The YaYa Sisters Strike Again

As someone who is older but also adopted I can tell you that it would benefit you and your children if you find a counselor that you feel comfortable with to discuss all of these issues. It has been invaluable to me and helped me to form healthy relationships and boundaries. Good luck.

I went through this very same situation. STICK TO YOUR GUNS, girlfriend! You're doing the right thing for your number one priority - YOUR family that lives under your roof! If you cave this year, the very same thing will happen and you'll be manipulated once again next year, or the year after. You have to start NOW to set the pattern of what's going to be. Your own child doesn't have that many Christmases to experience. This cannot be pushed forward another year, where more heartache will occur because they'll say, "Well, you made it last year and you had just moved!!"
Good luck.

Say, "Mom you know I love you and I miss you and I need you. You're my mom. But I also have my family dynamic to think about and it means a lot to us to work on building some of our own holiday traditions, just the three of us. We really want to go to our home church for Christmas services this year. We've never done that before. We really can't wait to see you in April. We are touched by Aunt YaYa's offer, but it isn't just the money. As much as we'll miss you this Christmas, we've just decided that this is what we need as a family this year. We can video conference (Skype is free!) on Christmas morning so you can see your granddaughter open her presents. Isn't technology great!"

And if she continues to pursue the idea of you going there, just repeat, "Yeah, maybe next year. We look forward to having the Holidays with you again." ad nauseum until she stops.

Stick to your guns. You won't forgive yourself if you don't. She'll be fine and in the end, she'll "forgive" you. If she's like my mom, she might even mention that she'll probably not make it until next year, then how would you feel? If she does, just dismiss that. No sense in giving in to emotional blackmail.

Enjoy your family and have a beautiful holiday!

Good luck and have a wonderful Christmas!

You wrote this long list of reasons why you are not going, but you really only needed one! You just want to stay home this year! That's good enough! Next year you can see how you feel, maybe you will want to go by then! They should not be upset or take it personal. I 'm more concerned with why you feel you have to come up with "10" reasons in order to excuse your self! That doesn't sound healthy to me! Maybe you are putting their feelings before your own? Thank them for the offer, and tell them that you are going to stay put this year. Plain and simple.

It is really selfish for her to be crying because she is missing one holiday. This is why my family has a very strict "we won't travel for the holidays - it's too stressful for the kids" rule. One side or the other is either turning on the waterworks or the guilt. Frankly, they've had their life and have gotten to live it as they chose, and now it is my and my family's time. This probably sounds very harsh, but we communicate very gently to both sets of in-laws. We do love them, but we don't want to be hostage to the holiday thing. All you can do is stress how much you love them, how this is the best decision for your family at this time, and how you will enjoy talking on the phone and trading stories/pictures. Tell your aunt the same thing. You might contemplate getting skype so everyone can see each other online. Oma would probably love it.

Good Morning W.;

Hey, just tell your aunt that you and your husband want to be
alone with your child (children) this year!
That the two of you feel that it is important that you create a home "tradition" for your selves! You can do that by email and not be nasty or hurting, just a simple fact!

I was a little lost on the adoption feelings! Apparently you were adopted late in your life! Since you didn't say if there were other siblings or you were the only adopted child! If you
are the only adopted child then apparently your adopted mother feels she needs YOUR love and thinks that coming home is away of showing you love her! So, just be nice and say
"Mom, I love YOU, but, we need this year alone"!

Have a Great Thanksgiving and Christmas!
B. C.

In the tone of one of the Ya, Ya's "stick to your guns honey" My family tends to gang up on me too to get what they want. And sometimes I'll give in but if you always give in it will never stop. Controlling, yet loving families, are geniuses at making you feel guilty for going against their wishes. But just keep remembering that you know what is best for your family. Your aunt offering up cash to travel doesn't solve some of the other reasons on your list that were non-cash flow related issues. Tell her she's sweet but tell give her the same list of reasons you gave your mom. You know your mom didn't share these reasons with her when she told her you wern't coming. She probably gave your aunt her version of what you said.

You did your best by trying to talk to your mom about why your not coming home. It's her turn to be the grown up and understand what you need. If she is that desperate to see you she can come to you for a change. And if you don't want a visit let her know that you will send her all the pictures she can look at. Harsh thing to tell what sounds like a very loving mother and family but you need to do what is best for you and yours. Christmas in Austin is wonderful! Enjoy it!

Stay strong!
Happy Holidays
Jen
http://www.mommysjoy.com

Hi W.,
Hang in there - I agree with everyone else - stick to your decision!! They will whine & complain this time... next time it will be a little less, and a little less. Until finally they get that you are a grown up.
We all have your back!
Peace.
T.

You didn't mention the age of your child. If he's very young, taking him away from familiar traditions may not be a good ides. Maybe he could use this year to get accustomed to the new place while haveing the warm and famliar to hang onto for one more year. Next year, after you've had a chance to explore and find out about local traditions and attractions he will be more receptive. How long would the trip have to be? Couldn't a couple of days be sufficient to visit everyone then return home? It won't hurt you to give a little bit this first year. And what is this "milk and cookies" thing? Does this mean your family is a little to tame(boring) for you? You say they saved you. Was it a close knit family? Remember, you have moved their grandchild far away and there's an empytness there. You owe them something. In time you can establish your own family traditions that include staying at home, but why not give in this first Christmas away?

I also do the four Christmas a year. It truly sucks and your right its not fun. Buy a gift, eat quickly, rush off to the next event. Before you know it your exausted and broke. I recently asked when can we start just having Christmas with out the entire family...aunts cousins everyone. My husband and I were talking about it and realized it dosent stop till the grand parents die! I mean our grand parents , it would be our sons great grandparetns. Its gotten totally out of controll. But we still must see them. I would love to only have Christmas with my husband and son. But think about when your child grows up and gives you that same phone call. Mom were not comming for Christmas. It totally would hurt your feelings that you were looking forward to Christmas and you child just broke your heart. Think about it in those terms and perhaps it wont be that hard to go this year. Even for the day.

Sorry you are having a rough time getting to do your own Christmas. When we moved away from family and had our children. We just stated that we wanted to start our very own family Christmas traditions and that we would visit other times during the year... If our families complained....they kept it to themselves...and they were miles away ... so it worked. Will be interesting to see what happens as our lst grandchild grows and others join... as to what they decide to do....At the present the three of our children all say they all have to be together at Christmas..... and we have been lucky enough to have it that way every since the first got married... except for the year my daughter and her husband were in Israel..but we set up a video cam and went through Yahoo messenger.. and kept on line while they opened their gifts.. and we opened ours from them. Did a lot of seat changing so the person unwrapping could be in front of the camera....but was enjoyable.......and they didn't feel so far away and left out..... The worse year was when my husband had already moved to Texas for a new job and we were still in NC.. and he wasn't able to come back for Christmas.. but the kids still wanted to put up a tree and have "our own" Christmas instead of going to Indiana and having it with the rest of our family.

Good luck..hope all works out for you.

Hi,
I am sorry that you are feeling so much pressure. It was nice of your aunt to offer the plane ticket. I'm sure it was done out of kindness and love. What it comes down to is, if you really don't ( or can't) go home, then do not go! Easier said than done I reaslize. But you are a grown person with your ouw family. THere is absolutely nothing wrong with starting your own holiday traditons for your child. Thank your aunt, remind her that you will be coming back "home" in a few months and will see her then. Also, on a more personal note, if you are having problems with being adopted, have you talked to someone? I was also adopted and did go through a rough patch for a while and found a councelor to talk to. It really did help, as well as locating my birth parents. ( that is a whole other ball of wax but if you are interested, I will share) Take care of yourself and do what you feel is needee for your family. Ultimately, as a mother, your mother will understand. I wish you the best
L.

Don't go. You are an adult with a family and home is where you live with them. Be polite, be firm and be happy. "Thank you so much, auntie, but we really need to be at home this year. We love you all and will miss you." Period. No excuses. No more explaining. Send flowers. Call on Christmas day. But start your OWN tradition.

Good for you, just say no! We are a military family and we use to give up our leave all the time to travel 10 hours away to do a whirlwind tour of our family's homes and then come back exhausted. Once we moved to Texas, I told my husband no more. Our kids should wake up in their own home for Christmas and we should be able to do what we want and explore our new territory. My husband's mother said not to worry about a thing and she would pay for all the plane tickets home. Let's face it, family is no vacation. We said no and hurt a lot of family but it felt so good to do what was right for our family. Tell your aunt the offer was very generous, but this year there has been enough changes and you are going to decline. You will be so happy you did! Say a little prayer before you call her and all will be well. Good luck!

Why don't you just take your aunt aside (figuratively) and tell her you really appreciate it, but that you are excited to have your own xmas with your own family for this year just as your mom had hers at her home with her kids. I think she would understand. Don't make it personal. Just say you want to do the whole nine yards yourself.

I'm so sorry you have felt out of sorts for all of your life. I'm not adopted, but I have thought about adopting, but wondered how it would be for my adopted child since I already have a biological child. I hope you find some peace with that one day. Have you ever seeked your bio mom?

Good luck with all of that!! Have a wonderful holiday season with your family (hubby and kids, that is)

Dear W.,
You already know what you want. #7. All those other reasons are justifications for why you want what you do. Your family members shouldn't require a multitude of arguments for why you want what you do. Respect for your choice is critical. It sounds to me like you need the break since you feel compelled to defend your desires from everybody else's perspective.

I have everything in common with you except being adopted. When you learn that you can safely, without recrimination make choices for yourself, DH and DD without a hullaballoo from parents et al. you will feel what empowered feels like.

My DH and I have been married for 32yrs and have 4 children. All our kids know that due to jobs situations, money, travel distance etc. we are just as glad to have Thanksgiving or Christmas the week or month before or after. It is the gathering of whoever can come that is important, not the specific day. I've told many people that I am just as thankful on a Tuesday in January as a Thursday in November. One yr my sister didn't get around to all the decorating she is famous for. I told her that her wreath did not affect the coming of Christmas, nor the Christmases yet to come. We got together and had sandwiches and chips not the whole turkey affair and everybody went right on.

The earth will not leave its orbit if you don't attend the family gathering. You are off the hook. Happy Holidays! C.
ps. The people who want you to jump through their hoops and you do, will continue to add more hoops.

why not invite your mom to share x-mas with your family?
If you have many neighborhood things to do , maybe she wants to join in?
good luck and happy holidays!

your best reason is that you want your family christmas to happen at your house. you are starting a new tradition in a new home! stand firm & happy holidays!

I'm in sort-of the same situation =) Except that my hubby's family lives about 20 min. away from my family and he has a lot of extended family nearby as well. I would rather not see my mother at all (sad to say, but the truth), but since he is deploying next year, I think he needs to see his family, especially extended family, before he goes. And his parents are helping us with more than half the costs of going home. So we will be just staying with his parents and only seeing my parents maybe 3 days out of the 2 weeks we will be there. I already dread telling my mother this, as I know I will get the guilt trips and the pleading for more time with them. But I'm waiting until I have made out a schedule so I can e-mail it to her, so there is clarity of what our plans are, and she will have to plan on only seeing us those days.
Anyway I thought maybe if you have other family/friends you DO get along with who also live nearby, maybe you could stay with them and just go over to your parents' house for the day? Or if your aunt would pay for a motel room as well? Maybe you could just plan on being there for a long weekend? But no matter what you decide, just try to tell yourself that you and your hubby and kids ARE your family now, and you have to do what's best in your opinion! (I know this is hard, because I struggle with the same thing! My husband is good at helping me to stand up to my mother though)
I really hope you can do what you feel good about and can feel confident in your decision!

Hi W.,

I'm an adoptee too, and though my holiday woes with parents are quite different, I can understand some of the emotional hurt that the adoptive thing can add to dealings with parents, or has with mine. For me, I found my birth parents over many years and have had a relationship with them -- we certainly do NOT spend holidays together or in any other way try to act like they were the family that raised me, but I am in touch with them and see them in person maybe every 2 years per side, and I do love them. Then there's my husband's family, who he loves and my daughter loves and who are fairly easy to spend time with. I have moved a lot in my life and my parents are divorced and were, while my mom was alive, living in different states and my brother, also adopted, and I mostly don't get along, so the question of when to spend time with who is EXHAUSTING -- and recently my father and his long-time partner, who are now living next door to my brother, responded to a photo I sent in a spirit of love, of me with my birth mother and birth father in the same place for the first time since before I was born, as a statement that I have acquired a new family and don't need them anymore. Anyway, I think where adoption and old, childhood pain are concerned things get very complicated and people can easily feel hurt and blaming easily feel very guilty. I agree with everyone who says stick to your guns -- you are doing the right thing. But I also just wanted to add that I think icky-prickly feelings are especially easy to have come up in adoptive situations for a range of reasons and perhaps most simply because wherever one feels torn between two identities or affiliations, for some reason that produces guilt. As i told my students the other day in a discussion of immigration and American ethnicity and identity, "everyone I know is bicultural and they all feel guilty!"

have wonderful holidays. Also, in terms of tactics -- next time you don't come, just give one good reason -- many reasons somehow invite the idea that the problem can be solved logistically, as Aunt Yaya tried to do.

MB

Respond with: Wow. That is so gracious and generous of you. We may have to take you up on that in the future. But, money isn't the only reason we can't come home this year. We do plan on coming next year. Thanks so much for the offer. We love you and will see you soon. Then leave it at that. If they pry, then just respond in generalities and change the subject. Plan on going back next year as you do need to keep that up often in honor of your parents, but it doesn't have to be every year.

Thank the aunt for the offer, tell your family that you will miss seeing them and that you love and miss them every day. HA.
The adoption thing is something that you need to work out, it is not a problem with them anymore than it is a problem with me and my granddaughter. Love is there and can not be taken away once given. Let them know that husband is waiting for the job business to start and that it should be anytime now and that he will need to be available at a drop of the hat so to speak. And because of all this you have decided to stay home for the first time. It will be a first for you also the first time cooking all the things your family thinks should be there for dinner and snacks etc. Have a good safe and happy holiday for you and your family where ever you are this year. Good luck.

Since your aunt emailed, I think it is totally appropriate to email her back saying that you really appreciate her offer and know that it comes from a good place. However, you are going to decline. You can leave it at that. Don't need to explain.

Enjoy starting your own new traditions. Texas is a whole other country and we do things a little different down here. The riverwalk is GORGEOUS at Christmas time. Enjoy getting to know your new neighborhood and the SA festivities.

As for the rest of the stuff--good luck with the financial adjustments. Times are tough and getting frugal and settled is commendable. Good luck with the transition for your husband. As for your feelings re: adoption, I encourage you (as others below did as well) to work on this. You might be able to find support groups that deal with this (therapy can be a wonderful plan, but it may not be financially feasable right now). Often there are groups (in person and online) that are increadibly supportive and therapeutic by connecting you to others in similar situations. Adopted or not, many people struggle with feeling alienated from their families.

Good luck and God bless!

I think you already have your answer. You need to be firm and stand your ground. You can't always pease everyone every year. We also believe firmly that our Chirstmas is here at our house while the kids are little. We usually visit relatives the weekend before and after. My niece and her parents live with my inlaws and has never had a Christmas alone with her parents. She does not know what Christmas is like with just mom and dad. Some family could alwasy come visit you!?? I wish you luck and will pray for your family.

Hello,W.

Sometimes our families make us feel uncomfortable but we must do what is best for us.Sometimes pleasing others can put us in place where we don't want to be.The only person that can make you feel happy is your self,so do what makes you happy.Don't let someone run your live by allowing them to make decisions for you.Sometimes we have to find ways to talk to family without hurting their feelings and making up things like you have to be home because your job is needing you to come in or something like that, will have to do.

Please let me know how it works out for you.

Please check out my website for Christmas ideas at
www.irenecandles.scent-team.com

____@____.com