Single Mom, Not Much Family or Friends Just Need Advice and Lil Help Please!

why is it such a big deal to you if he is HIV+ or not? if he is will it change how you feel? if he is such a good friend it shouldnt matter to you either way. if you start a relationship that may get sexual, approach the subject then in a casual way- also use protection. dont let a rumor keep you from liking someone.

WOW well one thng you could do if you are thinking of being sexual with him is just tell him now a days you cant be too safe and maybe you could go together to be tested....that might just make him honest if he does have anything....you have a child you need to think of the both of you ....then again honesty is the best policy
GOOD LUCK
A.

You have a child and he is a grown man so ask that man Bluntly-"Straight to the point- For my protection, please go get yourself check out, for all diseases not just HIV-maybe he has herpes-and tell him to give the results in writing." Please-you want to be around for your child.

Being a single mom is difficult and often there are periods of loneliness that can push you to making decisions you may regret later. If you are considering a deeper relationship with this person and you are at a milestone, it is time to just ask. Tell him you have heard rumors and you would like a straightforward answer so that you can put the rumors to rest. If your relationship gets to a sexual level, you MUST both be tested at the county health department so that you both have a clean bill of health prior to a sexual encounter. AND, you need to still use a condom and a second form of birth control for you if pregnancy is an issue. That way, everything is safe and out in the open. Think about you and your child first and foremost. You could also think about it this way...how would you want your child to handle such a situation? Don't settle for anything less than the best when it comes to a relationship. I did that and I regret it. If this man is HIV+, think about the cost of paying for healthcare and how that could potentially take away from you and your child. I know that sounds cold and inconsiderate, but it is reality...AIDS could ensue and that can bring on much sickness. I am a registered nurse and have seen what it does to both the family and the patient. Take care.

Yeah I am sure that is tough to come out and ask, Like let me see your test results!! BUt in the long run, don't let youfeeling embarassed to ask a question mess up the rest of your life and your kids. Just try being honest, say remember when we were in Jr. high.....? then just put him in your shoes.. if he heard rumors about you do you think he would even be talking to you? I bet he would have the same things on his mind. Honesty is always good... because eventually the truth will come out anyway.

I agree with the group about asking him straight out if he has any sexually transmitted diseases. If he is in fact HIV+ then you need to ask yourself how much risk are you willing to put yourself at if you pursue a romantic relationship. If you choose not to have sex because of HIV+ thing then can you live the rest of your relationship with him without sex? I know I couldn't!

Once you get past that and know all the facts, then you need to just get it out in the open about how you feel. If he doesn't feel the same then at least you know. How to do it? Tell him, "I've been enjoying spending more time with you and would like to take it to the next step (dating). What do you think?" No need to do a lot of explaining or dragging it out, he'll most likely think you want the same in return and that could be a deal breaker. Short and sweet is all that is needed. There will be plenty of time for the rest afterwards.

As for the friendship if he says he doesn't feel the same, you are responsible for how much you let your feelings for him show. You're an adult not some lovestruck teen. If you can't be friends with him without that getting in the way then you will just have to end the friendship. It wouldn't be fair on either of you.

The only thing you really can do is tell him what you heard and try to help him understand that you are not judging him, you just need to know the truth for your own health's sake. That is something that you can't fool around with. You need to know what your getting into. This is serious. I would be a gentle as you can about it, but in reality his getting his feelings hurt is a lot better than you getting the disease!!
Hope this helps.
L. G.

Sure write him a letter ask what you need to know, and then remember your first responsbility is your CHILD! When you decide to have a child you are deciding to be responsible for your actions, responsible for what and whom you expose that child to. My only advice to you is worry less about some guy and more about what you are bringing around for your child to see. My mother was a single mom when I grew up and we had no family, but she always made me her first priority and was very careful about the people that came around the house.
I feel a tone in you note of being way more wrapped up in a life of introducing drama than being responsible for your # 1 priority. You devuldged more about this person that could possible be infected with HIV than you did your own child.

well i sort of know what you are going through...my suggestion would be if you say that you are going to be his friend no matter what then there is no reason to really disscuss that until the issue of sex comes up....if it doesnt then you are still friends & you dont have to worry about the embarrassmant... (& you dont really need to know if you guys are just friends)

You need to just ask him straight out if the rumors are true, and if your still unsure of the answer then if it does come down to you being in a relationship tell him you want to go get tested before anything moves on.HIV is nothing to take lightly as you know it does have the possibilty of turning out to be full blow AIDS. I know first hand the devastation that AIDS brings. My step father died from comlications of AIDS (2/19/98)and the way he suffered was unbearable. You have to think of your child and ask yourself if it is true are you ready for all that comes with it??

be honest with him... this is your health were talking about. if he can't give you an honest answer, then tell him that if he wants to pursue anything with you, both of you should get tested. go together, and read your results together. if anything you have a child to think about, and while i'm not saying that anyone with HIV is bad becuz there not, regardless of how they got it, he should respect you wanting to know. and if he wants to know who told you or where you heard about his status from, tell him. if it isn't true then thats a horrible rumor to pass around. good luck and please be safe :)

J.:

You are doing the right thing by being concerned so that says a lot, also keep in mind that you have a family to protect and no one will take care of you and your son/daughter as well as you. The question around HIV shouldn't be relinquished to people you suspect of, you should ask this of anybody you plan to be intimate with b/c your health should come first.

If you are truly interested in this person for a long term relationship then feel free to talk about it, no letter, this is not only for him but for you as well. For example if you two are planning to take the relationship to the next level then have the conversation and both of you should get tested and emphasize that this is not about him is about the two of you. He should be aware of your health as you should be aware of his. You guys seem to have been friends for a while so I am positive he will understand.

Again no one cares for you as well as you do so whether is him or anybody else in your life you plan to be with, the HIV conversation is one you should always have it is your life we are talking about here and nothing is worth sacrificing it.

If your only interest in him is just being friends then be a good friend and let it go and he will tell you when he feels is right. Rumors are always there for a reason but they are rumors. If it is true this is private and it may be something he is not comfortable sharing with you yet. Just educate yourself about the disease and learn what kind of precautions you should take. After all it has been established that casual contact is not a way of contracting the disease.

Wishing you strength and success.

Hi J.. If you've known this person for so many years, than you should just be up front w/him. He might be offended if you did it otherwise. Just be honest. Tell him you've heard some things from other sources and would like to just know straight out from him and that it won't change how you feel about him. That's just my opinion. Good LuckGirl... J.

J.,
It looks like you got a lot more questions in your mind, then you are able to really write about. I wasn't sure in your letter what your feelings were about him, and if you want to get married, or if you want to marry him. My advice is to write a letter to him, maybe not give it to him, but write down all the things you want to ask him, or tell him. Maybe while writing you will find your answer. I am not sure if that helps, but sometimes when you write something down, it is easier to express what you truly are feeling. let me know how it goes.

I completely agree with just asking him. Just tell him that you want to stop the rumors about what you were told or what you have heard and you want it straight from him. If you guys are becoming close friends...you should be able to be open and honest. And you never know...what if the rumors are lies and you keep thinking he does have HIV...you might actually missout on an opportunity for a more serious relationship.

I worked with a guy who was HIV+ and he actually came to me and told me so I didn't hear it from someone else. I was so appreciative that he felt comfortable enough to tell me. I'm sure your friend will feel the same if you ask him.

M.

HI J., FIRST I WOULD LIKE TO SAY THAT, YES THERE IS ALOT OF ADVICE AND SUGGESTIONS IN HERE (SOME GOOD, SOME BAD) HOWEVER YOU MUST TAKE WHAT YOU GET AND WEIGH YOUR OPTIONS. NOW, PUTTING THIS OFF ISNT GOING TO MAKE IT GO AWAY, YOU MUST ADDRESSE IT, AND THE SOONER THE BETTER, I MEAN WHAT IF YOU FALL IN LOVE THEN FIND OUT IT WAS TRUE? OR EVEN WORSE, WHAT IF YOU SLEEP WITH HIM THEN FIND OUT ITS TRUE? IF THIS GUY IS REALLY YOUR FRIEND THEN I AM SURE HE WOULD APPRECIATE IT MORE IF YOU JUST ASKED HIM INSTEAD OF LISTENING TO RUMORS BECAUSE SOONER OR LATER HES GOING TO NOTICE THE CHANGE IN YOUR ATTITUDE AND BEHAVIOR WHEN YOU'RE AROUND HIM. AND THAT MY DEAR WILL HURT HIM MUCH MORE. OR BETTER YET, MAYBE YOU COULD MAKE A SUGGESTION THAT YOU AND HIM GET TESTED TOGETHER, MY BF AND I DO IT AT LEAST ONCE A YEAR.

I think you should just tell him what you have heard and that you need to know if it is true or not and explaine to him that even if it is ture you will still be freinds with him but nothing more. Also if he says no just let him no before things go anyfeather between the two of you you beleive you both should be tested; tell him that you are all your children have and you have to protect yourself for them. And if he truly cares about you then he will get tested and allow you to see the results and understand were you are comming from.

Hello J.,
I can understand your hesitation to ask him up front. BUT this is 2006, HIV is not a taboo anymore. People talk about it everyday. I know many find it hard to go get tested. You can ask him to go take a test with you whenever you cross the friendship line and head towards a sexual relationship.
AND you should also make it a point to GO GET the results together.
Don't let HIV stop you from loving a person.
Good luck

Its not off the wall with this day and age to request hiv and std testing in relationships or with people planning on having sex. Not sure the feeling involved with the two of you but if there are rumors of HIV don't risk your health for a fear of bringing it up. Propose you both go togehter to get tested so when the time comes you will both go into things with a clear mind. This life is short enough, don't take risks with your life, its not only you but your kids lives. Good luck