My mom and her neighbor (who I was a nanny for 4 years for) are heading up a local program called Project HOMES (Honoring of Military Excellence in Southern Maryland). My mom is also a college professor and has one of her classes highly involved in this effort. So are countless schools, companies, fire departments, police departments, churches, museums, etc in the area.
A local news station put an article online about the project that my mom's class is doing (their portion of it) and my mom's neighbor is now not speaking to her because her information was not all over the article. She also commented on the story saying a big thanks to the school where her kids go. She emailed my mom to tell her it was ridiculous that she was not recognized in the article and now she doesn't want to be a part of it anymore. Really?? My mom is 53 and my mom's neighbor is 47, it's not like they are 15.
My mom wanted to do this because my brother LOVED receiving things from home when he was here. Even if it was an empty coffee cup from a local gas station. It reminded him and his buddies of HOME. She knows what it is like to be a mom of a soldier who doesn't get to eat for days straight, has many physical and mental issues from his time at war, and wants to help make the lives of the soldiers a little easier. My mom had NO control over the editing that was done and specifically asked them to keep all informaiton in there. They didn't.
Would you (as the friend) be so upset that your name wasn't in the article?
My mom sent the information in through the school to put to the local paper. She had both of their information in there as far as who to contact. The school or paper took it out, not my mom. And yes, my mom would be upset, but not to the point that this lady is.
Also, her kids go to a private school and apparently the school complained that they were not mentioned in there either. My kids school is not complaining, our church is not complaining, my company is not complaining, nor is anyone else that I know. Who does something for our troops and then complains that they don't get recognized in an article?
I think other information will have her name IF she wants to be a part of it, but I am pretty sure she doesn't anymore.
@ Peg M. Good and valid points. My mom did apologize first that her name was take off. She knew some other things were removed prior to print, and told her friend about them...but it was out of both of their control. My mom did tell her she would request again for her information to be in the next release, but that they need to keep their eyes and efforts on the program. But those are good points. Thanks!
Nope. I don't do nice things for the pat on the back, I do nice things because I like helping people. I get satisfaction in knowing *I* did it, I don't care if the rest of the world knows it or not :)
You can contact the paper and ask them to make a correction. But still, it also kinda shows that this woman is not part of the organization out of the goodness of her heart.
I'm from a communications background and have worked for a magazine and a newspaper. Of course your mother had no control over what was included in the article and what was not. Newspapers have limited space and they obviously try to find the most interesting and news-worthy pieces of the story to include. The most interesting part IS that your mother's class was involved. People love hearing about college students giving back. Many of us already know that churches do a lot for our soldiers; but to hear young people getting involved civically is a feel-good angle to a story and that's why the paper went with it.
It's really as simple as that. Although it's nice to be recognized publicly, it kind of takes away from your effort if you are nasty about not being held up in front of everyone for a thank you. Just my opinion.
Your mom's friend needs a time out! :p
I agree with Rachel D. I do not do it for recognition, I do things from my heart. Many times anonymously.
Anyone who has ever been interviewed by the press knows that , they go in there with an idea of what they want. Yes, I am sure your mom included her neighbor as a major helper, but the reporter probably wanted to focus on the "Professor and her students." Could even have been edited by the head editor.
Your mom did mention her? If so she has nothing to feel bad about. She knows in her heart she acknowledged that woman. It was out of your moms hands what got published.
The neighbor is being immature. She needs to get over herself.
Sounds like the private school's PR person needs to get out and earn his/her own lunch instead of trying to piggy back on the success of the university communication's team hard work.
It is not easy to "get something in the paper." it takes time and dedication and great relationships. The fact the university worked their own angle (I am assuming that is what you meant, mom prepped piece and university pitched it, etc) is their perogative. ANd your mother is absolutely correct - it is not her decision how the reporter writes it and edits it.
I'd show my friend the release or information shared with university and encourage her to use it with her own school to help them get their kudos.
Uh...the friend is being childish.
I believe the bible suggests we do good anonymously.
Now your mom knows her friend's true motivation--self promotion.
Good riddance to bad rubbish. I'm sure there are lots of people that will help with the project who are motivated from the right place--their heart.
Let her put the shoe on the other foot. If she want's recognition, then she should go fight the war in the middle east and then come and WAH. Doing things for other people or volunteer work is NOT ABOUT RECONGNITION... But if your mom doesn't want to lose a friend have her (or you) go online and print some kind of award out & frame it for her, maybe that will be enough?
First, good for your mom and her class! What an awesome project!!
Just had a conversation about this yesterday with a friend.
Personally I do things because it's the right thing to do not for the accolades. And in all honesty, try to avoid the spotlight.
IMHO, true philanthropy is about the act not the pat on the back or TV spot.
If your heart is in the right place you will not care if you get recognition or not, you do it because you believe, love and support that program that you work with. Sure it is nice to get recognition but it should never be expected or requested. I understand wanting a mention, it feels great BUT this other lady needs to accept it and either stop doing it if she can not or do it for the love of what they do.
You can submit info to a newspaper but they will use that info to what they see fits best. They do not always use everything, sometimes gets things wrong and other times they can use it all and even add more through their own research. It really depends on what the newspaper wants to turn it into, focus on the kids, soliders, school and so on, they then will use any info they think best fits with whatever angle they chose.
Since the neighbor is 'co-head', I could see where she is a bit upset. If the reverse occurred, your mom would be a bit upset also. The key here is did your mom mention that the neighbor was also in charge and her name was editted out, or was she not mentioned at all.
Since there will most likely be other followup stories, you mom could make the friend in charge of all media relations. That might appease her.
It would NOT stop me from being part of the program. That part is being selfish. The soldiers that the program is honoring don't ask to be recognized in the paper. Just recognized and thanked.
As Toby Keith says 'you don't do it for the glory'
Unfortunately, how a person "should" feel or what a person's motives "should" be only sometimes connect in the real world. The fact of the matter is that friend felt angry and upset when she learned that her efforts (which might have been considerable) were not mentioned.
Rather than say it's wrong of her to be upset, it might have been more helpful to acknowledge her feelings (we all have 'em whether they're "right" or not), and sympathize, perhaps even express surprise or dismay. Maybe that's what happened, but it sounds like this woman didn't get that message. I'm wondering whether, when your mom heard her friend's anger, she didn't pause to acknowledge her distress but went immediately into defending herself and the editing. That would be a normal human response under these circumstances, and yet that's really not much "nobler" than feeling bad over a lack of recognition.
It might still be worth offering some concerned sympathy about a percieved unfairness (again, if she already did), and tell the friend that her contributions were essential and will be missed.
Clearly her heart is not in it for the right reasons - just the glory!
Show her this link to mamapedia if it gives her perspective then great, if not then she was only doing it for herself and not being selfless. We can't control the actions of the media, the space allowed by a paper. If all newspapers put in every single aspect of a story and always got it right, we would have books delivered to our front door daily and make it no longer financially feasible to do. There are space constraints and editors that put their hands in the mix so advertising can be done. If someone feels the need to blow their own horn about what they did, they need to contact the paper themselves and do their own article and see how it gets changed or write their own biography and sell it.
I do things for others because I love to help, not because I expect anything including gratitude, an atta girl, or advertising for my business or institution. Too many in this world are like your neighbor and that is why we are in such a bad shape.
It hurts when I'm doing something with another person and they get the credit for it and I don't.
That's just basic.
I mean, if someone was telling my husband what a great kid our son is, and that he must be a wonderful parent, I'd want to spit nails. Grand total in hours (only in hours) my husband has spent about 2.5 month's worth of time with our son over the past 9 years, and most of those hours were regrettable.
Recognition is NOT why I parent, or do anything else, but it durn sure hurts when someone else gets praised for MY work.
But no, I certainly wouldn't QUIT doing what I was doing because someone else got the credit for it. But I wouldn't be happy about it. As far as NEWSPAPERS go??? Ha. Like the other person has ANY say in what the writer or their editor decide to publish.
Hi, Mom:
If the neighbor is that upset and your
mom hasn't been able to make things right
with her friend, then let it go.
Just a thought.
D.
I think you should do good things out of the kindness of your heart & not in the hopes of getting a pat on the back or recognition. If you get attention for it, awesome, if not, you know that you did something good for someone else, and that's all that matters.
Your mother's friend is being a poor sport & taking something that is wonderful & diminishing it for your mother. The "friend" sounds like her true colors are showing & I'd be reevaluating my relationship with this person, personally.
Tell your mom to give her neighbor the copy she gave the paper first, the one with the neighbors name on it. That way the woman will see that she tried.
If she still is ugly to your mom, then she wasnt a real friend in the first palce and your mom shouldn't worry about it anymore. The things that she is getting done to help the service men are what this is about. Not the people who are doing it.
If that was my friend, I don't think I would want to be her friend anymore after seeing this side of her. Tell your mom I said it.
