Unaffectionate Child

Updated on November 19, 2014
G.T. asks from Canton, MA
13 answers

Hi there. My 7 year old daughter is just no an affectionate child. She will have her moments with me, her dad and her sister, but not with friends or even any other family like her grandparents.
It is what it is. She's ALWAYS been this way.
But she is starting to have some problems at school. Girls her age have a tendency to be touchy feely - give hugs, squeezes, hold hands, etc. My daughter wants no part of it! She actually really offended one little girl who is a good friends of hers, and she has been picking on my DD a bit here and there ever since. I know she hurt this girls feelings unintentionally, but I'm also glad she stuck up for herself.
Any thoughts?

UPDATE: No, my child does not have Autism or Aspergers - she is an overly cautious and a bit of an anxious child. We had her tested for both. As our pediatrician says - she is a but quirky, but nothing to be overly concerned about. I just sometimes like to get MOMS opinions too.

What can I do next?

  • Add yourAnswer own comment
  • Ask your own question Add Question
  • Join the Mamapedia community Mamapedia
  • as inappropriate
  • this with your friends

Featured Answers

T.S.

answers from San Francisco on

I don't think it's abnormal at all. I tend to be a hugger, but I'm not really touchy feely, meaning I don't like people in my personal physical space, and I never really liked holding hands or walking arm in arm. Once I give you a hug (maybe a kiss) that's it LOL!

1 mom found this helpful

More Answers

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

H.W.

answers from Portland on

My son is a hugger. I just tell him "at school, give a high-five instead of a hug". Some kids are huggers. I'm a hugger. I have friends who are definitely not huggers. I'm not offended. The kids should learn that just like not everyone likes pink ponies or strawberry yogurt, not everyone wants a hug. Just teach her to say 'I don't really want a hug, but I'll give you a cool high-five' or something like that. Teach her that while they might want contact beyond what's comfortable for her, she can say 'no thanks' in a friendly way.

6 moms found this helpful

S.T.

answers from Washington DC on

my thoughts?
i'm glad that you seem to accept your daughter as she is. you can work with her a little on NOT hurting others' feelings, but like you, i'm glad to see she remains true to herself and that you support her in that.
khairete
S.

5 moms found this helpful

B.C.

answers from Norfolk on

Not everyone is all touchy-feely.
There's nothing wrong with that.
Friends will works things out according to their own needs.
If one wants to be clinging all the time and the other doesn't - it's up to them to find a compromise between one extreme and the other.
Be ok with your daughter as she is and don't push her to change just to please others.
If my kid will be unhappy about participating in a hug fest, and another girl is unhappy because of non-participation in the hug fest - I'd choose for my daughter to be happy and the other girl can get over it.

2 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

S.S.

answers from Chicago on

I was like that as a kid. I did not want to be hugged or held on to by anyone as a child. Family get together where aunts and uncles wanted to hug and kiss on you were nightmares for me. At school I didn't want to run around the playground holding hands. I didn't want to walk in the halls arm in arm. If a teacher put a hand on my shoulder I froze. I can remember holding my breath til they moved along. That changed somewhere around 5th or 6th grade. Maybe it was a hormone thing. I don't know but it did change. I don't remember ever hurting anyone's feelings with it. One thing that did stay with me was the not liking to be kissed on the mouth. Other than my husband I don't kiss anyone on the mouth.

2 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

G.♣.

answers from Springfield on

I really know where you're coming from. We just want our kids to be able to navigate the world of friends without getting hurt or hurting others. Sometimes I listen to my son and just want to correct so many things so that he doesn't hurt others or tell him what to think about something someone else did so that he doesn't feel hurt.

The thing is, the only way my son is going to learn how to navigate his friendships is by navigating his friendships. There are times when I do help him reflect on something that happened. But I'm trying to remind myself that most of the time he really just needs me to listen.

If your daughter isn't big on affection, that's fine! She doesn't need to apologize to anyone for that. It would be helpful for her to learn some nicer ways of saying it, but that will come with time. Similarly, her friend will learn, in time, to respect the wishes of others. Her friend my have really been hurt, but she'll learn that people are different and she needs to not expect everyone to want the same things she does.

It's very clear that you love your daughter. It's hard to just stand by and let them figure things out, but that is our jobs to an extent. Good luck!!!

2 moms found this helpful

D.B.

answers from Boston on

This is the same child who was 6 in October, right? So she just had a birthday. Here's your question from October: http://www.mamapedia.com/questions/16908621786722336769

You wrote that she has tantrums, she interrupts, she never stops talking, and she's such a handful. Is that how you think she offended the other girl? Maybe she just hasn't learned any skills for managing her own behavior, so maybe her behavior is more than "unintentional" and just poorly controlled?

Some kids aren't affectionate and don't like to be touched. You say here that's how she is. What is your reason for wanting to change it? Sometimes it's personality, sometimes it's a sensory issue.

But based on your other questions about this child and your desire for parenting classes, I honestly don't think the lack of demonstrativeness is a big problem. I think your concerns about a better structure for parenting both children is more essential. Once you get things under control, I imagine her behavior at school and her ability to socialize appropriately will fall into place.

I think it makes sense to talk to the teacher in a conference about behaviors she is seeing at school and what the triggers are. You'll be better able to see a pattern if you talk to the person who sees her all day and find out what disciplinary techniques are most successful.

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

E.M.

answers from Phoenix on

I have a friend who told me "I never hug anyone unless I mean it. And when I hug someone, I hug them like I mean it!" That's my philosophy, and even as an adult, it makes me feel better about offering a handshake sometimes. When I hug you, you will feel well and truly snuggled! And if I don't feel like wrapping you up in warmth and affection, I'll shake your hand. I don't hug colleagues until they are friends, for example. So I would suggest working out a similar rule of some kind for your daughter, and tell her that she should not feel bad for sticking with it. Maybe teach her the phrase "I'm just not feeling huggy/hand holding /snuggly/whatever today."

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

R.B.

answers from San Francisco on

She doesn't have to hug or hold hands with anyone she doesn't want to. Support your daughter in that, and don't worry if others are offended by it.

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

M.J.

answers from Sacramento on

Does she happen to have any conditions going on like ADHD or Asperger's? Just wondering, because our son, who has ADHD, OCD, ODD and other brain disorders, was NOT affectionate when he was younger. As in, "Don't give me a good-night kiss, mom!" It was a huge deal for anyone to get a hug from him.

Now that we (knock on wood) have all of his medications perfect, at 11 he's so affectionate! He says, "I love you" all the time and gives hugs. Really, really turned around. It's hard to believe it's the same child.

1 mom found this helpful

M.D.

answers from Washington DC on

Some people just don't like to be touchy feeling, I don't see anything wrong with that. Even for me now it depends on my mood. Support your daughter in this. I would hope the other parents are telling their kids that it's not a problem and just to not touch.

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

A.V.

answers from Washington DC on

Perhaps work with your DD on using her words. There is a big difference in "get off me!" and "please don't hold my hand." My DD is very affectionate and I taught her to respect other people's personal boundaries. Don't hang on and kiss her friends. They don't like that. A wave or a quick hug is acceptable, depending on the friend. DD understood. DD's friend said, "Please don't do that" and that made it clear to DD what that friend's boundaries are.

If she really offended her friend, has she tried saying, "I like you and want to be your friend. I just don't like to hold hands. I'm not angry at you." You can also ask the teacher or school counselor how your DD might express this to that child. Sometimes it is also that child - my DD had an issue with a friend who could not read social cues, so the school stepped in to help the girls communicate.

ETA: If she is the same child from October, then you might want to take a look and see if this is an indicator of overall sensitivity to surroundings and if possibly she is highly sensitive or on the Autism spectrum. Was it being huggy (or not) or something else that upset the other girl?

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

M.L.

answers from Cleveland on

On the surface it's easy to say..some people just aren't touchy Feely. ..but I have a feeling there is probably a whole lot more to this. .either chemical/biological or environment. Your pediatrician can help.

For Updates and Special Promotions
Follow Us

Related Questions