Hi everyone. I need some serious unsolistated advice. My 5 yr. has turned my usually very patientness to its last thread. I don't know how much of it is still a transition to his 16mth old brother or just being five. He and I truely just don't get along. I mean if he were 15 then maybe I could understand this better but he's 5. He fights me on everything and tells me NO constantly. Plus he tries to parent his brother right in front of me and after I already have. In school he is the last one in the door even when we were the first ones there. Somedays he says he wants to go back to pre-school but specially the 2yr. class. When he says that I read it as him being jealous of his brother. Life was all about him for 4 yrs. then he got a brother. So I understand there is an adjustment period but for how long?! He feels its his way or the highway! And when its not his way he "wants his Gramma". I try to tell him in a way he might understand that nothing has changed so much that he and I can't still have him and I time, but that doesn't seem to matter to him. Plus I know sometimes I use too many words and I really try to be concouis of that. After about the first five words he tunes me out. Please any words of wisdom would help, I just don't know whwat to do anymore!!!!! Thanks for y'alls ear.
So it hasn't been terribly long, but thank you for letting me know I am not alone with this. And thank you for suggesting the book "How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk". It's my new kid bible. In fact I had to buy a copy because the library wouldn't let me keep it any longer! :P Things are definitly slow going, Rome wasn't built in a day, as they say. But, taking the time to breathe and remember what I have learned through reading y'alls reponses and the BOOK definitly helps. Thank you all again!
You may want to try the book "How to Talk so Kids Will Listen & Listen so Kids Will Talk
by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish. This book teaches the technique of "mirroring" that is being referred to in one of the responses to you. It's been so effective for me.
Good Luck.
Yep, that sounds like my 5-year old! (How is it that we have "The Terrible Twos" but nobody warns you about "The Bossy Fives"? Being an only child myself, I never quite understood why people would want more than one child. But my husband insisted, so we had a second child when our daughter was almost 3. Let me tell you, it has not been wine and roses. These two girls have completely opposite personalities and I think they get along about 20% of the time. The rest of the time, it's all-out war. In the car today my older daughter was doing that "I'm not touching you!" thing while holding her finger half an inch from her sister, and little sister was SCREAMING at her, "STOP IT! I HATE YOU!" Ugggggggh. I had to stop the car and threaten to beat them both. Like you, I'm kind of dreading the teenage years! We give them plenty of one-on-one time but that doesn't seem to matter.
So no, I don't have any golden words of advice for this one. But you're not alone!!!
My bossy elder daughter had to be told many times that I was the "Queen" for now and when she grew up she would get to be "Queen," but for now she had to accept her place in the world as a kid which can be a lot of fun. Now as an 11 year old she doesn't test me anymore around authority and is happily a kid. In fact now she doesn't want to grow up because it means a lot of responsibility. (Another challenge in the opposite direction, OOPS) She still tries to boss her sister, but not NEARLY as much as I have taught her that she is her sister's friend not boss.
As far as the mirroring, it's important to hear them, mirror them, AND say how things are. Kids want to be heard (don't we all) and they also need to be guided towards the positive truth rather than focusing on the negative.
I would be curious why he wants to go back to pre-school. What did he get out of that experience. You may be surprised at his answer.
It takes time and, yes, patience. Sometimes I think parents nowadays are too afraid to assert their authority. I'm not wholly on the Dr. Phil bandwagon of parenting, but kids need solid boundaries to grow up feeling secure within themselves. One of my good friends says, "It's a kid's job to push boundaries and a parent's job to reinforce them."
And when you really need to, give yourself a time out. LOL
My oldest son was the first and is 3-1/2 yrs. older than his sister, so I have had your same situation. The only advice I have is to find whatever ways you can to make him feel special, and have special alone times with him. My son is now 19 but he made parenting so much harder for me because of his sibling rivalry. He never got over it completely but finally I see signs of his maturing now that he's in college. The his way or the highway sounds familiar. In terms of what to say to him that will help I would say to mirror his feelings -- "yeah, it sucks having a little sister/brother", etc. If I had done more of that (I learned that technique too late) I would have made life a lot more easy on myself. I always tried to tell him how much he should love his little sibling. Wrong. Now THERE's a way to get them to tune out.
Just letting you know you're not alone ...
