Trouble W/ Inlaws

M.,
Hello. You are in a really tough situation. If you feel that it's important to respond to her negative statements, it should come from your husband - it's his Mother and he needs to stand up for you. And trust me, she's going to take him a lot more seriously (than anything you may say). I have personally had to have my husband ask his Mother why she was choosing to be hateful toward me for no specific reason (she didn't like that and choose to no longer have contact with us - this occurred over 5 years ago & my daughter is 3 now). But, in the end while I don't understand her actions or reaction at all, I've learned we can't change others, we can only change how we view something. I understand it's hard to not be hurt by her words, but know that you are a good person and a good parent. She just has her story wrong, but she's entitled to her perspective (no matter how off it may be). It would be nice if she'd stop saying negative things about you and that's what I'd have your husband say because it hurts him too - she's attacking His family (you as his wife and the Mother of his children). She's likely to down play it with your husband, but he's the one that needs to set some boundaries with her - I would have him ask her to treat the Mother of his children with respect (come at it from a different perspective). It can be simple and hopefully she'll follow it, when she doesn't he needs to point it out at first just by saying, I consider that disrespectful. It will take time, you may not change her opinion of you, but maybe she'll at least treat you with some respect. I hope so. If not, just focus on your family - husband and kids. Best of luck to you.
~ J.

Wow! I don't think I could just sweep that under the rug. I don't even think an apology would work for me - she seems to be "jealous" of you or something. Maybe she feels like you stole her son :) But, I wouldn't put any effort into trying to have a relationship with them. I would be friendly when I had to be. But, I certainly wouldn't let me kids stay the night with them or anything - she could be saying horrible things behind your back that they might hear. I get a long great with my in-laws. However, my mom and her MIL didn't get along. My dad was in a car accident after they were married and she made different decisions at the hospital than my grandparents would've made if they were in control. None of us kids really had a relationship with our grandparents and it hasn't made any difference in my life. I enjoyed the time I got to spend with them, but I never stayed the night or spent any one on one - just the occassional holiday. I realy wouldn't try to be friends with her...and I wouldn't let her try to have a relationship with your kids. If I were in your shoes, I would play like nothing happened - I wouldn't make a big deal of it to your husband, it will just make things worse. I have had an issue with my SIL, and if I say anything about it then I am always the bad guy. Even though I haven't done anything wrong, and she has admitted to my face that she is jealous of me and her husband told me she flat out doesn't like me - for no reason. I'm nice to her when I have to be, but I don't try to make friends. Anyways - Good luck :)

Sounds like hubby needs to grow a backbone and tell his mom to knock it off. He needs to be the one to defend you and tell his mom to either be respectful of his family or don't bother calling. And, if she wants to have a relationship with the kids, the place to start is by having a relationship with his wife and to spend time with the kids on your terms. Probably won't work, but at least you will know you have your husband on your side instead of him sticking his head in the sand & pretending the problem doesn't exist. All you can really do is ignore the woman. If you try to fight this battle on her terms, you will loose. Tell her the kids don't feel comfortable spending the night, but maybe they would feel better about it if she spends some time with them when she is invited.

It sounds like you are going to have to sit your husband down and have a heart-to-heart with him. The Bible is clear when it says that "a man is to leave his father and mother and cleave to his own wife". My husband was a bit of a momma's boy and we had many arguments about it. We have been married now for a little over 12 years too, so there's been a lot of changes...mostly for the better. You need to be clear and explain that you and the kids are your husband's "family" now...he's not required to keep doing what Momma wants him to do. It's going to take him standing up to her and letting her know that you guys are his family and it's not his job to cater to her every whim. He needs to defend you to his mother instead of letting her run all over you. That was a hot spot for me becuase for a long time, my MIL undermined everything that I said and did for my first son when he was a baby...she just didn't respect and listen to me until my husband finally woke up and cut the apron strings to to speak. It may mean that this particular grandparent is not in the kids' lives too much for a while, but you seriously have to put your marriage first of the family unit will crumble. You and your husband have to be in agreement and with him as the spiritual head of household, it IS his job to tell his mother that she can no longer have her say in how HIS family will be run. I am sorry to hear about your trouble, my heart goes out to you. Good luck, hopefully this will be fixed soon!