Stepmom Advice

Coming from a similar situation, I know how frustrating the whole thing can be. What I realized too late was that my daughter was caught in the middle. As much as I thought I was being careful not to have this happen, it did. What you are caught in is the drama triangle. There is always a victim (the step-son), the persecuter (mom and dad exchange these rolls depending on the situation) and the rescuer (also exchanged between both parents.) Son gets bad grades, he feels like the victim (teenagers have problems being accountable and responsible) because he gets in trouble. Persecuter comes along and grounds the kid. Rescuer delivers him to his friends. The only way to get out of the situation is break the cycle. As a persecuter your husband can start making agreements with the son with clear cut consequences. For example, sit down make a behavior contract. Make him make agreements with clear cut prices to pay that you both negotiate. This will allow him to see that his behavior will shut down priviledges, no persecuter. Words like this, "You made an agreement to do your homework before 8pm. Well now you don't get to go on the computer, that was our agreement." Now the natural consequences kick in and no getting angry and upset when the report card comes in with low grades. The drama triangle will continue until someone steps out.
Good Luck,
Wendy

Dear S.,
All of the responses so far have good points to them. When I read the section about your stepson recieving a ride to a friends house when he was grounded, I felt mostly the tension of how your stepson may have been using his mother to get his way. This problem with him in this case can not be called "caught between". In some ways, dislike for study is a hard thing to get over and it won't be much fun trying to discover how much he can team up with his Mother to undo your good will. I don't exactly have a suggestion here but a lot of conversation with your stepson will help in order to establish better trust.

Hi S.,
The tax rules for claiming dependents changed in 2005. Since I'm not sure which specific years you lost the exemption, I've attached information for both pre-2005 and 2005-on. You're likely out of luck on prior years, but maybe this will help for this year and onward:

Before: http://taxes.about.com/od/2004taxes/a/dependents04.htm

After: http://taxes.about.com/od/dependents/a/Dependents_2.htm

Getting her to sign IRS Form 8332 (when she's not feeling combative) would help immensely.

I'm sure that Mom's threats of court could technically be considered "harrassment", but where's that going to get you? The only way to stop the threats, if they are truly too much to bear, is simply to let Mom know they're not a threat to you. And as for the IRS situation, in California there's no such thing as 50/50 ... no court document will ever indicate 50/50 physical custody. The closest to that is 49/51, due to these very issues. There needs to be a primary residence for tax purposes, etc. So, unless you have it in writing, I don't think that any court will help at all, especially with custodial issues, where the courts always refer to court orders and/or written agreements.

I'm a step-mom and my step-son lives with us. The only way to stop the "harrassment" is to let Mom know it isn't bothering you in any way, because that's the only reason she does it. And unless you have agreements in writing, Mom can refer back to court documents any time she wants to, regardless of whatever verbal agreements you may have.