How Can I Get My Child to Listen to Me?

I strongly recommend reading "How to Talk so Kids will Listen, and Listen so Kids will Talk" by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. Great advice, easy to understand (works for adults, too!).

How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk is excellent, definitely give it a read if you haven't before.

My youngest is a little more challenging than my oldest so I just picked up a copy of "The Kazdin Method for Parenting your Defiant Child". I'm only a few chapters in, but it seems like good advice since it is all based on tested scientific research by someone with years of experience in the field of child behavior. He also gives specific case studies.

Main premise is positive reinforcement is the strongest changer of behavior- so you have to catch your child doing something right and re-inforce (with specific not generic praise, high five, whatever).

Per book, nagging is counter-productive because it re-inforces (gives attention) to undesired behaviour (not listening the first time). And nagging can also lead the child to deliberately ignoring or withdrawing from parent (because most people want to withdraw when someone is angry or yelling or annoyed).

Anyways, I know positive re-inforcement works, just never thought to apply it in specific cases. "Good job listening the first time, etc.". (I haven't gotten to the punishment chapter yet.) We'll see how it goes! . Good luck!

It's interesting to watch how different people approach parenting. My sister is 2 years older than me, just had her second child, and apparently has done no disciplining of her 2 year-old to this point. Introducing the new baby isn't going well, and they're trying to rationalize with a strong-willed, jealous child.

I give you a lot of credit for being willing to ask for advice and to acknowledge that you've allowed it to get to this point.

I'm very authoritative by nature, it's how I grew-up, and it was instinctive with my kids who are 2 and 4. We have our share of temper tantrums and meltdowns, but at the end of the day, we are the ones who get to call the shots.

My best advice is to sit her down, tell her things are going to change. Establish what your goals are, how you expect to accomplish them with her, what you expect of her in return, and where you're going to lay down the law.

The most important thing is to be consistent and to follow-through on your demands. If she doesn't stick to the rules, pick and effective punishment and follow-through. We've watched family and friends struggle with that part - they're so afraid of their child not liking them, they forget that they are the parent, and they get to establish the rules.

You can find 100 blogs today that talk about how lax parenting has created young professionals completely unprepared to deal with certain situations.

I truly believe our job, as parents, is to prepare our children for being independent as adults, and it seems you have this desire to make your daughter the best she can be.

Good luck!

For a typical kid, I would say post a list of rules and let her know the consequences of breaking O. then implement the consequence after O. warning. (Hit her where it hurts--you know--electronics: computer time, Wii, cel phone, etc).
BUT have you ever heard of ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder)?

You are not sad and pathetic. You didn't know any better... Now you do. At 10, I started that "being rotten because I know I can" phase. Also, I started my period at 10, so I was on the hormonal rollercoaster as well.

I just started a new thing in my home with my 7yr old daughter. I think she's going through some hormonal changes right now (we were all early starters in my family). So, she started helping me with chores to earn things. We started with her putting her laundry away. I don't mind folding. But she is now responsible for putting it away in the proper places. It helps to keep her focused. Also, I will say something like, "Honey, can you please straighten up the livingroom while I go and vacuum the back porch?" If she refuses to help, all the things she refuses to pick up gets put in a bag and she has to earn everything back in steps. But telling her that I'm also working, just in another room, tells her that I'm not asking her to do anything that I wouldn't do myself. She also helps me change her bed and put laundry in the washer. I don't expect her to do all of that on her own, but she is learning how to be responsible for things. I'm not a yeller or a spanker. Neither is my husband. When she starts screaming at me like a teenager, I simply say, "I'm not talking to you like that. Please respect me and talk to me the right way."

She'll tell you all day that you're mean, but I can certainly tell you... My daughter prefers to being with my husband and I than at her dad and stepmom's house... She doesn't get consistancy there that she does in my home. Stay consistant and follow through. That's the best advice I'd ever gotten.

Good luck. Girls are fun. : )

When you tell her to do something or speak to her, have her say "yes maam" so she ACKNOWLEDGES the fact that she hears you and understands what you want.

And set some ground rules. Come up with some punishments for misbehavior and disobedience. AND STICK TO THEM!

S.,

The answer here is very simple. Take control and be the parent. Correct your parenting mistakes. No one else can do it for you and the problem is not going to magically go away. Who is the parent here, the person in charge, you or the 10 year old? Your job is not to be nice, it's to prepare her for the world that she'll live in - she'll probably live 75% of her life as an adult and it is your job to get her ready. You don't need to be her friend, you need to be her mom - you have time to be "friends" in 20 years. You need to do better than "trying" to punish her. You are wimping out. There is nothing stopping you from instilling discipline, rules, punishment and consequences, except YOU. You need to be consistent and decide that you want to be a mother, rather than a friend. .Get friends your own age. You get her to listen by being an authority. I think you already know this. There is no easy way out, no magic button.

you didn't say how old your daughter is. However, I second the book already mentioned.

I have a very stubborn child and I remind myself that my goal is to raise an adult that is adept at decision making, not to raise an adult that is an automatic direction follower. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't want a teen like that in any way!

To get there, one thing I do a LOT of is to use negotiation skills. First I really listen to find out what the "push back" is. Then I say something like "you want X because of <blah>. I want Y because of <blah>. Let's figure out what to do."

It may take a few minutes and not be as easy as total obedience, but it is WAY easier than trying to force your will onto a continually growing child. You may win this one, but they figure out how to even the score in another way. This is NOT what I want to be teaching about family.

I want to be teaching that family is togetherness and help and support. Family is a team even though we are all following rules and principles, we can HELP each other and show love - even with different opinions and needs.

A good start is the Faber book. Jane Nelsen is also good with strategies for older chldren. She has TONS of books available in the library and also a website with a message board.

good luck! Since what you're trying isn't working, try a different approach that addresses things from a different angle. It may seem "weird" at first, but it won't be long until you notice a good difference.

fix it now i have a 15 yr old girl it get worse. Take stuff away it will be hard but worth it. Society is ruining our kids.

Hi S.!
Raising kids the toughest job you will ever have! It can also be the most rewarding! Lots of people struggle with it, in fact I think everyone does at some point. Also, it isn't something you can do once and then it's done. It's like cutting the grass (or doing dishes or laundry!) It needs to be done continually or it gets out of hand! I think you are seeing that now. You have to keep in mind that a) You are not supposed to be "nice." You are supposed to be raising a responsible person. b) You need to have guidelines for your daughter as much as she needs them also. And the hardest one, You MUST stick to your guns! Once you have stated a rule, and it's consaquences if broken, you must stand firm. No matter how much whining and complaning. No matter what she says. She needs to learn now, before it really gets out of control! She also needs to be praised when she does the right thing. Everyone likes to be told they did a good job! So make sure she is rewarded for making positive changes. Start small or they will only get bigger and bigger and that's another problem! Words of encouragment are great for individual tasks. Then maybe take her out for ice cream or a manicure after a few weeks of really good behavior. You can also start an allowance type system. She can earn points for every day of good behavior. Once she has a certain amount she can trade them in for what ever prize you feel is appropriate. (Money is good, because it also teaches kids how to start budgeting. Another important skill!) These are just some ideas I hope you can get a good start from them. Good luck, Stand firm! And of course, Let us all know what happens or if you need anything else!

I would get professional help from a therapist. It is important to learn effective positive skills, especially at your daughter's age. You don't want to mess around with trial and error at this point.

Make rules, discuss the rules with her, have her decide on the punishment for not following the rules, and then stick with it. Don't be wishy washy when it comes time to punishing. The flip side is to praise her when she does something you want her to do.

My children always joke that I never yelled or hit them ever. I'm just not a yeller and thought it would be odd to teach your children that it's not nice to hit other people while spanking them. But they knew what was expected of them and knew what would happen if they didn't tow the line. Clear respectful communication so everyone knew what was going to happen.

Pssst you are SUPPOSED to be MEAN!! My kids called me mean and I said thanks, Im proud of it. She needs discipline, kids crave it. They will escalate behavior until they are made to do the right thing. Sit her down and explain that the party is over. From now on she will have to follow certain rules or certain punishments will given. Write the rules with her and also the consequences. Make sure you give a good consequence if she has followed the rules for a week or so.