I will try to make this short and sweet. My husband and I have been together for 6 years now. I actually met him at a party at his sister's house. I knew both his sister and father before I met him. Well I knew how sensitive and overreacting she sometimes can be. I have always dealt with her with kit gloves so I would not upset her. Well needless to say this only lasted for so long. This past week my husband called to inform his sister that our daughter's dedication date is conflicting with her child's birthday. We did not pick the date of the dedication. It is the only day a year our church does dedications for children. I actually tried to reschedule and find something on a different date and had no luck in doing so. Well that had to be the straw that broke them camels back because she brought out all the guns saying we are trying to punish her child because we are jealous of her. We are always making comments about her and we are just selfish people. This was not said in one conversation this was said on numerous conversations over the course of a week. With her calling my husband cursing him out, hanging up the phone calling back. Then writing a very nasty email to both me and my husband when he stopped answering her calls; well needless to say we didn't react the same way she did. She called their parents now they feel as if we should compromise and apologize. My husband doesn’t feel wrong and neither do I. We never called her any names or tried to bully her at all. My husband says he's finished with her selfishness if she can not deal with him on an adult level then he does not want to talk to her. She said that if we do not come to her child's birthday party which by the way she's holding in Palm Beach when she lives here in Central Florida. Then their relationship is over. I just don’t want the drama. I know their parents are affected because that's their only children and they are a "close" family. However my husband has told me to leave it alone. He feels that she could clearly change the date or just have it in Central Florida so we could attend. I wanted to celebrate her birthday the weekend before, but she says that’s not her birthday so what am I to do. Plus she not once said that she would even attend my child dedication. I am over this entire situation but now it has cause somewhat of a rift between the families. My husband feels as if she had no intentions on showing her support for our daughter’s dedication and never once talked about our daughter suffering because none of them or their parents was coming. Then why should we consider someone who is clearly not looking out for the interest of both children. What should I do? Do I leave it alone?
By the way my husband is the older brother and she’s the younger sister. He’s always looked out for her and gave her what she wants and now it’s back firing.
I am going to let this situation be. The major reason why we couldn't attend is not only the dates but because she wanted a "destination" birthday party in Palm Beach which is 2 hours away. We would be driving at least half the day to make it back to our event. And there's no reasoning with her on the location either. So I will just leave it alone. Thanks for all of your help
I would back off, this is a nasty battle. If I were her I would change the date to make things smooth. It sounds as though this has been going on for some time too. I would back off and let things cool down. Since neither of you can or will change the date there isn't anything you can do. Has Mom stepped in and tried to find out what the problem is? If you guys don't talk about her something has to have happened.
Have the dedication as planned. Attend the party IF you can, if not, there's always next year for the birthday....
You need to leave it alone. I would send a give to the child along with a card saying "Sorry we aren't able to attend our party, but wish you all the happiness" (or something like that).Then go and make a wonderful day for your daughter.
As far as his family, let him deal with it and don't feel guilty, SIL is being a child and is used to getting her way b/c she is the baby. It is about time someone stood up to her and if your ILs say anything let them know you did your best but your daughter's dedication could not be changed and you are sorry to have to make the choice but your daughter comes first.
Leave it alone. If she decides her relationship with your husband is over, good riddance. No one should be treated with kit gloves all the time. If he'd have knocked her down and sat on her a few times while they were growing up it might have done her some good. I have no tolerance for drama queens and I don't see why anyone else should have to endure it either.
A dedication is a onetime deal, and you didn't set the date. Birthday's happen every year, and you can choose the date and place to have the party.
I would just say, "Love ya, sis. Hope we can get past this, but I am going to daughter's dedication. Hope your party is great." and leave it at that. As long as these little power plays work, she has no reason to give them up. She's a grown woman and no longer the little princess.
Until the temper tantrums stop working, she has no reason to stop having them.
Leave it alone. It is your husband's sister and if he is fine letting it go, then let it go. We have gone through the same thing with my husband's family. He hasn't spoken to his brother in over 6 years mostly because of his brother's indifference and all of the trouble his wife has caused. You aren't picking the date out of spite. The church picked it. You didn't do anything wrong and owe her NO apology.
It sounds like this woman is used to being babied and always getting her way. My mother-in-law is like that. The problem becomes that everyone "gives in" to what she wants, just to keep the peace and because that is what's easiest at the time - and that's been incentive for her to get more and more outrageous in her demands and tantrums. I wish that someone had started expecting my MIL to be reasonable years ago - and I think that's what your husband should do here. He should be understanding of her disapointment but remain firm on your plans. He should remain in touch with his parents and listen to their concerns but let them know he has a family now too and it isn't all about his sister anymore. If I were you, I'd stay out of it and let him handle it but that's just my opinion. Good luck.
Just ignore her. If she feels that you are punishing her fine let her feel that way. It's not your problem that that's the only day the church does it. There will be other birthday's you can attend so I don't see what missing one birthday is making all the fuss. Let her know that there are other birthday's and that its not that big of a deal if you miss this one. If she still feels hostile about it then I would just cut her from your life for good. Because trust me you don't want that kind of drama in your life. Continue on with your daughters dedication, since I find this more important then a birthday. Birthday's are just another year older, you only get one dedication right? (I am not religious so I am not sure) but the best of luck to you. :)
I say leave it alone. As far as the parents getting involved where 'now they feel as if we should compromise and apologize'...I guess I would have to say to them that they need to stay out of it too.
The SIL is being completely selfish here, unreasonable and needless to say, childish. She obvisouly expects things to go HER way. For some reason 'Drama Queen' comes to mind here! You did nothing wrong and did not resort to being nasty.
Send a gift. But most of all, enjoy YOUR planned day with YOUR family for YOUR child's dedication. Have a great time and best of luck!
Blessed are the Peacemakers for they shall be called the children of God.
Would it be possible for you to have your daughter's dedication at another church?
Life is short and yes his sister is acting like the immature woman she is but maturity takes time, patience, consistenancy, love, devotion and discipline. Is this the time and situation you and your family want to use to work on building healthy boundaries with your SIL or would it be better suited to do it at another time since your neice is involuntarily involved?
I think this way...if I knew I year from now SIL would not be alive, your husband or your neice was not alive would I have any regrets? Will you have any regrets?
In general if I were you, I would let husband handle his sister and then abide by his decisions but also try to be the Peacemaker in the family. Life is precious and short.
Your main responsibility is your immediate family: your husband and child. The dedication is a major milestone in your child's life and should be celebrated. However, this does not mean that your sister-in-law needs to celebrate with you. Likewise, her main responsibility is to her child and at this point in time the most important thing in her life is her child's birthday.
It is understandable that you are both hurt by the situation, however, arguing or responding to her irrational behavior is only going to fuel the fire. Don't try to be right, arguing only gives her more of the drama she wants, just be polite.Thank her for the invitation to the party, politely decline, send a gift, and put the situation from your mind.
Enjoy your child's special day and don't give the sister a second thought. Just because she is family does not mean she has to be your friend; if the relationship is worth having, then she will come around again.
Best of luck to you :)
Don't apologize. She's being an emotional terrorist. And if you give in on this one issue when she is so clearly in the wrong, then there are sure to be other issues that you will have to dodge or accomodate if you want to buy peace with her. The price is too high and if you keep on giving in, there's no need for her to hold herself personally accountable for her behavior. I know this is tough but I think you and your husband have handled this situation well so far and know what you need to do.
I would say tell her to grow up and move on. I would not accept any phone calls from her while she is behaving like a child. The second she raises her voice or resorts to name calling, I would tell her the conversation is over and hang up the phone. Delete her emails unopened. Have your child's dedication and move on. Send a gift for her child's birthday in the mail to show you harbor to ill feelings toward her little one. When she is ready to act like a big girl, she can extend the olive leaf to your husband. Your hubby is right to put his foot down--too bad it took him so long for anyone to stand up to this "woman". As long as you allow her to behave like a selfish, spoiled brat-then she will. As for your husband's parents, I would have your husband respectfully explain the situation to them and let them know he has no intention of giving his sister her way-end of story. I would assure his parents that they do not need to pick sides, but your family will not be indulging this woman any longer. Then let the cards fall where they may. There is going to be some backlash and tension for awhile. After all, if this woman has been allowed to get away with this nonsense for her entire life, then it is not going to change overnight. Rome wasn't built in a day-you know? Honestly though, you and your kids will be better off. What an example for your child to see an adult act so poorly! Hopefully your husband's family will be able to finally stand up to the sister and she will eventually have no choice but to change her ways. Under no circumstance do I think you should go against your husband with this--you would be undermining him. Why put a strain on your marriage to appease a spoiled child?
If the dedication or the birthday party is not an all day event, why not change the time of the birthday party? It would be easier to change the time of the birthday party because the child's parents would be in charge and can dictate the time, whereas, the church is in charge of the dedication and the date and time. Why can't you tell the birthday child's parents that you will either be late or early to the birthday celebration but you have to be at the church at such and such a time for the dedication. Or, address it as a mutual agreement so all family members can attend both the dedication and birthday party. Sounds like both sides like all the drama involved instead of compromising. Best of luck to all.
V.
Your husbans is right, just leave it alone. It's hard dealing with someone like her, I know, my husbands sister is the same way. The best treatment for situations like this is silence. Good luck to you.
Dear Quesse,
Our church has a dedication day once each month for all three services. As you probably know this is usually a big family affair, for Christian families, and it’s not going to be the same for you and your husband if it isn’t shared with both sides of the family. You mentioned trying to reschedule the dedication with “no luck”. Does this mean that your pastor or an associate pastor would not do a private dedication with family and close friends in attendance?
Your friend and now sister-in-law has demonstrated her disappointment in the wrong way with the calls, cursing and by writing a nasty letter. She is upset because it is her child’s birthday and feels a birthday trumps a dedication day. Personally, I would try to combine the two, but I realize that doesn’t seem logistically possible in your case.
You mentioned that she’s the little sister and your husband is the big brother. Do you want your child’s dedication day to be the day that also commemorates the breaking of ties with your husband’s family? This one needs to be prayed about.
Blessings…..
Ugh, we have one of those in our family. It is always about her. She also only sees the worste in everybody else, even though that is so not the case..
At this point only one person in the family is speaking with her.
Indifference is the best way to handle people like this.
Go about your business, take the high road and stay out of the drama.
