Teaching Daughter About Teamwork When Her Teammates Need to Be Taught

First of all, 7th grade is usually the first year for school, team sorts. You have a mixture of kids that have been doing this for years, so they have great "team spirit" and your have those that this is the first experience. I would not have your daughter respond to them personally, middle school girls can be MEAN! I would e-mail the coach and set up a conference and give specifics to your daughters experience, not to the whole team. It will go over better. Don't accuse the coach of not teaching good sportmanship, they might be doing the best they can with what they have to work with. It might also just be a bad mix of girls. I have been a teacher for many years and have seen a child one year be a real disruption in one class and the very next year, not be a problem at all. I wish you luck.

I have an 8th grade girl. We have witnessed first hand how MEAN some of the girls are at this age. You have received some good advice.

The girls are establishing their "place" within the cliques, etc. My daughter is in cheer and and you can obviously see 3 cliques within the group of about 20 girls. At our school you have the preppy's, skaters, and nerd/geeks

Our theory here at home is: She is going to be around all types of people as she grows up and she will have to learn how to get along. When she is with friends (or non-friends) at school or home, the interaction between the girls is like rough stones rubbing together....eventually they smooth out.

My daughter is one that has friends in the skater group and prep group and she is not really associated with a specific group. The stories she tells me about what some girls are unbelievable. Some of them are so spiteful and downright mean.

She is stressing out now over the halloween party she is planning because she knows she has to keep some of the girls separated, therefore, some are not invited just so the party can be a success.

As for self-esteem, I strongly agree with martial arts. My daughter achieved her black belt 2 yrs ago. The discipline, structure and self esteem works wonders. She uses her black belt knowledge in her daily life. One of the traits she tells me a lot is perserverance. She has a poster with that on her wall to remind her keep on going when things get tough. Her other one is "Never Give Up."

I admire you for being there for your daughter to help her through this. Middle school is tough socially and these kids need mom and dad more than ever.

TF

It does seem that the coach would be the one to talk to, and if that didn't work, I would pull her from the team, and possibly look to privatized sports teams, which do not have as much of the natural 'hierarchy' that happens with middle school girls, particularly classmates. Her self esteem is at stake, and no one is immune to cruelty. As a teen, I found martial arts to be my best physical outlet. I learned to defend myself, to stick up for myself, gained confidence, and competed both as an individual and on a team. Only great sportsmanship is tolerated in most martial arts schools. Good luck to you.

We are experienceing a lot of this same behavior on my 9 year old daughters Club Soccer team. There were 2 birthday parties this weekend and 3 of the girls did not get invited. My daughter was one of them, it hurt her really bad, but after she tought about it, she did not want to hang out with them any way. I was very please she went to the coach and told him it was effecting how the girls play on the field. He addressed it and said, We are a team! We play together on the field and off the field. You invite the whole team or none!
Then he told my daughter to keep up the great work and he will be looking at Captians very shortly and she has the leadership skills and dedication he is looking for.
She said last night at practice she told one of the girls "Good Job" and she looked at her funny, as she continued, the other girls slowly started it too. Please keep us informed as to what works for you on the JR High Level.

Our experience has been that there are always going to be girls who behave like the one you described (at school, at work and throughout life). You can talk to the coach, but every coach is different and unfortunately, not all of them are good at encouraging good sportsmanship. Your daughter and her friends on the team should get in the habit of encouraging each other and their teammates during practice and at games. It may seem awkward to them at first to tell a teammate "Good try!" when a bad play was made, but eventually it will become second nature and everyone will benefit. Good luck!

The problem is with the coach. I would suggest you talk to the coach about the situtation. Team sports means the girls have to work together, support each other, and respect each other. And if that doesn't happen you don't have much of a team. It is the coaches responsibility to see that it happens. It would also be benefical to talk to the other moms who have daughters on the team to see how they feel. My daughter plays all kinds of team sports and has for many years.(volleyball, soccer, basketball, etc.) She is your daughers age and is very competitive and plays with other competitive girl. We have been lucky because none of her coaches has ever allowed that kind of talk on the court/field. I would not suggest that your daughter act like the other girl/girls on the court. I would tell my daughter to be the encourager on her team and maybe the other girls will follow her good lead. Good luck.

This is pretty typical 7th grade stuff---but I think I would have a discussion with the coach. Since you mention this is the "lowest" of the 7th grade teams, they probably don't get a ton of attention from the coach----you conversation with the coach may help that situation.

Perhaps you could volunteer to help coach the team???