Advice from Anyone

Hi J.,
I wanted to respond and let you know that I am in a similar situation but literally on the other side of the fence. I have a daughter who is 9 and my brother has a daughter who is 8. They are as different as night and day. My parents will always say that they love both their grandchildren the same but my brother will tell you otherwise. He is adamant that our parents favor my daughter. That may be the case but in defense, I have to say that I am constantly around my parents. I visit them at least once a week. I call them all the time for no reason at all. And they do the same with me. I think it's all about communication. My brother is rarely around. Mostly at family functions. He doesn't bring his daughter around as much and while he says that it's ok for my parents to go visit, there is a lot of tension in his house with his wife. My parents don't feel as at liberty with my niece as they do with my daughter. My daughter is a very affectionate and open person with them and they respond to that. How does your son respond to them? If you'd like them to interact more with your son, make him readily available. Have him spend special days with his grandparents. Ask if they will take him to the movies or out for pizza because of your busy schedule. At month end when I know I will be working late, I arrange for one of my parents to pick her up. That way she gets to spend one on one time with her grandparents.

And I can understand their response to your step-son but it may be that they might feel they are overstepping their bounds with him if they get too close to him. Try to keep an open mind and see things from their point of view. You could have your parents take both children to the movies one day?

I hope things work out for you.

A.

Hi J.. I really feel for you. I haven't been through that with my kids but I can imagine the pain and anger you must feel over the situation. Unfortunately you can't make them be caring grandparents. But you can surround yourself with other family members or even friends that have become family that DO care about you and your children. Your parents will be the ones that miss out on loving your children and possibly be full of regret one of these days. If you maybe take on an "indifferent" attitude they just might pick up on it and ask why. Maybe that would open the door to discuss the feelings you have about this. Chances are your mom doesn't even realize she's doing this. Hope this helps, at least a little.

If you don't tell your mother how you feel, things will never change. You can do it face to face, in a letter/email or over the phone. Your mother may have reasons for why she acts the way she does, but if you don't ask you wont know. I'm not saying that what she is doing is right, but find out why. Maybe she doesn't even realize how she is acting. Deal with it now, because someday she won't be here and you will be wishing that you had just said something.
Good luck

My brother's wife had a child out of wedlock. It was a big-o secret and then when she was 9, my brother and SIL got married and trying to do the right thing had another daughter. After that my parents did acknowledge and asked the 9 year old if she don't mind that my parents are her grandparents. So far so good..but now that she's 18, she has a total different attitude. My parents gave a lot and expects so much back and they feel burned by them. Once a week they babysit my brother's daughter who's 10 now. She's still spoiled and regardless if we lived in CA or here in AZ, she's still the favorite and my son is 2nd best. But before they had a business and now retired and able to visit more and vice versa. My brother and I don't have anything to say to each other. Different lifestyle and all that. He's been like that ever since he married his wife.

But on the flip side, my husband is one of 5 and a fraternal twin. His parents should have put in more thought before having 5 kids since they were not treated very well and they're making it up with their favorite grandson who looks like their favorite son (the oldest). When we got married, they didn't even come to the wedding. They thought that it would be the same like all their other sons and daughter, where it never worked out, divorced after 2 years type of thing and what was the point in spending the money when it wasn't about them. They are both only children and sometimes the siblings act like it too. The youngest son didn't have any kids so those in the middle who are my husband and his fraternal twin get the shaft literally when they were kids and now so even more when they have kids of their own. After hearing about their childhood story...I decided that I would never depend on any of them and I try not to even stress about it. They live over an hour from me or in another state and don't nag me about anything..so as long as I'm not on their S-list. I don't care.

Invite your parents over for lunch one-on-one and tell her how you feel. Otherwise what goes around comes around..my inlaws know they better find an old folks home because no one in their family is going to take care of them.

And get together with your brother and niece separately too. Ask your ex-SIL what is the real reason for the divorce, is it your MOM babying your niece/her granddaughter, in your SIL's face type of thing. And who has custody of your niece now, your SIL or your brother or both. In any case, if she's with your SIL more, she is going to feel out of place soon and may even contact you more often but if you're busy working probably not. If they have too much time on their hands, then they'll be on your case all the time..mine are like that.

But like you said, it's your stepson who is not real blood..it will take some time and for now cherish what you have with your husband and forgo your parents. If they have email account, you can subtley email them your plans for the next few months and see if they want to join you, if not oh well. If they doesn't come around, then they are SOL.
Good Luck!