Spoiled, Spoiled, Spoiled...

Hi A.,

First let me say thank you for serving! Second- I can only imagine how hard you have it. I am not a single parent, and sometimes I think this how nice it would be if I had MORE help than just me and my husband.

Although I am not a single parent, and don't know exactly what you are going through- I do see the exact situation happening with my brother-in-law, and the only thing I can tell you is that what you are doing is to make yourself feel better about not being there. When you spoil your children- you really aren't doing them any favors. Forget about them throwing a temper tantrum in the store- the real problem is when they get out into the real world and don't understand why other people won't give in to their demands.

As for how to break the habit now... I read an article that talked about the grocery store, and it said if you cannot go to the store without your child- you need to set boundaries before you get there. Tell her that you are going to get groceries and that she is not allowed to ask for candy. Try to figure out when you have your biggest tantrum problems, like going to the store- and address them before they happen.

I don't envy you your problem- but try to hang in there. It really is in her best interest not to give in to her.

Good luck!

You have to set boundaries and stick to them even though it's harder on you the parent than the child at times. I am not a single parent but I am guilty of spoiling my one and only child. My husband and I both work 10-12 hour days on top of a one hour commute each way...so I can sympathize there. We want to give our children the world, but there has to be limits. My daughter's behavior has shown it lately too. I just stick to my guns, kicking and screaming or not. She is getting the picture. As far as the candy issue goes, I guess you could try to offer her an alternate choice, such as a sweet fruit or something like that. Does she have a favorite other food or something she likes to do as a reward instead of candy? My daughter loves books, so we tell her that if she can behave in the store, or where ever, that her reward will be a new book or craft or something she enjoys rather than food. Hope this helps and thank you for your service to our country. God Bless.

K. S.

Dear A.,
I admit I am not a single mother, but I am married to a soldier and half the time I feel like a single mother. But one thing I have learned is that you should not have any guilt being a mother and a father to your little girl. Kids need limits, discipline and supervision. You can still instill this in her and yourself. Consistency is best, she will learn your no is no as long as you keep it a no. It took three years to build this habit so it wont happen over night. I know in the public is embarrassing but just remember you are doing it to raise a great woman not a little girl. My daughter is 12 and when I was her age or any age she has been I never saw my mom's teachings as a positive in my book. AND then I turned 25 and realized all she was doing all that time back when. So, now I tell my daughter, no matter if I'm nice, no matter if i yell, no matter how I love, no matter how I punish she will not like my decisions until she turns 25 and then it will all be worth it. So I stand by my decisions in hopes that my little girl will grow up to be one great woman. You dont see the outcome for a long time but you dont give up in the mean time. I hope this helps a little for your nerves and your heart. We all feel guilt just dont let them know it:).
K. B.

Pick her up and leave the store immediately, even if your cart is full. Trust me, it works. I have 3 kids, 12,6, and 2. When they start acting up I just turn around and leave the store. It hasn't happened more than twice. I have left a full cart, but it's worth it. They now understand that when we are at the store I will not give in to them throwing a tantrum because they are not getting what they want. We will just make a quick exit. Also, now that what your daughter needs is not what you can buy for her, but just your attention and your time. Good luck.

Hi A.....I give you credit. Kids are work in progress . They undergo several stages of moral development. At your daughters age with your help she tends to think- believe that,"Whatever she wants she gets". However, she needs to also learn that she has to do whats right in order to get rewards. Ages 3 to 6 yrs of age which are young children are developmentally unable to think abstractly and put themselves in someone elses shoes. It is pointless to say, "DO you know how this makes mommy feel when you act like that?" Your child can still however learn to control there behavior and impules when you consistently apply consequences for bad behavior.Leave that grocery cart behind and go home.

dont give her anything she wants....let her cry....with my first son he slept with me all the time...and I got really uncomfortable so one night I finally put him in his own bed and just let him cry.and finally he got used to it and nows he's 5 and sleeps by his self.....now I have a 5 mths old that I'm trying to break from sleeping with me and she cries all the time also cuz she's spoil by her father..So, I'm trying..it can be hard......

Good Luck

say NO, ignore her behaviour and pick her up and walk out. If she keeps protesting, just ignore it. You will probably have to do it for a week or two but beleive me it will work! She is controlling you but it is not an unusual behaviour for a 3yr old. They will push and push to see what they can get away with. If you give in then they know NO means Maybe! Just ignore the negative behaviour and praise the positive. You wouldn't tell a dog "good boy" for peeing on your carpet right?
I think a lot of it is also attention getting and again goes to reinforcing negative behaviour with a reaction. Like i said, if you ignore it, then you are not reacting and therefore she is getting no attention that way.
Hope this helps
S.

A.~

You have a tough job, you are a mom and a dad and have the responsibilites of a soldier. Believe me in the eyes of the Army your obligation as a soldier come first and foremost. This delicate balance is at the heart of your issue, and I understand it completely...I was the BOSS (in case you don't know the acronym Better Opportunites for Single Soldiers) program manager at Hood before coming here. I would advise that you find a single parents support group here on APG. If there is little or no information from BOSS, call the post Chaplain, we worked closely with them. It helps when you have the support of other single parents who are going through this with you.

Secondly, your guilt stems a lot from the fact that at a moments notice you can go anywhere in the world and have to hand your precious angel to a member of your family to raise. Remember that they too will be guilty of spoiling her rotten too as they will feel bad for her circumstance. You have to set limilts and apply some love and logic discilpline. She is not too young to learn about actions and consequences. If she throws a fit she cannot have what she wants in the store or at home. The ONE THING your daughter wants is you. I know it sounds like a cliche, but she wants you to be present with her when you are with her. Find an activity the two of you can do together that doesn't include spending money; ie put a puzzle together, read a book, have her help make something in the kitchen. She wants time with you, not stuff! Toys break, candy digests, but memories with Mom are forever even when you are thousands of miles away! Keep this thought foremost in your mind and it will help you to heal the guilt.

You are an amazing woman and you can be successful in your career and be an awesome Mom, but it takes balance and dedication. You can do this! God Bless you for your sacrifices for our nation, you are building a better tommorrow for your daughter and all of our children!

Best of luck,
K. O

Hello A.. It is very hard to control your motherly urges to spoil your child. I know, my "child" is now a man and I still have to control myself. We just love our children very much, if we are good mothers. But, I had to learn that I will not be there for him forever, and that teaching him how to be a good person is the highest form of love.
The first step is to change your feelings about food as a reward. Food is to preserve life, and to give a bit of enjoyment. It is not a form of love. Your love and attention are more precious to your daughter than all the chocolates in the world. You have to change your attitude first. Once you change you, then you can start to modify the learned behavior she shows in isle 5. It will take a long time, because it took a long time to set up the behavior. It is now a habit, and it is hard to change a habit. At age 3, it is easier to do it now, so you can have hope. But there is no magic cure, except being consistent with her. When she does her tantrum, just ignore the tantrum and make her move on. Don't give in to her wants, just be firm and loving in your statements that you will not give her things because of her tantrum, and that is the end of it. Limit her candy intake to set times, like after meals, and do not use food ever as a reward. You will be doing her a favor for her future, believe me. My son was never given food of any kind as a reward, and now he eats candy when he wants the pleasure of a sweet, but he loves his healthy food more than the candy. So stick with it, live through the hard times, maybe even as long as months, of dealing with her unlearning the old behavior and learning new behavior, and in the end you will have a daughter who is happier and better adjusted. During this time, take the time to read to her, laugh with her, and give her all the time you can. That is sweeter than candy to her, and will help both of you through the hard times, as well as bring you closer. Because I spent that kind of time with my son when he was little, we will always be close. Good luck!

Warn her that if she does not stop crying you will leave her in the middle of the floor. If she does not stop then walk away far enough she thinks your gone but close enough away you can see her. Maybe walk to the aisle beside where you were then peep around the corner. Do not worry about stares you have to teach them when the incident occurs.

I also have a three year old and I am seperated from her daddy. I also spoil her but not materialistically, because since I am on my own I have no money. But I spoil her with all the love that I have. Since I don't have to share my love with her daddy anymore she gets all of it.

Ok A.... Step one is admitting there's a problem and wanting to change it! You're doing that!! You're noticing that it's all on you for your past parenting technique...

Wanting to change the behavior is a big step! I applaud you for that! Since your daughter is used to getting things when she wants it will be an adjustment for her. She's going to throw her temper tantrums, especially if that would have gotten her what she wanted before!!

Now you just need to decide what your going to do about the tantrums... Every child has them, so don't feel bad about that!! Just decide how you're goig to deal with them.

If you're in a store and she ask for something. Tell her no and why. She's going to throw a fit! Just continue to tell her why and then leave her to throw her fit! It's embaressing, but all well! If she doesn't throw her fit go ahead buy her something TINY and tell her it's for not throwing a fit when she wanted the larger item.

Or other things I've heard about is having like a sticker or cheap toy basket at home or in the car. If your child is well behaved through your trip out or through out the day let her pick something out of the basket!!

Just remember you're not the only mother/parent who's ever had a child throwing a tantrum in the store!! And she will eventually quite throwing them when she realizes that No means No and mommy's going to stick to her guns!! That's the biggest part, when you say no stick to it!

Skip isle 5!! Try healthier snacks. Snacks aren't bad, you just need the right ones!

A.,

I'm sure this is very difficult for you. Here is my advice:

Your daughter is used to getting what she wants. She's been getting it for 3 years. What she's not used to is having Mom say "No". So, she's going to have to get used to it. If crying and throwing a fit gets her what she wants (or has in the past), she will continue to do that until she gets what she wants. You have to teach her that throwing that fit DOES NOT get her what she wants any longer. So, what do you do when she starts throwing a fit? Leave the place where you are at. Simply scoop her up kicking and screaming and take her to the car, put her in, and go home. No candy, no outing, no fun. Simple as that. I realize that it's not always easy to leave a full cart at the grocery store in the middle of an aisle and leave b/c you have a screaming child, but we do it all the time. Also, if you are in a place where you can't leave (maybe you are just getting ready to check out at the grocery store) and she is throwing a fit, just ignore her. Trust me, anyone is a Mom around you will understand. If anyone says anything about her fit, just smile and say it's the "terrible threes", or "she's not happy that we're not going to eat candy for dinner". If they don't understand, they don't need to. Don't worry about her tantrums. She's doing it to try to get attention and to get what she wants. If she doesn't get either, she'll realize that tantrums are just a really big waste of energy.

As for the buying her things out of guilt, you are only playing into this behavior of hers. You need to stop buying her stuff out of guilt. Your daughter needs your love, attention, and guidance, not something that you purchsed with your credit card. Those extra toys aren't going to buy her love or acceptance. I understand your guilt, but it's not the right way to handle the situation. I'm sure you are a great Mom and you spend every minute that you can with your daughter. That's enough!! That's all you need to do. Love her and protect her and raise her with good values and you've done your job. If you continue to spoil her with things, the situation will never change, and she'll grow up with a sense of entitlement and also to understand that people show their love for her by buying her stuff. Do you really want her to think that a man is supposed to buy her stuff to show her that he loves her? Compensating for her lack of a father is not something that you can do. Facts are facts. Her father has chosen not to be around (his loss!)and you shouldn't feel the need to fill that void. You are all that you daughter needs. I was raised in a single parent household and I'm fine! I'm sure you know plenty of other people who were raised by single parents and they are just fine too. By doing what you are doing, and trying to "fill that void", you are already fostering a sense that she is "damaged" by not having a father around. If you don't make it out to be a big deal, she won't ever think it's a big deal.

Good Luck!!!!

Hi A.. Most toddlers whether they are 'spoiled' or not throw temper tantrums. It can be appauling to the ears and break your heart. But it's time to toughen up. It's OK. It happens. There are many methods towards handling temper tantrums in public and at home. I would read up on them and see what will work best for you. At home you can try time-outs. In the store, if you really can't stand what is happening, then leave the store. I have friends that just let their kids work it out by letting them cry. Distractions work, give her something to do, ask her to help you carry something else you bought, give her a different kind of snack to carry, ask her to help you push the cart. Appeal to her other senses.

I hope this helps!!!!

Hats off to you for raising a child alone, while active duty. I have friends in your situation, and have an idea of what your situation must be like, as I too once was active duty and married to an active duty.
I'm no expert on child psychology but I do have a 3 year old son. I'll admit that I haven't experienced your situation but I remember a show on Dr. Phil. I guess Dr. Phil's wife went through your situation. Basically, while the child was throwing a tantrum at the store, she gave couple warnings that they would leave the store if her son didn't stop. With a cart full of food pushed to the side, she ended up leaving the store and the child went straight to time out when they got home. The story is that the son never did that again.
I also heard that it helps to go with a list to the grocery store and the child can help make the list, including something they would want and stick to the list. And maybe if you didn't have candy in the house, it wouldn't be as much of a struggle?
Hope this helps... and good luck to you.

I feel your pain! I have a 3-year-old boy, and we're pretty strict with him (limited candy, little-to-no junk food, etc.). Even with that - he still manages to throw tantrums in stores and for things he wants. Maybe it's more the age, rather than being spoiled. We'd do time outs in the car, etc., and LOTS of talking before we go into the store about how he's going to be my helper and be a good boy. He's gone from monster to angel - simply because he will get a little cookie at the end of grocery store shopping if he's been good. Yes, I have to remind him several times and whisper strongly into his ear, "Remember that cookie? If you keep acting like this, you won't be allowed to have it." Don't be so h*** o* yourself. If you want to do less sweets and junk food, then do it. She'll adjust eventually! Also, one thing that was told to me. Tantrums keep happening because they're working. If they stop working, they stop having them. Tell her - it's your choice - have a tantrum, get nothing. Have a good day, get a treat (even playtime somewhere special or a little $1 toy). Hope this helps, and I do feel your pain. I've left many grocery carts with food to go do time out!