Suggestions for Disciplining Screaming

I agree with L S, I have and do tell mine in a whispery voice that I can not hear them or understand him/her at that pitch.(i get down to their level so they have to look at my face and see my lips moving but don't hear much of a voice,I usually make expressions like I am trying to understand what it is they are telling me.) Usually just talking very quietly, calmly and slowly tends to slow them down and tone down as well. I have put them in their room with the door shut, for temper tantrums not deserving. Just be consistent with what ever you try and don't give up after 2 or 3 times, keep at it, It is so important to keep at it and give it time than to try something new after the first time or two..they learn early on,and will keep doing it. Good Luck.

K.,

At this age it's all about discovery...what does my voice do, how loud can I yell and why is it wrong if I do? Are probably what's going through your little guys head. He knows you don't like it, but he most likely can't imagine why. He's not doing it to be defiant or testing you to make you break, but learning how/who he is and what he can do.

Not sure if it's in a tantrum form or if he's just yelling for no reason, but with my son I use a very soft almost whisper voice and say 'Mommy can't hear you when you yell' while cupping my hands around my ears. I follow up with 'Once you use your indoor voice, we can talk'. I love talking to my son, he's learned so much from my explaining things to him and the other day when I was washing dishes and he wanted something, he said 'Mommy we talk'.

Timeouts don't work with my son, and I have fallen in line with what they do at his preschool. Redirection, losing privelages and explaining through words/actions. It works for us and since your son is very capable of expressing himself he might just need a little explaination and consistent redirection from the action of yelling or being too loud. Most of this stuff is just a symptom of the current age/stage of exploration.

Good Luck!

Okay, sure a screaming toddler can be irritating, to us.
They have all sorts of reasons for screaming.... so pinpoint what the reason is.
They are either: tired, frustrated, hungry, because they cannot yet do what they have imagined in their heads, because their coordination/motor skills are not like how they want yet, because their emotions are NOT yet developed, because they are also getting new 'abstract' emotions which they do not yet understand, they are becoming more independent and flexing their sense of self etc.

For me and my screaming kids (LOL), well I react/trouble shoot it per the situation. Not all 'screaming' means they get scolded. I don't do time-outs to my kids myself, but I do time-outs with their toys. Time-outs on my kids, do NOT work.

Sometimes too, a child is just experimenting with their own voices... they do not yet know or understand subtle voice inflections/innuendos and what they mean. And sometimes they just think it's funny.

My kids both have trumpet voices, whether or not they are happy or angry. But, I will 'whisper' to them, to calm them down... or when they are angry... or just yelling for no reason... and often, this will work and I tell them to copy Mommy and whisper too. Then, it changes their 'mood' and triggers another more palatable behavior in them.

BUT, also at this age, you can begin to teach them about 'feelings' and expressions and how to constructively react to it. (ie: "Even adults get angry... but we TRY not to take it out on others. If you need to yell, you can go in your room.... or hit a pillow. OR, you tell Mommy you are angry and I will help you...") I taught my kids about emotions and the names of it and the expressions for it, at this age. And they then could tell me how they feel... thus, deflating bad moods. But it takes time, and repetition.

Just telling a kid "no" does not always work.... they just tune you out. So, try a toy time out.
BUT, sometimes a kid just has to get their yah-yah's out... and screaming is a way they do it. Getting out their pent up whatever. Or, make a game of it, or play Simon Says... that is what I do. Or, encourage them to SING...instead. Thus, teaching them DIFFERENT ways to use their naturally loud voices.

My kids have such naturally loud voices... I can't make them have muted voices. It's just the voices they were born with. So I just try and redirect it... or, if they are being "naughty" I do the toy time-out. And, I kneel down to their height, whisper, and direct them to what I want them to do. Then they deflate.

Growing pains. It will pass believe it or not. My kids are 2.5 years old and 6 years old... I go through this too.
BUT, I do not 'punish' for 'happy' voices even though it is loud. Its a tolerance thing, and my wanting my kids to grow up with robust ability for expressing themselves. And they DO know when and where certain voices are appropriate or not. For instance, when in a store or at home.

*adding this: at certain times of the day, I just KNOW that my kids get more 'yell-y". They are getting out their yah-yah's. So I let them. After that, I KNOW they will calm down and not yell. Also, at certain times of the day, it is "quiet time." My kids know this. It is a DAILY 'routine', so it is enforceable, with just my telling them "quiet time." It takes practice and repetition.

All the best,
Susan

As always there is some great feedback to your question from the others. This behavior can certainly test the patience and seem difficult to redirect. Since a large part of parenting is about teaching our children more appropriate ways to behave by redirecting their behavior, you may be able to redirect it to a less "ear piercing" behavior and have a little fun in the process.

When your children begin to scream, ask in an engaging way if they know how to "Quiet Scream". Then offer to show them how. To show them how, make a face as if you are screaming at he top of your lungs, but you do not make a sound. The funnier face you make the more engaged they will become. Then ask your children to try it. When they do you can praise them and laugh together seeing who can "Scream the Quietest".

From that point on you can redirect the behavior by reminding them to try the "Quiet Scream". At times you can say, "It looks like we need to practice Quiet Screaming." Then teach them in the same silly way as before.

Children will naturally get loud as they are having fun and this strategy has limitations. It can hopefully be another tool you can use to redirect your children, help you stay calm, and have a little fun.

W. Youngblood
http://www.williamyoungbloodmft.com

my daughter whos 2 does the same thing! its soooo irritating. what i do with her is remove her from the situation (if out in public). if we are at home then i make her goto her bed and sit there. if it get really bad i give her a swat and that usually snaps her out of it. my husband and i are trying to despoil our daughter and its really hard. good luck.

K., With my own daughters (ages 7.5 & 9.5 years old), and with the children in my at-home preschool, I have had amazing success with "Loud Time" as a way to help them understand appropriate voices. There are so many situations in which we ask/tell/expect our children to be quiet, and we need to allow them time to be loud. It helps them express themselves, burn off energy, and be more agreeable when we ask them to tone it down. I have found it to be a great way to help young children explore and understand the way they express themselves verbally. I also participate in loud time - it's great for me, too, and it makes everyone laugh together. Should a situation arise when they are being loud and it is more of a quiet time, I remind them that loud time is at 10:00, or after snack, or in the car after dance class. That way, I am not always telling them to be quiet, as I never want them to feel I am taking away their voice. Like Deanna & SH, I am very aware of my own voice level. If one of my children starts yelling, just getting loud, I ask her, "Oh, is that how I sound? Am I getting too loud?" and that helps her think for a minute about her own voice, and then it is her choice, not me correcting her. Peace to you, B. C

K.,

He is releasing energy -- why should there be any punishment for doing that? Rather that tell him "no screaming" you can say yes to the screaming, but ask him to move it out of the room, because it hurts your ears. And then let him know that you can;t understand him when he screams, and that you ware ready to listen when he is ready to talk about it.

The more you react to the screaming in a punitive way, the more it will not work to stop it.

No punishment works to change behavior, by the way. Punishment only make the symptoms (the behaviors) stop out of fear of reprecussion. There are unment needs under the behavior that your son needs help meetings. And if you take the time to find out what they are, you can help him use successful tactics (rather than hitting and screaming) to meet those needs. And then he will become a better person, and you will have a happier household!

I highly recommend Alfie Kohn's "Unconditional Parenting," as well "Your Two Year Old" to understand ages and stages.

Lots of Love,
Linda

www.RivieraPlaySchool.com

Hi K.:
I totally agree with SH and Deanna.Both my sons,and my Grandson were (SCREAMERS)They didn't just do it when they were mad.They use to scream,when they were real excited and happy to! I think we'd all agree,that the high pitch shrill can definitely be piercing at times,however if we understand better why they do it,we'd be less apt to be agitated by it,or punish them for it.whether they are screaming because they are frustrated,or screaming out of pure happiness,nether is good reason to discipline.If a child is reprimanded for trying to express himself,he may very well become more of an (introvert). Fearful of consequences for displaying his feelings. Teach him to try and express himself more with words,as an alternative to screaming. Sometimes,merely telling him (You Understand ) will make him feel relieved.Let him know,that even big people get agitated,or extremely happy.Just tell him there are better ways to let you know.Be assured,that the better he communicates, the sooner he'll realize that he has no need to scream.Save the discipline,for REAL discipline problems.He's not being defiant,or mean.He just wants badly to get his feelings across.I wish you and your darlin boy the best.J. M

About the only thing I can advise is that you need to talk soothingly to him when he does this. It will take much, much patience and practice. Time outs are the option when he doesn't do what you ask. You can ask him what the problem is, how can I fix it, but that he has to talk to you with words (even though he is learning) and that screaming means you can't help him. So see if some of these things work. It is definitely just time based and repetition.

let me preface this by saying that yelling and being loud is okay, but there is always a time and a place for things. but yelling at your parents when you want something or when you're upset is a NO NO, always. so my advice is for that kind of yelling.

keep doing what you've been doing. stay consistent. and add this:
when he yells. put your hands to your ears and show a painful face and say, "ouch! you're yelling hurts my ears". than say, "when you're ready to talk to me the RIGHT way and use your nice voice, mommy and daddy will not be listening to you.

and you can also (don't have to always) walk him over to time-out and say, "stand hear and think about it and when YOU'RE READY to speak to me the RIGHT way, i will let you out of time out. the reason why i say, don't have to always put him in time out for yelling is because you will be getting a lot more yelling before things change. And if you keep on sending him there every single time, it could actually backfire; he may become desensitized to it. Just do it when you think it REALLY counts.

before excusing from time-out, always ask, "are you ready?" are you ready to speak to me gently? are you ready to..<whatever the issue is that got him sent there in the first place>. that way, he feels empower that he's making a choice as to when he is ready. but technically, you're in control because he's not allowed out of time-out until he's ready...(hope that makes sense).

let me add one last thing: just because you can change the behavior doesn't mean that you've changed the HEART. It will only end up being a temporary change. It's important to talk to your child and explain to them what's appropriate/acceptable and why..even if they may not understand everything right then. They will eventually as they grow. So please don't just ignore them. Sometimes it's okay to "ignore" because you are exhausted and you need a break and get away. But go back and deal with the issue. And reach your child's heart so that when they end up doing something good, it's because they feel in their heart it's the right thing to do. And not just a temporary change to avoid punishment.

Hi K.,

Have you tried ignoring him when he screams? Sometimes my kids keep up a behavior because it gets a rise out me. Another idea is to start whispering when he screams...sometimes that can stop the screaming because they try to hear what you are saying. Also, when he does use a nice voice or tone, make sure to give positive reinforement like telling him you like when he uses his big boy voice. If these ideas don't work, I would absolutely do the timeout. I know how hard it is when other siblings are modeling the less than acceptable behaviors. My 14 month old imitates my 3 and 5 year old a lot so I try to work with the older ones on showing the younger ones the good behaviors. The screaming is a tough thing to endure...hang in there!

Hope this helps!
A.

Hi K.,
Quick suggestion, put him on time-out in an area where he cannot be heard by everyone else. Tell him unless he uses his inside voice that he will spend his time-out away from everyone until he learns this. When he stops his screaming, move him to his normal time-out area.

I am the mom of 3 children, 1 SAHM, 1 doctor, 1 underwriter. My method of discipline was to count BACKWARD. Most kids know that parents CAN and WILL go beyond "10" but there is no number after "1" so the parent would HAVE to do something. My youngest (the underwriter) confessed that they lived in fear of what would happen if I reached "1".

The point is somewhere I did get it across to them that there are some things I would not tolerate. Screaming was one of them. If screaming is unacceptable to you, treat it as you would ANY behavior that is unacceptable to you.

Remember, your job is not to be your children's best friend and "understand" their annoying behavior, but to make sure they will get along with a world that won't love them no matter what--as you do. Thus pleasant behavior is an absolute "must" that they need to learn.

My son is going thru that phase right now. He is 19 months and has a VERY outgoing and strong personality. I tell him that it hurts my ears when he screams and when I say this to him I say it very quiet so he has to really listen to what I am saying. If he continues to scream I do put him in time out often not saying anything. I look at him with my "no way" look at then put him in time out. After about a minute I will go back and explain to him why he is in time out. If he does it again, I repeat the same thing. I think that if you nip it in the bud now it will get better quickly as that is what i have experienced with my son (but all kids are different). My son is talking pretty well for his age and when he gets frustrated I ask him to show me what he wants. he will usually grab my hand and lead me to something or somewhere. I think the most important thing is trying to communicate with kids even though I know it can be frustrating.

My children do this as well. So when they scream, I send them up to their room for a "cool down" time with the door shut. This isn't a time out. The child just can't be with other people until they are calm. I tell them that screaming hurts people's ears so they have to stay here until they're done. When they're calm they can come out. If they do it again, they go back in.
This has worked for me and I don't have to scream at them toget their attention. I just pick them up and put them in their room.