A Loveless Marriage That Is Dying

The testosterone issue is big. Some men don't respond well to topical treatment - it just doesn't absorb. Injections are the way to go, and at least once a week. Find a doctor that is willing to work with him on getting that level back up. It makes a huge difference in all around mood and the desire to live.

It sounds like he's lost interest in everything -- don't take it personally.

He definitely sounds depressed, so I think starting with the testosterone shots is a good beginning. It's too bad he won't take the initiative, so you will probably have to force it.

Yes, marriage is more than about sex, but it doesn't sound like he's giving you much of anything. It sounds like he has changed from the person he was when you married him, and that is really tough on you.

Good luck, hopefully the testosterone and anti-depressants will make the change.

Counseling, counseling, counseling. If he won't go with you, go on your own. One of the interesting things about a relationship between two people is that in order for things to change, only one person's behavior needs to change. You can see this - his negative changes are affecting both of you. The right positive changes that you can make can also affect both of you, for the better. That's not to say that you're responsible for his happiness - you're not - or that you can change him - you can't - but you CAN take care of you and in doing so, that will cause other changes.

Your husband is ill and what you are living with are symptoms of his illness. Being the spouse of someone with a mood disorder can be a killer, literally (my husband has a form of bi-polar). So don't let his depression become contagious. Take good care of yourself so that you can help him take the best care of himself and have the patience to weather the storms. My guess is that his medication is no longer working and he needs something new to jump start him back on the path to wellness and stability. There are so many options for treating depression now that it would be a shame for you to give up on the man you love when the good life you want with him could be one medication and some therapy away.

At the end of the day if he doesn't manage his illness there is nothing you can do about it, but you can make sure that you have the support and resources in your life to maintain your own wellness, and a therapist familiar with this situation can give you practical advice on how to push him to take the next steps. When my husband was on medication, we signed HIPAA paperwork that allowed me to talk to his doctor(s) and give them feedback on the effectiveness of the medication, and that was very helpful. There are ways for you to become part of the conversation between him and his doctors and to be an active part of his treatment plan and a counselor or therapist can give you some tips on how to broach that with your husband to get his permission.

Sending you a giant hug. When my husband is unwell (which is more often than not) I keep busy with things I enjoy doing and remind myself that I have other relationships of value in my family and friends. Can you call a girlfriend and go out for dinner (and some wine)? Or go treat yourself to a cocktail and a good book, whatever floats your boat. I do hope you talk to someone in real life who can help guide you through this mess and that your husband allows you to help him get better.

Marriage is always 70%/20%, right?

Well I think right now you are the 70%.

I think you need to be more assertive. Call the doctor and make the appointment, and TELL him he is going.

Tell them on the phone that it is for low testosterone, and to adjust his anti depressant. For this one instance, I would even push my way into the actual doctors visit (normally I don't think this is ok).

If that didn't work I would request some of the doc's time at the end of the visit to share what is going on with husband. The doc will want to know what you see going on at home.

Part of depression is inability the to make decisions... You don't know where to step first, and then if you do, sometimes you are just physically unable to do so.

I think for the next few months it is ok to be assertive and take control of the situation. If the medical adjustments don't clear this up, if you run out of patience or don't feel it has been resolved in a reasonable amount of time then I would contact a marital therapist.

Best of luck to you!

ETA: when you start counseling, make sure you let the counselor know you feel he just "plays along". It will help him/her help you.

ETA 2: who is prescribing the antdepressant? Most psychotropic medications are only effective when paired with a mental health therapist who is seen regularly. Just something to keep in mind.

Make sure you take care of yourself!

Hope it works out :-)

You're right that your marriage will die if left like this. You say you don't want a divorce and you love him, but that WILL change when you just can't take the personal neglect anymore.

With that in mind I would "force things" and take action from a place of love. You've done enough talking to him and you see where that gets you. He will not self-motivate just because you TELL HIM how you feel. He's way way beyond that. He may not be able to change if he's a lost cause, but the only hope I see is if you lay out some things he MUST DO as an ultimatum.

"Sweetie I love you so much and this breaks my heart but I can't stay in this marriage if it means a life of lonely celibacy. I need you to do x, y, and z so we can work on this, or else it just will not work anymore. I'll give it six months to see if we can start to see a glimmer of hope. I want to work hard with you and help any way I can."

And you have to have a plan to follow and you have to follow through. What would you like him to do? Eat more healthily and take walks with you when he gets off work after dinner x days per week instead of TV and some sort of therapy? Whatever it is, give him a solid framework to follow. If he refuses any effort, then your hand is forced. Don't wait until you hate him. That love and sympathy will fade out as a natural defense mechanism fro your sanity. Tae action while you still care. Be honest, loving and clear with him.

I think the low sex drive, CPAP/apnea, and weight are all manifestations of the same cluster of symptoms. Hard to know which one occurred first, but they often occur together. And you allude to other medical problems so it's all one big mess. I'm sure he doesn't know where to start, and doesn't have the energy to think about it.

It's not about whether you are doing enough (cooking, cleaning, paying bills) - you could cut that to 25% of your workload, or you could triple it, and I doubt it would change anything.

He may be medically compromised or clinical depressed, or some combination. It's nothing you can talk him out of though. You can't talk to him anymore about any of this - there's nothing else you can say that's going to make a difference. You should get some counseling at least for yourself, and if he will go, that's wonderful. But you have got to find some support. If there is some way to lead him to the doctor, great. But he's got to want to change and he's got to see that there is a problem. So maybe you should look for a counselor who does individual and couples work, or who is part of an office that has several therapists. Ask your doctor for a referral to someone who takes your medical insurance.

Good luck - don't wait to go get help.

Oh, honey, I'm so very sorry that this is happening.

I would encourage him to have some hormone testing to determine if he has low testosterone. The symptoms you've outlined point that direction, and I imagine that it would be quite a relief to him to know that the way he's feeling isn't his fault. It's very common for men, and he can take care of it with a simple gel/lotion he puts on his arms each morning (the testosterone is absorbed through the skin). He could be feeling better within just a couple of weeks.

That's where I'd start. And if that's not it (I think it is), the next step would be marriage counseling. ♥

Best to you both.

i'm so sorry, hon. it sounds as if you still have a lot to offer this relationship, but it's not reciprocated.
i hope he either wakes up and starts to meet you halfway, or that you make a break and start a new adventure soon.
{{{}}}
khairete
S.

I'm so sorry, this is a tough time. I agree with both your and Christie Lee's inclination that he needs some medical help, and it's so hard to get someone to be motivated to do that when they are depressed.

If he won't go to the doctor, consider getting both of you into marriage counseling. You may want to see/talk to someone else on your own, for your own support. Feeling rejected in this way is so hard,it hurts our hearts deeply, and it sounds like you do want to continue the marriage, so getting some help through this time is important.

Hugs. Hang in there. I do want to say this: your willingness to want to work on things is a good example for a lot of young wives-- married couples can fall in and out of love-- so long as both parties are willing to work toward togetherness again, things can change. Good luck.

So your marriage is based on sex and if there's no sex then your marriage is over?
Well - it's true if one wants more than the other there's a whole lot of unhappiness - one feels like it's a chore, the other feels angry about that.
There's nothing wrong with wanting a sex life but it's just one part of your relationship.

But there are some sexless marriages out there.
They just are happy with togetherness and companionship, common interests and history.
"Sexless" does not necessarily means "loveless".
Maybe a marriage counselor can help you guys figure out what you collectively want to do and whether you'll be doing it together or not.

I agree with you and others that unless your husband addresses his medical issue, things are unlikely to change. It's like a combination, but I'm sure you know that lack of motivation is a major symptoms of depression, and is one reason that many people with depression don't get the help they need. I too think you need to make an appointment and go with him to tell his doctor what is going on, and that his depression is not getting better with his current medication. If he refuses to go, then you have a bigger decision to make - is this the way you want to live your next 30+ years?

I also think it would help if you saw a therapist. A therapist can help you decide what you want for your future, especially if your husband refuses to seek help.

(sigh, I'm sad for you too.)

I'm sorry you are sad that you're not sexually satisfied. My marriage is a lot more than sex. I don't equate sex with love. Love is so much more. If all you had is sex, then you've always had a loveless marriage. Now, you have a sexless marriage, too. In my opinion, you are looking at this in the wrong way and he hasn't left you; you are leaving him.

He does sound depressed.
Encourage him to talk to his doctor.

It really sounds more like he's suffering from depression instead of just low testosterone and needs to see his doctor to either get his medication upped or changed to something else. Just because you are on depression medication doesn't mean it's working.

He sounds very much like my ex-husband...if he next loses his job and starts drinking too much.

His meds aren't working. He needs to see his doctor about that.
Counseling is important for you whether he joins you or not.
Don't ever apologize for your need for sex. It is on the same level as food, water, and shelter as a basic human need.
Do what you can to address your needs and not sink into depression yourself.
You can't force him to change his behaviors, but he needs to be aware of how they are affecting you and your feelings for him. This is an area that a good counselor can help with.

Oh my gosh I feel so sad with you. I know how hard it must be.You are right, to go get some counseling for yourself, but one more time and another one more time tell him what you told us, how you feel. You love him. And love him again. Depression has taken over, the meds can be killing his desire and he can equate his own 'settling' for lack of desire. Ask him to come to a middle ground, schedule intimacy, schedule touching time, you don't have to jump all over eachother just start reminding eachother of what fun it can be. And yes counseling can help but a counselor isn't sitting in your house with you. I am a firm believer, perhaps way too romantic, that you can pull it together again. HUG
Oh and I am adding one more thing here: perhaps have his meds changed (talk to doctor yourself) and MAKE him do some of the things you are doing. About the meds, my son is bipolar and I have seen some of these things change as he has changed his meds. YOU WILL BE HAPPY AGAIN