Temper Tanturms

The 3s are really the tough age. Twos, just get the publicity.

Be prepared to teach the same lessons over and over and over again.
Find a parenting philosophy and stick with it. Right now you seem like everyday it's a shock she is behaving like a 3 yr old. Read, read, read about this age.

If she refuses to eat, she gets hungry enough to eat supper. If she throws her toys, they get put up for a while. If its all her toys, oh well. But do be clear. When you say, Behave, she needs a clearer road map. Like exactly what she doing wrong. And exactly how she can fix it. Otherwise, she will think SHE is bad not her actions.

Read to her, give her the language she needs. Find times to catch her being good. Foster a close relationship. Keep rules simple and few. Do play with her and enjoy her, make time for her.

The word "Behave" is very abstract.

Better to use exact words for what you want and need her to do.
"Use your words."
"We look with our eyes, not with our hands. "
"You hold my hand or we are leaving."

"I can tell you are becoming frustrated. Do you want me to hold you or do you want to sit down?"

Three is a tough age even with good language skills. Their emotions are running on high and on edge all of the time. They are great physically, but not emotionally or verbally.

You guide them and when they just melt down, you need to remove them from the situation and either give them time to cool off, or place them in a place so they can get it out of their systems.

You need to observant and be able to give them the words for what you see coming.

"I know you want to run, hold my hand for now and on the way home, we can stop at the park for you to run."

"We do not run in the house. When I finish with these dishes, I will take you outside to run."

"You need to be soft and gentle with your toys or they will break." "Play nice with your toy or I will put it in time out."

I" cannot understand crying. I am putting you in your room."

"Your toys are for playing with, not for throwing. "You can throw the ball outside""

"Books are for reading, not for throwing."

"Soft and gentle when petting the dog."

"I can tell you are frustrated because you cannot get the dress on the bear, may I help you?"

Each time she does hold it together, sits well in the basket, holds your hand to walk in the parking lot.. tell her you like how she is holding your hand. You like her words. You like her soft and gentle touches.

Children learn the correct behaviors a lot quicker with positive words.. than with getting yelled at for doing it wrong..

If you think it's hard to deal with this now while you're pregnant, wait until you're exhausted with a new baby. Her behavior will be worse.

You have mentioned here that she isn't the best talker and is repeating your remarks to her. I urge you to call the ped and ask for an evaluation with a speech therapist. Even if her enunciation of sounds/words is age appropriate, a speech therapist will check her language understanding. Both receptive (what she understands) and expressive (being able to express herself) are very important.

She is frustrated, as are most 3 years olds. But frustration turns more hard core when there are language or speech problems. Throw in a new baby on the way, and it's a mix for major upheaval. Get a grip on it now by getting her evaluated and some help on the way.

Meanwhile, when she starts this stuff, get your face right up to hers and say "Use your words". In front of her, wait for her to try to tell you. If she's screaming, quietly say "I can't understand you when you scream." If she still won't try to talk to you, THEN put her in her room. ANY toys that she throws at the door need to be gathered by you and "put in time out". Tell her that the toys are in time out because she threw them. Tell her that toys don't like being thrown. Put them in a box and put them out of her sight. Pretty soon, there will be NO toys in her room. She will have to earn them back with good behavior. That's the point when you can say "Remember, I told you that if you want to earn your toys back, you can't scream at mommy." At the end of the day when she has held herself back by listening to your reminder of good behavior, give her 1 or 2 toys back. She probably will not throw them again.

I would not put her in time out anywhere other than her room or the car when you are away from home. Strapping her in her carseat and standing outside of the car "reading a book" ignoring her is the best way to deal with struggles away from home.

Don't take away dessert as a punishment. Give dessert as a reward. Give TV as a reward. "You listened to mommy's words today and did what mommy asked. You may watch one TV show/have dessert/etc." That way she sees positivity rather than negativity.

It's okay for her to cry herself to sleep. Until she knows you mean business and she is not allowed to act like this, it's best that she is in her room alone and working this out on her own. Too many different consequences, threats, etc as you try to figure out her "currency" just makes her try more different things to freak her tired mommy out. Don't let it. When she won't stop despite your warning, you can say to her "You must be tired, so you need to rest in your room." Don't let her come out until she is behaving, and when you DO let her out of her room, make sure if she threw her toys, you take care of that.

It's not dumb to feel awful or embarrassed about our kids having tantrums in front of the public. What's important is that you don't cave into what your child wants and that you remove her from the public so that they don't have to listen to it. Even if it means that you walk away from your cart, get her to the car and strap her up and let her cry. When she is finally done, say in a strict tone to her "Are you ready to try again and do what mommy has asked you to do?" Then take her back in the store and continue shopping. Even if you have to do it 10 times (shopping boot camp), you need to show her that you mean business and that you won't let her run roughshod over you.

It will get better if you are 100% consistent.

Good luck!

Well, my son was the KING of tantrums ... lasting up to 3hrs sometimes and that would be multiple daily. Turns out he has a few special needs that were causing them. I am in no way suggesting your child has any special needs, simply expressing the amount of experience in the matter.

Ignoring them is typically the best bet. Sending her to bed because of one or other bad behavior; not a good idea. Bed time should not be a punishment or consequence. I agree with keeping the tantrums to her room, we did the same (still do actually, but now it's like once a month), when he throws something I quietly open the door and take the item and put it in the time out basket. With out a reaction from you the tantrum will become less of a "go to" tool. Once she calms down a discussion of the event and alternate actions can be helpful.

Her ignoring, backtalking etc. TOTALLY age appropriate - BOUNDARIES are being pushed and you must set them. Time Outs do not work for everyone - they just do not. What works for us is putting the item that caused the poor action in time out. When it came to the back talking we discussed better word choices. Again, things that worked for us - may not work for you. I do, however think that most of what you described is pretty age appropriate, firmness and calmness helps and let the tantrum happen in a safe place.

Time out will work, but you need to make her do it. Just bring her back and start the clock over. Do not engage her, just bring her back. It is exhausting, I know. I've been there.
Speech therapy might be in order. Get her tested ASAP!
Language skills are more important than you realize. They will effect how she deals with and how she understands people for the rest of her life.
You need to set the rules and the consequences. If you throw toys, the toy gets time out for one day. If you yell, you get time out for 3 minutes. If you run away from me at the park, we will go home and you will no play with your friends.
It will get worse before it gets better.

I have two kids. My son was like this at age 3...it was so hard. I'd just be firm with him. I'd put him in his room to calm down. We'd give him consequences and he'd flip out and have the hugest temper tantrums. Every time. He was always very good for other people though, and still is. He was a great talker...like a small adult at that age, so it was not that. He even had made up cuss words he would call us. Yes, he would get a consequence each time that he did not like and eventually he stopped. It just took time and being consistent with him. He's 9 now and overall he has been a very hard child. He's very very stubborn and smart. He's so much better now than he used to be though. Any smart parent would not judge you. Any smart parent would realize that you are doing your best. Things that we used for consequences when our son was three (that he HATED so I knew I'd picked the right things) were no dessert, no play time w his best friend, no movie or cartoon, no favorite toy (it would get taken away and he'd throw a FIT like he was dying. He had to earn it back a few days later with really good behavior), and time outs in his room. He would scream in there for almost an hour and kick the door and throw toys. If I could go back in time I would make sure we were very black and white with him...never gave in...I don't think we did but it's hard to remember. I sometimes think back, was it us? Did we do something wrong? I don't think so but who knows. Now our daughter is 3 and she is at that willful stage. But she's SO much easier. She is how I remember many of my friend's kids being when my son was 3. I think she just has an easier temperament and wants to please more than her brother does. She seems so darn easy to me. I hate to tell you but if it's just your child's personality this is going to continue for a while. Just sit her down and tell her what she is allowed and not allowed to do and what the consequences will be. Then always be very consistent.

I agree with Doris that her speech issues may be making this worse. I would definitely talk to the ped about a referral for speech therapy, at 3 she should be able to talk fairly clearly and understand, repeating back your words isn't where she should be. My son is just 2, but when he gets into the midst of a major meltdown I can look him in the eyes and tell him to "use your words" and it reminds him that he CAN indeed use his words to tell me what's wrong now. It sounds like she is getting really frustrated, and communication problems could be the root of it. Good luck!

She isn't being naughty. She is being 3. Please do not see what she is doing as being naughty, This is a natural and normal stage of their development, where they exert independence. The most important thing to do is to maintain a good relationship and to not create an enemy by being too authoritarian. Pick a discipline philosophy, and stick to it. Being consistent is key.

Also, I've found that walking away and removing the audience (you) works great at this age. They still really want to please you.

Also, please don't threaten. The key is learning how to offer up choices that you can live with. One of my favorite phrases is," when you have done X, then you can do Y." If she resists, you then just say,"let me know when you are ready," and then walk away.

But mostly, ask questions like Laurie wrote, and don't threaten with consequences. They don't really care at this age about those things, they are too much in the NOW.

Did she give up naps recently? I ask because my son did this when he was about that age and I finally figured out it was because he was overtired. He had given up naps so I gradually worked on making his bedtime earlier. The tantrums were fewer and farther between.
He STILL has issues with being overly sensitive or grumpy when he doesn't get enough sleep and he is 10!!

http://www.babycenter.com/0_how-much-sleep-does-your-chil...

Very typical for 3's. What worked for me was a chart (I drew up) with stars or stickers, etc. She'd get one for everytime she didnt misbehave or scream for a determined set of time... like at breakfast or at a store. Then when she had 5 stars across she'd get some little toy from dollar store, or an extra story at bedtime. I had been doing time outs and all of that and the behavior wasn't improving. I decided that rewarding good behavior instead of always noticing bad behavior worked better. She is now a very well behaved 5 y.o.

Back to Basics Discipline by Jane Campbell Matson. It worked for all three of my very different kids including my toughest. I never let a tantrum go for more then a couple of seconds. I never ignored one or let it play out in a time-out or a room. I stopped it and the warning was heeded after that.

Hello!
Looks like you are on the right track with time outs and consistency. I am working on similar issues with my 4 yr old and started reading "how to be behave so your pre-schooler does to" by Sal Severe. Pre-schooler is defined here as 3-6 yrs old. I picked up some great tips already and if nothing else am learning that this is completely normal and overcome-able. He also organized the book so we do not have to read it front to back, but can jump to what we need most first. I am reading about not listening right now... :) Good luck!