The Neighbor's Kids

I am sorry you are dealing with this. I had this happen last year a 9yo and 4 yo who lived next door. I have a fenced in yard, but they would come in. It started with the 4 yo who would just show up alone in my yard. He was almost never supervised in his own yard and apparently got bored playing by himself and would sneak over even when we were not outside playing. Then his 9 yo sister started coming over. I would tell her it was time to go at times. I never spoke to the mother about it. It did bother me a bit, but I tried not to worry about it, they are not my kids and I just told them at times they had to go home. They finally moved away, so I didn't have to continue to deal with it. I would tell the kids it is time to go play in their yard, say you are having family time sometimes. Once in a while is fine, but not constantly. Things were different when we were kids, we went all over the neighborhood to play and visited many houses. Now kids can't do that anymore. It is a completely different world. When we were kids we respected adults and if we asked about playing there and were told we respected that. And people felt fine saying both yes and no. Anyway, sorry you are dealing with this, but i would try to start setting some boundaries at least with the kids.

There's nothing wrong with saying to the neighbor kids "Not right now Honey, we are having our family time today, maybe you can come over later..".
Do it or you will never be able to enjoy your privacy. The 9 year old should get the message after you give it once or twice. You might tell her that she needs to start asking her mom before they come over--- that might be the hint that the mom will get too once the daughter tells her they got sent home.

Ahh these are the dilemmas of nice weather, neighborhoods and other families' kids. It is one of the tough things to deal with when the kids are this age. I have to say I'm SO glad that stage is behind us.

Here's the thing - your kids probably want to play with someone - so when these kids are around most of the time they'll want to play with eachother. And while the other mom is clearly more interested in her garden, or whatever, you have to decided whether you'd rather have her kids at your house where you can know what's going on and can referee the situation, have your kids in her yard or house and not be able to know what's going on and lose control of the situation, or not play with them and see them hanging on the fence watching. Each day, or even hour, you'll have to figure out what you have the patience for. Our house became the one where the kids all hung out. I'd make hotdogs or mac & cheese for whoever was in the yard at lunch time - hand out cups of juice and lots of cookies & chips (whatever was on sale that week). There were kids in my yard who I met once or twice and never saw again - they were friends of neighbor kids. Did I love feeding every kid on the block? Not really - BUT I knew where my kids were.

This kind of thing is one reason I LOVED taking my kids to playgrounds / parks. I'd pack a lunch and snacks, bring scooters, sand toys, the newspaper or magazine for me, etc, and call my friends to let them know which park we'd be at. Sometimes we'd meet up with one set of friends, sometimes a couple, and sometimes no one but us. But the kids would always meet someone and "make friends" and be happy for hours. We had parks that were good on hot days becuase they were in the shade, others down at the beach, or by the harbor, others with long paths that were good for scooters, etc.

This mindset now carries through for us as parents of teens - we have to decide if we want their friends here, where we know what's going on and get to know their friends, or at someone elses' house where we don't know what's going on and don't get to know their friends. The first option is not as easy, it's expensive (feeding teens!) and tiring & messy - but better in the long run. ;o)

This parenting stuff is NOT easy. I really had no idea of how exhausting - physically and emotionally - it would be. BUT I would never change it back. I love my kids and my husband and I have said many times that they are the best thing that every happened to us (95% of the time - and then there are those other times....) ;o)

Good luck mama!

You are so lucky to have a 9 year old play with the 3 little kids. There will be things that are for her hard for her to handle and you would need to step in. Think of this as some help for you and fun play for your kids. You could go in and get some things done. It is almost like a babysitter, you don't have to pay for. Ask her to bring some toys with them, ask them to leave when you don't want company. Maybe they don't have much, or your toy are nicer. A 9 year thinks lets go play with the kids next store not what should we bring to be a good guest. You would never sent your kids over there if you think there isn't much supervision. Enjoy them when they are there there, your girls like to have friend. Congrats on being "the house" all kids like to play. It is nice when they get older and you can supervise, what they are doing. There is also one house on the block. Sounds like you're it. Know when to say it is not a good time to come over and time to go home.

I see this type of question a lot on here, how to deal with imposing neighbor kids. It's such a struggle because you don't want to be rude to the kid or make them feel bad, but at the same time, those kids are not your responsibility.

I, for one, am of the mindset that it takes a village to raise a child. Unfortunately, its a rarity nowadays. Most people want to stick to themselves and that is fine. I respect that. I certainly teach my children never to impose on other people because I don't want them to BE the annoying neighbor kids! However, when another child clings to us because their parents are less fortunate than my husband and I (and thusly unable to provide certain 'fun' opportunities for their kiddos), I gladly let them tag along, because I would like to think that other people would do that for my kids if I were in a situation where I couldn't provide certain things for them beyond necessities.

In the neighborhood I grew up in, the whole neighborhood was responsible for each other's kids. If some neighbor kids showed up, my Mom would call their mother just to let them know they were there. When they left, she would call just to let them know they were leaving there. And other Moms did that for my Mom. Nobody does this any more and I think it's very sad.

But that's the way it is, and even I don't feel safe enough to send my kids out into the neighborhood. But I do what I can for other kids who aren't as fortunate as mine because every child just wants to have fun.

As for your situation, I would let them know what times it is appropriate for them to come over, that way they are never imposing on you. If it's not the time you've designated, tell them "I said only on Tuesdays, so you have to go back home now. I will see you on Tuesday!" This teaches them to respect other people's boundaries too.

Good luck!

Set a schedule... :-) My yard tends to be a congregation point for all the neighbor hood kids... (I have 4 kids between 9 and 1) Everyone knows that EVERYone goes home during quiet time... There are times that I have to go in the house to start dinner or something and I will let MY kids play in OUR yard longer... BUT I tell the other kids that I have things I have to do and they need to go home... And since its always been the rule, they go... :-) If they for some reason didn't then they will not be able to come over again... Yes, its nice to have playmates, but also set the yard boundries. NOONE in YOUR yard if your not out there... etc. The kids are old enough to follow the rules. So have a meeting (include your kids so they know the rules... No going next door without letting mommys know, etc...)

Good luck and have fun! Oh, and make it a rarity for any one to actually go IN your house while kids are over... Other wise you will end up with a trashed house full of kids...

Say something now otherwise you will be wearing the ref shirt, trust me. I hear where you are coming from. I would just tell the mom that you don't mind her daughters playing with your children but that you can't supervise them the whole day. It's a hard place to be in, I end up in that position on a daily basis whether if it's in the winter, summer, on the swings, playing the /Wii, kids don't seem to understand how to take turns and parents will unfortunately take advantage of whoever they can. Stay strong!!!!

If you have not been clear to the mom, then she does not know that it isn't fine for her kids to play. As far as she's concerned, you don't mind that it's a big community back yard, and you don't mind watching everyone, since you're watching your own kids anyway, and her older daughter is "helping".

That's how she sees it, even though she is wrong. This set up has worked out very well for her.

If you do not want to be driven from your own yard to the park for fear of the neighbors, you have to roll up your sleeves and model some boundaries for your kids (just look at it that way). Decide HOW OFTEN you feel like watching her kids, if ever, and what you want the dynamic to be, and then lay it out for the mom. you're not doing anything wrong by explaining your rules for your kids and your equipment in your yard. The only blunder is that it wasn't addressed up front, so now you will seem like it's personal. Just clarify that it isn't. Call a "Yard Meeting", lay out your terms in the sweetest tone of voice ever TO THE MOM, with the 9 year old present so you can include here, like, "So sweetie, be sure to ask first before you come over because some days you can and some days you can't" so they BOTH hear it.

Worst case scenario, that mom will think you're huge b____. So what? You're not. Continue being "cordial". Doesn't sound like you have a treasured relationship to endanger.

She may be nicer than you think and just thinks everything is fine how it is. Or she may be an evil slacker who wants you take care of her kids. Either way, state your case and don't feel bad.

I am not a confrontational person, so me I wouldnt say anything to the mom. but I would tell the 9 year old "its time for you to go home" if you dont feel like watching her kids..
keep in mind you could get sued if her kids get hurt on your playset. A few times of doing this, the other mom should see a change in the daily routine. if she calls you out on it, I would just say that "it gets hard keeping track of so many of them and I dont want them to get hurt."
Sadly some people are sooo clueless and dont understand how they are overstepping THEIR boundaries on your property and then have the balls to get upset when you say no.

This happens to me All. Of. The. Time. aaahhhgggrrr! There are some kids who even come over asking for just a snack! They don't even want to play.

My son is nicer than me and will give away his popsicle on a hot day to the hungry neighbor kid if I let him. So I've learned to nicely tell other kids to wait on my kid if he is playing w/or on something they want. If they don't like it, then I tell them "I'm sorry! I'm sure you have alot of toys at your house. Maybe you could go there?" And then I go about my business.

I know, that sounds mean, but seriously, I have kids over alot and I have to survive or else they will run all over me. I have to balance my kid's generosity w/making sure other kids are respectful of his stuff/time and the only way to do that is to stick up for my kid in front of them...in a nice way of course.

I agree 100% with Amy J. :)

Tough one. I think you may need to gently set a boundry with the neighbor girls. One rule I have is that neighbor kids cannot play in our yard if my girls aren't out there playing with them. There were times I would come home to find children as young as 2 on our swingset with only a 4 year old sibling. Just not safe! I'm sorry, your neighbor should know better than to not say anything to her kids if they are just helping themselves to your toys on a regular basis. And although no harm in a sandbox, a 9 year old is much too big and shouldn't be trying to fit on 3-5 year old toys, they might break. I would not allow my kids to do that with other people's things. Can you tell the girls to please wait until your girls come out to play before coming over and using the toys? And also that they need to please ask first if they may join their play, because while some days are perfect for playing with neighbor friends, you aren't available to have them over every day. Some days you have other friends over, and some days you like to enjoy a little "just our family time." Then your kids will also get to have some say in when they want to play with them, and when they've just had enough. I'm sure the neighbor doesn't think her girls are any burden because the 9 year old can supervise the younger one, but that still doesn't give them the OK to impose on you every day, that's just not good manners. And I would make plenty of plans to be busy going places and having other friends over too. Sometimes the every day thing just becomes a habit for kids, and you have to force the routine to be broken up. That way the neighbor kids will be forced to find a few other things to do as well.