we have our 18 yr. old nephew living with us, I suppose he's been here now about 3mo. I have had a hard time with this situation. He came from a very different up bringing then our own kids. He lost his father unexpectingly in 2006 and mother pretty much had him under her thumb always. He has 2 older siblings and they both left home at the age of 17. The mother has not alowed for him to work, get his liscence, have friends over to the house or for him to leave to vist his friends. So growing up he has had to lie, sneaky out of the house to do things all though he knew he would get yelled at and punished. Mother has an addiction to pain medication and passes out on the couch and we believe she has a learning disability (but managed to have 3 kids!!).
Well, last December we offered to have him move in with us if the mother would withdrawl him from school so we could enroll him here in our area, but she wouldn't have that. We later the following yr. find out she withdrew him from school to get his GED and he got sworn in into the Army!!! Which we now find out by him that he did it as a way out.
My problem is: We have 5 children of our own, one income (other family members do not contribute to helping). The young man has problems lying, being responsible, being trust wrothy, smokes, is sexualy active already, drinks,only wants to sit in front of MY COMPUTER all day on his Myspace, OR play video games!!! He is driving me nutts, with his awful habits!! (the sex, drinking and smoking had been made very clear that he can not do them while he is living in our home, but he manages to lie about the smoking to my face!) We found him a job because he needs to be busy, so he does not get in trouble with the sex and drinking.
One of my big issues now is how do I get him to be responsible!!! He is told to take out trash and at the moment says ok, but it never gets done. He is told no computer after 10pm, but when we are not looking he gets on,although he knows he will have it taken away the next day. He only thinks of himself (which I know at this age it's typical behavior), but we have 5 other children who are watching his every move. OH, yes, How could I forget this he has ADHD!! now he is 18yrs.old but acts like a 12yr. if we don't wake him up to go to work he will miss his ride ( rememeber his mother has not allowed for him to get his liscence so he does not have one or have a car, we got him a job with our next door neighbor who gives him a ride every morning), I just don't know how much discipline is to much for his age (if that's even relevant here), I just don't know what to do with him! He is driving me nutts by putting me in a situation where I have to always discipline all the time! what should I do here?? Any advice?? Please?
Ok...make him go to the Army. Some people have to learn for them selves. You dont need him around your children.
Oh and this is very offensive for us with family members and loved ones with learning disablilities "we believe she has a learning disability (but managed to have 3 kids!!)." people with learning disablilites sometimes make great mothers.
You need to let go...you can control him. Give him a week to get out of your house.
E., I know you want to help your nephew, but you can't sacrifice your own kids to do that. Your nephew is setting a bad example for them, and that should not be tolerated. Where is your husband in all this? Have him step in and help resolve the situation. And where is the mother? Is she still controlling the nephew? If so, it's time he woke up and smelled the coffee. He's really got to face reality.
I would sit down and have a serious talk with your nephew and anybody else involved - your husband and his mother. If your husband would do it, I would have him talk to the boy about sex and how even with condoms it's best saved for marriage and when you actually want kids. Lay down the rules very clearly and establish consequences for violating them. He may have to leave your house if he can't live by the rules. Don't waver - you don't want to pull down your own household with his nonsense. Help him if he wants to get ahead, like helping him with his license, but if he doesn't want to be responsible you can't make him. Not wanting to and not knowing how to are 2 different things, of course. If he doesn't know he can be taught.
I don't know your religious beliefs, but I believe a good Bible-believing church could help you out with this. He could benefit from counseling -whether church-based or outside - to help him recover from the skewed life his mom handed him. Good luck with all of this!
My heart goes out to you, E.. I have 2 children that are 20 and 22, and these late teen/early 20 years can be so difficult. You could have raised that boy yourself in a loving stable home, and he could still be experiencing the same problems. You may be the only chance he gets to get some real help.
Yes, you need to protect your children as much as possible.They need to see you "stick to your guns"like you are, and be as consistent as possible. They also need to see that you can love this boy, even when he does the wrong thing. Professional counceling could be very helpful for him, both emotionally and possible medically.I have prayed over and over again, that my children be surrounded by Godly people.Is there any young people that you know that could spend some time with him and be a good influence?
Never give up, friend. I wish you the best of luck !!!The life of one child is worth it!!
Ooh, what a mess! Unfortunately, you can't re-raise him. The most that you can do is to establish the rules of the house and have consequences for following and not following them. Because you did not raise him, there is very little that you can do at this point, but you CAN keep peace in your home.
Deny him access to your computer. Set a password, and make everyone come to you to let them on. Inconvenient, but it gets your point across. No chores results in no privileges. You can't keep him from smoking or having sex. If you suspect any of it in your house, enforce some consequences. Take away his key to the house. Set an alarm to wake him for work. If he misses it, then he loses his job. Make sure that he knows that he can't live there if he is not working. Do not let him eat. Sit him down and explain these rules to him, along with the consequences. It would certainly hurt for it to come to this, but you just might have to kick him out at some point, for the sake of your own peace and your family structure. Your oblilgation is to your husband and children. Anyone who comes into your home should be expected to abide by whatever rules you have for your home. You set them for a reason.
