My 6 year old daughter has best friend who often comes to our house to play. We love having her over since my daughter is an only child, and there is only so many Barbies i can play with! But, there have been a few odd things happen while she is here and I need advice on if and how to tell her mom. A few months ago, the girls were in the bathroom and giggling A LOT...after her friend left, my daughter told me that her friend was teaching her how to "pee like a boy...you know, standing up". After I cleaned up the pee from all over the toilet and bathroom floor, my daughter showed me how they were doing this, and they were somehow standing on the toilet seat and going. my daughter then told me that she knew it was wrong (and gross!) and would never do it again. Thankfully, she has not and the subject has never been brought up since. This past week, the same BFF was here and the girls were playing in the playroom and all was well...or so I thought! After the friend left,my daughter tells me that she (her friend) pooped while she was here. (No biggie, right?)Then my daughter tells me that her friend picked her poop up out of toilet!!! So, after bleaching everything, we talk about ti and my daughter tells me how gross it was and that she would never, ever do that. I don't think that even for a minute that my daughter would ever dream of doing anything like this. Granted, she is far from perfect, but this goes way beyond anything she'd ever do!
So, my question is: do I tell this little girl's mom...and if so, how?? I don't want to seem like a crazy, paranoid mom and I am friends with her mom and my husband with her dad. I know it's a pretty crappy subject, but I'd appreciate your opinions!! Thanks
Well, something needs to be said about the poop handling! That is disgusting -and it has the potential to make someone sick! I like Riley J's approach where you kind of laughingly say, "You won't BELIEVE what those two got up to the other day!" And then just tell her that they were trying to pee standing up and then evidently ___ picked her poop up out of the toilet. Couple it with something like "Can you believe what kids do?"
There's a 'Despair' poster that reads:
"None of us are as stupid as all of us."
Neither myself, nor any of my friends, would EVER have done even 1/10th of the things alone, that we did together. Kids egg each other on, come up with wild and crazy (or taboo) ideas, and then do them for the thrill factor.
Warning Signs:
- Silence
- Giggles
- Unexplained Crashing Noises
- "Nothing Happened!" being shouted down from oh-too-cheerful voices.
_____________
I talk with my son's friends' parents.
"So, they got into THIS today!" coupled with a naturally rueful expression, rolled eyes, or long suffering laugh / sigh... has been met each and every single time with equally honest descriptions of what they get up to over that THEIR house with the exclusion of 2 sets of parents.
We KNOW the kids are getting into equally disgusting/ boundary crossing/ borderline to wildly inappropriate things at THOSE houses, too (the kids do tell us)... but "Everything was great!" or "This Super Serious Concerning Thing" bum bum bum (that of course, only our kids, and never theirs, did) is all the rest of us ever hear back from the parents.
We can TELL they're either embarrassed or in denial. Put kids together, and hijinks happen. That's why they need to be supervised!!!! When nothing wrong, gross, or troublesome happens... I flat out don't believe the parents, or it makes me think that they're not paying attention. And i have a REALLY GOOD KID who asks before running in the house, is uber polite, and always gets compliments from playdates! But kids get into trouble.
Personally, I want to know what kind of mischief was abounding. And when I share what's going on in my house, and they share what's going on in theirs... then we can deal with the problems as they come up. If we don't know, then we can't parent it.
"Kiddo... the ______ that happened today???"
I would want to know if my daughter did this at someone else's house. It would embarass me to no end, but I'd want to know.
I would address it as, "Hey, it's not the biggest deal in the world, but I wanted you to know that the girls did some inappropriate play the last two times they were together. The first time I let it go because I handled it. They actually stood on the toilet and peed. And this last time they were examining poop a little too closely - if you know what I mean." The other mom will then ask a dozen questions or throw in what she has seen lately. You answer with, "I just wanted to let you know so that way if it turns into something serious with either girl we are on the same page. I've laid down some ground rules in the house that maybe would be helpful at your house, too. I told them they can't use the bathroom together anymore and if they make a mess they have to clean it up."
I would even throw in some humor and chuckles to lighten it up. Good luck and let us know how it turns out!
TELL THE GIRL'S MOM.
Please, tell the girl's Mom.
This is not normal.
Just tell her, in a calm non-judgmental manner.
But, TELL the Mom.
And, you need to teach your daughter, to SPEAK UP, when the girl is in your home... and to come GET YOU, when she is doing something INapprorpriate.
Your daughter is 6. You tell her, to come get you.
Or, you will have to keep constant supervision of them both... whenever the girl is over at your home.
TELL THAT girl's Mom.
And don't wait.
If that were my home and my child and their friend, I WOULD tell the child's Mom. Why not?
But... my kids would tell me, if something were going on that was inappropriate.
If that girl were my kid, I would want to know.
I, ALWAYS have tons of play dates at my home, for my kids. Sometimes 8 kids are here!
AND I always... tell the parents, how their kid was or how the kids were, when they come for pick up.
Again, since you know now... that this girl is doing stuff like this... you need to supervise them, constantly. Or more.
To me, this happened twice already. Toilet misbehavior. And this is your home and your child.
With that in mind, I would tell the Mom.
Why not?
I know my kids' friend's Parents... and they KNOW, that I would not lie about things like this nor make up stories.
AND my kids, would CORROBORATE me on it.... to the parents.
AND they would not want their child, behaving that way... at someone else's home.
i would tell her just because of the sanitary side of it. She could get sick touching it if not washing her hands good. I would Lysol the mess out of the room too! Don't be judgemental about it or anything just tell her what happened and that's it. I was keeping my neice once and giving the girls a bath and my neice just pooped in the water like nothing
I couldn't believe my eyes when she picked up and started to hand it to my daughter! I freaked! I tell my sister when she came to get her that day and she said, yeah I know she does that all the time it's no big deal. Ewwww!!! It is to me! I guess to each their own???
I dont know that I would say anything to the parents just yet. I would however set some ground rules in your house. They can only go in to the bathroom individually. All doors MUST be left open (except the bathroom when they are going of course). No being sneaky and secretive in the bedrooms.
We had a little neighbor girl who did a lot of the pull down your pants, show me your stuff. There was no point in telling her parents. They would have turned it around on my kid somehow. I didnt want her to know that my daughter had told me what was going on. So I just set rules. If they couldnt stick by them, she had to go home.
Yes! You don't have be dramatic or anything but if it were your daughter, would you want to know? The other parent needs to know to correct this behavior now. The other mom would be upset if she found out that you knew about this stuff and never said anything. I know I would be.
You daughter may not be the type to do this on her own, but when kids get together the things they normally find gross suddenly is funny, hence your daughter joining in and peeing on the toilet and laughing about it with her. That's just the way kids are. So you also need to talk to the child and let her know what is expected in your house as proper behavior.
When you talk to the mom, just let her know it's an uncomfortable subject but you need her to know what's going on when she visits when the girls are together. And the next time she comes over have a frank and short talk about proper behavior in your home, giving the examples that you know about, and move on. If it happens again then I wouldn't allow the child over again for a while and let the mother know. Remember, your child isn't innocent in this either. She followed along and laughed because she was with her friend and that's not right either. Make sure she understands that it's ok to say no to a good friend and to stop them from doing something wrong. That's being a good friend too.
K. B
mom to 5 including triplets
I agree with everything Karen B. said and I just have one thing to add, I would not (and do not) allow my children to be in the bathroom with their friends with the door closed for any reason...the only time I think they would ever have a reason to be in the bathroom together is when they are brushing their teeth and the door stays open for that.
Just be kind when you speak to the girl's Mom...but yes, absolutely tell her about it and DO have a quick conversation with both the girls about how none of that will be happening again.
Tell the mom. I don't always think all kids get into weird stuff. From my experience, some kids are more prone to that stuff than others. My 2 daughters have done gross/weird stuff once in a while, but not on a routine basis. We have a ton of playdates at our house. I have a relatively small house, and while I don't watch everyone every minute, I can hear what they're up to if I'm in another room doing something.
You don't have to make it out like her kid was all bad, just let her know what the girls got into and how you took care of it.
No real advice, but the first story reminds me of the time that my little brother thought that since he could pee standing up, he ought to be able to POOP standing up. Made a HUGE, GROSS mess that my Dad still ribs him about 30+ years later!
Absolutely tell her! If this were child doing it, I am sure you would want to know. Just tell her, call her up ask to meet with her. Or I suppose you could do it over the phone, but if you are friends I would meet with her. Or have her over. But this definitely needs to be discussed.
We had a problem with a couple of my son's friends using foul language. I pulled them aside and said we don't talk that way at our house and if it happened again I would send them home. I made it matter of fact without trying to shame them--just letting them know the rules and that I was serious.
I would handle your situation the same way and not tell the parents unless it continues. However, I really think that little girl may have a problem!
Definitely tell the mom - gently and kindly, as described in other posts.
Absolutely no reason kids need to be in a bathroom together for anything either than washing hands, brushing teeth... (stuff that does not require a closed door).
Good luck!
