My baby is lucky to have 5 grandparents! 2 Grandmas and 3 Grandpas (my dad, his dad, and my step-dad). My stepdad is probably the one she will be closest to as we live within about 20 miles of my parents. The other two grandpas pose a dilemma about which my husband and I cannot seem to agree.
His dad is simply an unknown. I've met him once: 30 minutes before we got married (4 years ago). He always promises to come out and never does. Granted, I suppose we could go visit him, but we are living on one income, and let's be honest, money is tight. He said that he will come for Christmas this year (he's said that before and I don't really believe that he will), but I'm a bit nervous about leaving my baby alone with him. I just don't know him. Am I crazy for feeling this way?
My dad, on the other hand, poses a more challenging question. Simply said, he has AIDS. He is not simply HIV+; he has AIDS. Of course, we've known this for a long time and and are totally aware of the fact that AIDS cannot be transmitted except in fluid-to-fluid interactions. Still, my dad is not a very self-aware guy. He would have no problem letting my baby suck on his finger - even if he had a cut or something there. I don't belive he would ever harm her intentionally; he just simply doesn't think. In addition to that, there are accusations that my dad, at some point or another, molested a child. Nothing has ever been proven, but any time these isuses come up, the question lingers.
So here's the situation: my husband and I agree that at NO TIME should our child be in a room with my dad without one or both of us present. Even if other people are there, we will be there too - stuck to our baby like glue. My husband wants to take it a bit farther: he would be happy to never allow my dad to see our daughter. I don't agree with that. AIDS or not, he's my dad and he's our baby's grandpa. We don't know anything about his behavior with other children, so while I will err on the side of caution, I don't want to cut off contact based on speculation.
All in all, we are having a hard time 1) coming to a decision and 2) finding a way to communicate that lovingly to my dad. Any suggestions would be helpful.
Just so everyone knows....we do understand how AIDS is and is not spread. AIDS is not the primary concern (though carelessness does make us nervous).
Always err on the side of safety. I would limit the time with him, be in the room but to cut him off completely seems to me to be a bit over the top. I take it that he never did anything to you because if he did I would say to keep her away completely. I still wouldn't trust him totally, if there is a rumor, there could be some truth to it. About the AIDS, caution and careful watching is all you can do with it.
I do not think that your father's AIDS or unproven (and possibly false) accusations should write him out of your child's life. But, both SHOULD warrant the level of vigilance that you have already proposed; that is, that you always be in the room & right next to your daughter when in either grandfather's presence.
IF he had ever molested someone, then you are protecting your child by never leaving them alone together. But, if he is innocent, imagine how sad and heartbreaking that would be for your father to be deprived ANY kind of relationship with his grandchild. I think you are being very reasonable.
My younger brother has schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. I will NEVER leave him alone in a room with any of my children, but as long as he is on his medications, he is welcome to visit us (not overnight) and to play with my children (with my close, but not hovering supervision).
Well, you don't have to "communicate anything" to your dad. Just be there & be vigilant about the safeness of his behavior around your son, right?
As for whether or not your son "can" or "cannot be" around you dad--I think as long as you follow the "never alone" rule, then it would be OK. He doesn't live close, so probably not all that often. And not to babysit.
As for your FIL, you don't know him, have nmet him once, so can you really picture a situation where he would be alone or "babysitting" for you guys? Not likely!
Why does your husband want to not let your Dad see the baby? He's already taken care of the safety issue by agreeing that one of you will stay in the room with them. I would talk more with him about his reasons. Have a discussion telling him how you feel using I statements. Both of you need to find a way to really listen and honor each others' feelings.
I see no way to communicate this sort of thing to your Dad in a loving manner. The decision is not loving. Cutting off total contact strikes me as an angry thing to do. I wonder if it's made based on prejudice and a lack of knowledge about AIDS. It's highly unlikely that your child would become ill.
Perhaps it would help if you talked with your baby's pediatrician about this.
I think it's actually pretty simple - neither of the 'questionable' granddads is EVER alone with the baby, to babysit or otherwise. End of story. No exceptions.
I don't think that anything needs to be communicated to your dad. Unless he specifically asks 'why don't you ever leave the baby alone with me?', then there's nothing that needs addressing. Just be sure to engage your dad in conversation while you're watching your baby like a hawk :o)
My uncle had AIDS and has since passed away. I had no problem with him holding my daughter; it was a non-issue. Of course, we trusted that he wouldn't do something stupid or thoughtless, but still.
It seems to me that the level of security you state makes sense, frankly for both of these men since you know next to nothing about your husband's father. I don't think you should cut off contact. However, you need to have total faith in you and your spouse that you can hold to that level of vigilence and that you can stand up to others who will question your behavior.
Regarding the AIDS, I personally would talk to my pediatrician, just so you are abundently aware of any red flags for danger involing kids. However, I think the risk is very low. But that is easy for me to say, since I am not in your shoes.
I personally could never deprive my dad from seeing his grandchildren. I have however threatened that they would not be able to spend the night if certain behaviors did not stop. As for the AIDS situation, you just need to be sure to not leave our little one alone with your dad. Someone close to me is in the same situation. Dad has AIDS and mom is HIV+, but they have never suspended contact between grandparents and grandchildren. Their kids are now 16 and 14 and there has never been even a scare of infecting the kids. The grandchildren do not know about the grandparents illness either. All they know is that if you are sick with even with a cold, you do not go to grandma & grandpa's. I do not see a reason to communicate anything to your dad. Just be sure to never leave your child alone with him if you do not feel comfortable doing so. I think maybe getting educated on AIDS might be helpful as well.
I would never ever let your child, son or daughter be with your dad whether in a group or alone, period, until he or she is tall, and heavier than your dad. Then you can tell your child why. Not because of the aids, because of the rumors of the his behavior with other children. You could never live with yourself if something went wrong. Not ever.
I would compromise with your husband. He wants your children to never see your dad, but wants his dad to be able to be alone with baby. You want to only have highly supervised visits with your dad and not alone with his dad either but not supervised really either (like you don't need to be in the room, just in the house).
I would have to say that you do one of his options and one of your options for grandparent care. If he wins the cut contact with your dad thing, then you win the never alone with his dad thing. If he wins the alone with his dad thing then you win the highly supervised visits thing.
Personally, they live far away so it isn't like you really have to worry. Likely your baby is attached to you and so you can claim that he is fussy or whatever. New mom nerves are wonderful for keeping strangers at bay!
I read the other answers and am confused. Why would either man ever be alone with any child?
i think because its soo hard that you should always have a parent present in the room with your dad. because of the past in question. i can understand the worry there. for his dad i can see that its hard because they are a stranger to you and your baby. i wouldnt leave the baby with either of them
Wow what a tough situation. I'd listen to your husband on this one.
Your dad lived the life he did and he is living with the consequences of that behavior. You are aware and as an adult can better handle your dad. Be cautious with your child unless you want the child to "accidentally" get AIDS as well. You have to think long term and remove the emotional side to it. Your dad has to come to terms with the fact that he has the disease and be conscious in the case of his young grandchild who has no clue and while being loving etc, will do things that put her in harms way (as you've said it, he is not always aware..and it is natural to forget when you see a child smiling and loving you) Continue to monitor and be in the same room at all times for the sake of the child. When the child comes of age (if not already old enough) let them know your dad is sick and can't do certain things.
Continue to be there for your dad and let him know you still love him but because of the reality of the sickness you have to be cautious for your child.
I think you're being torn because it is your dad and unfortunate that your daughter can't experience the joy of being around him for that reason. I would also not fight with your husband, but tell him how you feel and ask him to be a bit more understanding.
PS: You only mentioned the grandpas, what happened to the grandmas why do you feel obligated to only leave your daughter in the care of the men?
First of all, your husband's dad might not even show up for Christmas. He hasn't done so thus far and you've only spent 30 minutes with him which was 4 years ago. I guess I'm not sure why leaving him alone with your child would even be a consideration. He is a stranger to you and to your baby.
Do you need him to babysit or something? I aplogize....I have a bad cold so perhaps I'm not understanding what you mean by leaving the baby alone with him.
As far as cutting off all contact with your father, I think that is carrying things way too far.
I would get information from the pediatrician about AIDS and safety precautions to take. At a quiet time with your dad, just the two of you, you could maybe share the information just to make sure that you follow things as precautions.
I'm sure he would not want to cause any harm to your baby and as long as you don't intend to leave him alone with the baby, there should be absolutely no reason to end all contact.
I know someone who contracted AIDS from a blood transfusion. He came from a HUGE close knit family. If he had been cut off by his family out of fear, that would have been an even bigger death sentence for him.
Fortunately for him, his family embraced him as opposed to pushing him away.
It seems like a simple thing to agree on. You agree not to leave your baby alone with strangers and you agree to supervise interactions with your baby around others.
Best wishes.
This is such a hard question. From the outside, it looks so obvious. But, from someone who knows, it's never as easy as it looks. Both your and your husband's feelings are valid. And there is no right answer. Only the two of you can figure this out. I don't think there's enough information for someone to even speculate on what might work for you guys. But if you ever want to talk to someone who can empathize, send me a private message.
I wouldn't leave the baby alone with either your bio-father or your FIL. Let them visit, but don't leave them alone with the baby. You have no need to "explain" things to either of them unless you want to have a drama-filled holiday or to give either of them a reason to refuse to visit.
