Step-Sister And Wedding

I feel offended that you don't feel she deserves a nice wedding because of how her life played out so far. I had a child out of wed lock, me and her dad are engaged and will get married when we have more money.... do you think I do not deserve a nice wedding either?

It seems pretty simple. If you are not comfortable going then don't go. There is no reason for you to attend anything you don't feel comfortable going to. Send a card and small gift and leave it at that.

It's her wedding not yours. It's about her wishes not yours. Can you imagine if someone tried to tell you how your wedding should be? You are entitled to your opinion but keep it to yourself. Trust me, she doesn't need to hear your moral opinion about her. Get over it, be gracious, be adult, she's family whether step or not.

Decide if you can go and keep your thoughts to yourself and be happy for her or not. If you can't, check no on the invitation and send a small gift.
Everyone makes mistakes and maybe this is the man of her dreams. Maybe she is finally in a place where she can have a the wedding she always wanted. I'm not saying it's right or wrong - it just is.
Just decide what you can and can't do...
LBC

It's her right to have whatever kind of wedding she wants. Who are you to judge her?? If you feel that strongly about it, don't go. If you want to share in her special day, then go and *mean* it when you congratulate her and tell her you're happy for her. If you can't do that, then stay home. Would YOU want someone at your wedding who thought of you the way you're thinking of your step-sister?

And many weddings are 'no kids' and require parents to get sitters, so don't hold that against her. Often I'll get a sitter just so my hubby and I don't have to keep track of our kids at a wedding.

Sometimes people make the wrong choices early on. We all do the best we can with the knowledge and the tools we had available to us at the time but we can still end up making decisions that are not always the most sensible ones. Just because you may not have made the best choices when you are younger, that doesn't mean that you have never dreamed of that special day where you pledge your love to that special someone that you have always dreamed of, complete with the white dress, flowers and all that comes with it.

From what you have written above, it seems to me that you are saying that because your step-sister did not make the right decisions early on and came about this whole thing in a more roundabout angle, she should forefeit her dreams of having the wedding that she has always wanted. I don't think that you mean to be this way, but you seem to have a pretty clear idea of who you think is entitled to have a wedding of their dreams (the ones who are young and have always made the right choices) and who doesn't (older women who may have made wrong choices but are hopefully ready for true love and want to celebrate that). I'm sorry, but you sound like you are being judgmental. Let her have her day. So what if you don't agree? You don't have to. Let her have her time in the sun. Every woman deserves to have a wedding of their choice and celebrate true love when they find it. Just let her have her moment. It will all be over soon enough.

Just my two cents.

I photograph a lot of woman in a white dress with one or more babies in tow. And absolutely, it is her day and I make sure everyone who comes in contact with her knows that. I am certain she didn't plan for things to be how they are, but it is what it is and on that day it is her day.

If you were on your second wedding and your fiance had never been married and said he wanted a "Wedding fit for a Prince" would you tell him you've already been there done that, or honor his wishes? Last fall, I photographed a bride in a white dress and she was a Grandmother, so yes, your (step) sister is entitled.

It really is quite simple, either be supportive or not go. I agree that the whole white dress idea after 3 kids and in mid-30s is a bit much, but that is her perogative. No good will come of you actually saying anything...it will just come across as mean and spiteful. If it is too much to find a babysitter for the day, then just send a small gift with your regrets for not attending and your best wishes.

Bite your tongue and let her do what she wants. In the scheme of things, it really isn't your business anyway.
Not to sound harsh.
I'm divorced. I have two kids. I'm getting ready to have a grand kid in May.
However, if I wanted to get married again, I might want a wedding with the dress and all. Who knows?
I don't have anyone in mind to marry so I can't say what I'd want to do, but I wouldn't be really worried about what other people think as far as what I'm entitled to or how I should go about celebrating my marriage. If I want a white dress and flowers and the whole enchilada, that's pretty much up to me.
I have a friend who had her 3rd marriage and had a beautiful wedding and ceremony. No expense was spared on the wedding or reception. About a150 attended. We were included in the wedding party and I sang at the reception.
She's been married to this man for 20 years now.
I've known her since I was a kid. Went through all the turmoils with her. I never once thought she had no business having a wedding the way she wanted because she'd been married before and had kids already. The man she married had kids too.
Anyway, if you don't want to attend because of babysitting or you feel you can't be supportive, that's your choice.
Just like she gets to make the choices for herself.
You don't have to agree with them. She isn't you and vice versa. I wouldn't let it bother you so much.

Just my opinion.

Send a nice card and a modest gift and call it a day.

I used to think a little like you did when I was young. Second weddings should be small affairs, maybe a court wedding and backyard reception and no big white dress or lots of attendants. You got your wedding already, so you do not deserve to have another big wedding as a second one!

That was until I got divorced. HA! Now I had to eat my words!

I made some mistakes. My current husband, who had been married before, had made mistakes too. Both of us had nice first weddings. But now we REALLY met the person of our dreams and we wanted to celebrate this new beginning with the wedding we always wanted. Both of us threw out the pictures from our first weddings. We cherish the pictures from our wedding. It's what we show our children and will one day show our grandchildren. We look back on the day as the celebration of our union and I'm SO GLAD that I didn't have my younger self telling me that I couldn't have the wedding I wanted! White dress? Did it! Big reception? Did it! Attendants? Did it! Registered? Did it! I do wish with all my heart that I could have had bridal showers because I missed hanging out with my girlfriends and all the stuff we had been using was from our first weddings and it would have been nice to pick out shower gifts for OUR wedding. But we did not have showers, and that's okay.

Yes your stepsister might be going overboard in your opinion. Maybe she's just excited about finally doing it the way she wanted with the man of her dreams. I think every woman has gone a little bridezilla about her big day at one point! The wonderful thing about her wedding day is you probably won't hang out with her at all! She'll be too busy!

I'd go and hang out with your family. Dance with your husband to the free music! Enjoy the open bar! Eat free cake! And buy her a nice gift that fits your budget. You'll be SO GLAD you went! And I'll bet she'll be happy to know you cared enough to celebrate with her :)

Do what you feel comfortable with. Respectfully decline if you don't want to go and send a gift if you want to keep the peace. I recently attended a friend's wedding solo because it was "no kids" and late notice and we couldn't get a sitter.

Honestly, if our kids are NOT invited. WE DON"T GO! So, if you don't want to attend, DON"T! Because she is your step-sister, you should send a card with a SMALL gift!

It's her day. She can celebrate it any way she wants. I have been to a few weddings that I myself find ridiculous (including a Disney themed Beauty and the Beast wedding - complete with "floating" roses and teacups). Your gift doesn't have to be extravagant. If you truly want to establish a relationship, then go and enjoy and evening with your hubby. If you are not comfortable with going then decline the invitation, but be prepared for some possible backlash from the family. If it were me and I was really torn on the event, I would probably attend the wedding, but miss the reception. That way, you have participated, but you don't have to suffer through an entire evening of "faking it".

Follow your heart; do what your conscience is telling you. I attended a wedding for my older sister that I felt wasn't a good match, because my mom said you just support them no matter what. Guess what? The marriage, her 3rd, didn't last. To this day I regret putting my "seal of approval" on her bad decision. Don't live with regrets; do the difficult thing now, if necessary.

It is believable to me that a woman who has 3 children by three different men is able to wrap her head around wearing a white dress and have wedding-anyway...You have two choices, decline and send gifts-go and have fun and take a year to get a wedding gift-see if this one sticks!

I'm in agreement with you. I get so many invites for showers and other events from people I either a: barely know or b: have been to their previous showers / weddings etc. It gets pretty old to keep dishing things out for people who have everything they need or are middle-aged. A good friend of mine recently invited me to her third (yes, third) baby shower for her third boy. She's had these boys all in the last 4-5 years. While I am happy for her I don't get what, by the 3rd boy, she could possibly need. One the flip side, an older woman who was a friend of the family got re-married and had a beautiful, tasteful wedding and specifically stated "no gifts". To me, what she wanted was a celebration, not a fairy tale and definitely NOT a gift grab. It seems the idea of etiquette has disappeared and that's too bad because there is a reason it was there in the first place.

Send a decent gift and dont go.

Your concerns are very valid. I'm not sure what happened to the nice quiet second weddings. I have known several people who did the completely over the top, white dress, registered at Macy's wedding and I also find it not appropriate for the second time around. The fact that she is already established, does make it seem like she's wanting a free hand out. If I was you, I'd get the babysitter and go out to dinner and a movie and have a nice date with your husband instead.

I think the word we're looking for here is "decorum" and this wedding sounds like it might be lacking in it.

The one thing you can do, though, is choose not to go and/or send/give a gift. A nice wedding card, and maybe a donation to a charity in their name, would be sufficient. Not attending is your way of "voting," as it were--if you don't agree with it, then don't go. :)

It could be that this is something that she has always dreamed of having, and due to poor decisions and/or poor finances was never able to do until now.... However, I do sort of agree with the whole thing seeming to lack decorum. I think that part of maturity is recognizing that sometimes the resources for some dreams are better spent on other more practical things. But do be happy for her and wish her well.... to do otherwise would be unkind. :)

Let go of your personal opinions about how weddings; specifically her wedding, SHOULD be. That is for her to decide and doesn't impact you in any way. So, you are left with...Should I attend the shower and/or the wedding?

1.) Go only if you feel you can do so with honest joy in your heart.
2.) Don't go if you feel like doing so will just increase your negative feelings.

If you opt not to go, absolutely send a card of congratulations and consider sending a small registry gift if you think you will continue to be connected to your former step-family in the years to come.