Trying to Please Husband While Kids Are Awake ( Ages 5 and 9 Months)

If he can't understand that you aren't interested at that moment, then he needs a little Understanding 101 and to grow up and realize that life has changed. You have two small children now. There's a difference in being "awake" and being "unattended in a not safe way". If my daughter is still in her room, that's one thing. If she's playing or eating...save that thought. I literally have 5 minutes to take showers without her. When she was 9 mo. old? No way.

If he wants the chores to wrap up earlier to have more couple time, he should pitch in.

Who does he think he is Priapus? Let him learn that people with children can't get it on all the time?
Start setting up a time and a place. Otherwise you will be so distracted you won't even be there while the sexual contact is going on.

What do you do with the kids?? A 5 year old and a 9 month old? Neither of them can be unsupervised!! Selfish and dangerous. Hire a sitter at least.

D., you explained your side of this argument very well, but I wonder what your husband would say.

Has he always become upset when you decline? Meaning has it been like this since before kids, since before your 9 month old was born? If so then I have to agree he has control issues and is very selfish. Only YOU know the answer to this and we can all only guess….

However, if he hasn’t always been like this, but has been rejected SO many times, anyone would eventually start to feel unwanted. He NEEDS to react better though. We teach our kids how to control their anger and frustrations. He needs to lead by example. How often do you 2 kiss and hug? Do you show each other affection? That’s important too.

By the way, if I reject my husband he pouts but he certainly does not get angry.

You stated that “You want to have sex when you can take your time without interruptions”. Your husband wants sex when you can be spontaneous. BOTH of you need to meet each other’s needs.

If your husband is that anxious to have you, I doubt it would even take 10 minutes =-)

What you can do is put your baby in a playpen or crib, and put on your 5 y/o favorite movie. Tell your husband to meet you upstairs and get ready for you. Let your 5 y/o old know that you are going to the bathroom and to watch the movie until you get back.

As long as your husband is meeting your needs as far as having sex when it can be enjoyed without interruptions, then I would suggest you meet his needs too.

Your 9-month old crying and your 5-year old walking into the room are two valid concerns, sure. I think an even bigger concern -- for me at least -- is if you and your husband are doing it while your two children are still awake, then who's going to be watching the kids. Your 5-year old is a little bit more self sufficient by now but a lot can happen to a 9-month old in a matter of seconds when there are no adults around.

Sounds like hubby is acting like a boy going through puberty, not a husband and a father. He signed up for the fatherhood gig, did he not? He needs to put his needs on the backburner until the kids are asleep in their own bed (and safe) and stop giving you the pouty treatment.

Just my 2-cents.

Here is my opinion, I realize that I'm probably in the minority. My husband works the night shift, so my day is his night. If I waited until night when the kids were in bed, we'd never have sex. My children are 6, 4, and 3. All of them are now old enough to be left unattended if watching a movie or playing play dough. That's when my husband and I sneak up stairs to "talk" for a few minutes. That's what we tell the kids, "mommy and daddy need to talk without any interruptions, you guys stay down here." BTW we also have a house alarm that we set, so we know no outside doors are being opened. We can be confindent, no one is going out of,or coming into the house.
So, I'm thinking that if you put your 9 month old down for a nap mid morning and give your 5 year old an activity to do, coloring, painting, play dough, puzzle, that he can do by himself, lock up all outside doors and what not and then tell your husband you have 10 minutes of time to give to him. That should be pleanty! It will make him satisfied, and you will feel good about meeting his "needs." He will also feel like you took the time to fit him into your schedule. When you are in your room, LOCK your door. Your son is old enough to knock. Your 9 month old isn't going to be in any danger if he wakes while you guys are in the middle of it. Just finish and let your husband know that he is still important to you. Trust me, if you do that, you'll see he'll do a lot of other things for you!

Wow. Do you have to change HIS diaper too? How rude and inconsiderate!
And you're right, your children ARE too young to be left unattended.

wow, he sounds like he needs to grow up! if you can steal away for a few minutes into your room while the little ones are occupied and lock the door, have at it. but i don't think doing the deed while small kids are home and awake is a normal part of daily life for most people. i want a bubble bath with a glass of wine every day when the kids get rowdy, but it doesn't mean i do it!

Wow, it sounds like you guys are going through a rough time right now! You are a SAHM who is responsible for two little ones and the house, and your husband works AND goes to school full-time. You both work really hard, you both are tired, and usually men and women are the opposite when it comes to sex. When my husband is tired and stressed, he really wants to have sex; when I am tired and stressed, I really don't want to. But I do have to say, sometimes quickies are a lot of fun--as long as both of you are up for it and the kids are safe and won't hurt themselves (or each other). Do they nap at the same time? Or maybe you can have the 9 month old nap and put on a DVD for the five year old and try it then? We've done that before, when they were old enough that we knew they would be fine, we put on a movie, gave them some snacks, told them we were going to "take a nap" and locked our bedroom door. It was only about 20 minutes or so, but sometimes that was all we needed.

Talk to him honestly and say that you want to be with him, but you don't feel comfortable doing it when the kids are up and can interrupt at any moment. You can try to do it during naptime, but you have to warn him that it might not work out and can sometimes be more frustrating than if you just waited until the kids' bedtime. But definitely try to get a baby-sitter, maybe a friend or relative you trust who can take the kids at their house, so you can go home and have an afternoon or evening to yourselves to be intimate with no interruptions. Planning it isn't spontaneous and doesn't seem as fun, I know, but when you both are busy and you have two little ones, finding a babysitter once in a while and planning time for yourselves is really an important thing for you to do, for both of you as a couple. Good luck!

Just talk to your husband.

On the one hand I agree with the responses you've gotten so far if he's demanding intimacy *a lot* and making you feel bad about not accommodating every time. If that's the case, they're dead on and your husband needs to learn the safety and well-being of the kids comes first - for BOTH of you.

On the other hand, although it didn't happen too often, my hubs and I DID sneak off for a bit of fun even when the kids were around. Usually we made sure they were safely occupied or taking their own nap or something like that. Occasionally, it's fun to squeeze in a "quickie" (obviously, not when the 9month old is crawling around on the floor unsupervised or the 5yr old is doing a craft with scissors)...it kept things "interesting". There was still time for leisurely romance later when the kids were all asleep, but sneaking in some fun made us feel like we were back in college again. Sadly, it hasn't happened in a while...too busy and too tired...

Honestly I'm going to go in the opposite direction than most of these post! My sex drive went way down after having both of my kiddos and is now back in full force for the most part. So I say when the kiddos go down for nap then go for it! It will keep the relationship more interesting and will keep the spark alive! Most men do pout or get mad when they are rejected its natural!

I don't understand him getting "mad" when you tell him to wait. Are you notorious for saying "later, dear" and then not "fulfilling"? If so, then I could see him getting a little irritated. But, it is not an unreasonable request to ask him to wait. The kids are probably in bed no later than 9, correct?

Spontaneity is important - so every now and again, if you are comfortable, put the 5 year old in the bathtub while the 9 month old is sleeping and go for it! Ten minutes should get the job done! But again, he should never make you feel bad or guilty for not being up and at em at 6pm with two little ones running around. Try to be spontaneous other times - like on weekends. Send the kids off to a family member's house and surprise him! It simply sounds as if he is missing the "spark" - so bring it back, but on terms you are both comfortable with.

Good luck!

Your husband, sorry please do not take offense, sounds very selfish. He wants it when he wants it??? What about you? What's in it for you? No, I wouldn't do it just to please him. Intimacy is a mutual thing and if you are giving out of obligation (just to get him off your back) then you are just doing one more "wifely duty," in my opinion. When the children are asleep, take it from a mommy of 3 and pregnant with another, this is the BEST time to be together. Yes, at the end of the day, you might be exhausted, but you might have to take a nap during the day and you might have to structure your day so you are not doing so much to tire yourself out. Sometimes the weekend is also the best time to find intimate times together. In the past hubby and I would try to connect while the little ones were sleeping but by the time we both showered and got into into it, nap time was over for one of the kiddos and soon the others were knocking on our LOCKED door. No, there is no fun in that. I can see the 5 year old watching a cartoon but I would never leave the baby alone with the older child. Take it from my own experience: my older child attacked my baby for no reason (jealousy??) when they were left unattended one time when I ran to the store and my hubby left them alone for just a few minutes so he could use the bathroom. He came out and my baby's face (she was about 6 months or so) was mauled. It was horrible. So, no, do not leave the children awake together, unattended. Not worth the risk. Your husband needs to be patient with you. Everything changes when you become a parent. Finding balance is often the hardest part.

Tawnya M. is right on. In our home, when daddy ain't happy, ain't nobody happy! Goes for mommy, too and my DH gets that, too. :)
Talk and discuss what each of you needs in that department. Not right after you turned him down, though.
Unless he is screaming and cursing at you, it isn't abusive to get upset when you get turned down by your spouse. It is called normal frustration.

No, your husband should grow up and understand he's a father of young children and while I do believe and know our kids grow up and go away, yours and his are not going away for quite awhile....So dad get grip, put your family before your "urges" and enjoy intimate times with your wife when then kids are down for the night or spending time with grandparents, close family or friends. You might want to consider returning the favor for other couples who need a little "getting busy time" without stress.

Blessings...

Youre not wrong at all. My husband knows that we cant get intimate until our son is either napping or in bed for the night. Once in a great, great while, we will put our son in his crib for a 'rest' with a few books, and toys while my husband and I go to our bedroom for a quickie. But thats not that often. Usually, its when hes sleeping. If your husband gets friskie at a inconvient time, show him intamacy in other ways, like cuddling with him, and telling him how much you cant wait until the kids go to bed :)

put the baby down for a nap, the kid in front of a movie, lock the door and go for it! ignore housework and dishes and cooking long enough to keep a marriage alive! hubby and i will and have done this since day one. it keeps the spark alive. no the children aren't gonna be in harm's way if left alone for 15 minutes of loving. just make the rule that if the kids need you then off you go, away from him. otherwise, go get your groove on!

no you're not wrong. at all. i am angry for you. what an insensitive crappy father. he needs to grow up. you have a 9 month old. you don't need to be zipping off for "alone time". let alone like you said, the 5 year old interrupting you. it doesn't sound like anything WE say is going to matter to him. but yes. he's being an a-hole.

Ever feel like you have a third child demanding your attention and getting mad if you can't give it? That is what it sounds like to me. Guys don't mind the interruptions as much as we women do because they don't get that we are not light switches (can't just turn us off and then on again).

Wow! The guys probably not a total jerk, but he's definitely clueless. He sounds like one of those guys who discovers, after having reproduced, that having children means, GASP!, actually parenting!!!!! Sounds like you need to take a weekend at the beach and let hubby do your "wifely duties" around the house for awhile.

All kidding aside, he needs to take some ownership for the responsibilities of raising children, so he'd realize that, DUH!, a 9-month-old should NOT be left unsupervised, and he'd stop bothering you when you're trying to be the sole PARENT in the family.

Quit enabling him. Stop doing all the "wifely duties". Make him start parenting. Then he'll figure it out on his own, AND your children will actually have a FATHER for the first time in their lives!

I'm sorry this is so negative, but I think too many men are reproducing and not taking responsibility for parenting.

I have to agree with Kristin
There is nothing wrong with sneaking off for a quickie. I'll do it as long as I know later or with in the next few days I can get the take your time type.
If baby is in the crib/play pen and the 5 yr old is in his room occupied they will be fine.
Also if you REALLY don't want to you can go after him after the kids are in bed later the same day he tries something with you. To SHOW him that it's not that you don't want to it's just the kids. Men need to be shown rather than just told.

Is your husband 14? Seriously -tell him to get a clue! NO, you don't leave 5 year olds unattended with 9 month olds! Tell him you two will "get busy" after they go to bed, but when they're awake -not to aggravate you because it's not going to happen. IF there's a time you're at home when the 9 month old naps and the 5 year old can be mesmerized with a movie or something, then maybe you can grab a quickie -otherwise, wait until they're asleep! Make sure they have an appropriate bedtime as well. I'm amazed at how many people I know who don't put their babies and young children to bed until 10 or 11 at night. No wonder they're not getting any alone time or sex time! Not saying that's you, but if your kids are staying up late -make bedtime 8 or 8:30 and then you and your husband will have a lot more time to relax.

Sounds like your hubby got raked over the coals from this post. I just want to say that I am withyou. Wait til the kids are sleep so you can concentrate on what you are doing. Hubby can wait.

I remember have done some "quickies" before baby #2. But it was when we both wanted and not on his demand. Now what gets a women going could be different things, perhaps for you would it be for him to help you around, or to get the baby to sleep and give the toddler something to distract him, I don't know what ever gets you in the mood too.
Also, I agree with all the others, when you become a parent, your needs become 2nd, and while I am all for keep a marriage strong (for the good of the whole family) it should never interfere with the safety of the kids or the house...or the pet.
So I would tell him that love making is an act of two, and if he wants get busy during the day, you may open to "quickies" SOMETIMES "IF" he _____ (fill here your needs) and that he needs understand that this quickiest can stop at any moment if the kids need something and that many times they will not be possible, and is nothing less erotic that a man that can put his needs behind his own kids.
Period.
Hope he gets it.
For you, don't be h*** o* your self, you work too, and take care of the kids, if you desire a quicky, is ok if you let the house not shine so you safe some energy too, and if you just can't get in the mood during the day with the kids awake IS OK, you are not a machine or a toy.

No offense, but your husband is selfish and crazy. Have you ever asked him if he thought about what would happen if your 5 y/o walked in on the two of you? I wonder what his answer would be to that! Also, is your 9 month old walking yet? I doubt it. So you're going to let him crawl around your house, possibly falling down the stairs (if you live in a 2-level house)? Even if you live in a 1-level house, he still can't be crawling around the house unattended. I hope you husband doesn't think your 5 y/o is old enough to watch your baby, because he is not! Tell your husband he cannot have sex with you whenever he wants it because he is an adult with children!! He is behaving like he is not a dad. He needs to wake up and realize that he is an adult who is a father, which means he needs to be responsible. If he can't wait to have sex w/ you at night when the kids are asleep, he should check himself into a sex addition clinic. So sorry for you!

put the baby in the jumper, send the 5 year old to play and GET BUSY!! When I was with my ex, we found time whenever he had his girl over. Usually during nap or sometimes all i had to do was give him a few minutes of going down there and he'd be good till when he could have a lot more of it. Try giving him tid bits when the kids aren't looking.

lol!, i could have written this!