2 1/2 Year Old NOT Listening - Schoharie,NY

Restaurants and parking lots are not natural habitats for young children, and you'll find that most, if not all, families who take their children to such places have experiences like yours, at least occasionally.

I've watched this "not listening" phenomenon with great interest for decades now, interacting with many young families in my neighborhood and religious community. What I think I see is that the parents don't listen to the children, either, and the kids are imitating their parents. If Joey wants a snack, or to have a few minutes to examine some object, or needs to get up and move, or take a stroll across a parking lot to learn what is safe, too bad, if the parents want him to do something else. They are too busy to pause to hear his need. He learns to do that in return.

Same thing with sassing or back-talk – kids really are doing a childish version of what they hear from their parents: "Joey, no." "Joey, you get over here right this minute!" "Joey, stop that." "Joey, don't use those bad words." "Joey, put that down." "Joey, no." "Joey, do that again and you'll be in trouble." "Joey, knock it off." "Joey, what did I tell you?" "NO, Joey!" And on, and on. Parents really don't hear the tone they use with their kids.

I sounds to me like Oliver is checking the truthfullness of what you tell him, so it's really important to tell him only the truth. You tell him the cars will hit him – he finds out twice that he can go into the parking lot without getting hit – even when he's not holding your hand.

Part of that is just the natural scientist in young children, the exploration of cause and effect – a critical skill that contributes to the survival of the child, IF he doesn't "git hisself kilt" first. So it is critical for parents to be careful about what we say. If we want to be a respected authority in our children's lives, we would do well to be truthful and accurate and respectful. Always, always, always.

Will we succeed in that? No, we'll goof. So apology is another critical art we need to demonstrate for our kids if they are ever going to learn genuine and heartfelt apology.

So, all that is groundwork in helping him develop social skills. And so is keeping your expectations of his abilities age-appropriate. Toddlers have extremely short attention spans, little impulse control (and virtually none when they are tired and hungry), can seldom sit still for more than 10—15 minutes, and don't like restaurants, because they don't comprehend why adults will sit for an hour and do something so boring as eating and talking. So there will be a few bites of food they may or may not like, and then total boredom, or getting in trouble, which is at least a little less boring.

Let me suggest a few books that you will find invaluable over the next several years. Dr. Harvey Karp's THE HAPPIEST TODDLER ON THE BLOCK, Faber and Mazlish's HOW TO TALK SO KIDS WILL LISTEN, AND LISTEN SO KIDS WILL TALK, and John Gottman's RAISING AN EMOTIONALLY INTELLIGENT CHILD. I have watched the empathetic parenting taught in these resources transform family life for several young parents of problem children.

J.,

For a 2 1/2 year old, listen, means hear. You think that when you say "listen to Mommy" he understands what you want, but he does not. You really don't want him to listen, you want him to do what you say!

Try this. Tell him what to do instead of what to stop doing. Put your feet on floor, instea of Stop kicking. Quiet voice instead of don't yell. Developmentally, they are better able to do what you say to do than to make a bunch of adult judgements and interpret what you said. Say with you mean, and mean what you say, because all these processing skills are imature and just developing and he is practicing. Remember, he is totally in the here and now, and everything is concrete to him.

If he embarrases you in restaruants, then don't take him for a while. Every two and a half year old child is not able to handle sitting and being quiet in a red lobster for that long.

I would ask you a question too, how often does he say "don't say that bad word" ? Does he always say that same phrase or does he paraphrase? Is he always talking about something you said, or does he just say this one phrase?

M.

First of all if your son is not ready for restaurant, try not to take him. If you must bring him, take along a few small toys like cars or books or crayons. If you ask your son to do something such as clean up and he says no, then he is stuck. He cannot move on until he cleans (if it is a large mess feel free to help. I would hope someone would he me clean a big mess). It is his choice. No arguing. Just explain that until X is done he cannot move onto Y and you will wait.

B. Davis

http://www.ChildAndFamilyCoaching.com
Because nothing is more important than family

Hi. Toddlers are frustrating. They don't *get* stuff like that much at all at their age. Many of my friends talked about cars smashing them and doing the hand gestures like a bug being smashed. That seemed to help understanding.

In these safety issues, I don't think that it's necessary that your little one agree with what you're doing. Just go ahead and do it. Make it happen. When he gets older, he'll get it but for now, he has parents that will keep him safe in his best interest.

I have a very idependent child. I look at his not cooperating as him telling me that he doesn't want to do something. (duh) So, then I ask questions and figure out why. We address that and everyone's happy. With a little practice it doesn't take long at all and is actually quicker than trying to win an argument with a two year old. You still get him to do what he needs to do and you keep everyone from being mad at each other. To me, that's what family is all about.

You can look at it as a little one who will always follow orders will become a teen that will go along with whatever their friends are doing. I DON'T want that. I want a kid who will remember his values and make right decisions, not necessarily popular ones. I want a kid that can think for himself.

So, as a toddler, we begin this process by helping him decide that something is okay to do. By addressing his resistance, by making it fun (Playful Parenting by Cohen is great) or by talking at his level (How to Talk, as mentioned below).

Instead of expecing an obedient child that will do what he's told -- even though you are telling him great stuff. Focus on raising a cooperative child. When you get agreement for cooperating, you are doing two things. You are showing problem solving and this is something that will benefit him his whole entire life. You are also strengthening his trust in your family and building stronger bonds. I think that's what family is all about.

As he gets older he will more and more get why things are the way they are. The negotiations will diminish - I've seen this over and over and over. AND you'll have been teaching your son lessons in care, respect and cooperation along the way. He will have learned critical thinking instead of obedience.

Thanks for posting this.. I don't mean to hijack your post...but we are going through the exact same thing...I just got done telling my hubby..."He just doesn't seem to 'follow directions' (my words) or listen to us. I am at a total lost for ideas at this point..I've tried everything time out, even a swat here and there (and I'm not for spanking), takin' things away, removing him from the situation and the list goes on...I'm eager to see what other moms suggests.

If at the very least I hope knowing you're not the only one with a 2.5 yr that doesn't listen...I'm hoping it gets better or I might loose it :)

This made me laugh! My 3 yo says the EXACT same thing when I tell him not to do something. "Stop saying those bad words!", I think it is funny that they assocate "no" with a bad word. :)

As far as him letting go of your hand, my kid used to try to do this too, so the more he tried to pull away, the tighter my grip would get. When he would say "ouch", I'd simply remind him that I am NOT letting go, so if he doesn't want it to hurt, then DON"T try to get away!!!!!

First welcome to life with a two year old!

Second, you need to figure out what "punishment" you can use that will get your child to do what you need him to do. This is different for every child, and you will use it just a little for the big things. I have two "non-debatable" rules -- "high five" and "pass me your eyes." When I call "high five" you MUST come to me. When me son was little I would take him to the park (small completely fenced), and five minutes in I would call high five. (I explained the rule before we went and had him say it out loud "high five means come to mommy.") He didn't come. I would catch him and take him right home to his room, and tell we would try again tomorrow. We did this for a week. I was exhausted. A couple years later and it still works. Other parents have been impressed at how I can get him to leave his friends and other exciting things with this command. I have to be careful where I use it. He would love for me to use it at the doctor's office, or some other place that we wants to leave. :-)

My daughter once threw a tantrum in the Target. She was 4 or 5. It surprised my husband and I because she never did this type of thing. I took her to the car and my husband finished the shopping. While in the car, she got so worked up and mad that she threw he sandles at me. I drove the car to a near by trash can and threw the shoes away. I told her if she was going to throw things at her mother, she was going to lose things. She had no right to treat me that way. She was so surprised and upset about losing her sandles she never did anything like that again. She is now a pre-teen and I get attitude some times now. I just reminder her of that day, and she backs down. It only took laying down the law with her once.

My son loves his trains, so when he misbehaves his trains are taken away for a few days.

We also use positive rewards for things that are ongoing problems, not once in awhile big issues, like the parking lot. I have a treasure box of things I buy onsale from amazon off the kids wish lists. When we go places I will tell them what behavior I am concerned about and what I want them to do. They do it, when we get home, they get a treasure. They don't, no treasure. If they really bother me they go to their room. Their rooms are nice and have plenty of stuff to do, but the idea that I don't want to be with them lets them know I am not happy. It works with my kids.

I also use regular time outs for bad behavior around the house -- hitting, throwing things (like balls in the house) etc.

Best of luck, but put down your foot sooner rather than later, it gets harder the longer you let it go.