Teenagers - New London,NC

Hi S., I know how you feel my 12 yr old step-son started living w/us in December. At first it was a rough start but now he's settling in. The one thing we realized he needed was a lot of male attention. His mother said he was a behavioral problem and his grades were awful. She and her husband couldn't control him and didn't know what to do. After just six months with us and a lot of one on one time w/dad he finished school with all A's and B's and on the honor roll for the first time in his life. He has not be a behavioral problem at all for us. He just needed some male attention. Maybe all you son needs is some one on one time with step-dad. Fishing, throwing the ball a movie or just lunch. He might just have some guy stuff he needs a man to talk to about. Out their are big brother programs you can look into. Try getting him into a sport were he can have a coach to look up to. Just keep trying don't give up on him. It's going to get worse before it gets better. I'll be thinking about all of you. Good luck.

I feel sorry for you..... My 15 yr old son has not gone through this as of yet, but my 13 yr old daughter is starting to have some kind of comment everytime we tell her something. It's like she has to have the last word on everything. She has slowed down some, because she doesn't like have things like the computer, phone calls, and TV taken away from her. So far I have been lucky with my 11 yr old son, but he is just starting middle school, so we will see.

I have two boys, one 16 and one turning 12 in July. It's a challenge daily with no bio-father in their lives but my fiancee' is taking an active role in their life and it helps. Just encourage your mate to spend more time with the boys and it will help steer them in the right direction. Also, don't slack up on them, YOU CAN SHOW NO WEAKNESS, when in comes to children boys or girls expecially teens. If they get out of line punish them, don't except any back talk from them and limit their hang out time that hurts more than taking away the tv as punishment. Take care and good luck.

A really good read is Stephen Covey's Seven Habits of Highly Effective Families! I think the advice will help you keep up your relationship and stay, mostly, on the same team throughout the teenage years. For instance, instead of raising your voice and telling them how aggravated you are at their behavior/attitude- which is likely well deserved and sometimes hard to not react that way- spend some time with them doing something they like and, in conversation, tell them you need to talk about something more serious. You are really concerned because lately they've been behaving like (whatever) and that's not like them. What's going on? It implies that you know they can do better and hopefully they will rise to the occasion. OK, two sentences can't explain the whole book, but it does give a new perspective on how to handle family issues.

My oldest is 11 and starting the 'tween attitude, but I am sure it's easier to preach on things you haven't been through completely! Good luck to you and all of us!

Twelve is usually the age that it hits. Besides raising kids, I taught middle school for several years. Even if you say the sky is blue, a 12-year old will argue with you.

When my oldest hit this stage I found a few strategies that worked. The first is to never argue with him. It's hard, but arguing accomplishes nothing. If he persisted, I asked him to go to his room and think about it until he was calmer. I also kept my same limits in terms of friends, media (computers, TV, games, etc.). No TV or computer in the bedroom. You have the right to decide what movies, games, and books he can be exposed to.

Once in a while, when he's cooperating, you can ease up. Just a little. The best time to talk is when you're driving because it's non-confrontational. I've had some good talks with my sons that way.

It would be great if he had an actively-involved father or stepfather, but you can do this. Even though my husband is close to our boys, I still did most of the parenting when they were 12. And that mother/son bond is a good thing to rely on when times get tough.

One more thing. Boys this age love flattery and usually fall for it. Tell him you need someone strong to carry the groceries or help with a box. You need someone tall to change the light bulb or put things on a shelf. It works. He feels good about himself and you get some help around the house.

Hold on. You'll have a few more years when he prefers friends and lets loose with careless remarks. Then, when he's 16 or 17 or 18, he'll be your friend again, and your protector. Let him.

And remember whatever you go through with your oldest, the younger boy isn't far behind. Hold on and enjoy the ride!

P.S.--My oldest is now nearly 26 and the father of two. In another ten years he'll have his own puberty wars.

Teenage boys are tough. Our teenage boys are ages 18 and 16. What specifically is the problem? What are they doing? What is the behavior?

Boy Scouts. Boys approaching their teens need male leadership, and it's very important for them to find the *right* leadership. Ideally, this would be their father or stepfather. Your husband does not have to be lost. There are lots of excellent books about boys' growth and development; try the library or bookstore. Michael Gurian, James Dobson, and John Eldredge are great writers on this subject.

You could also see about talking to a counselor who could help you and your husband learn what to expect from adolescent boys and how best to manage the typical issues.

Best wishes! I five sons (14, 11, 6, 4, 2) and they're a challenge!

C.

Hi,
I have 4 boys. Two of them are 11 and 12 currently. My advice would be to have his friends over or get him to invite some friends to go do something fun. I am with them when we do this but more of a fly on the wall. I have done this with my boys and it really helped our relationship. I think that they thought it was neat that I would facilitate it and in turn they really opened up more. Plus, if you get to know their friends they will be more apt to talk to you about them if they are having any issues with them.

Can I tell you first it does not get any better when they are actually teenagers. I have a 14 year old boy who is going through the same thing, my kids also have a step father that is clueless, he is more of the crack the whip and the world is a better place, however I lived with parents that did that and when I got my first little taste of freedom it was "PARTY" and I don't want my boys to be that way. I want them to experience life and have a happy childhood. Their dad is however a big part of their lives and I try to explain that to my husband but he doesn't understand that. I have actually thought of divorce because he really makes my 14 year old miserable. This probably doesn't help you but just so you know you are not alone. Everyone says that this is just a phase and soon my son will be out of it hopefully this is true. Good luck coping and God Bless!!

S.,
Seriously I don't know what your faith is but PRAY!
Also demand respect and your DH should enforce that without hesitation.

Make sure you buy nothing that is NOT "NEEDED" as they might not have the work ethic you would want for them.. make them earn the money for the 'extra's' that they want. It will save you a heartache later when they are older teens expecting a hand out.

Motivation... make sure too S., that they have responsibilities around the house this can earn them money even a little or chores as I have found out the lack of motivation will result in being on the PC, watching TV, or on the phone... and not getting a job or finishing school...

Make sure they know what YOU and YOUR DH values... school, hard work, furthering their education etc..

Don't allow back talking in any shape or form.

Restrictions too help at this age. If you dont' find something that will work now at 11-12 it WILL ONLY get worse.

I know, I have one that is now 19 and have a few stories to share. He isn't in a gang, or getting high but the motivation for him to do anything is not there.

If you want to talk further please PM or email me.

Hello S.,

Well I don't have boys but I have girls. I've already went thru that stage with one and now going thru it with my youngest daughter who is about past those issues as she closing in on being 18. If anything, the hardest has been to learn not to take anything they say or do personally as it is just a phase. Learn to pick your battles, ignore the little stuff and remember it's just parting of growing up for them. Don't lose your temper as this only feeds the problem. If anything, when their pushing your buttons, SMILE. :) You'd be surpised at how a smile in an argumentative situation can turn it around (sometimes). Walk away if it's out of control, explaining to your son that when tempers have calmed you all will pick back up on the discussion and figure out a solution to whatever the problem is. Not sure what rebellion issues your having with boys. Girls are more mouthier than actually doing rebellious things. Or at least ours has been. They knew better than to push it too far.
Wish you luck.
P. E.

Hi S.,

I just want to send some encouragement. I have 3 stepsons, ages 9, 13, and 16. We went through some HORRIBLE times with the 13-yo for quite a while (over a year) and I really thought on more than one occasion: This is it - he'll never return to his sweet, loving old self. It was very difficult for us. But after a lot of pain and aggrevation, it passed, and we are back to "normal" - whatever that is for a 13-yo. Now we are having issues with the 16-yo, who used to be so sweet and loving. I guess my point is, these are phases that children go through, and while your surrounded by lightning and thunder at this moment, if you peak your head out above the storm clouds, you'll see there is a glimmer of light ahead. I think we went through the storms of the 13-yo so that we'd be more prepared for the 16-yo's issues. This go-round, I do not feel as "lost" in what to do. Just take a moment to breathe some deep, cleansing breaths and keep on loving them no matter how hard they seem to want to make it. This, too, shall pass.

Keep your head up,
~Elizabeth

Keep them busy. We have found that with our 13 year old the more has going on the better he seems to cope and he is too tired to have an attitude. There obviously needs to be a balance as it still requires you to cart them to the activities. Find out what they love right now even if it is not what you may think is typical. Our son loves acting and he/we use that as an outlet as he can express himself in a positive manner. He also enjoys running. He and I use that time to talk about things going on in his life and it keeps me in shape too. I would say that your husband needs to find something unique with the boys as well that can be time for them. Again, as an examples fishing, a particular sport, working in the yard. Those are all opportunities to engage them in conversation (which sometimes may seem one sided) but go a long way to devloping better relationships and getting you through the rebellion. Real life consequences as well for those behaviors that are unacceptable. I think restricting privelages is still valid at this point but make sure you use it appropriately. We still have our son write letters to explain what he did was out of line and how he can control his temper or whatever it was better next time etc... what his consequence should be as it makes him work through the process on his own instead of just hearing us say it. I hope some of these thoughts help.

Get the book "The Heart of Anger" by Lou Priolo. ***Excellent*** resource!

You might enjoy a book called "Suddenly they're 13: A Parent's Survival Guide to the Adolescent Years " by David and Claudia Arp. It really helps you to celebrate the teen years and loook for ways to make them go more smoothly. If your son is really angry, you might try "The Heart of Anger" by Lou Priolo. It helpeda friend of mine with her son.

I am not at that stage yet but imagine I would take away certain things that they like when they have an attitude. Don't get overly upset giving them attn, just tell what the rules are, they are to abide, and if they do not...her are the consequences. Have a family meeting night, tell them all of the great things that they get to do now, their rewards, things they take for granted that you do for them daily, tell them that these things are going to be taken away if they do not start showing you respect. They are under 18 and you do not owe them anything other than a roof over their head and food. If they have a cell phone, xbox, etc, tell them that if this behavior continues it will be taken away. If they want to disrespect you, you will disrespect them. You want a good relationship but will not tolerate their behavior. Be serious when you tell them, no distractions, etc. YOu do not have to drive them to sports, movies, time with their friends, etc. Then, YOU have to stick by what you say. You have to prove to them that you mean business and that you will not tolerate this behavior. You have to be the one who delivers the rules, your husband can be present but he cannot enlist rules or try to enforce them without you. They will not accept it from him and honestly it is not fair that you expect them to. (heard that on Dr Phil... :o) ) Be calm, talk one level, monotone, tell them the rules that will be enforced and that is it....if they do not abide, that is it, lose privledges. Good luck! W.

Hello S.
Welcome to the teenage years!
I wish I could tell you that there was a simple answer to this but brace yourself because your boys will be going through 'a stage " for the next few years.
I talk from experience because I have three boys,all grown up now and they too were as different as chalk and cheese.
All I can say is that whilst girls go through that akward time of puberty and their are bodies changing ,hormones kicking,well boys go through a similar experience.
You will find that one minute they are angry then the next thing they will cry at a drop of a hat .So a little patience and understanding goes a long way.
Punishing them by removing all of their favourite things doesnt work either.All that does is make them more resentful and angry.Of course there has to be rules and they have to know that there will be consequences if they are not followed through.Mine were made to do housework! And they hated that with a passion!
Personally I went into best friend mode with them and just had quiet moments where we just sat and talked.Did nt have to be about anything in particular,but it formed a bond and my boys soon learnt that we could talk about anything and everything.
As for your husband,okay so he never had children of his own,but he was a 12yr old boy once,surely he must remember what those years were like? I know that you are their mother, but he has to understand that he is their role model.Your boys are looking to him to learn how to become future men,fathers and providers.Maybe a boys day out would do the trick!
Best of luck
A.

taking away privileges seems to work well. kids now a days cant seem to live without a cell phone, mp3, tv, video game etc. all of these are privileges, and none are needs. a teen with no phone, no car, no privileges, cant get into to much. good behavior should earn you reward, and poor behavior should loose you privileges.