Terrible 4S - Chandler,AZ

I've been in this exact situation before. I did, ultimately, make all play dates at my house so that I could have more control over what happened. We didn't have a biting issue, but there was occasional kicking, lots of screaming and tantrums, and definitely a lot of dangerous jumping on furniture issues. I just held the line that we didn't do those things here, that he could do those things at home by himself if he wanted. I also used the opportunity to try and drill into my daughter about how it's ok not to ride along with everything that's happening around her. She was only 3 at the time, but really seemed to understand it when we discussed it. I did occasionally "catch" her, at my friends house, doing what he did, but she also was aware that she was caught and was really only acting in a way she had been told she could act by the other parent. (This is when I started insisting we play at my house). I will say that in the long run, my friend's parenting style caused us to drift apart. But I will also say, that her son was eventually diagnosed as ADHD and that I regretted not making a bigger effort to support her, or encourage her (more than I did) with him. They still play together and I try to love him unconditionally, because I think every child needs that, but I do watch the play carefully and remind him of his influences on my younger children (the kids are 9 now). I think with divorce in the picture, that surely has an influence on his behavior. Perhaps you could even gift her with a book on children's behavior during a divorce. Good luck!

In my experience, parents get very defensive about their children and there are so many different parenting styles. I would decrease the time spent with them to a few times per week and open yourself up to meeting other people. It is good to have other playmates for your children as well. When your children are playing together sit near them or with them and use those moments as "teaching" moments and don't react to the other children, but if your child does something inappropriate you can teach them at that time, for example,"We don't grab toys" or "We don't bite other people", etc. We all want to socialize and Moms needs that, believe me I know, but if we teach them how to socialize with others from an early age, they will be more successful later on when you can't supervise playdates any longer. If the 4-year-old does something harmful, like bite or hit, and the MOm doesn't say anything, then you have the right to say something like "Please don't hit", etc. That is not acceptable and should be delt with.

You need tl talk to her. If you are friends then you should be able to do this. The conversation should be had w/out the kids there so you can get emotional together. I am sure a ton of it stems from the divorce/crazy home environment. For me it would be a conversation along the lines of have you seen any changes in the kids since the chaos errupted? Or what are you doing for biting, ignoreing, tantrums etc? I see it is getting time for me to go thru it and I need ideas and keep it an open dialogue of compare/contrast and if she says Oh we just ignore it ask how do you think it is working for you? And then say is the reaction I SEE of "xyz" typical or is it just when you are out and about is that difference to be expected what do you think? No mom wants to hear they are doing things "wrong" by anyone's standards so I think if you approach it as you are wanting advice from her and asking "hard hitting" questions in a nicer way you may get a better result from the conversations ... expect multiple conversations on this that appear to be updates from her on how things are going. You can accomplish a TON more if you spin it just the right way!

Biting at 4 years old is pretty scary. That behavior in children is usually seen in toddlers who are still working on their vocabulary skills to express their frustrations. It sounds like he needs to be given an outlet for venting his stresses. I would see her less often if you are concerned about the influence on your child. That is the best thing about being a SAHM, I think, is the absolute control you get over outside influences those first few years. You don't have to compromise as much and work on acquired behaviors and the other stress that comes from other kids due to child care situations, etc.

I think you can still be her friend and see her every once in awhile...but to hang out everyday is excessive and is definitely teaching your boy that this behavior is okay, unless the other mom is willing to do the work it takes to change the behavior. I guess I would also wonder what the mom's reaction to all this behavior has been while you are there.

I think if the two of you are as close as you say then you should be able to talk to her. You don't have to tell her that you are worried about his influence over your children right away. Talk about how you think he may be acting out and ask if THEY are ok. Then she won't feel attacked. Divorce is hard and children are smart and very sensitive to the emotions of others. Hope it works out so you and your friend can still have each other.

I don't think this is the "terrible 4's," I think this is the "terrible divorce effects." Another child damaged.

Don't have any advice other than that.