Acceptance

I'm so sorry to hear your family treats you this way. Sometimes, we are better of with a self-chosen family than with our blood ties. And there's nothing wrong with that! I have found great solace in my life doing yoga & running. I also have a few books I would recommend reading. "Codependent No More" and "When Things Fall Apart". Both these books helped me come to terms with my own place in my family. One thing my sister does, who just can't deal with family dynamics at all, is she avoids visiting at stressful times of year. So she comes for a 3 day weekend, not near a holiday. It takes the pressure off of everyone, there's less coming and going, and she's not required to constantly be "on" in a group setting.

No matter what we say, we all care about what others think. It hurts us so much when family treats us this way and gangs up on us. I have a newfound attitude toward life where I find the positive in the things and people around me. I don't forget the past, I don't always forgive, (I'm human), but I do try to move on. I have the relationships I can have without hurting myself or someone else. And it's working. You find your own inner happiness - maybe it means you never visit - and embrace it. Make a new family. And if you have a family member who might be willing to do some work, find a way to talk. 1-on-1. It takes time though. Hang in there and be strong. You don't need people in your life who don't treat you with love and respect.

You need to let go.
They won't change, your sister is toxic and poisons everyone about you.
Its sad... but is what happened.
They have personality deficits... because they have let it happen. Not using their own wisdom to know any different. They LACK any ability to think on their own.

YOU obviously are a different person than them. Be thankful for that. YOU have kindness in your heart. They don't. They are mean to you.

Know that YOU ARE FINE... YOU are a well rounded and loving person. They are not, and will not have that capacity.

Live your life, and with your own family... teaching them differently... to be better than that. To be a real human being. And to have your charitable spirit.

Hanging on to your feelings of what they do to you... will only drag you down. Do NOT let that happen. YOU have a CLEAR perspective and a much healthier scope of life, than they do. THAT Is what you concentrate on. They have mental problems.
Don't let it damage you.

Create your own life... apart from their toxicity.

All the best,
Susan

C.,
All I can say is that if YOU always do the kind, compassionate, respectful thing, you will not have any regrets when it comes to dealing with your family. They sound a little toxic.
That said, they ARE your family and I'm sure it hurts that they treat you this way. Perhaps they are envious, jealous, etc? Lots of times people have to tear others down, because it "builds them up."
It might be a really really good thing that you don't live nearby.
God bless.

I am very sorry you have to deal with that type of treatment from your family. My question is, have you ever confronted them? If so and things have not changed, then unfortunately they are not worthy of your love and respect if they do not know how to give it back. Regardless whether they are family or not. It sounds like this has been going on since you were little. So if they can not be happy for you or be respectful then it would probably be better if you and your children stay away. Why put yourself or your children through that! You only live once and should live it happily. So remove yourself from the unhappy part of your life! I know its easier said than done because they are family but i can tell you from experience you will be better off! Less drama! Good luck and remember you deserve back what you give!

I am so sorry you are having to go through all of this. Remember you have worked h*** o* your life and you deserve to be happy.

Some people just seem to always be unhappy and judgmental and you know what? That is their choice. Do not get pulled into all of that..

They are not responsible for your happiness you are. So be happy and live your life. I have found that some of my family members are just so self absorbed, they have no idea how to be happy. Once I had a child I understood what love and happiness was all about and I am trying not to waste energy on those that do not want what is best for me. Some of my best family members are actually friends. We help and support each other through everything.

I too have dealt with a judgmental family. However, I have taken a slightly different approach to the situation. I do have limited contact with them, however that hasn't been my focus. My focus was on the concept that what is happening around us is a reflection of what is happening within us. I learned to discover how deeply I was judging myself and how unaware I was of it. I learned to make the vicious voice in my head really concious so I could face my own judgements, question them, and then release them.

As I have focused on uncovering my own deep seated, unconcious negative belief systems things around me have changed dramatically. People that were in my life that were extremely judgemental and negative have dropped out of my life. Even situations (such as co-parenting with my ex) have shifted into positive, rich experiences.

Byron Katie has a great program that supports this type of work. She can be found online or she has several books out.

I know the difficulty in letting go of focusing on the reality that other people are treating us badly. And, my life has altered dramatically since I made the determined choice to focus on my own issues and allow others to simply be who they are.

We definintely cannot change anyone else. It is a form of insanity to continue to try. Changing ourselves is what changes our world. Our expectations that others "should" change will simply keep us stuck. Releasing our attachment to the "shoulds" (such as "Family should treat family nicely") is what will set us free. Because the reality is that whether they should or shouldn't they are who they are and behave the way they behave. I have learned to let them be who they are and then make choices for my life accordingly. Because I have faced many of my own judgements I am now able to do this much more nuetrally and without getting emotionally charged about it anymore.

I am SO sorry. I kind of know what you're going through, my husbands family is the same way sometimes. The only thing I can think of is what Dr. Laura would say (my sister loves her). But often times she points out that you have your own family now - your husband, children - and if your family is hurting that, then it is ok to stay away. Don't worry about what they think or feel. If you don't want to see them, then you don't have to. I don't know if this helps at all. I hope everything gets better! and I LOVE the way you dress. ;) haha.

Dear C.,
I think most of us finally come to the realization that we come from disfunctional homes!! It's a slap in the face, isn't it? My four siblings and I have recently acknowledged this and are also trying to acccept and move on. On our quest to do so, we have found an incredibly insightful book called, "Adult Children, secrets of disfunctional families". I can't remember the author. We found them on amazon for like $3. It is written by husband and wife who have PHDs' on the subject. Very good read, but intense. It is helpful and can help you find the love and acceptance you need. I highly reccommend it. Just be prepared for some tears and remembering. Not that you don't already have them now! Please read the book. I think it will really hit home for you. Best of luck. Keep your chin up.

ps...it is okay to love them from a distance! Sometimes that's when we love them the most.

God chose to bless you with the gift of kindness and compassion, unfortunately, your family wasn't given those gifts. I think they are jealous and do not know how to deal with their feelings. We can choose our friends, but not our family. I would pray for them and leave it in God's hands and He will lead you down the right path when it comes to your family. In the meantime, continue to go with the flow when it comes to your family and devote your energies and your heart to those who need you and appreciate you.

Just my 2 cents,

M.

I am very sorry for your situation. My ex-in-laws are the same way...my ex-husbands family turned against him and has some how managed to make him into this horrible person (obviously not perfect or wouldn't be my ex). But with us they have also used their dislike for him and blames their dislike for him, as an excuse not to have a relationship with their grandkids and we don't even live a mile away. For us it has been about cutting your losses. They cause more pain then anything else and that is not good for me or my kids. You know who you are and if they don't want to get to know you or love the person you are that is their loss. Clearly you are a happy person with a loving supporting family where you live and that is the most important part. Unfortunetly we can't change our family or sometimes understand how they can be so harsh. We can only live our lives to the best of our ability and know that in our world we make a difference. Sincerly, N.

It is probably obvious to your family that you are happy with your life. You enjoy your career and your children and you are content with what you have done so far.
Sometimes people who are unhappy in their own lives will try to bring down others who seem happy. Remember misery loves company. You, unfortunately are an easy target because you are family. They found anything and everything they could find to insult you with, mostly to make themselves feel better.
Be proud of who you are and what you have accomplished. Realize it is their own unhappiness that provoked the nasty comments. Nothing you say or do will change how they feel. Try to let them go, move on and be happy that you don't have to be like them to be happy!

This same thing happened to one of my best friends. It started with her mother and her sisters followed suite. They are all very negative and down right abusive to her. I even remember them being this way to her in high school (20+ years ago). They continually cut her down, say mean things, have family events (like Easter dinner) and not invite her, etc. It is ugly. One day she finally decided that she is a loving person with a lot to offer and the last thing she needs to do is be a part of ANYONE who does not appreciate her and her qualities.

Ultimately, she went about a year with zero contact with them. She wouldn't return calls she didn't go to any events, etc. During this time she did a lot of soul searching, as you know it is very painful. After the year or so she decided that she does still love them all and would allow minimum involvement in her life. It has been several years since all this went down and she does communicate with her family here and there, she does go to some events, not all but most important she does not let them mess with her. They can say whatever they want, do whatever they want and she just lets it roll off. She has made a decision that the problem was theirs, they are jealous of her and the only way they know how to deal with it is to bring her down. She knows she is not a loser or a ugly or nasty or a bad person and she will not allow them to take power over that.

In short, you are not the one with the problem, they are. It sucks that it is your family, but like the old saying goes, you can't choose who your family is. Maybe you just need a bit of a break like my friend did and find out if you even want to deal with them at all. You certainly don't want your children to get these ugly habits right?

Focus on who does appreciate you!

Good luck, I know it is a tough road.

Has it ever crossed your mind that because you have made a life for yourself, your children, you have a wonderful job (it takes a special person to deal with special needs children) the word is jealous!! You made your step forward and got nothing but criticism in return. I think they want to love you but maybe think that because you have made a life for yourself that they are afraid that they will be rejected because they or your sister hasn't done the same. If your sister has caused all of this heartache maybe you should have a little chat with her and ask her what her problem is. It sounds like you have a wonderful life, try and maybe invite them to your state and home. If they don't want to come well then you have your answer. Leave well enough alone. If your happy (I don't mean hurt) then live your life the way you want, you don't need to be called names etc. and be stabbed in the back after you come home or while your there. Good luck, and I hope this has helped.

Dear C.--
I have walked this road and I know how very difficult it is. We think of our family as people who will always be there for us and always love us, and it is very sad when that turns out not to be the case. Sometimes we outgrow our family--we conquer the insecurities and dysfunction that we learned in our family (all family's have them), but our family members have not made that leap yet. Seeing you make that leap means one of two things: either they have to look at themselves and deal with their own issues (which is one of the hardest things in the world to do) or they have to put you down to make themselves feel better and allow them to stay exactly where they are in their life. You are a mirror for what they could be, but they don't want to look in the mirror because then they would have to deal with themselves. If you stay in that situation it brings you down. I have found peace by creating a "family of choice" rather then remaining in my "family of origin". I have wonderful, supportive people around me now and my life has changed for the better since I walked away from my "family of origin". It still saddens me occasionally, but I'm so much happier without them, and I know I am doing the right thing by keeping my children out of the cycle of familial dysfunction that is being passed from generation to generation. The lesson for you is one of self-confidence and security. This is a great lesson your family is offering you and maybe that is their purpose in your life. Acceptance is easier when you can see the gift that the problem holds in its hand.
Good luck in your healing process,
J.

Family is supposed to love you unconditionally, but I think that parents/family can actually be the most critical and make you feel like the love is under conditions. These aren't people you CHOOSE to be in your life, they're family and so by default, they are part of it. But you don't have to listen to or integrate their criticsm and have it effect you and your happiness. It sounds like you know this in your heart already and don't surround yourself in their negativity. Make your skin a bit thicker when you are around them, and surround yourself with those people that do love you and appreciate you as you are and CHOOSE for those people to be in your life.
K.

All you can really do is pray for them. Pray for yourself too, that God will work through you, to help you better handle them when you are around them.

First let me start by saying I am so sorry.
I also have a very judgemental family, for me it is my inlaws, so I don't know if that is better or worse, but this is what I have come to realize.
I am who I am, I like who I am and so do my friends, if you don't like me, and think what I do is stupid or whatever, that is your problem not mine. I am not going to change because of what you say, but that wouldn't be who I am.
It sounds like you are on your way there already, and I know it is hard, but I think it is more important to stay true to who you are, take what they say with a grain of salt. At least you live a state away and don't have to see them all the time, my inlaws live less then an hour away, ugh.
Good luck, and enjoy who you are.

Just because they are family does not have to force you to like them. They are who they are you either accept them that way or surround yourself with people you feel loved by.

I came to this same conclusion about my father and his family (my stepfamily) 6 months ago when I realized they had started passing their disapproval of me on to my oldest son (just turned 7). I had been trying hard to get along with everyone for the sake of my kids relationships with them, but I find it's just not worth it. I refuse to let them destroy my son's self esteem the way they did mine. (I feel like I should add that I don't think I do anything horrendous in my life... I just don't do things like them, therefore, it is wrong.) We have pulled back our time with them and really only see them about once a month now (if that!). My dad and stepmom live 30 minutes away, but my dad works 2 miles from my house. Whenever we ask him to stop in for lunch, etc, he says he will and doesn't show. There is sooooooo much more to it, but the point is that we just get together for special occasions now, around birthdays and holidays and when they come to the occasional sporting event. We keep most visits to no more than 3 hours and try to stay with the kids in the play area, rather than sitting where the adults are having any "serious" discussions. If someone brings up anything we don't want to talk about, we leave the room, sometimes we just pack up and leave the gathering completely. My mom lives 3 streets over from us, and she loves my boys and my husband unconditionally and is always there when we need her, so I'd rather they spend time with her. :-)

I'm sorry that you have such a difficult time with your family. I in no way wish to post a judgemental response, but perhaps an independent point of view can help you. I too have various issues with my family, but I do admit that I am not always blameless. I am like you-I have GREAT friends who love and respect me, but I also feel like I get a lot of judgement from my family, and there is one sister in particular that I don't have any kind of relationship with, and my mother always, automatically takes her side-even when there isn't an issue.

When it comes to visiting family-no matter how often-I always feel a type of shield going up, and I am never fully the "me" that my friends and my own family see. My sense of humor is never as free flowing, I am far more sensitive than usual, and I have a difficult time letting things roll off my back like I usually do. The interesting thing about this is that 3 of my sisters also admit that they do this and we all agree on one thing- You can never judge someone based on who they are when they're around their family. Is it possible that you do something similar-but haven't realized it yet? I'm not saying your family isn't overly critical with you-I'm sure they are-but you know going in that they are going to be this way-can you ever find it in yourself to let go? Get through the visits if you wish to make them, but stop beating yourself up about it-because you can't change other people. You can control the amount of contact you have with them. And if you're different with them-maybe they'll find themselves acting differently with you. And if not-again-let go-there's nothing else you can do.

As for your issue with your sister-what has happened between you is between you two, but again-another perspective. I am the youngest of 5. I am a stay at home military wife and mother of 2. Ever since I was born I have had people (esp my mother) tell me how spoiled I am...and how I have never had to work for anything in my life-even though I always had a job, did as much as all of my sisters around the house, and did better in school-because I worked for it. I absolutely recognize that I was a little sh*! at times...but so was everyone else-and once I had grown up and was able to reassess my terrible self-esteem, I looked long and hard at my behavior growing up and saw that I reacted on the outside negatively-and appeared unhappy and grouchy all of the time, all the while I was eating myself up on the inside about it-but didn't want to show people how much they hurt me. It's a kind of self-fulfilling prophecy to drive people away (one way is to be negative and no one wants to be around someone constantly negative) and then be hurt by that fact. Maybe you could try independently reassessing your sister and her life. Now-at some point-everyone needs to grow up and take responsibility for their lives-but again-maybe she's stuck in a routine with you. None of this means you need to have a relationship with any of your family members that you're not prepared for or don't want-but relationships are never easy-and sometimes we can love people just fine from a distance, and be happy with who we are and our own lives without needing anyone else's validation...especially our family's!

Best of luck to you!

C.,

Be around people that uplift you not bring you down. Its easy for us to say "but they are family" but would you take that treatment from anyone else? No most likely not. Even though they are your family you still have the choice of having them in your life. If they are really that mean, you have to decide if you want to keep people that act that way in your life at all. Be courtous when you speak with them, but if I were in your spot I would not even visit. I am sure there are planet of people in your life that appriceate you for you. Those are the people to spend time with.

One of the hardest things in my life was pulling away from family that wasn't good for me anymore.

Once I became a Christian and didn't partake in the smoking and drinking, I was no longer treated the same. Incidently, I didn't really want to be around them anymore.They were going down a path that I now found repulsive and I didn't want my children exposed to anyway. I yearned for the "old days" and old relationships, but I realize those will never come again. I finally got to a place where it is OK.

I found a lot of comfort in the Lord. I am his now. I am an adopted member in the body/family of Christ. Oh how he loves me! Such love letters he sends out to his children- through the Bible. They are like honey to my soul. Very comforting. I hope you can find a source of comfort and others who can be the freinds you deserve.

Sorry you have to go through that with your family. If you are happy with your life where it is at. Meaning the kids, your own family, your job, your home, then I would say forget them. Not meaning completely but let them be the ones to cal you, let them be the ones ask you to come visit and when they start bringing things up on the phone tell them you have to go because you do not deserve to be treated this way. Same for when they ask you to visit, tell them the minute they start treating you that way you will pack up a leave fro home. Also maybe not now but eventually they wil see you sisters ways and realize what she is doing. Hopefully it is not too late. Good luck.

C.,

My situation is a bit different but I can still empathize. My relationship with my mother is more closely related to acquaintances rather than what society paints as a mother-daughter relationship.

The best I can tell you is you need to accept that you cannot change who they are.

This is much easier said than done. If you are happy in your life where you live, where you teach, and where you love, let your family be miserable. That is their choice. Why drag yourself down vying for their validation? It sounds like the insults are an effort to start a fight; thusly, drama ensues feeding the want for attention (negative at that) and a reason to be unhappy. AND, I should not forget to say, misery loves company. Stop wasting your energy and don’t join them.

Good luck! I know it is tough.

J..