Advice Needed - Savage, MN

Can you visit an Al-Anon meeting? You are not alone! It's not your fault, and you can't change him, but you need support.

I'm so sorry to hear that things are not going well between you and your son's father. It isn't an easy situation with an easy solution. But it's clear that you have a serious challenged in front of you.
You have to make some very difficult decisions and start taking control of the situation. Your son is watching and looking to you for security and guidance and is depending on you to be the adult. Allowing your boyfriend to come into your home drunk, at late hours, and being openly disrespectful to you does not set a good example for your son or society at large. If your boyfriend needs time to sort things out, he needs to do so in his own space and not upsetting the delicate balance of your home. Your boyfriend's physical presence will only cloud your judgement and confuse you and the child.
Start looking toward your stable/positive network of support (parnets, grandparent, friends) to surround you and your son. Don't look to your boyfriend for guidance: he's lost and can't navigate. Don't try to help him - he'll drag you and your son down with him. Save yourself. Save your son. Neither of you deserve to be pulled into this drama.
As frightening as it may be for you to move forward and take charge of the situation, you and your son will be so much stronger for it. A few months from now, you'll have a totally different perspective of the situation. You will have changed...for the better.
You have a large group of women on this web site who are pulling for you and are keeping you in their thoughts.
Best wishes.

M.,
Your situation is a difficult one but 2 things you may want to focus on is: 1 why would you want to be with someone that isn't sure they want to be with you? You a so young and have a lifetime ahead of you. You deserve to be happy and get the same love in return. I wouldn't say your boyfriend is showing you how much he loves you by coming home at 5 in the morning drunk. Besides have you asked yourself why your relationship has never progressed past boyfriend/girlfriend?
2 what kind of rolemodel is he being for your son. You really need to be strong for him. If you continue in this relationship you will only show your son that that is how you, his mother and all women for that matter should and deserve to be treated.
I have been in plenty of bad relationships to know that the sadness you are feeling goes away with time and the more you love and respect yourself the easier it is to find someone that will love you the way you deserve.
If you can find a therapist to talk to it would really help to have a someone just for you to confide and they could help you with the best responses to give to your son. In the mean time be honest with your son and reasure him that it has nothing to do with him. I wish you all the best.

Hi You might try alanon. they have decades of experience! Take care. C. Clark

I think it will take both of you to make things right, one person can not do it alone. Maybe counseling would help. It sounds like your son is very important to you too and I would recommend that you do everything you can to keep him safe and removed from this trauma. In my work, I see how difficult this can be on children. I wish you well.

If your boyfriend is drinking like that I'd say he has some alchoholic tendancies and I would be nervous if he's not abusive now that he will become abusive. Everyone that I know that grew up in a house with alchoholic has horror stories and has effected them greatly. You and your son should not be in a situation like this. It is not healthy!

Your boyfriend probaly has a problem and has NO RESPECT for you or your son. That is not behavior of a good loving father.

You have to remember no matter how much you want him to change you cannot change him.

If he truely loved you guys he wouldn't act like this.

Now you have to ask yourself what's in your child's best interests have a dad around that acts like this or not have a dad around?

M.,
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I recently went through something similar with my boyfriend of 4 years. He's not my kids' dad but acts alot more like one than their biological dad does. Anyway, like you, I wasn't strong enough to back off when asked and I pushed and pushed til we split up. We spent a few months apart--only talking so he could see the kids. After losing everything he had, he realized just what he'd lost and we've been back together now for a little over 2 months and have never been happier.
The only thing I can tell you is that it sounds like maybe his coming and going and drinking is his way of hiding from his feelings (mine did the same thing cause he felt he was missing out on the "fun" stuff). That's just how some guys deal or show that something's wrong. You need to put your foot down and tell him what you will and will not tolerate and stick to it. Tell your son that mom and dad are not getting along right now but assure him that youboth love him and things will turn out ok. Even if you split up, it'll be ok if you make it ok for him. Maybe tell your boyfriend that until he figures out what he wants he needs to leave as he's not being a good father in the meantime and it's not fair to you or your son. I wish I had more or better advice to give. Just take one day at a time - I believe everything happens for a reason even though we don't always understand it. I hope things get better for your family quickly. Remember to give yourself time to breathe everyday---take care of you!!! Email me if you want to talk or need a shoulder. Hang in there!
H.