Topic Discussion Finished,thank You for Responses - Albany,CA

I do believe the word "ignorant" describes certain situations and it does happen. Some people arent capable of seeing "signs".
I would hate to judge someone because of their spouses indiscretions and be wrong. The ignorant victim should not have to feel double overwhelmed.
Yes, there are probably plenty of cases where someone "knew" what the other was doing and chose to selfishly ignore it in order to keep the lifestyle they enjoyed. But I wouldnt want to pick and choose who those people are.

Some people are very good at acting a certain way around one person and another way around someone else. It's just like poker. Some can play it with a straight face, some of us would give away everything even when we try not to. Look at it this way, we watch movies all the time and the people in those movies are NOT acting like themselves. They are good at it right? We can hate them or love for them or root for them or want them dead. If people can be so good at it behind the camera, they can be that good at it in every day life.

I would have to say that if someone wants something kept secret, it is NOT that difficult to keep it a secret. My ex-husband is gay-I had no idea, or would not have married him. This was someone I had known for 10+ yrs before we Wed!

It's not that difficult to make someone believe what they want to believe (in these cases, that they have a relationship with a decent, honest human being?)

I'm sure none of us want to believe it's possible, but I'm also quite sure it is.

Are you familiar with the "It can't happen to me" phenomenon? The self defense mechanism that tries to impart oder on the world... the one that assigns blame to others. Because if there is blame, there is cause, which means that WE can avoid it, if we're diligent. The classic example : THEY slipped because they were clumsy, *I* slipped because I stepped on an icy patch?

AKA there's something inherently wrong with THEM, but there was a REASON that it happened to me. It's just our minds trying to protect ourselves. Also kind of like the statistical fact that most people are murdered by a member of their own family. But we shove that aside at the dinner table every night, because we can't live in fear of our own families day in and day out. So instead, our minds ignore the statistics, in order to enjoy our lives.

Every day good actors grace our screens... we'll never know how many grace or curse our lies.

It may be a case of wanting so much to have the relationship and wanting to believe that everything is alright with your partner.

It may also be the case that the pedophile husband purposefully chose a certain type of partner -- one that may have boundary issues, naive and/or wouldn't challenge him.

There are all sorts of people in this world so it doesn't surprise me that a pedophile would be able to partner up with someone that is a good match for him and doesn't get in the way of his dysfunction.

There are tons of cases of this, so yes I believe it's very possible. You as an outsider may have gotten that feeling about him, but her as his wife loved him and probably didn't see what you saw.
On the flip side think about this....what if someone voiced their concerns about your husband? What if he made someone else feel uncomfortable ....would you believe them? Would you start to wonder?
Sometimes the hardest thing to see is the thing right under your nose.

I think it's very possible for a woman not to know what kind of things her husband is up to. There may be suspicions. Maybe not.
I know someone whose father had a complete different family. The wife may have had an inkling, but the children had no clue. They were adults when they found out. Half siblings and such......
You have to also consider what you would do if you were confronted over your husband being a pedophile.
What if you didn't know? What if you thought something was off, but never even considered things to THAT extent?
Would you need to wrap your head around being married to someone like that as opposed to worrying about what you admitted to other people?
Maybe the women had no idea.
Maybe they aren't capable of giving you an explanation that you require that makes sense to you.

There are plenty of decent women who find themselves married to monsters.
It happens.
Just saying.....

It's quite the phenomenon, isn't it? Whenever a person gets mauled by a dog, the owner is always claiming the animal had never shown aggression before in its life. I see children much too young to be left unsupervised playing alone in front yards or wandering out into the street. And you know...you KNOW...that if those children were to be kidnapped or struck by a car, their parents would sob and cry about how they had only turned their backs "for a second."

It's about culpability. People don't want to be held responsible for their own willful ignorance and neglect, so they lie to the authorities, the public and maybe even to themselves.

It's probably something you could spend a lot of time studying.

Having worked with both the perpetrators and the victims I can honestly say, yes I believe sometimes the woman truly did not know. Sometimes she does know (or have a feeling) and chooses to be oblivious.

I had a client I worked with for two years after she walked in on her husband of 10 years "making out" with her 12 year old daughter from her previous marriage. She had no clue that he had been molesting her daughter for years. She was angry and felt like a failure. She did everything she could to make sure he was prosecuted to the fullest extent, the relationship was over in that instant. She had thought for years how fortunate she was that she had found someone who loved her and her daughter, who chose to pay attention to and "be a father" to her daughter. This whole thing was intensely dramatic and horrifying for her.

A pedophile learns to be good at what they do so that they don't get caught. If the parents are around they groom the parents just as much as they groom the child. Do some reading on antisocial personality disorder. Some of these people are not only what society would call "evil" and "heartless" but they can also be incredibly charming and sophisticated at the terrible games they play.

If you had a very dirty secret and didn't want anyone to know wouldn't you hide it so nobody knew? I would. I believe these wives didn't know for sure and I bet some had suspected something. Pedophiles are gross, evil ,sneaky , scary people and are very good at keeping themselves hidden until a brave little kid speaks up or a very perseptive adult notices something.

My father was a pedophile and my mom had no idea. I knew, but she didn't. She loved him so much and he was such a good deceiver that NOBODY suspected him. He was not creepy and very good at keeping his secret. So, I believe it is possible to not know your husband has a second life, because I have seen it first hand.

Sure, I think it is very possible for someone to "hide" their true identity to their loved ones. Deception is a craft for some people. Of course there may be signs but I think it's possible for a loved one to shrug it off.

I also believe that sometimes, people are accused of things that they didn't do - Take the Fells Acres Day Care case, for example - and no matter what happens - whether the case is dropped or the person exhonerated, they remain guilty in the public's eyes for the rest of their lives.
That said, I also believe that people can keep secrets from one another. There are men who have 2 families and lead 2 separate lives (how they can manage that is beyond me!)... There are people who cheat and don't get caught...
LBC

I'm sure it's totally possible, some men hide things very well. But I think it is also very possible that these women are in denial or don't want to acknowledge that their husbands could do anything like this, or don't want to be humiliated by it. Similar to when a husband is a cheater and everyone in the neighborhood knows it and his wife may know it deep inside but does not want to admit. But with a pedophile there is no room for denial, if the wife ever suspected it and chose to stick her head in the sand then she should be prosecuted too.

Yes. Some people simply have no boundaries and what you and I find UNacceptable they don't because they are so needy. Hence not knowing or having a feeling about a lot of 'bad' people. I have friends who were married to alcoholics and didn't know (couldn't smell anything on their breath?), friends who had very flirtateous cheating husbands (didn't have any sense of why he came home all the time at 4 in the morning and didn't see his hands all over someone else in that FACEBOOK picture?) and ones whose husbands were just plain creepy in other ways. (All right there are women like this, too to be fair). So YES IT IS POSSIBLE. Be glad you have good instincts.

When you are a busy mother involved with making sure your chidren have lunch, clean clothes, and everything else, I imagine it is easy for a man to cover his tracks. If he has a lap top he is pretty safe. He hides his laptop and you will never know. If you are not expecting to find that behavior and are not looking for it why would you see it. That would be considered being paranoid to consider something like that. Of course after the fact you would be considered clever to have found it, but to imagine it and it to not be true you are paranoid. I do believe it can happen.

I think some women really don't know.
Pedophiles can be really sneaky.
There's a fine line between having a fantasy and acting on it.
I also think some women know and don't care.
There's been more than one case where a woman was actively helping.
Not all pedophiles are men.
There will always be some people out there that I will never understand.
Some ideas are so repellent to me I have no desire to understand the people who embrace them.
Pedophiles steal a child s innocence and that is pure evil as far as I'm concerned.

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I completely get what you are saying...How can they not know!!!!

I do think they can hide it. That coupled with complete trust and love can make us blind. I do think it is possible for the wife not to know but I also think sometimes they are just in denial. Some have even "looked the other way"...I don't get that at all.

People with mental illness often have double lives and can manipulate like no other. When I was young, I knew a man that had a different kind of look in his eye. I was not really surprised to find out that he had molested both of his daughters from a very young age. I think the different look could have been interpreted as a number of different things. No one really knows.

B., I have given this careful thought before answering. My own fater molested my sisters bot full and step but not anyone else that has ever come forward.
My step mother still refuses to accept it even though her daughters have had troubles and my sister offered to tke him out and slet with a cast iron fry pan to hit him with.
I was the eldest and really thought that I was the only one and was protecting my sisters. When I asked my own mother about it years later her answer was very honest and clear. By the time she was brave enough to get a divorce he had ruined any of her self esteem she'd ever had. She said she feared him so much she felt helpless and becauseof a learning disability she has she thought she was the one that was bad. I don't know if this helps but it may let oyu see from the victims and I do mean the wives as well side.

It apparently happens all the time. Look at how many women are unaware of incest happening right in their own homes. Sad, but I think, true.

Addictions, obsessions and mental illnesses are tricky things and pedophiles have a LOT to lose if they are discovered.

I know a family in which the mom had no idea.I wouldnt have a clue either if i did not know strait from the victims mouth of his behavior. Im pretty certain i would know and i wouldnt be in denial. But there are so many who are it makes me wonder.

that's a really good question that will probably spark a lot of debate. I've actually been debating the issue with myself. I first thought of course she would have some clue, but then again if he hid it well enough, perhaps she didn't. I think it has to go on a situation-by-situation basis depending on the relationship the husband and wife have together. Interesting subject!