Stessed Out Mom, How About You??

Oh, sister I have been in your shoes!! You're going through arguably the roughest period of your entire life with all you have on your plate. I have walked that lonely mile.

My story; I was plagued with panic attacks when I was working full-time outside the home with three kids, one of whom was an infant, LONG commute, long hours, a perfectionist (male) boss who drove me into the ground with his micromanaging, a daycare center near my home that demanded I pick my kids up by 6:30 p.m. Between a manager who pushed me to stay as late as possible at the office (no particular reason, he thought it made me look like I had more work to do if I stayed late) and a daycare center that fined me $1 per child, per minute that I was late driving home through one of the WORST commutes in the SF Bay area I was getting squeezed from all sides. My husband, who is a police officer, was working long hours in a specialized unit at night, and was also himself extremely stressed out, was never home at the end of my work day. My 2 1/2 month old baby kept me up 2-3 times per night every night. I was so exhausted all the time. It made me feel like I was a single mom. I could go on and on and on. Needless to say I read your letter and I can clearly identify.

Warm, understanding hugs. ;-)

You need your family to help out more, but they won't unless you ask. They need to understand what you're going through and they need to help. Start with your husband and your teenager. Your husband will be more open to it than your teenager, but you need to insist that your 14 year old daughter help out at home. Of course she will resist, even claiming ignorance ("But I don't know how..!") I know it may sound funny to you right now, but your 14 year old is old enough to prepare meals. They don't need to be gourment meals, but something as simple as grilled cheese sandwiches, soup, and sliced up fruit will work as a weekday meal. She can also help out with laundry. She can also change diapers and pick up around the house. Give her an allowance for helping take care of things at home, even paying for individual jobs like cleaning your bathroom or cleaning the patio. And very soon she will be able to pick her siblings up from daycare!

Mothers and fathers have counted on their oldest children to help out with their younger siblings for millenia. The rules still apply today.

Sit down and have a heart to heart talk with your husband, not attacking or accusing, but explaining what you're going through and that you really need his help a little more (or you're going to explode!). Tell him you miss the one-on-one times with him and would like to get that back. We are creatures of habit and it's difficult to change the existing schedule, so be prepared for a least a little resistance. But something in your schedule has got to give. Start with small changes that would make your life just a little bit easier. Maybe that means bringing home Boston Market or Kentucky Fried Chicken one night a week when you're both working. You'd be surprised at the lift you'll feel with just a few small things taken off your plate.

Immediately plan a date night. Explain to your family that you are on a runaway train and desperately need a little down time. They don't need to take the kids for a whole weekend, but even just two or three hours so you and your husband can go out for a quiet dinner in an elegant, relaxing restaurant would be a great start. Be aware, though, even getting away for just a couple of hours won't completely de-stress you. I found that I was so wound up and chronically stressed all the time that even alone time at night in bed with just my husband it was really hard to unwind and feel completely relaxed.

You're so stressed out and caught up in the swirl of things that you can't see the forest for the trees! It will take time to come down from the tension and anxiety levels you're experiencing because you are so amped up every day. You're just used to it. The most important thing you need right now is to get some much needed sleep, even if it's only one or two days a week. You'd be surprised by the mental uplift you get from waking up rested!

You can count on your 14-year old daughter to help out in the mornings on YOUR weekends when your husband's at work. Even if your little ones wake up during the night (boy, that's a whole other 'can o'worms), you should be able to sleep late on Sundays. Let your daughter know how much more relaxed and happy her mom will be if she gets up with her younger siblings and changes and feeds them for just a couple of hours on Sunday mornings so you can get a little sleep. Remind her that you were up with them during the night while SHE was sleeping. Make her your ally. Reward her for doing this for you by taking her out to get a mother-daughter pedicure, or something she would enjoy.

You need to do some things just for yourself. I know how hard that can be - I now have four children and run a business. I take time for myself by reading a good book at night, having a glass of red wine with my dinner at the end of a long day, lighting candles and putting on relaxing music while I work on my computer late at night, and corresponding with other people professionallly (with my colleagues) or personally by going online and doing just what I'm doing now ;-).

I share your pain. I'm a single mother of 3. All girls, one is 10 and a set of twins that are 17 months. I'm very stressed and don't have anytime for myself. I can't get any house work done and my days seem very long. I work full time and then come home to take care of them. Like you, I adore all of my children and I can't see my life without them. I don't have very much family so my help is limited. By me being a single mom I can't really hire any extra help. I'm already spending enough money on daycare so I can go to work. So you are not alone and I know that doesn't make anything better but I'm using this as an opportunity to vent as well. The only thing I can suggest is that you hire some extra help so that you can get things done around the house, and have time for yourself and your husband. I'm trying to figure out the maddness too.
Good Luck,
R.

I feel for you, not only for your situation, but it sounds like you just wanted to vent and give other moms a chance to vent also, but it seems many people just want to tell you what you need to or should do!!! Ok now I will vent and relate to you. :) Let me tell you I am a SAHM and most times I feel more stressed than when I worked, I am never really at home and when I am I feel like I am catering so much to what everyone else wants and needs that I NEVER get my chores done and feel in an endless ocean of housework!!! I take my daughter to preschool and I should get 2 hours of alone time for housework catch up on phone calls ect... but it never works out, then I pick her up, TRY to get her to eat lunch, listen to her complaints, wants and needs, turn around and pick up my son, either run to speech therapy, karate or whereever the car may take us that day, not to mention 3 monthly evening business meetings (I am a Tupperware Manager - don;t mind the meetings because it is away from the house adult time - and I enjoy that, but it means more mess to come home to) and then opps forgot to mention daughter is in co-op preschool so spend at min, one morning a week there and then 2 evening meeting a month!!! MY kids alomost 4 and 6, still do not always sleep though the night, but then niether do I most nights so how can I expect them to. My husband does help alot, but sometimes he needs a kick in the pants to get him to see what I really need help with. As for nights alone, we don't get many either, there are only 3 places we let them stay over and that is my parents (but my mom is helping take care of my aunt who has terminal cancer, so we can;t count on her right now her hands are full), my siter-in-law who is always so busy and her boyfriend....and a really good couple friend of ours who don't live too close... Oh my goodness I see at times you get to watch a movie undisturbed, now I am jealous of you!!!!! Keep your head up, I hear as they get a little older these problems we seem to be facing now get a little easier, but I can't promise the new problems we will have to face will be any better, guess we just have to tune in for the next stage of...."Our life with Children"! :)

I totally understand how you feel, M.. I only have one, but I work full-time and my husband works most weekends. It's hard to be like a single parent, but not one. My husband helps when he can and I do what I can, but there really are only so many hours in a day.

It sounds like you really need a ME day. You mentioned your family won't take the baby overnight, but here's an idea. Can you take a day off work and just have someone watch the kids during the day? Even just one day here and there like that will boost your spirits and give you some rest. Sleep, go to the movies ... whatever will give you a boost. And whatever you do, don't clean house or do any chores! You need a mental health day.

Taking care of you is taking care of your family, so do what you have to to get SOME time for yourself, whenever you can. It's not a bad thing!

I can relate all too well. I work all week including overtime, my husband picks the kids up from school, but he leaves at 4 in th emorning to work so i have to get them and myself ready. we never go out and by the time we get the kids to bed there is no time for us, he goes to the gym i take a shower and go to bed. i have no hobbies and on the weekends he works so i cant even clean up. i get so overwhelmed, but i am not sure how marriage is suppose to be, we love each other but i wish i had some independance or alone time with him. our kids are the same ages, i have a 2 year old and a 9 month old, both girls. email me if you want to talk.

L.

I only have one and my husband helps out because he works out of the house. One thing that did occur to me while reading your paragraph is that your 10 month old and your 2 year old should be sleeping through the night. You have to figure that one out so you can get some rest! You cannot keep going the way you are. Also, you need to get a reliable babysitter to look after all three kids once a month so you and your hubby can have dinner and a movie. Also essential. We went for a year before we had a date and when we did it felt like we were teenagers all over again. You MUST nurture your marriage as much as you nurture your children. Otherwise, you are an amazing woman to be holding down a full-time job and weekends with kids! You deserve to be praised. Hang in there and turn down the monitor so those kids eventually figure out that they need to stay asleep. If anything is drastically wrong, they'll scream loud enough for you to hear.
Good luck.

im a sahm that does daycare, so i have about 7 kids a day i am with kids 23-7. its easy to say that i know how you feel. i think you should look in to daycare. there are daycare providers out there that will take your kids as a drop in, that way you can get some alone time to maybe remember who you are. try www.craigslist.com

I dont have it as busy as you, but when I have my breaks at work it is all about me. I find a quiet area and meditate or pray. I try not to talk to any of my co workers so I can revive my spirit. Try to get a babysitter just once a month, start off slow date night with hubby, and take 2 hours on the weekend for yourself to get nails done or something just for yourself. I have a protein shake in the morning and take 1 a day vitamin. Take care of yourself.

Hi M....
I'm out of breath just from reading all that you do. I have my stress, not quite like yours, but I did want to respond to you because venting is OKAY. It doesn't make you less of a mother or seem like you don't love your kids.
You're doing amazing things to provide them with a good life. I will say this though, you need to make sure you get an adequate amount of sleep at night. That is bar none THE most important thing you can do for yourself and your family.
Date night? Definently try and get one in a month. If it's nothing more than him driving you to and picking you up from school while squeezing a burger in to the mix, it's time alone just the two of you. When we're parents, date night has to become realistic. Even if it's sitting in the tub while the kids are asleep...hey, that's the two of you connecting as adults, and that's what it's all about.
Good Luck, and feel free to vent whenever you need. Everyone needs an outlet!
-K.

I have an 8yr old and an 18mo old and I was stressed when the baby was first born and I couldn't figure out how I was going to do it all. My husband suggested we take turns and take a ME night out. That was an amazing help. We also take nights out for ourselves. We hired a babysitter to come in and watch the kids. Life was getting better, but then I tripped and broke my leg. My husband jumped in and took over everything. He was amazing. After being in the hospital for 4 days and the baby now attached to Daddy, I came home to a neat house with the helps of friends and family. After months of recovery and depression for feeling guilty for being waited on and not being able to do anything, I was finally back on my feet. It put a whole new perspective on life.

We now have a house cleaner that comes in once a week and if the laundry gets overwhelming, we take it to the laundrymat and have them DO IT! It comes back folded and clean.

It saves time for the weekends to spend as a family. Now we take family bike rides (because I can) and focus on projects around the house instead of feeling like we never catch up.

I am back to work full-time, and back to going out once in a while, but being laid up really made me see what is really important.

And like other mom's commented, your husband won't do what he doesn't know to do. You have to ask. The one big mistake that woman make, is when they ask their husbands to help out and then they critique the way its done. The Dads have to learn for themselves too. That might not apply to you, since you have an older one. But the chores can't be all on you if your both working.

Definitely, ask the 14yr old to help out. I was an older sister that my parents relied on to take care of my sister and I won't let my daughter take care of the younger one, that much. I am still the mother and she needs to be a kid. But it can be a good way for the 14yr old to earn money. In a pinch, we give the 8yr old incentives for helping out, like earning priveledges.

Good luck and try not to do so much. Your kids are only young once.

Hi M.,
You sound like me a year ago. My story is little different though, we are a blended family. I have two boys 6 and 13, and my fiance' has a boy 12 and a girl 9. My fiance' was used to a stay at home mom type and I am anything but, long story short, he expected me to o everything while he did just the yard work.I couldn't even go to the store without at least one kid in tow. I finally got fed up and demanded me time. He always was doing somethig with his friends or co-workers (no kids in tow). In addition I went on strike and stopped catering to his every need. I must add I was working a very good paying 40 hour a week job but was gone from the house at least 12 hours a day. My day started at 0430 and did not end on average until 1000pm.Between that and trying to keep the peace between our kids and dealing with our exes we were on a very bad spiral. I enlisted my oldest son as a babysitter and taught him how to be one, so we could go out for very short dates at first; local restuarant for dinner.Over time we could go out longer and longer periods.My fiance started helping more with things like laundry, dishes, cooking and so on.i guess my point is your not alone and through hard work and maybe a huge temper tantrum you and your husband can work it out and you'll feel much more rested and happy. My tempur tamtrum consisted of my going on strike for one week and when there was not clean socks and the first kid asked for some I said ask your father. as you can imagine went over like gangbusters but the point was well recieved when he had to look at our house duties and they were not equal. I hope this helps and good luck.

we as moms, wives and providers are under an overwhelming amount of stress. We are not super heroes, saints or martyrs. It's okay to have needs and to voice them. It'll be worth it to pay that baby sitter for a couple hours while you get a massage. We always feel like we have to do everything and be everything and we forget that we are human too. It's harder to get away for a longer time but short spurts can really revitalize even if it's just a walk around the block by one's self. I am a student and a single mom so I know stress.
I wish you well,
R.

My God you are my hero! I have 2 boys 3 and 9 months and I can barely handle everything on my plate and I stay home. I can't imagine working and school with 3 kids! I feel as though my only identity is mom too. Our rec center has a parent's night out program where you pay a couple bucks and you drop your kids off for a movie and some pizza and you get a few hours to yourself. If your family won't take all 3 kids wich is rediculous to me, it's hard but for a few hours you'd think they would try and cope. Anyway perhaps your teen would like to do that while the little ones get to see their family and go out! Go out alone or go out with hubby but get the heck out! When I go out with my sister for a beer at the bar down the street for only an hour after the boys are in bed I feel 100% reguvinated.

You've got to talk your husband into a morning schedule. Switch mornings with him. If you have everything layed out the night before perhaps he would be inclined to help knowing that it would take no thinking on his part. I think men just aren't confident in making clothing and food choices for kids. Having breakfast made, or at least tell him what to make and all the kid's clothes layed out and tell him that you are going to lose your mind.

Is your teenager able to help? When I was 10 I was getting my sisters ready for school and to school and watching them after school and making dinner. This was out of necessity as my parent's had no other choice, but I'm sure your teen could probably help with the 2 yo getting dressed and such. And watch them for a couple hours if you want to go out? I don't know your child but there are classes at the rec center to give kids babysitting certification. They even teach them cpr and first aid. Then they could sit for you and for neighbors and make some money.

You may want to think about staying home with the kids. I know it can be hard but they are so young. I've put my career and education on hold until my baby is in preschool. It was hard decision to make, and I know alot of people don't even want to consider it, but it can be a very rewarding path in life. Good luck! ~V

I think many of your problems would be solved if you and your husband sat down and DECIDED that one of you needs to stay home full time with your children, at least until the smallest is in 1st or 2nd grade. Don't just quickly dismiss this advice saying you can't afford it. If you want your life to be different, only you and him can commit to it and make those changes. Whether it's downsizing your home, getting rid of one car, lowering your cost of living, etc... Just be creative and come up with a plan WITH your husband. You can do it! It's for the sake of your children, they don't deserve this.

Dear M.,

Good Grief ! I guess you are stressed out!! You need to give up one of your activities and get some more sleep. If you don't sleep enough, and it looks like you aren't, then you really cannot cope with life very well. It is a normal human need to have rest and sleep. So , I don't know, maybe you have to re evaluate your activities, maybe you can go to school later on.(sorry, I know that you probably want to very badly). You need to spend quality time with your children and husband. Your preschool education gave you some hints about that sort of thing.

C. N.

how about hiring help for an evening or two during the week? Students or an older lady would not be too expensive and they can help with dinner or light housework or even babysitting so you can get a little break for youself.
hope this helps.
-S.

I am a single mom of an almost 3 year old, so I know what you mean about not getting any time off. My suggestion would be to set a date, at the beginning of each month for a date night. No breaking it. I know how hard it is to make ends meet, but if it the time you really want, maybe consider cutting back your hours? Or see if your husband can work weekdays so that you both have the weekends off. I am sure you have thought of that, but its about all I could think of. ;o) Good luck!