theirs are to them, & you have considered whether or not you are able to make certain accommodations based on yours.

Please, focus on enjoying your daughter's celebration, and I hope that you will continue to value yourself enough to set boundaries. Just always make sure to examine your heart behind your actions when agreeing or refusing requests... both are appropriate, based on situations.

Happy Birthday to your daughter!!

T.

It's your child's birthday. You plan it, they can't come oh well. Don't cater to their childish antics. They sound like the kind of people that want everyone to cater to them. They aren't royalty you aren't their servant.

Actually it sounds like they don't want to make the effort to come. Not that they CAN'T come. They make the time and attend you don't change anything .

Stick to your guns or they will try this every time! If you child asks why they arent there, say "They just felt that they didn't have the time. I'm sorry that they couldn't make it." Then it's on them.

I wonder if you started commenting that you or your DH are so busy that you just cant accomodate them, that they would get it. (Bet not)

Honestly, in my opinion, your doing just fine. It's not fair that everyone should always accommodate them. They aren't the only ones who are "busy". This would irritate me as well, and dealing with family who is exactly the same, it's hard to just put up with it all the time. It's down right frustrating.

I say, keep the original location, make it at the time stated to all of 6:15pm, and if your brother can't make it on time, that's fine. He will get there, when he decides to get there. Your parents will be there on time, and your daughter can visit with them, and have a nice time. If that doesn't work for your brother and SIL then so be it.

You can't always change plans, just because it works better for them. It's all about give and take, and it sounds like they are all take.

I hope your daughter has a happy b-day and a nice dinner.

I agree with your point of view.

In the future, I'd consider them fairweather guests. Let them know of the plan and all the details, try to accomodate them in a REASONABLE way as you would anyone else (no special treatment) and as you have done here with the time. Then tell them "I hope you make it, but I understand you are very busy so no hard feelings if you aren't able."

Will there be hard feelings? Probably, but then it's their choice to be involved or not. Be prepared for them them to drift away if they are not being catered to.

They are the ones who are selfish and immature, expecting everyone to cater around them, like they are more important then everyone else. I think you did just right. You made a small allowance (giving him extra time plus letting them pick a time) while showing that you will not be pushed around.

You have it where you want it. It's YOUR DAUGHTER's birthday. THEY are being immature and selfish. Stick to your guns. Move the time if it works for you. And teach your daughter by your actions how to deal with people like this. Family only gets a "free ride" for so long. When they start to treat us worse than they would their friends, then they don't get the warm fuzzy family treatment.

Set it up at a time and location that pleases you and then invite them. Do NOT ask them if that will work because it never will. If you give them a choice they'll choose, if you give them a simple command/sentence/invitation they have the choice to either accept or decline.

If they disappoint your child then they should apologize to her and lose out on the family activity.

Its a birthday party for your daughter, you get to make the arrangements. They come great, if not shame on them. You have no reason to feel immature of selfish. Your time is just as valuable as theirs.

for me, this breaks down into two issues: one for you & one between your mom/your brother.

For your BD party plans, you are in charge. You do what works best for you. If accommodating your brother is within your makeup, then do so happily. If it creates stress for you, then....yes, by all means, stand firm. For issues directly impacting you, you have the right to make your own choices.

Which brings me to the rest of the family dynamics. None of it is your business. What happens between your mom/brother is their business. It is not up to you to judge whether they are users, nor is it your place to determine what your mom should do/not do.

Quite simply, please don't judge what is happening between your sibling & your mother. You're all adults.....& why do you think you have to be in charge of all? They're all living the life they choose, & should not be required to live as you wish them to. :) Peace....& enjoy that BD party!

Its YOUR daughter's birthday. You're accomodating their time to make sure they can attend. No guilt. Just continue with the plans you already made. Don't enable their selfish behavior.

No, your POV does not sound immature or selfish to me.

Have the get-together at the time and place you set and if they are late or don't show up - OH WELL!

I wouldn't say a word about it to my mom or brother/SIL, but I wouldn't change it either. I would set appropriate boundaries (which you have done) and stop there.

People who don't respect the appropriate boundaries or needs of others often make YOU feel wrong and/or guilty. All you can do is not let them make you feel that way, and if it means you all spend less time together then you have to be OK with that too.

JMO.

You did fine. This is your daughter's birthday, how did it become about everyone but her so quickly? I think boundaries are needed in your family, and you were NOT a jerk. Everyone else was!!!

Not saying you shouldn't stand your ground, but if you do in this instance, who are you really "punishing?' If your brother or sister in law show up late, show up in a bad mood, or don't show up at all, you can shrug it off, but will your daughter take it as well.

Sounds like they will give you plenty of opportunity to stand your ground down the line.

Good luck to you and yours,
F. B.

PS-

Not sure what your traffic patterns are like, but I know that the same distance, same road, same time of day can take 5 minutes one way, and 45 minutes in the opposite direction, if you are battling rush hour around here. i.e. 5 miles eastbound from pt A to point B on smith street at 6pm total travel time 5 minutes. 5 miles westbound from pt B to point A on smith street at 6 pm total travel time 45 (rather agonizing minutes).

On a friday night, you are doubly screwed trying to get anywhere. You've got people leaving the city from work. You've got people coming into the city for a night out. You've got airport traffic, and people making weekend excursions.

They are being passive aggressive and selfish. Not you. They are baiting you into changing your plans to accomodate them and you were right to stand your ground. It's your daughters birthday. Stick with your plans. Some people, whether they realize it or not, feel the need to dominate plans, dictate times, locations, etc and have no idea they aren't the only busy people in the world. Or tired. Or not centrally located. They let your mom try and do the dirty work. Then the sister in law. You are better than me. I would give the date and time respectfully and conveniently as I could so that everyone could make it, and if they can't make it, they can't make it. No games, no emotional outbursts, no negotiating. I would respect their time, and do. They need to do the same for me or they don't attend. Period.

When they see it's not about them, they will either be jerks, or they won't. Your daughter might be slightly disappointed but she needs a happy healthy and strong mom. Not a frenzied one with a controlling family.

You sound like someone who respects other's time and attitudes more than they respect yours, but good on you for standing your ground.

Every family has one of these brothers/sisters/cousins/friends.

Good luck, and like I said, you are no jerk. Not at all.

xo-ar

They are being rude and they are wrong-it is your daughter's birthday-and every effort should be made on her behalf-especially since she is having her dinner on a school night and needs to get back in time for school work; if they can't stop whining about driving 15 minutes in traffic, then they are just daft.

I used to use the " I have three little kids" excuse all the time cause I didnt want to haul everyone so far away for things. I kept doing it till my sister pretty much gave me a verbal slap and said "We all have had kids and they were young once too, I dont remember ever not showing up because of them, or changing everything for me, because my kids were little" OUCH it hurt. Then I opened my eyes, and realized I was being a total baby. Now if I am invited somewhere I decide early on if I can do it by then. If I cant I opt for a different day and time with that invitee.

Your Brother and sister in law have not seen this yet I guess. Time to stick to your guns and let them know that when you invite thats what it is. An invitation. Now Flaming Turnip did make a point. You said you and your mom didnt have anything really to do and were willing to make a drive to accommodate. In that case if you did not have the errands then you could have done that, for just keeping the peace. Since you do have errands to run and your time is tight then you are doing the correct thing. Everyone is busy too. Make if for 7pm if he is so worried about traffic. Sounds like traffic bothers him. Its not per say reasonable but its what people do when they dont want to do something that inconveniences them.

I think it depends how you look at it. Are they the jerks in general? Absolutely. And justifiably, you're sick of it. In terms of your daughter's bday, do you think they care if they're there or not? I hate to say it but they probably don't. They're SO busy, it's a weeknight etc. So then it turns into who is doing who a favor. They likely feel obligated to come and don't see why you can't make it easier for them. You feel you're taking them out to dinner so you're doing them a favor. But end of the day, this is for your daughter. She wants them there? Then as the mom, you do your best to get them there or you disappoint her. So in this specific case, I think you should move the restaurant if your parents don't care and your schedule is more flexible. Then, when it's their child's bday, you have a different decision... Do you go out of your way? Probably bc you probably actually care. You're not a self centered jerk. But that's up to you. I would start weaning my child away from these people in a way or let her know they're very very busy. Set her expectations for what they're likely always going to be like. Know what I mean? I think in this case you have to decide who is doing who a favor... If they'd be mad to not be included in the bday dinner, then they should drive. They can't have it both ways. But if you think they'd actually likely rather skip it bc it's too hectic, then move it.

Not sure about the restaurant situation, seems a little trivial in general and honestly if you do not work outside the home and have one older daughter who is in school all day you probably do have more time and energy to drive a few minutes farther. As long as we're talking less than 30 minutes I don't really see why this should be a big deal.

As to them having your 70 year old Mother driving around in the middle of the night in order to baby sit for them I can't believe people are saying it's not your business. As your parents age whose responsibility will it be to help them? At what point will the tables turn from your brother and SIL needing lots of help to your parents needing lots of help? The current dynamic will not last forever. In the not too distant future you will likely be in partnership with your relatives in caring for your parents. In some ways you already are as evidence by your concern for her being taken advantage of.

I'd have a heart to heart with your parents and give some serious thought to the future. Try to take any petty feelings out of it and allow for the possibility that your brother and SIL ARE busier than you (although I too can't stand listening to people with the "I'm SOOOOO busy mindset).

Personally, my own Mother would have said driving home at midnight is just too late for her, try to see if that's the way your Mom really feels but is just having a hard time standing up for herself. Tread very lightly, talk in a non accusatory way and remember the big picture. It's not really too important where you guys meet for dinner but the health and safety of your Mom is very important.

I'd not get worked up if I were you. You are doing them a favor by inviting them. It would only be responsible and nice of them to return the same regard and plan their events to try and join you all for celebrations.
If they can't figure out how to accommodate, simply ignore it, and give them a polite reply of, "Oh sorry you couldn't make it. Maybe next time!". There is nothing wrong in letting them realise it is not your job to adjust to their lives.
Happy birthday to your daughter!

Please take your stand now and do not change your plans. If they show up, great. If they don't, you know where you stand with them. They want everything centered around them. How selfish and inconsiderate. We ALL have busy lives. They are not the center of the universe. Good grief!

Good luck!

No way - you are definitely not being the jerk here. Some people are just terribly narcissistic (your brother, hint). Keep setting good boundaries like that. Let them grumble all they want. Hopefully your mom will learn to do the same one day, but that is her battle to fight, not yours.

i agree with flaiming turnip in what she wrote.. If you left out all of the annoyances with your mom (because that isnt your concern or about this topic) I think you'd think it was reasonable of them to simply ask/. Its reasonable of them to ask because you are thier sister. If they asked a distant friend that it would be rude but you are family
I also agree that its fine for you to switch or say no. You have the ability being a stay at home mom/oor part time i assume from saying your flexible to leave 15 minutes earlier and avoid traffic. he cant do that with work and often traffic is only in one direction.
you could start 15 minutes earlier at thier location and be back earlier for school work as opposed to your location it may take him a lot longer with traffic and you may actually get home later then if you went to his house

I always put the invite out to my family and they either come or they don't. I'm not going to say it doesn't make me upset if they don't come, because it does, but when it comes down to it, the celebration is for my child. If they can't make it there, then they can't and they miss out. It's their choice. You make the choice to have it where you want it (or your child wants it) and have fun.

It's your childs birthday and you are doing a lot to accomidate them already. Stick to your guns!!! Sounds like they are munipulaters. And used to getting their way.

Updated

It's your childs birthday and you are doing a lot to accomidate them already. Stick to your guns!!! Sounds like they are munipulaters. And used to getting their way.

1) email has no tone; the tone is in your head - so, maybe she's just stating a fact in her reply

2) I understand why this bothers you, but without knowing any more about their situation, I don't know if they really ARE busier - I mean, I have had to work 90 hour weeks for months on end, and while I never expected anyone to schedule around me, I did ask if plans could be made close to where I work or live (and yes, I could live with "no", but I might have had to be late)

3) that said, maybe your brother is crazy busy for one of the same reasons I was - BAD BOUNDARIES, and an inability to say "no"; it does sound like he had a role model for that in your Mom. But I can also tell you, if your SIL is a SAHM, he may be AFRAID to set work boundaries. Being financially responsible for a family is HUGE and scary, even if many men won't say so.

SO - I get why you are bothered, but since we don't have more info about him, I am liable to assume that maybe he really is busier. Whether that's something he can change or not, I don't know, but you are well within your rights to set your own boundaries and stand by them.

Speaking as someone who has difficulty with setting boundaries for myself, I can assure you that not everyone who does this will be annoyed with it - your brother may actually admire this about you. If he doesn't, then my guess is that he has always been allowed to take advantage of your Mom (even if he didn't learn to set boundaries with employers).

good luck
e

ETA: I just saw that you are a SAHM. I have no doubt that you ARE as busy as your brother, but he probably has a LOT less control over his schedule (when I stay home, I can plan out my day and stick to MY plan - especially when the kids are at school / not so much an option working FT). Some SAHPs forget this. So yeh, I can see why they asked if it could be near them. BUT - I also think it is perfectly fine for you to tell them no. I don't think you should be annoyed with them. But I also don't think you should be beating yourself up about it either.

I think it was reasonable for him to ask for what was easier; and it was also reasonable for you to say "no, that does not work for ME."

ETA 2: I want to be clear - I believe you are 100% in the right.

I am just not so sure that your brother and SIL are being jerks (at least not intentionally). I could be wrong but - your Mom seems to *like* him violating the boundaries she ought to have, and it may be hard for her (and him) to admit she is past an age where driving home late is OK. She wants YOU to be OK with it too. You should not be, but I am guessing none of this is new for you or your brother. So...he may be so caught up in that dynamic that he can't see it. He may also be SO afraid to set boundaries with work that he can't see that he's violating your boundaries. And just as some SAHPs can forget that working-for-pay parents' have almost ZERO control over their schedules (my SAHD husband certainly forgot this), working parents can forget that SAHPs may have things that have to happen on a schedule too.

So - you should NOT beat yourself up, but if you assume your brother may *also* have some challenges, or some gaps in his awareness, you may be able to move forward without resentment.

Best of luck to you - and happy birthday to your daughter!

My siblings take advantage of our mother. She acknowledges that they do, but also says it is her choice to allow it. I try to not waste much energy worrying about it.

Unlike your mom though, mine isn't playing favorites. I'm independent and never ask her for a thing but I know she would willingly give me what I wanted if I did ask.

You're not being selfish, so stand your ground. It sounds like your brother learned his behavior from your mother. They are both manipulative.

Stand firm. Don't change your plans to suit them. You have tried to be respectful of all those invited, and you should leave it there. They can choose whether or not it fits in their "busy" schedule.

As for your mom, if she brings up the topic of feeling like she is unhappy with the scenario, listen to her, and kindly (really, I mean kindly! :) tell her it's okay to say NO to them, and that she doesn't always have to say yes.

It doesn't usually boil down to this, but in your case...YOU are right and THEY are wrong. Black and white.

Absolutely not are you the jerk in this circumstance. You are right that you cannot change how brother and SIL act with your mother, you do not need to allow your relationship to be the same. It is your child's birthday and they should not expect you to change your plans to accommodate them. I have a similar situation and I understand the guilt you are feeling but this is not about them or you it is about your daughter's birthday. If they cannot make it that is unfortunate but to expect you to change the location to suit their needs is ridiculous. Stay strong and hold your ground!!

If there aren't any extenuating circumstances you didn't mention, your brother and sister-in-law sound awfully self-centered. You have done all that's necessary to accommodate them, as far as I can see.

Oh my gosh!!! Keep your plans at your location! Your brother and SIL are so used to pushing people around and I admire you taking a stand against them!
Your brother obviously told your mom to ask you to change the location-pathetic! Maybe they will begin to realize the world doesn't revolve around them. This is YOUR DAUGHTER'S birthday and you have every right to have it take place where it is convenient for YOU!
DO NOT let these people make you feel guilty! If your brother's late-so be it; you already accommodated them by changing the time. If your mom tries to make you feel guilty (b/c they've managed to bully her), I would respectfully tell her that you refuse to allow them to treat you that way, this is your event for your daughter.

Good luck, I hope it all goes well!

My instinct is to say, no you are not being a jerk...but I might be projecting because my now ex-SIL was VERY manipulative and all plans had to center around what she wanted and she had to be given the attention or she pouted and insisted they leave. So I'm inclined to sympathize with you.

I respectfully disagree with Elyse about your brother having a problem saying no...he certainly doesn't seem to have that problem when it comes to your mom...it sounds like he takes advantage of HER inability to say no. If he really had a problem setting boundaries, you probably wouldn't be having this issue, unless it's your SIL who is the manipulative one, which you can't do anything about.

So...here's where it gets tricky. You can't change them, but YOU set the boundaries in your relationship. You teach people how to treat you. But, you also have to treat others as you want to be treated. It sounds like you have been very accommodating as to the time, even changing the time to give your brother time to get there...so you've now taught them that you are willing to compromise, but not give in totally...and I think that's probably good enough. You didn't refuse to work with them at all. And while the wording of the email does seem snippy, she may have just been in a rush and didn't have time to type out something longer, and tone doesn't always come off well in writing.
If they do tend to manipulate all family gatherings to suit them, at the expense of everyone else, then you have to set that boundary and refuse to let them do that to YOU. This is YOUR daughter's party, not theirs. If you were having the party at your house, they wouldn't be able to change the venue. If you didn't already have other plans that required you to be in the area of the one you chose, it wouldn't be such a big deal. But your errands shouldn't take a back seat to your brother's. MOST people could work it out that they can leave 15 minutes earlier one day for a family deal...maybe your brother can't do that, I don't know...but it seems a bit selfish of them ignore your effort to compromise, allowing for the commute with the time, and insist that everything be catered to THEIR convenience and ignoring yours completely. The only thing that will do is teach them that your needs aren't as important as theirs. But, IF in the future you have a situation where changing to accommodate them DOESN'T affect your plans, then be gracious and offer to do that...you can set an example for them of being flexible.
I'm curious as to why you are dealing with the SIL though instead of your brother directly. If it's HIS work schedule, why not call HIM...he might not even know his wife is trying to get you to change for his schedule...he might be able to work something out with his work. (my husband will go in 15 minutes earlier so he can leave 15 minutes early...or work through part of lunch or something. There's usually some sort of compromise as long as he's not in a meeting or visiting a client)
But the bottom line is that you ARE willing to compromise and have done so...they need to learn to compromise, too....where's THEIR effort? If you give in even though it's inconvenient for you, they are going to continue to expect that from you. If it's not inconveniencing you in any way, then it would be petty to refuse just because you don't want them to have the control, but as that's not the case here, I think you are perfectly in your right to expect them to give a little, too. You aren't asking them to do anything you aren't willing to do yourself....THEY are.

It's your daughters day not theirs! Don't change anything for them.