Stepdad Versus Daughter

I had a stepmother and she was terrible to me. She had two children of her own that she treated like gold, but I was not her bio child so she was horrible to me. This type of treatment has a life long effect! My father never stepped in to protect me and I wish he had. You need to protect your daughter. If your husband is "mean" to her then you need to put your foot down! He obviously does not view her as his "daughter", and he needs to. Saying he is trying to toughen her up is BULLCRAP. That is an excuse to treat her harshly. An 8 year old does not need to be toughened up, she needs to be nurtured and loved. She is your daughter first, he is your husband second. Daughter comes first. Insist he get counseling and stop this type of treatment or you need to think about a trial seperation. I am telling you from experience that this type of an upbringing will have very long lasting negative effects on your daughter. Good luck and put her interests first and all will work out.

I think if he's not treating her like a daughter, she feels that. I would suggest getting her (and him if he will go) to counseling. It most likely will have long term effects on her. If you don't think she is being treated kindly, you may consider separating from your husband. You need to protect her.

I know it's easier said than done and I'm not judging...

good luck

My stepdad did the same thing to me and it affected me a great deal...and still does. I was around your daughters age when he gave my mom a choice ..she had to decide between me or him..well she chose him..I had to go. Anyway..what your husband is doing is verbally and emotionally abusing her. You need to make a choice..if he wont go into counselling..individual counselling,counselling with his stepdaughter and family counselling..then u will need to make a choice..allow this abusive behavior to continue..or leave..its up to u. I dont mean to be so harsh but this hits a raw nerve with me..like I said..what happened to me as a child still affects me and to this day I still havent forgiven my mom for allowing it to happen and for choosing him over me. Sadly my mom passed away in 1996..and we never did resolve the issues. Please dont let this be the case with u and ur family.
Good Luck and God Bless

I agree with your first respone from Tammy. Get them into counseling together asap. My step-father did the same thing with myself and my siblings. Once he and my mother had a child together it got so much worse. His daughter was treated like an angel and we were not. Your daughter is coming up on a very important emotional time in her life. The last thing you want for her is to have issues with the men that she chooses to surround herself with later in life.

Two things. One, a role playing exercise where he plays her and she plays him. He needs to see firsthand how he is perceived. It is eye-opening!! There is no better way than walking in her shoes, so to speak.

Two: Dr. Phil says step parents CANNOT be the primary disciplinarians in the family, period. They should be your backup but you make the rules where your biological child is concerned.

I agree, what he is doing is being verbally and emotionally abusive to your daughter. Counseling would be a good way to try to resolve this issue and heal your family. It's also neutral ground with a non-biased professional so neither party feels they are being out numbered. My husband is a step-dad and I'm a step-mom myself and in my home we don't use the word "step", we treat all 5 of the children the same across the board regardless of biology, they are all our daughters.
My two daughters 18 and 17 have a step-mom also and what you're going through, my 17 yr old daughter has endured this from her step-mom over the years. The step-mom doesn't treat the 18 yr old as harsh as she does the 17 yr old. She has a daughter who is treated like gold and can do no wrong. She has been verbally and emotionally abusive to my 17 yr old and my ex-husband has even witnessed it first hand but says nothing and does nothing. My 17 yr old has spoken up to her dad about this many times and still nothing. He says as long as the step-mom isn't chewing him out & on his back he doesn't care. My 17 yr old feels her dad failed her as a parent. That your parent is suppose to protect you, stand up for you & your rights and your right to be treated like a human being. She feels if her own father won't stand up for her then who will, she'll have to do it herself. She was his daughter long before the step-mom was his wife and she'll always be his daughter, he should be putting her first and he's not.
I'm fortunate that this situation was only a portion of the family she was exposed to and that the rest is positive and supporting. My daughter today is a very strong person and yes, that situation did have effects on her emotionally but thankfully she came to me & her step-dad for support and to talk about what was going on and how it made her feel. She says that helped greatly to have someone to talk to who understood that it really was making her feel bad.
You'll have to decide what's best for your daughter & family. Good luck & I hope for the best.