What Is Required to Be a Good and Successful Mother?

I was going to answer based on the title question, a steady supply of alcohol. That would be a joke if you don't know me.

If you ask my older two what the feel they had that their younger sibs don't have is me. Like the times I would just drop by their school with pizzas for everyone much to the principle's dismay. :) That and I yelled less, apparently stress makes me yell more. :(

They don't really remember when they were upset. Although they were mad at me from time to time they don't remember that either.

In my honest opinion, to be a successful parent one needs to have an amazing sense of humor and have the ability to recognize the small stuff and then not sweat it.

"You've got to laugh. It's the way to true love". --John Travolta---the movie Michael.

Peace.

Heart, patience and Love. I have found that you can only try to be the best half the time. I have learned to cut myself alot of slack. I promised myself I was going to be the mom in their life that cheered them on through anything. Kids dont need you to be their model for entertainment. Let the tantrums roll off your back. Walk away and pick up that book. That is the best time to do so. your 3 year old is just trying to get a rise out of you. The more you ignore it the less it will happen.

As for making sure they eat right. You can only do with what you have at home. Make sure you dont buy the junk. That way you can never fail in this department.

It sounds like you are doing a great job. Being mom is not easy and can sometimes seem very unrewarding. Just know though the rewards do come. In the shape of them crawling, walking, talking, losing their first tooth and learning to ride a bike.

There is no code to being a good mom. It is just being who you are and trying. Sometimes you will do wonders. Sometimes you have to fall flat on your face. Alot of the time you are gonna wonder if youre doing it well enough. Know though there is not anyone better to do your mommy duties then you!!

Dont be so h*** o* yourself:) embrace your great points and work on the things you feel are lacking.

Love-patience-time-laughter and knowing that it's completely okay to serve reheated pizza and a "side salad" for dinner once in a while and that the world will not end if the dishes aren't done.

Balance... still looking for that one. Reflection on what you have accomplished with your children, especially on those really tough days.

Unconditional love!

That's it!

~It sounds like you are doing a wonderful job! Don't worry too much about this..we have ALL been where you are and have questioned our abilities to be a 'Good Mom'!

I think in part the fact that you worry about this MAKES you successful, just so long as you don't take the worry too far.

Taking a little time for you is needed or your gas tank will be empty. Reading is wonderful to see, not just to hear. Your kids will value books more when they see you caring for them. Taking time to learn and grow mentally will help you have more knowledge to impart.

Tantrums are normal. This phase will pass. Just hang in there. When they are in good moods have tons of fun with them. It sounds like you are doing a good job.

The fact that you are writing this and that you care makes you a good and successful mother! Don't sweat it...being a mom is not easy but chances are all your kids will remember is the time you spent with them :) And don't worry about taking some time for yourself, it will make the time you spend with your kids happier! You are a SAHM and I give you all the credit in the world, you need a mommy break every now and then.

I think what's required is the desire to do your best. You will always think of something you could have done, or should have done, or wish you had done differently. But it's clear from your post that you try hard to be a good mom, and you care about how your kids turn out. Guess what? They will be fine, and you're doing a great job! Relax, mama! (And don't feel guilty about taking some time to do what you need/want to do. Happy mama = happy kids!)

wow....at first I wanted to answer with a one-liner....but after reading the other responses, a whole lot more jumps out at me!

1. spontaneity.....don't be so structured that you miss the opportunity for it.

2. constant & consistent discipline. Without it, you will have a nightmare on your hands. Try the "1-2-3 Magic" video to learn how to curb those tantrums.

3. LOVE, not necessarily unconditional, though! Be very aware that your children will use every method possible to manipulate you! Also be very aware that your child may just be the one at fault.... Many parents equate unconditional love with a belief that their child is infallible. NOPE, sorry, Moms.....it rarely happens!

4. take time to be silly...insanely silly. This is different from spontaneity!

5. know your own limits & let your kids see you "hit the wall" & recover from it. Always confess your own issues! Don't hide them....make it a learning lesson for all involved. (well, as long as it's age/content-appropriate.)

There's a whole lot more....but I think the reward is when you get a voluntary hug....fully in front of friends.....& your kid is 14 or 23! & then there is that quick, big smile from your child- at all ages.....that's all the reward I need!

You are a good mom! I worry about the same thing--all good mothers do! If you ever need a pick-me-up, just read the news. Every day you can read stories about parents not doing things in the best interest of their children--a mom who drives her kids into the Hudson, a dad who leaves his toddler in the car so he can go to the dog track, a mom who gives birth and leaves her baby in the commode. That should make your worries go away:)

Love them and be in the moment. It's tough as we always worry about what's next or anticipate the next tantrum or problem. Try to slow down and enjoy playing and being silly and let the stuff go they don't care about - like cleaning : ). Let them have fun and dress themselves (no matter how unmatched!). Build their self esteem by showing respect to them, while providing limits to keep them safe. AND just as important, take and make time for you to find some peace and recharge. You can't take care of others well unless you are also well taken care of. It's tough, and I know I feel guilty too, but it's true... I keep reminding myself that time for me is "ok". You sound like you are doing a great job, just give yourself a break and learn to relax and enjoy the little stuff - they know you love them : )

One thing that helps with good mothering is having had good mothering ourselves – those of us who didn't are at a disadvantage. I grew up knowing I never wanted to be a mom like my mother, and for many years I assumed I would never have kids because my upbringing was so dysfunctional. I knew what I didn't want, but didn't have any clear ideas about what good mothering would look like.

Even if our own upbringing was good, there's always room for new understandings. Fortunately, there are many wonderful parenting books to help teach the basics, if needed, and to fill in the gaps. They were my constant companions when I raised my daughter, and though the job I did was certainly far from perfect, it was a huge improvement over the way I was raised.

Now my daughter is doing an admirable job, and improving on my mistakes. I wonder if I'll be around to see how good a parent her 5yo son will become.

Here's a list of my favorite parenting books and websites to date:

Caring for Your Baby and Young Child, Revised Edition: Birth to age 5. Produced by The American Academy of Pediatrics, this is an authoritative source for understanding a baby's needs and development.

Parenting Without Power Struggles by Susan Stiffelman, which is appropriately subtitled 'Raising Joyful, Resilient Kids While Staying Cool, Calm and Connected.

Playful Parenting by Lawrence J. Cohen, PhD.,

I've also heard glowing recommendations for a book I haven't read yet: Raising Your Spirited Child: A Guide for Parents Whose Child Is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, and Energetic by Mary Kurcinka.

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish. My all-time favorite.

The Happiest Toddler on the Block, by Dr. Harvey Karp. You can also watch a few quick videos about his approach: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fJ1428uYs2g&NR=1&a.... . He demonstrates exactly how he "speaks" the toddler's language so they know he's heard the need they are expressing. This calms them and makes it easier for them to cooperate.

The Science of Parenting – based on studies by brain researchers measuring the effect of different parenting techniques.

Also the book Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child by John Gottman, and the concept of Emotion Coaching, another term you can google for lots of useful information. (Here's one good link to get you started: http://www.education.com/reference/article/important-pare... .)

Nurture Shock, New Thinking About Children, by Po Bronson & Ashley Merryman, a surprising exploration of why so much of what we believe about raising kids is just plain wrong. Also, two articles based on the research in that book: How NOT to Talk to Kids, http://nymag.com/news/features/27840/ and LYING & ARGUING: http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=1122...

http://www.askdrsears.com/html/10/t130100.asp – attachment parenting, morality and discipline, tips and techniques

A couple more recommended by a woman whose wisdom I trust:

Taking Charge: Loving Discipline that Works at Home and In School" by Joanne Nordling. Helps you understand when your son is being 'disrespectful' and when he's just needing to blow off steam and vent. This book also provides corrections for misbehaviors that require us to find out where that behavior is coming from, and these corrections are logical and not punitive. In short, we are treating the cause as well as the effect. Another: Bruno Bettelheim's "A Good Enough Parent".

I didn't read your other responses, but from what you've relayed you are already a great mom!! Sounds like the mommy guilt; I think every mom has it at some point or another. Couple things to keep in mind, though; live in the present, make laughter and light-heartedness an important part of every day, be silly sometimes (great at diffusing tough situations), forgive yourself when you need some "me" time, take time to chronicle life thru pics/videos/photo books, etc. and stop and really listen and focus when our kids are asking for our attention.

You sound like a fantastic mama! No one tells you that the 3's are WAY harder then the 2's. Just be consistent with whatever discipline you use and when you get the kids in bed at night, pour yourself a glass of wine anc relax.

i agree w/everyone but i've often wondered the same thing you have...then i just finally told myself one day, "I'm a good mom b/c i love him w/all my heart & I TRY to be a good mom". i think that makes all the difference!
i put in effort to be healthy, fun, discipline, etc, i make sure all basic needs are met & i love him w/everything i have! i couldn't be a better mom! (of course i could be but that's b/c i'm human), but y'see what i'm saying. :)
anyway, that's my opinion! :)
you're a good momma bttrfly! :)

Look at it this way Bttrfly, it's like a person that just died and we wished we said everything we needed to say and did everything we needed to do to make that person know we loved them, but in the end, there will ALWAYS be something else we wish we did or could have done.

That said, life has it's ups and downs, you're not perfect and the child/children you are raising are not perfect either. So you do the best you can with what you have, provide the love and attention they need and enough teaching to help them become successful.

It is not how much we DO for them that makes them good, but rather the tools we provide NOW and tools we provide them LATER to help them be the best they can be.

When I was growing up, I believe my mother had the same issues, but as a child we didn't see any of that. All I knew is that even though we were growing up poor (well not poor - let's say not as rich -because we always had enough), we turned out to be in my mind successful in our own way (and not necessarily what society calls successful either).

The one investment that my parents gave us is to have God in our lives and let HIM be the guide to making the best decisions, and to help us as moms to do the right thing for our children. So I say, leave the stresses to him to figure out and get yourself some "me" time.

You are a successful M. already because you brought two beautiful children into the world and being a M. alone is a success. It takes a special person to raise children, and I am sure you are already doing a good job, because you are concerned-that is a good sign. Do not stress it that much (and I am not talking because I haven't stressed about it myself) - it's just easier telling someone else not to do so (lol).

Hope that helps and PS: your 3yr old tantrum is a normal sign you are doing a good job. It shows that you are giving him attention and when he doesn't get it he fusses for it.

Being a good mom doesn't mean giving your children your attention every minute so that they don't learn independence or how to entertain themselves. It's fine for them to know that you have needs and other interests. A toddler having a tantrum does not mean that you've failed as a parent.
I'm at a very different stage of parenting than you are, my kids are turning 12 and 16. To me, being a good parent means giving each what they NEED, even if it is different than what the sibling needs. It also means preparing them for their life after their childhood - taking their education seriously, teaching them responsibility and how to treat other people, not doing things for them that they can do independently.
M.

Oh honey, it sounds like you are a wonderful mother! You're doing all the right things...as long as you truely love them and show them that love, they couldn't ask for anything more.
You NEED to take time for yourself everyday; it'll make you a happier, more relaxed person as well as a better M.. Don't feel guilty about taking a bit of time for yourself!
Unfortunately, three year olds have tantrums (and attitudes, and opinions...) Forget the "terrible twos," it should be the "terrible threes!"
My only advice would be to make sure the girls get to see their daddy as often as possible. I understand that he can't be home much, but he should try to spend a few minutes fully engaged with them when he can.

First of all, you will always feel like there is something more you could do or feel selfish for taking time for yourself, but the fact that you are worried about those things show that you are already a great mom. Don't require perfection from yourself because it is impossible. Unconditional love is all that you need to be the best mom for your kids.

P.S. My daughter turned into a little monster at times when she was three. Hang in there and that will get better.

We all go through those kinds of feelings. I remember when I was dealing with the millionth tantrum (and I've been through 3 kids' worth of them) that I wondered what I was doing wrong. I've since learned that kids have tantrums, and it's not a reflection on our parenting skills (although how we react can be - if you stay calm and let her move on without harping on it afterwards, you're doing fine. If you throw your own fit along side her, well .... that doesn't sound like what you're doing!)

My kids are now 12, 10, and almost 8. So from the wisdom of experience (haha), I can tell you that parenting is a long term thing - you may not see all the benefits of your hard work for years - the most important things for a successful parent are to
1) Be fair, firm, and consistent. Make your rules fair and appropriate to the child (age and personality ... I've had to modify my rules for my high-needs son), make consequences fair, and stick to them. And always remember that the ultimate goal is to teach them to moderate themselves, not just to get immediate obedience.
2) Listen to your kids, and develop a good relationship with them. Play with them on their terms, without your agenda of teaching, regularly. Be someone they like to be with. (This doesn't mean put being friend over being the mom, I've seen that mistake too). As they grow, listening and talking becomes increasingly important.
3) Tell them you love them. Lots. Kids can't hear it too much. Hugs, kisses, etc. Everything you do that shows your love them counts (even cute little designs on lunch bags, whatever).

Really, I'm sure your doing fine. Start now, because when they are 10 or 12, it's a lot harder to develop or change a relationship than to maintain one already developed. Just be fair and firm and loving and you'll be okay.

(Oh, and taking time for you is very essential!!! "If mom ain't happy, ain't no on happy" is the truth. Read a book, watch a show, go out with girlfriends once in a while. You'll be a better mom for it).

there's no specific way to be great mom....we each do it differently
sounds like your doing pretty great already.

and tempertantrums are, unfortunately, going to happen. let your daughter calm down then talk to her. and her tt doesn't mean you've done something wrong (in my experience, they come on because they are getting what they want....regardless that they have everything they need.)

and mom time is important. its healthy to take some "me" time. and don't let anyone make you feel guilty about it. We were people before we were mom's and we still like doing all the same things, even if we don't always have the time for them.

your doing a great job, from the sounds of it. relax, enjoy your family

I think everything you have described sounds like a successful mama to me! Every one of us is going to have our ups and downs. I guess the best rule of thumb to go by is to be the best role model you can be. If you keep having the same problem over and over find ways to solve it through ideas and advice from other moms, friends, family, books and other resources out there. Knowing when to protect our kids and when to step back to let them figure it out on their own is a big piece to the puzzle too. We can't hover and dictate everything and we also can't turn them loose to figure it all out on their own. Stay somewhere in the middle of those two extremes and you should be good to go. Those are my two cents, anyway!
A.