Unpleasant Mealtime

A., like another person who posted, I want to second all that SM advised -- reread her post for great ideas. This is about his ability to control things. Keep in mind, for many years to come, that you cannot MAKE him eat or drink, just as when potty training time comes, you cannot MAKE him pee or poop on cue in the "right" place. Children realize this quickly and things become a game to them (especially hurling food). Don't let meals become a battle of wills because they too often do if the parents make them that. Staying calm, calm, calm, removing him from mealtime when he throws stuff, etc., as SM said, will show him he is not in charge and that the meal ends when he does certain actions. This will take quite some time but try to maintain the calm and be consistent about offering foods and handling his actions the same ways each time, or he won't learn the consequences that throwing, etc. bring. I do not advocate spanking or even swatting; that only teaches a child that the adults on whom they most depend believe that physical hitting is an appropriate reaction. If he's otherwise healthy and growing, and you're offering tiny amounts of a variety of foods, not letting him control mealtimes, removing him when it's appropriate, avoiding "no" and "don't", etc., then this too shall pass -- and some other phase will begin!

I think S M said most of it. I will add that it's possible this is a response to moving, but not necessarily. I know we tried being quieter with my kids and it didn't work. One time I yelled (not at my child, and no words-just yelled so she'd hear me over herself). She stopped and looked at me, and I said, "See, isn't that silly? So let's leave yelling for playtime and eating for now." I think she was 15 mo at the time, but it actually worked. Of course the kids still get REALLY loud at the table and need reminders sometimes, but there's no punishment-they are just being people (not even just children-lots of times adults get louder and louder and they don't realize it either). We just remind them that yelling is an outside play thing (our house rules-no yelling in the house at all, b/c my mom used to all the time over nothing and I'm trying to keep from making that mistake), and we go on with our meal.

Congratulations, he sounds perfectly normal. At one, it all becomes a power struggle, and it is a normal part of his development. he wouldn't be a healthy kid, if he didn't challenge you. It does not mean he will be a difficult child or a picky eater.

That being said, however, you are right to want to handle this well and avoid creating bad habits that will, at least, make the next couple years very hard. You also want him to have a diverse diet. All you can really do is offer a diverse but small assortment of food,and let him graze. Put part of your meal on his plate - meat, veggie, etc. and one thing you know he will eat. And leave him alone. Don't cajole, just let him be incontrol as much as he can be. Also, eat with him and emphasize how much you like it all. Feed him off your plate if he wants.

If he drops/throws something or acts out in other ways, just take his plate away or get him out of his chair. No yelling, just simply, "If you throw, dinner goes away."The quieter and smaller your reaction the better. Don't even make eye contact if you think that he values that attention too much. Only talk/play for good behavior, and then lavish the attention.

Make sure he is hungry when he sits for a mea. That doesn't mean NO snacks - he probably should have 5-6 smallinsh meals per day. But don't feed him OR give him milk for an hour or more before dinner. And don't offer a dringk until he is mostly done with his meal. And frankly, I wouldn't give him juice. Aside from it just being bad for him, it sets up a reward strucuter. And trust me, he will learn or has learned to hold out for the juice which may very well fill him up before bed.

What hr is eating sounds about right, that is "normal." Keep offering small portions of veggies and proteins, but set realistic expectations. Some nights, one bite is success. Encourage him to be a kid that tries everything, but not necessarily eats everyting.

Some good foods are pureed/mashed/diced avacado, beans, sweet potatoes, and protein enriched pasta. If pasta is a hit, try putting tomato sauce on everything or offer as a dip. Also mix fruit into anything. My daughters loved potatos and apples as well as avacado and bananas.

Good luck. Be calm and patient and focus on not making meals stressful for anyone - let mealtime be enjoyable for him (but not a free for all) and he will learn to love eating, Let him have as much choice in foods as possible, but don't tolerate difficult behavior at the table like throwing.Also, don't try to keep him in the high chair too long. he is too young to sit through an adult meal, at least tha tis true for some kids. Make him behave a reasonable amount of time, but don't encourage him to hate being stuck in the high chair. I promise he will improve, although you will probably have many more "phases" ahead of you too. Enjoy him, it goes fast.

Oh and one more thing - Don't teach him "No." Use positive language. If you are always sayin "Don't this" or "Don't that" all they really hear is the this and that. Tell him in a quiet voice, almost a whisper, "Say it wiht nice words" or 'Inside voice" or whatever you choose.Also, encourage signing. It is easy to learn 2-3 easy signs form videos online and it helps avoid frustration. Kids learn signs as early as 6 months, but my kids realized they were useful and really used them around 15 months or so. The best are More, Please, Drink, Eat, Play. Makes a world of difference. Screaming for the sheer joy of the sound (and your reaction) is also very common) really jus tignore that or distract him with conversation.

Hi

I agree SM made a lot of good points. Continue as you are doing , offer him the same things that you are eating , yes there will be some things that he is not going to like , but do not make a fuss and offer alternatives just because you want him to eat something , he will not starve himself. They all go through this stage of throwing food , wanting to feed themselves (with or without spoon)and he will come out the other side. One thing I will say is that if he really seems to dislike the highchair , why don't you try a booset seat on the dining chair so that he is sat to the table with you?

Have fun!

K.

13 months old is plenty old enough to start enforcing a real punishment. I know that a lot of moms seem to be against any kind of spanking, but if he were MY child throwing food and screaming, that is exactly what he would get. When my daughter was just under a year old she started getting feisty during diaper changes. My husband started giving my daughter a little swat on the butt. He did it maybe twice, and that's all it took. She would see his hand go up, and she'd stop fighting. They are NOT dumb. You got some good advice from other people about taking his food away, still giving positive attention, etc. I know not everyone 'believes' in spanking, and I also know that, for some kids, it's not the solution. You are the parent. You need to find a punishment that suits him so that he understands that his behavior is unacceptable. If you let this slide (because he's too little to understand, because it's a phase that'll pass, because...because...), where are you then going to draw the line?

Hi A.,
Is he gaining weight the way he should? If not, see your doctor. Your son may actually be in pain when he eats and the food throwing is how he is telling you. All the acting up reminds me of the reflux my child had at that age. You might want to ask even if your son is of normal weight.
If he is gaining fine, it may also be a behavior thing. The advice about what to feed him is great, and if he starts screaming or throwing food, his meal time is over! Just take him down from the table and wipe him off and away he goes and you can offer him food again in 2-3 hours and see if he eats. The best thing to do is feed him on a schedule, the same time every day. 7am, breakfast. 10 am snack, 12:30 lunch 3:00 snack time, 5:30 dinner and 7:30 bedtime snack (if awake). Since you are still breast feeding, simply replace the meal or snack with a breastfeeding, and you can move feedings around for naptime(s). The benefit of a schedule is you know they aren't desperately hungry to where they are throwing food out of frustration, and you know they are likely to eat since they haven't eaten in at least 2 hours. That way you aren't wasting time making food they won't eat. This only works if you do not feed them between scheduled feedings!
Also is he drinking cow's milk? Does he act up after that? Could be it disagrees with him. If so ask your doctor what to give him to drink.
Finally there are a lot of transitions going on! Some of this is definitely due to adjustments with a new home, changes in breastfeeding and starting to walk.
Good luck ! And remember, your positive outlook on mealtimes helps your kid eat better. I learned all of this by seeing a nutritionist. They can really help a lot.
J.

Sounds to me like he's perfectly normal for his age. In fact, your pediatrician should have warned you to expect this behavior - I know ours did.

Toddlerhood is an age of stretching limits, pushing buttons and expressing independence. Throw into the mix the teething - especially the molars and canines!

My son is 19 months old and he goes through similar stages. I refuse to simply make him something else or to give in to the tantrum. I trust that if he needs something, his body will crave it and therefore he will consume a lot of those chicks.

Just be warned, if you think this is bad, that first full-blown temper tantrum out in public is probably in your near future.