Vent - My Mother Annoys Me.

Tell me about it! My mom drives me BATTY.

I LOVE, love, love my mother. Like you, I talk on the phone with my mama daily (if not more), we see each other a few times a week, and she has my girls over for a spend the night at least a few times a month. My husband loves her, she is doing amazing professional work, and I trust her deeply.

Still. She drives me up the darn wall. Now, if anyone ELSE were to criticize her, I'd have to eat them for breakfast.

ETA: My mom and I are very similar (what could be MORE annoying than THAT! ;-) I'd be willing to bet that, from the dawn of time, mothers and daughters have been bugged by each other. Doesn't mean I want to distance myself from her, share less with her, keep my kids from her, or change her. I LOVE her just as she is and am grateful for my relationship to her. She's my MOTHER. Her voice is like honey, the tea she makes magic, and her hugs more comforting than anything in the world. I hope, hope, hope that my girls will feel as close to me as I feel to my mother, even though they will, as adults, inevitably be annoyed by me and my (*cough*) perfection.

Can you just start talking every other day, once a day? And then once every 3 days? It sounds like you talk to her as much as you do your husband. There is too much familiarity, and that's why she doesn't see the difference in her and you as far as your child is concerned.

It's not a matter of knocking her down a peg or two. It's about establishing some sort of boundary - you don't have one. If I were your husband, I'd be upset that your mother is too much a part of your marriage. It shouldn't be that way. And your child should have one mommy - not two.

She needs to learn to be a grandmother. She doesn't know how to do that because you've let her muscle her way into your life, as if you are still at home with her.

Please make this umbilical cord between you a lot longer. It will really help you.

Dawn

Thanks for sharing your rant ; ) I feel the same way about my parents and their quirky ways, but now that my dad is in the hospital dying I'd give anything for him to be able to tell his boring (to me and my siblings and kids) stories for the 1000th time about the Navy in WWII or when he used to work and no one knew anything but him, or to see his face light up when my kids call him "Dad" as they always have no matter how I tried to get them to say "Grandpa" or "Tata," but now he doesn't know who they are. I could go on but I won't.

God bless you and your Mom, love her and cherish her for all the things she does that bug you.

My mom used to annoy me too. I'm sure I annoy my daughter, but she's gracious enough not to show it he way I did! I think it's a normal cycle of life. To tell you the truth, I think the closer mother and daughter are, the more they argue. My sil and mil are carbon copies of each other and they butt heads constantly and are always annoyed with each other. They are also best friends and couldn't make it a day without talking to each other. The good thing is, your mom seems oblivious to the fact that you are annoyed. So you dont have to feel so guilty about it. :)

Awwww...I think the "I know" is just a bad habit. Have you mentioned it to her, or turned the tables on her and done that to her so that she can see how silly and annoying it is? A guy I worked with used to do that too...it's just an annoying habit but because you two are close, I'm sure you can find a way for her to see the habit and work with her on changing it. She probably does it to other people too.

Regarding everything else...sounds like you'll need to learn to set some boundaries or learn to live with her zeal. To me, her actions seem like a natural outgrowth of your closeness. I don't talk to my mother every day - never have, never will. Nor is she the person I call to chat about milestones or new fun things that my kids have done. But you do do that, and it sounds like you value and treasure that closeness. I would set some firmer boundaries with my mother, but I'm not you.

Distance - it's great to have a great relationship with your mom, but you're not a child any more and she's not in charge. YOU are. Don't tell her about changing the relationship. Decide what you want, and make slow changes till you get as close to that as you can. Call less, lower your expectations of emotional support. She can be a grandma, but she doesn't have to live in your pocket. He is YOUR son, and your hubby and son are the primary family now. You can be gentle on how you make the changes though.

Here's a book that's been mentioned by others on this site - http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/d...

Good luck!

I very much agree with Dawn B. that you need better boundaries. There are books on the subject that might help with that issue. Check your library.

Would you mind sharing some of those tips when you get them? I'm in a bit of a culture clash myself with my MIL. She is a wonderful lady, and I think it is fantastic that she loves my children the way she does, but I grew up in a very insular nuclear family - we lived about three hours away from our nearest relatives, so most of the time, it was just my parents, my brother, and me. My husband grew up on the same street with his grandparents and most of his aunts and uncles. The constant family interactions sound similar to what you are describing with your mom, and are a bit of a culture shock for me, and I know it's me, and I'm working on it, so any tips you can pass on would be awesome!

We're on our first too, and my mom acts the same exact way. #2 probably bothers me the most. I don't really have any advice (Sorry); just want you to know that you're not alone in feeling this way.

You are definitely not the only one. My mom wants my kids to love her just as much, if not more than they love me. It was hardest on me when my oldest was an infant. My mom babysat her full-time while we worked full time. When I would go to pick her up after work, she didn't want to come home with me. I hated it! When my second was born, I quit my job and became a full-time SAHM. It drove my mother crazy that my son was a mama's boy and only wanted me. Her jealousy and sadness was very evident. But then my third baby wasn't as attached to me as an infant and would go to her just as much as me and she was ecstatic! I have grown accustomed to and more tolerant to her ways, and don't get angry about it anymore. Maybe it's because I have three now and they've outnumbered us, or I just got so used to it that I don't care. I would suggest that you keep your special activities and moments with your son to yourself from now on. Definitely tell her about the major milestones, but she doesn't need to know about every little thing.

I'm sorry, Heather...you're probably not going to like this.....
So...you have a mother that loves and watches and is involved in your child's life.
Consider yourself lucky.
Can a kid ever have too many people that love him/her?
#1 She responds "I know" a lot. Maybe it's a reflex, a habit? You say yourself she said ""Wait a minute. I didn't know that." when you said something out of the ordinary.....perhaps it's her "like" or "ya know" phrase.
#2 Clear examples that she HAS "been there, done that" obviously. The day will come when you are ASKING her opinion. Trust me.
#3 She wants to be involved and actually witness his new cute responses, likes and dislikes? How dare she! LOL

We don't "own" our kids, after all...we just care for them until they can care for themselves.....

Give her a break, will you? Do you know how many people have parents or in-laws that don't give a rip?

I'd be really pissed... actually angry enough to stay away and not call my Mother for over a week at a time. She had all the 'firsts' with you and her other children, if she missed out on those - tough sh*t. This is now YOUR turn for all the firsts and special connections with your new baby, NOT HERS.

You need to put your foot down loudly and sternly. Be consistent, voice your anger and frustrations... if she doesn't heed them, then avoid her.

It sounds like she is just very eager to be with her grandchild and has some funny habits. My sister has the annoying habit that when I talk to her her she sort of mouths the ends of sentences sound-free but then tries to finish my sentences out loud, sometimes not with what I was going to say. Maybe her rate of input is higher than my rate of output, but it is very distracting. My father in law does the same mouthing thing while looking at my mouth but I think he is hard of hearing and sort of needs to do it to follow along with conversation.My husband is very outgoing and can often jump into stories I want to finish but then he does. Both my girls talk at such a rapid fire rate that it is difficult for non-teens to follow what they talk about. But I love them all dearly and I am sure there are things I do that annoy them.

hi ur mom may be annoying but please cherish her because one day she might not be there to annoy u anymore i used to say things when my mom was always looking for me or if i didnt tell her where i was going or when i came back and i was 46 years old when she was still doing that well my mother passed away in 2006 and believe me i wish i had her here too annoy me i understand what ur saying but just try to bare with her shes the only mom u will always have missing mine in texas

Hi Heather, you said you just want to vent, not knock her down a peg or put her in her place. But let me make a suggestion. Right now you can accept her behavior and laugh at it, but as this kind of stuff continues, it's going to bother you more and more, and possibly put a wedge between you and your mom.

You love your mom to pieces and you talk to her every day. So that is a great thing, and you don't want that to change. Also, you want your mom to have the proper grandma role in your life, not as the surrogate mom but as the grandma, and you don't want to deprive yourself (or her) of that.

I won't go into my story, but suffice it to say that I allowed my mother to continue with her bad behaviors regarding my kids and so deprived us both of a wonderful opportunity to share parenting/grandparenting together.

I think you should either show her your post, with your responses, or write her a letter or somehow tell her gently about the things that are bothering you. The reason she is doing these things is because as a parent, her kids are grown and she now doesn't feel needed, so these behaviors help her feel important and needed. However, it's not the right way to go about it, and she can still be needed and be a wonderful grandma while behaving appropriately. She needs to learn to take a back seat, and she will discover that she can still feel important.

Haven't read your other responses, and maybe this will mellow out once the novelty wears off. However, if it doesn't, and you start resenting these things more and more (which I think you will), you really need to make her change these parts of her "personality" before they cause a problem.

We can all improve, and saying "I know" after everything someone says is annoying to everyone, not just her daughter.

My mom went nuts when we had our first! She posted a big poster sign on her office door "its a girl". You would have thought she had the baby!!! I loved sharing my daughter with my mom and she was a fantastic grandmother. Mom has Frontal Temporal Dementia and has no idea who anyone is. Breaks my heart and kills my daughter to see her like this. Enjoy your mom! I would do anything to have that back!

"I know" is a habit with your mom. Don't let it bug you - most especially since you know it already. As for her taking on things that you initiate like they're her own...just know that obviously your mom thinks that you have fascinating ideas and activities that she so desperately wants to be part of. Nobody copies or repeats things that they don't value or enjoy. All moms have those annoying things that we do. I am sure that I have a truck-full that my daughters have to overlook or vent about. I would suggest a journal where you can write about your frustrations - but just make sure that at the beginning of each and every entry you write "I know my mom loves me and I love her right back. Today...." Then at the end of every entry write "I love her so very much." You're a great daughter because you have already come to terms with the fact that you'd rather vent than ever risk hurting her feelings. Sometimes putting things in writing allows us to look at them objectively and really find the humor in those situations that escapes us in the heat of the moment. Often, I would give anything to have my meddling, somewhat sarcastic, always right mom here with me (she's deceased)...and then I realize I do because somehow I have morphed into being quite like her (SMILE). Be Blessed!

The "I know" statement can be a turn off. I didn't realize once when working a long while back that I picked up the habit and my supervisor so graciously informed me of how it made other people feel. It was eye opening and I never did it again. Even if you don't know everything which no one does it comes off rather arrogant.

Try to speak with mom in a firm gentle manner about the comment. Perhaps she doesn't know that she is doing it.

If need be, don't involve mom in everything that junior does. Take your picture and do you own thing especially after you talk with her. She might just find out how lonely she really is and how she pushed you all away. Life is too short to be worry about power plays and things.

Enjoy your baby the the fullest. If you can have more than the merrier. If not know that you got to have one to experience the bringing forth of life.

Happy New Year.

The other S.

PS Control what you can.