Staying Together for the Kids Is It Right or Wrong

Many people get divorced then marry the same kind of person and repeat the mess only now they have to split the time with the kids. That would be unbearable to me.
Having a child motivates me to work on my marriage. You love each other and you rarely fight. Just decide to stop with the mean words and learn to take timeouts away from each other. Don't keep arguing when it gets heated. You don't accomplish anything by fighting. And everyone needs to stop threatening to leave. Leave or commit and stop saying it.

Take the kids out of the equation. Would you be with this man? Kids can be a reason to TRY to make it work. Not a reason to stay together. Take if from someone that was a child of that, it isn't good for anyone in the situation.

My grandparents stayed together for the kids, and it really screwed my aunt up. She never had kids because she didnt want to risk screwing them up. But then, she was the one who always had to find her dad at whichever bar he was at that night.

Seek some counsel. It may help a lot if you two still love each other... But kids should not be the only reason two people stay together.

Kids can get the wrong idea of how a relationship should be if the ones giving the example are miserable or even downright loathe each other. That can certainly hurt them in the long run.

Obviously you don't keep the kids in an abusive environment.

Short of that, I think it's best to stay together for the sake of the kids. And guess what: both of you could be kind to each other if you chose to. There is no excuse for involving the kids in your drama, if that's what you're doing. And he shouldn't be threatening you with leaving all the time.

Failure of my marriage has never been an option for me, so I have worked it out, for the most part.

And I work in a high school, and I can tell you that 100% of the time, where there is a discipline problem, there is a broken home. Kids suffer hugely from divorce. It tears their core apart. And I defy anyone to tell me differently.

Well, you are asking about "staying together for the sake of the kids" but that is not what you are describing. Of course you both love your kids, but it sounds like you love each other but don't fight fair.
Get some marriage counseling to learn how to disagree fairly and without hitting below the belt (which is what your husband is doing by threatening to leave when you fight). Counseling can help.
Good luck!

Staying together for the kids is NEVER the way to go! Believe me -the kids know and are miserable and wish you would get a divorce!

However, you say you love each other and don't fight a lot -so that makes you sound pretty normal to me! To me -when you're "staying together for the kids" it's when you no longer love one another and the only reason you're still around is because you think you're doing the kids a favor. Everyone fights! If you feel like you need it, check into marriage counseling.

Sounds to me like you need some marriage counseling and work on your communication and respect. Everyone fights and gets discouraged and gets into those, "I'm leaving!" shouting matches... shoot I did it just the other day!

But, if the situation in the home is volatile and abusive constantly and counseling and constant trying isn't working, then certainly, the kids are better without living in that atmosphere.

But it really looks like you all have a really good chance if you keep at it! :)

There is a difference between making a conscious decision to work on your relationship to keep your family intact and "staying together for the kids".

If your relationship isn't healthy, your children will know it and probably emulate it as adults (not good). If you argue, but reach a resolution and apologize to one another for unkind words, then you are modeling the fact that communication isn't always "nice", but you should apologize when you hurt someone (good).

Talk with your husband about how you communicate and suggest that you both find other ways to express your frustration aside from name-calling. As a very wise man (my father) told me after my hubs and I had our first "real fight"... People who say that they don't fight with their spouses probably don't talk to them either!

To answer your question, yes, I think it's wrong to stay together just for the kids. You're teaching them that it's okay to be miserable all the time (if that's how you feel). I truly believe that the family dynamic is still there if you and your man split, as long as you work together, are polite to each other, and still RESPECT each other. This teaches kids that even if they don't like something, you still have no right to be rude or just give up. You always have to have respect for people. If your child didn't like their teacher, they just didn't get along, would you have them move classrooms? Or would you come up with positive, constructive ways to adapt to the situation and make it work?

In regards to you and your husband, sounds like you two need couples counseling. Does he only say he's leaving when he's mad? It sounds like maybe he's just trying to push your buttons because he knows it upsets you. Couples counseling is wonderful... a neutral, nonjudgemental 3rd party to mediate your everyday tifts. Think about it ;)

No matter what happens, I hope you do what makes you and your heart happy... it's not your actions that teach your children as much as they learn from your REactions to the actions of other people. Either way, kids are resilient, and they will adapt to whatever you choose and love both of their parents unconditionally... because if if you're not husband and wife anymore, you're still mom and dad :)

Depends on how you look at it. I tend to work harder at my marriage because I believe it is best for us to be married and living in the same house for our daughter, but it is also important that she sees how 2 adults make a healthy marriage work. We are not still married JUST because of her but she certainly is the perfect reason to keep at it and not throw in the towel.

I think you should consider marriage counseling so that you can learn to have disagreements and discussions without resorting to mean words. There's no reason to be "hitting below the belt", IMHO.

To be honest A. I would never stay for the sake of the kids.
As adult I don't think they will thank you for it.
I have personal experience of this and certainly don't thank my parents for it.
It's the opposite, I now think them as weak for not being brave enough to seek their happiness.
I wish you the best and remind you that we have one life and it should be the happiest that we can make it.
On a positive note the fact that you have said you love him might be a sign that you are just going through some difficulties at the moment.
B.

I have no advice, because I am in a similar situation as you insofar as I am wondering if we ought to stay together for our kids. However, I have to say that I'm a little surprised at the answers you are receiving. Most seem to say that children are not a sufficient reason to stay in an unhappy marriage. When I asked a similar question, I felt that most were answering the other way.

Good luck.

If you both really love each other, then you're not staying together 'just for the kids', but for yourselves too. It just sounds like you both need to learn to fight fair - something my hubby and I are still working on after almost 7 years of marriage. Look into councelling.

Easily solved with marriage counseling and/or reading "The Love Dare" or "Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" or some of those type of books that lots of ladies on here love.

Divorce is never the EASY answer. Your problems follow you. Your kids learn that when the going gets tough, the weak bail. You just need to learn to fight fair. You guys can do it. It only has to start with one of you learning to be nice and then the other will follow.

Just wanted to add I studied this very thing on a college level course Child Development class. It is a myth that fighting, even being jerks like you guys are being in the middle of a heated fight, is a good reason for divorce. I can show you 2 inches thick of page after page of psychologists, psychiatrists, doctors, family therapists etc that have all come to the conclusion that divorce PERMANENTLY hurts your kids. Dirty fighting hurts them, but not anywhere near as severely as breaking apart their family. Not even close. Please go with the research.

By the way, I am not a smug, holier than thou person. I am a child of divorce, my husband and I have nearly divorced millions of times, I have worked my butt off to stay married and I was not saying that people who divorce are bailing, but SOME of them are. Did I name anyone specifically? This poster is not with an addict, an adulterer, or a wife beater. I would never tell someone that they had to put up with that. To clarify, kids learn conflict resolution from their parents. My parents never learned to resolve their conflicts with each other and eventually divorced. If a kid sees a parent LEARN conflict resolution or peace-keeping skills, then they learn that for their own life. I have had the hardest time in my own marriage because I went in not knowing how to resolve anything. Every big fight we have had, I have always had the urge to bail. I had no good role models to follow. All kids need their parents to be good role models. I believe, based on your post, that you can do it. You and your husband love each other and you said you don't fight a lot. Also that there was no violence. That's great! Be strong and learn how to do this. You are always better than you think.

Every day in every way your children are learning from you and your husband. They are learning from the two of you how arguments and disagreements work or don't work for the better or the worse. If you intend on staying together, I would strongly suggest counseling on how to argue properly.

Everyone has disagreements but that shouldn't equal being disrespectful or hurtful to each other. And words can be just as harmful as physical violence.

Your children will make judgements about their own selfworth and value because of how the two of you are arguing. Based on what you say is happening they will make negative judgements not positive ones.

Dangling over your head the constant threat of leaving isn't right either. Do your family a great service and get counseling. If your husband refuses to participate in the counseling experience, get some for yourself. My husband would never threaten to leave me because he knows I would just pack my bags and the kids and beat him too it. I don't play those games. I require respect and so does he. When we have disagreements and we do, we never put that on the table.

Definitely try marriage counseling. You guys need to learn some tools for how to disagree.

One thing that I want to stress though-PLEASE do not use this tactic with your children!!!!!!!!!! They absolutely do not understand that you don't mean what you say and that you are speaking out of anger. Nothing makes me sadder than when my neighbor tells me some of the things that she says to her kids in anger (she actually tells them that she hates them) you will do irreprable damage to your children by doing this. Not saying that you are-just thinking that you might be b/c that is the way you both fight.

Sounds like you could use some marriage counseling to help you guys learn to communicate better/more effectively.

The only problem with staying together for the kids, even if you don't fight often, is that what happens when the kids are grown and no longer living in your home. Then what? You won't have them to hold your family together. And isn't more fair for you and your husband to be truly happy, not just co-existing.
Also, my parents stayed married until i was 13. I never remember them being loving of affectionate to each other. Now I see my dad with his new wife and they are truly in love. Its a great thing to see. It would be so much better for your kids to see a loving happy relationship, so they have something to base there future relationships on.
Therefore, my suggestion is to try therapy. It can work wonders and get to the bottom of your marital problems. Find better ways to talk to each other about your problems and learn to grow as a couple not just parents.
My husband and I went to counseling and it really has been amazing help. Sure we still have differences, but we know how to communicate those differences better and work through them to actual solve them, not just push it under the rug till the next fight.
Its worth a try for everyone involved. Especially your kids.

You say you don't fight a lot and you love each other so I don't think you're just staying together for the kids. It sounds like you just don't know how to fight "well". Either do my husband and I! But that doesn't strike me as a reason to split up. It'd be great if my husband and I were always respectful and didn't say mean things sometimes but maybe we do better in other areas of our relationship than other couples do. It sounds like something you and your husband can and should work on but giving up and putting your kids through a divorce bc sometimes you get so mad you hate each other, want to leave etc doesn't seem like reason enough. It's the "sometimes" versus the majority of the time that is the difference to me.

I see very unhappy moms after divorce because they only have their kids half the time and that is incredibly h*** o* everyone. They miss them so much when the other parent has them, and then if another 'mom' comes about, even harder. Hopefully you can find a way to break out of the fighting, and be more happy in marriage as it is not always the case that people are more happy after ending a marriage when kids are involved. I say, do something to save your marriage.

you can love people and not want to be with them. don't stay together for the kids, be a good role model, follow your heart to make your decisions.

Have you tried counseling? Sounds like that may help. If you made the commitment to get married and to have a family then you should at least try counseling or agree to work together to try to save the marriage.

Watch the movie Fireproof, either separately or together. I was amazed. It totally changed both my husband and my outlook on our marriage. It's about a man whose marriage is headed for divorce. His father challenges him to hang on for forty days more, and to read and do what it says in a book for forty days. It is an amazing movie, and can help you improve your marriage if you are interested.