Thank you to everyone who responded.
Because children are unpredictable and there was no parent in site, I probably would not have sent my son over there. Rather i would have used that opportunity to model the appropriate behavior for him. Standing up for himself can be as simple as using his words.
Dear J.,
It seems to me that what you are struggling with is boundaries. It is certainly good to teach your 5 year old to stand up for himself. However, perhaps you might want to consider that he needs to learn this gradually.
Both of you were put in an unexpected position,you were both surprised and caught off guard. After the boy pushed your 5 year old, you could see that the unsupervised 3 year old is not the problem, his lack of supervision and training is. At this point YOU would take over because your 5 year old is not supposed to take on this responsibility YET. With your guidance, he will be a wonderfully strong and capable individual.
You have the right to be upset that someone was taking something from your family... but be careful and use wisdom when taking action. The next step would have been to tell your son you were proud of him for trying to do what was right for his family.You would want to tell him this several times,let him be the hero so he can BUILD CONFIDENCE and comfort him, he was just in a battle with a crazy 3 year old. THEN, go find the person whom is supposed to be looking out for the 3 year old, and let her know what happened. Try to keep your emotions in check while talking and remember you have an audience, the kids. You may or may not get the kind of response from the caretaker you want. Unfortunately, many adults aren't teaching the children mutual respect for one another. Because of this attitude, we also must learn to know when and what battle to fight. J., be encouraged,you are on the right track. Hopefully, the caretaker learned something from the incident also. There's more I could say that would be very helpful, but I really have to get ready for my day! Take care and hopefully this really was helpful to you! Sincerely, M. Vargas
I think you did the right thing. I would never want to see my children bullied, but it is not right for an older child to get physical with a younger one...no matter what the circumstances. Do praise your son for not getting physical with the younger boy even though he was being awful.
I think allowing your child to try to take control of the situation was good. You need to let him know that not all kids' parents make them be nice to others and that you are sorry that boy treated him that way. Sometimes we DO still need to "rescue" our kids in a situation such as that. Personally, I think I would have walked over and intervened since that other child was being SO horrible. This is a hard lesson...there will always be some people we/our kids cannot deal with and need to not drop down to their level of behavior and that is what you need to teach your son. You also need to teach him how to stand up for himself if the bullying is by a child his own age. There are lots of good resources you can pick up and most of the schools cover bullying, so he should be getting that information this year or next. So sorry you had this experience...try not to dwell on it, I'm sure your son won't and if he does you need to let him know it's okay and he was right. Take Care!
Dear J..
Look at the situation again for a moment: You asked your son to stand up for himself and then you yelled at the little kid yourself. What did he learn from that? That his mom doesn't know either how to manage the situation. He was looking for you to teach him how to respond - to give him an example how it might work out. A 5 year old is far from ready to know what to do. He needs to be taught. Instead now he may feel confused because you did exactly what you didn't want him to do: be aggressive. On top he may feel hurt by your being angry at him. He tried to do what you asked him to do. He failed in your eyes. But so did you.
You face what most parents face: How to teach our kids non-violent conflict resolution. I think he needs to be told that it was good that he tried. And that it was not his fault that he did not succeed. Perhaps you can tell him that the two of you (with you significant other) will try to figure things out together. If he feels that he has your support he will come to you for advice. If he worries about your being angry at his perceived failure he may not tell you things you want or aught to know in the future - when he get into bigger problems and needs you even more.
Perhaps a question to ask is: why were you angry at him? Was it because you realized that you yourself did not know how to handle the situation (as evidenced by your yelling at the 3-year old) and felt helpless? Helplessness tends to make people angry and defensive.
Having said that, I still understand why you reacted that way. Don't be h*** o* yourself or him. See it as a useful incident that showed you that there is something you and your son can learn together.
I have been there with my son and now with my grandson. On playgrounds I firmly call out to other children, with a firm, loud, - not angry - voice (sounding more like a teacher): "No pushing, no shoving"!! (on the slides for example). I don't worry what other parents will think.
In the sandbox I ask for toys back by walking up to a child a saying firmly but gently: I need our toy back now. And then I take it gently and may say : I am sorry sweetheart.
I googled "how to teach your children to stick up for themselves" and how to teach your child to be assertive. I found several useful articles - that I could have used when we were raising my son.....
Good luck and don't be too h*** o* yourself or your son.
I.
Hi! I think it would have been completely ok for you to go over to help your child - especially after having been shoved & spat on by the younger child. At that point, it was a little much for your son to handle on his own - especially since he was looking to you for guidance.
I think that at that point, your child needed to know that he could count on you for support & protection. Also, it might have been a little beneficial for that other child to have you (an adult) tell him that his behavior was unacceptable & inappropriate & would not be tolerated. Perhaps in language that a small child could understand, but I think it would have been beneficial for all.
Your son did absolutely the right thing. He didn't act agressively back to his aggressor; maybe because he was much younger, maybe because he was shocked by the event. But that was the right thing to do. He sounds like a smart boy and a nice boy, too. You can be proud of him and I would let him know this. This incident can be a learning experience if you can help him understand that not everyone is going to behave in the way we expect them to for so many reasons. Then we have to take a decision about how to act. Not acting violently back was the right behavior, even if it didn't get the cart back at least it didn't aggrevate an already disagreable situation. Take this lesson for yourself, too. What were your expecting of your son? That he spit back? That he forcefully pull the cart away? (possibly hurting the younger kid). Given that the unexpected happened I might have personally intervened more quickly than you did, but how really do we now how we're going to react in such a situation. Use it as a learning experience, that's the best advice I can give.
We let other kids play with our toys at the park all the time. I think you telling the kid to get out of the little car was uncalled for especially when it was just sitting on the side and no one was playing with it. That isn't teaching your son to share. At the end of our park stay then we tell the kids that we are leaving and need it back, but never tell them that it is our and you can't play with it. I think this whole incident would have been avoided if sharing was taught not keep your hands off of my stuff, I'm not sharing.
Wow! I would be very upset, but you handled it well. OF course that child should have been made to apologize as well as the mother, but I would just praise your son for having the self control he had not to push back and in those cases you should step in and protect your son. I cant believe that kid spat on your child....unbelieveable! I would be soooo upset too..... just tell your son he was good and praise him, that's all i can think of....L
It sounds like your son learned a lot that day...about how irrational some kids can be. That can be a good lesson. Independence is good.
I might have done the same thing...or I might have tried to intervene. It's hard to say, not having been there.
I do wonder if you would have handled the situation the same way (and been so bothered/worried) if your child was a girl instead of a boy...if this is your philosphy/feeling about all children or just about boys. It doesn't sound like anything would have done any good in that situation.
Most 5 yo kids have less self-control, are more impulsive, aggressive, tearful etc. Your son just sounded bewildered...I think I would be too, if someone behaved that way with me! Think of it this way: He didn't run away, or cry, right? He stood his ground, but was just unsure what action to take. I think he did well. Also, I really like that he trusted you enough to do what you advised, even though he didn't feel confident that it would help him. I think that is a good sign, both in regard to your relationship with him, and in regard to developing more independence in the future.
BTW: I just read another mom's park incident involving unsupervised young children of about the same age---I had to check if you were in the same city, but you are not.
I think you did a great job of letting him deal with it at his level. At the same time you do not want him to get bullied. I have three children 13 Jacob, 9 Christian,and 6 Abriel. I always taught my kids that there is a way to deal with anyone who is unrational. I tell them to use NICE STRONG WORDS. For example: I am playing with this toy right now and when I am done you may have it. If need be speak with a more stern type voice ,but dont become the victim. It is really sad to see how other parents do not treach thier children to interact kindly. I hope that my example may help you a bit.
Hi J.,
I understand your concern about your son not standing up for himself against a smaller child-- I have a 'gentle giant' myself, and expect he would do the same thing. Now that the situation is past, you might brain storm with him what his options were-- I know a child who screamed, shoved and spat on me would take me aback! So, at a calm moment when you're both fed and rested, talk to him about what he can do (besides relying on you) if something like this happens in the future.
I think I would have done something very similar to what you did.
My only other thought is that our boys need to know that it's okay to walk away when a fight just isn't worth it. It sounds like he already knows how to stick up for himself. He did great. And you did great to make a statement to the other child and to follow up with the other parent.
I wonder what hell that child endures on a daily basis that would make him mean at such a tender age...
I agree with what you did in sending your son to initially talk with the child. However, when the child first responded as he did, I think it would have been better for you to get involved rather than ask your son to continue dealing with him. The behavior from the other child isn't all that unusual at that age. The thing that bothers me most is that there was not a parent close by to supervise him, not only to supervise his behavior, but for his safety. Suppose you had been a person who would have reacted in anger and harmed him for his behavior?... and there are people in this world who would have.
I think when he did not respond to your son the first time, you needed to go over and as gently as possible try to talk him out of the car, while obviously looking for a parent, and even asking him where his mother was(perhaps she would have heard and realized she had best get to doing her job).
It would have been better if you could have handled things without becoming as angry as you did (though I understand that feeling) because you might have been able to talk to the mother in a way that would have made her think more about her responsibilities to her son and to other people. As it is, I imagine she went home thinking you were just a busybody and defending her own actions (or lack of actions) more.
I do applaud you for trying to teach your son to stand up for himself, and for his family, but he also needs to see quickly that you'll step in and stand up for him when things are beyond his abilities, as I believe this child's reaction to him was.
Your son sounds a lot like my daughter, who has a tendency to let stronger-willed kids (even younger ones)order her around. Of course she doesn't like it, but she is still learning how to handle these things in a way that is right for her.
This is not easy, because the line between assertiveness and aggression can be very fine. I'm sure your son honestly didn't know how to "stand up for himself" without bullying right back. Even for adults, it's hard to know how to handle physical aggression from someone younger and smaller. I think the best thing you can do is talk about this, praise him for what he did right (not flying off the handle) and talk about possible techniques and outcomes.
I do this with my daughter and at age 7 she is only now starting to get it. She has a friend in the neighborhood who is very strong-willed. This girl takes 5 turns before she lets my daughter have one, always wants to direct the play instead of share, and tells my daughter to do things she doesn't want to do or *else* (*else* being some undesired consequence such as I'll go home, I won't be your friend anymore, etc.).
I was at my wits end with this annoying girl being so bossy to my sweet daughter. I considered not allowing them to play together anymore, but I realized this friendship was actually a fantastic learning opportunity. All her life my daughter will have to deal with people like this, so why not start now with learning how to handle them? We now have long talks (sometimes multiple ones) after every playdate. She airs her list of grievances and we talk about ways to handle them that feel right to her. I made it clear that the other girl could only be unfair because my girl was letting her, and she would keep right on doing it as long as that didn't change. I'll never forget how proud she was when my daughter triumphantly told me "Mom! I didn't let her blackmail me today, and she backed down, just like you said!"
Five and a half is pretty young to get these concepts, but if you start talking now and keep it up, he will get it. Sounds like he's already on his way. Give him the right tool sand techniques and he will use them for the rest of his life.
J.,
That’s a tough one. If the other child was the same age or older, then I would have no problem telling you to have your son behave way more assertive verbally. But that’s not the case and this doesn't sound like the norm. The child you speak of sounds like he's being neglected and living a difficult life, one where he has to defend and fend for himself. This "mother" you speak of should he held accountable for her children's actions, however, sounds to me like it wouldn't do any good. Sadly, the world is full of people and situations like this. And the best you can do is teach your son to understand that this other child is maybe, disadvantaged and not as lucky to have a mommy like you. This is your chance to teach him forgiveness. I'm not saying teach him to be weak but, THIS child was younger and obviously very sad. An awesome way to teach your child self assertiveness measured with patience and control, boy or girl, is through martial arts. My son is too young at this point but, my sister took martial arts when she was younger and it helped her tremendously.
Best of luck,
D.
Assertiveness is something I am working on too with my own 5-1/2 year old son. He is way too polite, generous, gentle, and sharing. Perhaps your son is the same way too. That just may be his character and as long as he is comfortable with it, it is okay. That said, we do need to make our kids aware about respecting their own boundaries while respecting others. I am also learning how to stand up for myself and express my feelings and teach my son the same while making sure we are not hurting others' feelings. There are some good books out there. One I can rememeber is Teaching kids how to stick up for yourself. Another one is How to talk so kids will listen and how to listen so kids will talk.
In regards to the incident, your feelings are valid and you did what you felt was right under the circumstances. You are still upset that things did not quite go the way they should have been and it is understandable. Unfortunately, a 3 year old would not understand much about possession/property rights. What I have learned that the approach to such incidents should be to go the other child and say kindly that, I can see that you like my push car. You really wish it were yours. I can let you ride it for few minutes and then it would be my turn. And after that I need to leave or may be you could give other child another turn. It is likely that by then, he would move on to other things or you could have him interested in other things or say that you need to leave and may be play another time in the park. If the other child hits or spits, you can have your son say firmly that I can see that you don't want to give back my push car and it makes you so angry that you want to hit and spit but it is not okay to hit or spit. We use our words when we are angry and I want you to stop.
Now this may seem like giving in to other child but it is more respectful and also gives other child an opportunity to show respectfulness in return. We always need to keep the ultimate goal in mind, otherwise, it is just a battle of will, power, and territory. Hope it makes sense. Hang in there.
-Rachna
It sounds like you did the right thing. I would also have explained to my child that sometimes other parents have different rules for their children.
If you're worried about your child being bullied, there's terrific classes offered around the Bay Area and beyond by a nonprof org called KidPower out of Santa Cruz. I highly recommned them for all kids since all will encounter bullies from time to time. One class taken years ago has helped my child tremendously.
hi
I don't think you should have sent your son over there like that. He is only 5 1/2.. still very young. as for the 3 yr old, obviously , he displayed learned behavior. The poor kid is probably treated like that at home and in turn, does it on the playground.
I feel bad for your son though, one, the three year unknowingly chewed your son out and then you said you were upset with him. Poor guy.
Hi J.,
I probably would've asked my son to do the same thing, of course hindsight is great, and had you known ahead of time that this boy would be so aggressive, you probably would've just handled it yourself.
Unfortunately, there are children out there who are "misguided" and playing on a local playground, we can find many of them.....you and your children will learn how to deal with these situations......eventually!
I hope your son knows that he did the RIGHT thing, and he didn't do anything wrong in the matter. He needs to know that some kids are not taught how to be nice boys, and it's up to us to remind them to "be nice".
Spitting is just plain 'ole GROSS!!!!! I'm glad you told the other mom. It probably didn't do anything, nor did they learn anything, but you did the right thing anyway. Some people act as though it is THEIR playground when they live next to it, so that little boy probably thought you were in "his space".....I am certainly not excusing him, just trying to understand him.
In my opinion, you did the right thing....
~N. :O)
AFTER READING RESPONSES AND SEEING THAT YOU TOOK DOWN YOUR ORIGINAL POST.....Dear J., Kids learn by what they see, especially from their parents.
I suspect that you have felt verbally attacked by some of the responses received. You have a perfect right to feel the way you felt about what happened at the park. By erasing your original post is like backing down from an uncomfortable situation...and that's sort of the same thing that happened with your little boy.
Don't be too concerned about what other people think of you, be concerned about what YOU think of you and the kind of person/parent you are.
You seem like a very caring mother who is raising a nice kid.
Blessings.....
Dear J.,
The minute the little boy who was playing with your push car started screaming and pushing was the time I would have stepped in and said, “where is your mommy, who are you here with?” Pushing is bad, spitting is the worst! I would have told the child, “go find your mommy and tell her what you’ve done.” I would have followed behind and had a talk with the parent as well.
Evidently his mother and brother were able to see him and the mother DID apologize. If my child spat on another child, I would have him apologize and he would be punished.
Keep in mind when a little child sees an unattended car or toy in a park, they might know it isn’t their toy, but not necessarily know its someone else’s toy and think its just a toy in a park. That in no way excuses pushing and spitting.
We can’t always be with our kids, but there are times when an adult has to step in and make a correction.
Blessings......
I actually think that you did the right thing by having your son approach the problem and speak up for himself. Next time I would walk over with him but still let him do the talking. Sometimes the adult presence will help the other child respond in a more polite manner. However, every parent deals with problems/discipline differently. I always make a point of discussing what has happened and use these incidents as a teaching lesson. Your son obviously didn't know what to do because he has never encountered such hostility. Use that as a teaching moment and an example of what NOT to do and explain that each family deals with problems differently.
Hi J., my kids are both adults now, but I am not sure if at 5 they are ready to handle things on their own. It also depends on the situation. If it were me, I probably would have walked over their with him. It might have been a different situation had you been standing there when your son asked for the car back. I would have asked the kid where his mom was and dealt with her. The kid who was in the car, might have felt threatened by your son and that was his way of protecting himself. My son was always picked on in school because of his size. I was always there, however by the 3rd grade I decidecd he needed to learn for himself. He became the leader and from that point on, no one bullied him again. Good Luck
With my kids I try to balance having them learn to work it out with being there as back up. So in instances where someone else at the park has taken/isn't giving up a toy that belongs to us, my first step is to encourage my child to say "Excuse me, that's our toy and we need it back". If the other child doesn't give the toy back, I"ll say the same thing while firmly putting my hand on the toy. Knock wood, so far when I've had to do this the child either lets go of the toy or the parent/caregiver realizes that their child is hanging on to something that doesn't belong to him/her and instructs the child to let go of the toy.
If your son is not in a play group or child care he has not learned the skills for being with other children so don't be upset that he didn't do as much as you want. It takes practice and an adult being near by like you did to encourage him. I have three going off to K this year and they know how to verbally stick up for themselves. I tell them to use words like, "Stop!, I don't like that!" and am by them. It takes some time for them to learn. Your little buy must have been in shock to be treated so badly.
I would be shocked too and I have been in the child care field for 36 years plus my own four kids. No one likes a bully and they are still out there as you found out. The Mom should have had her son come back and tell your son he was sorry. Do you live by a library? They have story time for preschool children. Do you have friends that have kids his age and you could all form a play group taking turns at someone's home?
F.
Call me crazy, but that other child was ONLY 3! He wanted the car- didn't want to give it back and certainly didn't realize and understand that it was "YOURS"! How sharing are you to bring that to the park and demand it back- if you bring things to the park, expect that other kids will play and if they're 3 it will be hard for them to give it back. Honestly pushing doesn't sound that horrible for a 3 yo with an older brother that needs to assert himself at home to get his way probably. Spitting sounds more unusual- but maybe he saw his 8 yo brother and friends having a spitting contest- he's 3 for god sakes!!! And his mother did apologize. Kids do work things out themselves, even if a mother doesn't get involved- it might have been a little pushy shovy and then your son could've grabbed and made a run w/"your" toy- good if he speaks up for himself but he will come out okay even if you didn't tell him what to do. Sounds like your anger and worry were very heightened/disproportionate for something a 3 yr. old did- your son is probably fine and can actually handle more than you know. On one last note, I used to teach my painfully shy child to stand up for himself and next thing I know he took it too seriously and learned to shove back etc... I should've left him alone. I assure you your son was not being bullied by a 3 yr. old boy who was excited by this toy!!! Good luck.
I think your 5 year old is very young to expect him to know
what to do to "defend himself." He may have felt you shamed
him which is worse than defending himself. I would give him
some ideas on what to say when this sort of thing happens again. He may just be a sensitive little boy and not want to
start an argument. They are not all extraverts. You sound
like a very involved mother which is great!
I understand your frustration with the situation. I think you are headed in the right direction in teaching your son to learn how to deal with situations on his own, but I think you may be acting on emotions (which is totally human) and not taking a step back and seeing alternatives. Remember your son is looking to you to see how you react in situations and storing that for a situation later and you should take this as an opportunity to use your words and mitigate an escalated situation. We can not help how other kids are going to act, but we can help our children learn how to react in certain situations. It's sort of like what Steven Covey says. "Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space lies our freedom and power to choose our response. In those choices lie our growth and our happiness." We have the ability to choose our reaction. Continue to show your son how to be empathetic to others. Understanding how others are feeling and where they are coming from can help him learn how to react and find the path of least resistance. You/he could have said, I understand you want to play with the car, we like it too. Would you like to play with it for a few minutes before we leave? I can push you (this could also have been a lesson in making friends), but after that I am going to take it back to my Mom and then we can go play on the slide. The other boy was only 3 and in the me/mine space in life and doesn't quite understand, but was reacting to something being taken away. Does that make sense? Take that incident as a learning experience with your child. You could have a conversation about it in the car on the way home and talk about how he reacted, praise him for his speaking up and give him alternative ways to deal with the situation in the future.
I did have a recent experience at at park where there was a little boy running around and spitting on other kids, I did take the opportunity because the kids were all under 3 and didn't understand exactly what was going on, to tell the kid, please no spitting, that is not nice. I saw him do it again and said remember what we talked about, that's not nice. The other kids don't like it when you do that. The adult interaction let him know that it was not ok and he stopped. Sometimes we do need to step in.
This sounds a bit much for a kid, but with proper modeling you can help instill these values in your children. At 5 1/2, he should be very receptive to this.
Hi J.-
First, I want to tell you I think you did the right thing by telling the other child he was not being nice and stepping in as the only adult around was correct on your part. As for your son, he is only 5. The difference between standing up for himself and what is right verses being a bully is not really a clear definition in his mind yet. He does not want to be mean- encourage this- and he needed your help- also encourage this. To teach him to stand up for himself, perhaps do role play situations where he is being mistreated- the child in the park with his ridiculous spatting and tantrum over a toy that did not belong to him.
Unfortunately, other kids may see your child as weak for not fighting. Please encourage him to be strong- that to not fight, hit, spit, etc., requires a greater discipline and makes him a better person. I think (and this is solely my opinion) that you should teach him to be more verbally assertive- kind, but strong. He must learn to defend himself with respect. You might even try putting him into karate or judo. He will be in impeccable shape and the self respect, restraint, and authority he will learn are priceless. If you are in Bakersfield, I suggest Goju Ryu off of Oswell and Columbus.
I want to encourage you to not be thrown by other people's children. A child like that, no matter the age, has a lot of neglect issues as well as anger issues that are clearly not important to the parent. You could call the police and let them deal with finding the parent right away- that may spur the parent into being more....attentive to their child and the child's behavior. The other thing is that as horrible as it was, you are making a positive decision by wanting to teach him to stand up for himself without being a bully. YOu can't control other people's kids, but you can be that one shining light that shows them the right thing to do.
I hope this helps!
-E. M
There, but by the grace of God, go I.
Hi,
Sorry I am late to respond, My 5 yr old daughter takes Karate, Her Karate teacher teaches the children to walk away from bullys, rather then engage someone who may be dangerous. Karate classes give the child something to draw from when they are in a situation like that and helps the child feel better about themselves. It teaches maners and respect. And its lots of fun. Maybe you can find a good karate class in your area, your child may enjoy it.
Good luck
J.
Hi Janinie,
I had a playground incident also with my 5 1/2 year old boy a few years back. When he ran to me to complain about another kid's behavior, I told him that he can handle it and sent him back out. He tried, but ended up in tears because the truth was he couldn't handle it. I have always regretted my response. Kids at this age are still learning by watching and mentoring adults. I felt that I wasn't there for him when he needed me. Your son really tried and that would have been a difficult situation for anyone to handle!
Regarding toys at the park, I taught my kids that if they take a desirable toy to the park other kids will want to use it and they have to share.
I have gentle homeschooled children and we have run into this on many occasions.
I have a freind who has an 11 yr old boy (who is very small for his age)who is agressive. He shoves, pulls hair,calls names, etc. I quit seeing her for the most part due to him but when she was going through a divorce I saw her more regularly for about a month long stretch as I was praying for her and trying to be supportive. This mother was a passive parent. If the child did anything against others, there was a lackluster "don't do that Jack" followed by walking away. I got so fed up, I told my 12 yr old daughter, if he hurts you, you now have my permission to defend yourself, since his parent will not interceed.
So on our next visit, Like clockwork,he kicked my daughter quarely in the groin. She took him by his arm and (probably with all the built up anger over being wronged by him)threw him up against the wall.
He made a HUGE fuss, screaming and crying of how hurt he was. I couldnt beleive it! anyway I informed them I had told my daughter that if she was assaulted she had a right to defend herself. That was the LAST TIME he ever touched her.
I'm not saying that it is right to retaliate. What I am saying, is we don't have to be doormats. If the child is an out and out BULLY, and the authority figure does not step in and parent, then the natural consequences of getting back what he dished out can help to "train" a bully out of his bad behavior.
Very young children usually put up a fight over toys and such- they lack maturity. Don't send your kid to try to reason with the unreasonable. You need to do that part. When he gets a little older and the other kid is older then you can encourage him to take the bull by the horns.
I think your child handled himself well. You should be proud of him.
I feel sorry for your son, because he probably feels embarrassed for being attacked by a younger child, and sad that he disappointed you. At 5 years old, you should have walked over to the other child WITH your son, when it was time to leave the park, and stood behind him as he asked nicely for the toy back. Expecting a 5 year old to know how to react in this situation, with a strange, obviously unsupervised child, I believe was unreasonable. I appreciate what you were trying to do, but when you saw that he was obviously in over his head, you should have had his back and not, in my opinion, thrown him under the bus.
I have spoken publically on the issue of school bullying and one of the most important things is for kids to know that their parents are behind them, both physically and emotionally, to support them. He is 5, for goodness sake, and should not have felt like he was helplessly thrown into the ring. You need to ease in to these things and teach him little by little.
Once again, I think your heart was in the right place, it's just that you expected too much of him, a very small child, and unfortunately he ended up having to do the job that an adult should have stepped in and completed.
JMHO,
dm-
Some cultures emphasize that all adults can discipline all children at all times, because it encourages a more communal environment and it also teaches children to respect all adults, not just the parents. Raising your voice to speak firmly is not necessarily yelling, and there is nothing wrong with being upset or expressing anger. We all feel anger.
Perhaps the only thing I would have done differently in this situation is that I might have tried to instruct the boy that "We're okay if you want to try out the car, as long as you ask us and your mommy first." Granted, the boy had no caregiver in sight and I don't know if this goes against your reasons for "not sharing." Whenever my son gets upset because another kid at the park tries to take his toys, I usually try to mediate by first suggesting to my son that he share, and then turning to the other kid and saying "we don't mind sharing if you ask."
I started doing this with my son as soon as he learned to talk. Obviously, the goal is long term and similar to your desire to have your son "stand up" for himself.
I think it was okay for you to step in. Do not feel defeated that you had to. It is a lot to ask a 5 1/2 year old to be persistent in this, but I think it is important that you have a conversation with your son about the incident if you have any lingering regrets. You don't have to be judgmental about what happened, just ask him what he thinks and tell him how you feel and then maybe discuss with him how you can both do things better next time.
As for the other mother...unless you personally know the woman and can speak with her privately about this ultra-aggressive child, I don't think there is much you can do. I suppose the only thing I would consider doing differently is take a pause before speaking to the mom next time, and see if she opens with any questions or remarks first. By the tone of her voice, you may be able to gauge whether or not it is worthwhile to have a more constructive conversation with her. If she is already defensive and huffy, then I think your response is merited. By speaking first, you gave her no option to apologize first or to engage you in a friendly manner.
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As a side story, I was at the park with my son a few months ago. He was playing with another little girl who had brought her bike (really small for preschoolers). I was chatting with her nanny a few feet from the kids when I noticed a teenager trying to ride off on the bike across the street. He had 3 friends watching and laughing at this ridiculous sight. I brought the nanny's attention to it and she quickly went over to address the situation as I stayed by the kids. I heard a "Oh, I didn't realize this bike belonged to anyone."
Right, because you didn't notice us 20 feet across the park and bikes just miraculously appear for your enjoyment from the sky.
I think kids, no matter how young, need instruction on properly asking to use other people's things. Assuming they can't or won't understand is a complete underestimation of how much children can and will understand with proper instruction.
That teenager probably lacked some instruction in his earlier years.
Keep on chugging, mama.
I have gentle homeschooled children and we have run into this on many occasions.
I have a freind who has an 11 yr old boy (who is very small for his age)who is agressive. He shoves, pulls hair,calls names, etc. I quit seeing her for the most part due to him but when she was going through a divorce I saw her more regularly for about a month long stretch as I was praying for her and trying to be supportive. This mother was a passive parent. If the child did anything against others, there was a lackluster "don't do that Jack" followed by walking away. I got so fed up, I told my 12 yr old daughter, if he hurts you, you now have my permission to defend yourself, since his parent will not interceed.
So on our next visit, Like clockwork,he kicked my daughter quarely in the groin. She took him by his arm and (probably with all the built up anger over being wronged by him)threw him up against the wall.
He made a HUGE fuss, screaming and crying of how hurt he was. I couldnt beleive it! anyway I informed them I had told my daughter that if she was assaulted she had a right to defend herself. That was the LAST TIME he ever touched her.
I'm not saying that it is right to retaliate. What I am saying, is we don't have to be doormats. If the child is an out and out BULLY, and the authority figure does not step in and parent, then the natural consequences of getting back what he dished out can help to "train" a bully out of his bad behavior.
Very young children usually put up a fight over toys and such- they lack maturity. Don't send your kid to try to reason with the unreasonable. You need to do that part. When he gets a little older and the other kid is older then you can encourage him to take the bull by the horns.
I think your child handled himself well. You should be proud of him.
Lots of different opinions and thoughts here, we are all different in our styles. I think trying to teach your son to stick up for himself is great, and I agree that you should be proud that he did not react with violence. The one thing that caught my eye was your reaction, getting very angry and telling your son to stand up for himself. I can see how upset anyone would be with that unsupervised kid, but it sounds like you may have sounded angry at your son for not standing up for himself better, especially to "a younger child". A boy of 5.5 is still trying to learn interpersonal skills, and being faced with such an expected reaction would leave anyone stymied. Make sure he knows you are NOT disappointed in him for his not knowing what to do, and use it as a learning experience for next time. Discuss what he could have done, have him think about possible outcomes, talk about your own reaction to the absence of a parent. Most of all, let him know that when things go weird or out of his control, you WILL be there to support and protect him. He shouldn't be afraid to ask you for help for fear of disappointment. He's still learning.
I think your son handled the situation perfectly. Chances are if he had been aggressive back the other kids mother who wasn't there to witness it would have been in your face as to why your son was picking on her smaller son. It sounds like this other kids problems are directly related to his mother which comes as no surprise that she wasn't around. I don't see it as your son backing down, he held his ground without stooping to a lower level. There is not much else he can do when dealing with a difficult person. I wouldn't expect my son to fight back unless it was a reoccurring problem but since your son hadn't seen this kid before he did the right thing.
Let me just say this..you will get varying and different opinions on this one....we all have different parenting styles
I would have explained to my child mommy's going to go over there and let the little boy know it's okay to play with our car, he just needs to play with it in this area......this teaches your child to share with others and it's okay to do so....
I have a child that I have learned that if I push too much...it just goes out the other ear....
for the child pretty much attacking your child....I would have gone over thier and removed both from the situation and looks for the other child's mother and confront her with what was going on...and maybe inquire if hte hcild might have had any illnesses that you might need to look out for...asking in a non chalant way...
on the older sibling coming over and getting the child, I would have asked where thier mother was..and let her know what was going on.....that no one was hurt..but the child was spitting and you thought she might want to know...
As for the mom not having her child apologize to your child..this is probably something this child has done before....and mom may be at her wits end with his behaviour...just being devils advocate.
but..if I may have been pushed to my limit..and had to confront this situation...I may have approached it a little differently ...
anywhoo..that's my opinion for what it's worth....
maybe that momma was having a rough day and was delayed in her reaction to what was going on or didnt even see it or was not told what happened..OR..she did see it and thinks her childs actions were okay ...who knows.
