14 answers

Wanting a Divorce, Feeling Selfish.

I have been married for 7 years and have 2 children. My husband and I have been fighting since the night before our wedding. Many, many fights have crossed the line. He is very disrespectful.
I know in my heart that I want a divorce. I don't love him anymore, I don't enjoy his company, I never want to spend time with him. He has a child from a previous marriage, and I find that I can no longer stand to be around his child. The child gives me good reason, I have been reassured of that time and again from anyone who happens to peer into our lives, so please don't bash me for admitting that. It's been difficult for me to come to terms with.
My husband does not want the divorce. I have attempted to leave a few times, and he always begs me to stay and promises this change and that. I no longer the believe the empty promises, and at this point, I wouldn't want him even if he did change. I feel like the damage has been done and there is no going back.
My children, despite being raised in this dramatic environment, are both very happy, loving children. I am so afraid that a divorce will destroy them. I see my stepchild who is so angry and aggressive all the time, and it kills me to think that my own children could turn into that. I don't want to ruin my childrens' lives, but I feel staying in the marriage is an even bigger mistake. They have already mentioned to me that they think Daddy hates me. So, I'm pretty sure that are well aware of what is going on.
I feel lost and torn. I guess any advice or experience of any sort would be appreciated.

What can I do next?

More Answers

Your SS may be angry and _______, but he doesn't have you for a mother, while YOUR kids do.

I can't tell you to stay or leave... I've been balancing on the knife edge of divorce for YEARS... so many factors go into it. I often *wish* I had left when my son was 3, because by now things would be *normal*. He wouldn't have patterned after his father, etc so forth and so on.

My only suggestion is this: Do what you feel is RIGHT, not what you are afraid is wrong. I've never had any regrets doing what is right, even when it's hard. But I've regretted sooooo much of what I have done out of fear.

6 moms found this helpful

Divorce is hard, but staying in a bad relationship is worse, IMO. If there was any salvaging this relationship, I would say to try... but if not then do what you have to. My dad (he had full custody of us) divorced my mom when I was 4... He has remarried and divorced twice since then. I turned out just fine. I think it actually strengthened the relationship I have with my fiance, because I do NOT want the same for myself, and so I refuse to "settle" in my relationship. Also, if you never end a bad relationship, you will never have the chance to find a good one. The main thing is to make sure that your children KNOW that it is not their fault, and never ever talk bad about their father to them. (My mom used to try to turn us against my dad all the time, and it really affected our relationship with HER negatively)

3 moms found this helpful

It seems you have hit rock bottom.
A bad marriage can affect kids just as much as a divorce. In either case... child counseling for your kids... is a GOOD thing to do.
My friend did that. She said it was the BEST thing she did for her kids.
So think about that... it will help your kids in the aftermath... whichever that is... be it from a divorce or just having to live in a bad marriage/household.

I don't know why you both fight as you didn't say that.
But... you have been fighting for 7 years and since the night before your wedding. With no improvement.

Everyone, has a limit to what they can take... or put up with.
And your emotions, are now non-existent for him/the marriage.
That is not good. Probably it adds to the fighting.

Have you tried marriage counseling?
Or at least for yourself.... ? Before you make a concrete decision...

all the best,
Susan

3 moms found this helpful

don't think anymore.. just do it... you can make it a happy home for the kids.. they can see you happy.. just make sure you let them know it's ok to love dad too.. but don't talk about leaving.. just do it.. get your stuff packed.. and do it.... good luck...

3 moms found this helpful

The title of your post is accurate. A divorce is selfish. Always. Every way you slice it.

I struggle with divorce. I understand, however, that there is a time and a place for it.

If your life is truly miserable, and if you truly do not want to put forth the effort (marriages require work from both members), then your decision is made.

The only advice that I think I can give at this point is this. Realize that you have made this decision (own it), and do your best to keep your emotions and temper under control—even if and when your husband might be screaming in your face (in front of your children or not). Your life is about to get really, really complicated. Brace yourself. Try to do it as gracefully as possible.

Pray for patience. You're going to need some.

2 moms found this helpful

C. G. -

Ask your self, really ask your self - is this the way that I want to be treated?

If the answer is no, get out of there. Men need to understand that we had an identity before we became Mrs. His Last Name.

If this is affecting the kids, too. You need to take them out of the situation. Why ruin their life as well as your own. Set a standard, if he meets it, Great. If he doesn't move on and LIVE.

Straight and to the point, but don't get lost in your identitiy!

Also, PRAY. God will get you throught this.

Best of luck.

S H

2 moms found this helpful

Me and my daughter's father were married and I could swear I was reading my marriage in your post. He would lie all the time and was very disrespectful and started being abusive. I grew so much resentment and realized that even if he did change to my perfect man ideal I STILL would not enjoy his company or love him the same way. Of course my daughter was young but even if she was older I still would've divorced him. If you talk openly with your children and explain what is going on and just be there to reassure whatever their feelings are about the whole thing, help them through it, then they should be fine. I think maybe your husbands child is that way because noone did that for her or maybe she was "conditioned" to be that way towards you or your husband (spiteful mother?).

It was sooo hard leaving especially when he would PROMISE he'd change, we went to marriage counseling and he lied to the counselor about things he was doing present-day behind my back (apparently). I left him before and took him back with promises... it's always good for two weeks then back to the same old fighting all the time, him lying about everything small to big, and me wondering why I took him back. You won't ruin your kids' lives, they need to see you happy! After I left my exhusband my daughter was actually happier because I was happier, my mood rubbed off on her. Like I said just talk to them throughout the process.

Please don't stay in an abusive or unhealthy marriage! I look back and am so happy I FINALLY made the decision because there were so many times I see now I should've left but didn't have the strength to leave because I thought for some reason I needed him or I wouldn't be loved by anyone but him even though he made me feel so ugly and worthless (apparently I'm gorgeous by what other people say lol), my self esteem was ruined for a whileee.

Good luck... sorry for the novel ;P

2 moms found this helpful

Do what you feel is right. It is hard to leave a marriage, even a bad one, I know. I stayed and with counseling it worked out for us, so if therapy is an option you could try that, but if you know in your heart that it would not help, or if he is not willing, than you have to do what is best for you. If you leave, get a therapist for your children, it will give them a place to vent and help them with the transition.

2 moms found this helpful

I am a child of divirce and I am fine. I asked my mother not to take my father back because he made her miserable. I was 9 at the time. What makes children angry with divorce is when the parents don't come together for the children. I am reciently divorced and my ex acted a fool for the first 2 years. My daughter was so angry with her father that she rarely talked to him. Now they are fine. He has remarried a wonderful woman and we all get along. I talk to his wife about our daughter more than I talk to him. Divorce doesn't have to be ugly but the adults have to be adults and do what is best for the children. You want to show your children a healthy relationship not a disfunctional one. You know that you are not happy and the children say that daddy hates you so they are probably wondering why are you still there. Show them that you don't have to stay where you are not wanted and that you can make it. Hope this helps

1 mom found this helpful

Ok, well I am coming for the angle that what is going on is abusive, from the sound of your post. Look, if he is putting his hands on you whether or not you divorce get you and the kids out. Any situation where there is physical violence is just not good for anybody, not even him. At least get somewhere safe....do you have family or a friend you could go with while you sort things through? There are shelters for women and children if it comes to it. Divorce is so serious and you are wise to really think long and hard on that point, but having you and your kids somewhere safe is priority, if there is physical violence. I wish you the best and I am sorry you are in a tough spot.

1 mom found this helpful

I think J. C. said it perfectly!

Oh, and if you decide to go through with it, get yourself a good lawyer before you confront your husband about a divorce again. That way, it'll feel more final to you, and you won't back down.

1 mom found this helpful

The disrespect can not be tolerated. If the relationship is that bad, get out for your sanity and your children's. Your husband doesn't want a divorce because, he is confortable and in control of the relationship. If you leave or attempt to, and he talks you into coming back, Think about your children.....

1 mom found this helpful

Have you tried talking to a therapist?

1 mom found this helpful

It does sound like you have reached the point of no return in your relationship with your husband. I imagine that marriage counseling is out of the question for the the two of you at this this point but would like to suggest that you seek out some counseling for yourself and for your kids, just to help you put everything into perspective and help navigate you and your navigate through this transition.

Wishing you the best of luck.

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