"Tough Love" - Olympia,WA

It's worked for me. Had to use it with my daughter. She is now 19 and in college and working full time on wall street. I am so proud of her!

I am the adult who used "Tough Love" on my child. We actually ended up sending her to a behavior modification program. We did the whole let her hit bottom thing. but she just kept digging herself in deeper. When she was 15 she started running away. We live in the Chicago land area. we had to pick her up in Iowa and Nebraska. Finally hit the point where we were done. We had her put into a locked facility for a week. Then sent her to Jamaica to Tranquility Bay. You will hear good and bad about the place. My daughter will tell us it had good and bad parts. But she is the first to say if we hadn't done something she would have been dead. I'm not sorry we did it. It was very very painful. It had far reaching consequences. My daughter and my son who was 2 and half at the time were very close. We packed her up and sent her to the program and he stopped talking. Is there a scientific diagnosis that that is what caused it no but it happened at the same time. It helped us a lot in the raising of our other 3 children.

If my brother and my SIL had been given some tough love, they would not be totally useless today. They were enabled to become sociopaths and mooch off people in their forties.
Tough love works to allow real consequences and it allows people to learn to make better choices. People who spend their rent money on drugs don't need cash.

Well, Ephie, we've all heard the expression, but apparently haven't read the book! Maybe you can write a summary of it?

:)

The only "tough love" experience I've had was when I was about 28 years old, had two kids, a husband and a mortgage payment that we couldnt keep up with. I asked my parents for a loan but they told me I needed to refigure my budget and live within my means. I started working more hours at my part time job and hubby worked more ot, and we got caught up. It was a good lesson. I'm sure I would not have been able to pay back the loan if they would have given it to me, instead it taught me to be wiser with what we had.
Was I pissed off that they wouldnt give me the money? Yep. But I knew they were right and I got over it :)

My parents didn't need to use "tough love" on us, but I have heard of it. I think it can work if we are talking about the same thing.

I consider "Love and Logic" a form of tough love. I have used this with my kids and it works. No damage done.

it this for a child (age under 13) or a grown child (13 and over)?

What is Tough Love to me?

It is when you have a child over the age of 18 who cannot hack it on their own for whatever reason and the parent has enabled them or been their crutch for a while and finally they say "Enough" and the wallet or bank of mom or dad is closed.

For a child younger than that? I would think it means teaching independence...however, I think it should be used when the child keeps making the same mistakes and not learning from them...

But isn't it my job as a parent to teach independence? To show them, by example, how to be a productive and responsible citizen? To teach them to balance a checkbook, cook, clean and purchase groceries?

I guess I could have experienced this - I though it was because my parents were control freaks. I wasnt that bad of a kid compared to many of the others I knew. But in the end when I was 15 all I ended up with in my room was a bare matress on the floor. I had to ask for my blanekets, clothes, books, toothbrush or whatever I needed. They took my door off and nailed my window shut too. It didnt help, I think it made things worse and I still resent them today for it.
I ended up dropping out and moving away to go to college (at 16) with no support at all from them or contact. I didnt see them again until I was in my mid-20s. I worked 2 jobs and put myself through school, I have a grad degree and a really great career. I havent spoken to my mom in about 7 years and I like it that way. I am an only child, and I have a daughter now and have to say I would NEVER treat her like my parents treated me - never! I do and will continue to respect her and talk to her and guide her. If things get bad as a teen, there are loving alternatives..... I think Tough Love is basically for the parents - not the kids.

I have a "dough nut" friend (woman who inherited too much money and never had to work). She is devoid of common sense. Her 14 year old son smoked a little dope and she went tough love on him sending him off to one of those militaristic schools in the Oregon Desert.
What happened when he got out he did drugs and she sent somewhere just as awful in the southwest. He had an accident at the "school" and is brain damaged. He is a mess at 30. She should have just sent him off to his father who was much more sensible. He would not have used tough love.

What is tough love? Like, how do you mean it and for whom?

I am a single mother of 44 and my parents refuse to help me because they say I am not helping myself. I am sure this is their form of tough love but I do not play by their rules and march to my own drummer. I will not be their puppet and live my life the way they think I should. It is their form of control and I have dealt with it my whole life. I don't talk to them usually at all. We are in a different state and it is easier for me. They say making me suffer will change my attitude. I am strong and will make things work myself. I got my daughter in college and I can do it!! Not a big deal and this is not the biggest thing I have overcome.............

My son (16) told me that he was not going to do the dishes the other day. I told him that he needed to get out of my house if he could not contribute. He changed his mind about things really fast.

I am not a fan. Tough Love is h*** o* both kids and parents. There is enough tough situations in society, school, etc I really don't think it belongs in the family.

I think for young children it is never ever appropriate. For older children counseling should be the first resort. Tough love is a last resort and should be done under a counselor guidance. I really think that it should be done with love in mind.

I used in both my teaching and my family the theory of Natural Consequences. I advocate that instead.

In what circumstance?

In my day, tough love was kicking your teenager out and not supporting them until they got their act together. My ex had that happen, he is still messed up. A friend had that happen ( her problem was made mostly by the parent handing everything to her and not ever saying no to her). She picked herself up by the bootstrap and is a decent productive member of society now. Teaching your children to be independent, to know right from wrong, not to expect everything to be handed to them, to earn people's respect and respect each other, to take away privivledges is not tough love, it is a strong parent.

I am a firm believer in tough love. I was raised this way and it not only taught me personal responsibility, but it also made me understand my parents love for me -- that it's harder to be tougher, harder to be consistent and that their goal was the big picture. I didn't realize all of this of course until later...but some I did. They reiterated over and over again their reasoning and it stuck with me.

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