So Confused, Please Help!

She needs to see a psychiatrist on a frequent basis, get the proper balance of meds (tricky because even the proper balance needs re balancing every so often) and you need counseling to help you deal with and learn techniques on how to handle her.

She's 7 -- uummmm ---- let's see here. She and her brother were living with their mom and removed from mom's custody and placed with dad and step-mom. No explanation given to the kids. Just told go live with dad and step-mom. The child wants to see her mom more often and mom is not willing to see her more often. And you are wondering why this child is acting out? Kids her age can't verbalize their feelings - heck- most adults can't verbalize their feelings.
She feels abandoned, unloved, forgotten.....
She does not need to be punished, she needs to be loved. Somehow you and her dad need to help her to understand no matter what she does you will both always love her. She needs to know you are now family and mom may love her but simply can't spend more time with her. You need to get her involved in activities, you need to spend quality time with her, she needs to feel a part of your life. Have her help out in the kitchen, share special memories such as 'I always loved to _____ with my mom, I am so happy I get to do it with you now. It can be our special time.' Whether it's making cookies for the holidays or wrapping presents or cleaning up the kitchen after meals or folding laundry. She needs to feel loved and accepted.
Take the kids sledding or skating or build a snowman .. lots of love and laughter and hugs are needed here with a few cups of hot chocolate. It's not easy and it won't change quickly. You need to build trust with these kids... it's not they don't trust YOU, they probably don't really trust anyone.

You need a professional therapist to help you with all of this, not internet strangers. She could be acting our for so many different reasons, from anger, to depression, to simply testing your love. If she is not already seeing someone on a regular basis pleas find someone ASAP.

You don't make clear what your relationship to this girl is. Adoptive parent? Stepparent?

Obviously the punitive approach isn't working. Stop all the punishing. She's only 7, and she has been traumatized by her birth mother. You need to approach her with love. For starters, try mirroring her emotions. You need to say things like, "It must be really sad and hard for you when your mother is supposed to see you and doesn't follow through. That must really hurt. I'm sorry you have to go through this. If you need to talk about anything, I'm here." Then give her a big hug. And keep making statements like this any time you feel she is suffering because of her flaky mother.

Stop punishing her. It won't work.

So this is your step-daughter and stepson you are talking about?

Where is her father? He needs to step up and take control of this.

She is having a NORMAL reaction to an abnormal situation.

Who is prescribing the Prozac and why are they not monitoring her?
You need to update the prescriber on her condition and tell them s/he needs to contact a children's psychiatrist and therapist ASAP. Let the physician who prescribed it call for the appointment so the referral can understand the urgency.

I am assuming the father was given sole custody, or is the state the custodian and they are placed with you?

If it is the later, you need to contact your caseworker and let s/he know you need services ASAP.

I'm so sorry she's in such pain. And she is in emotional pain; she wants mommy and mommy doesn't seem to want her, in this little girl's mind.

If she is on Prozac, she is seeing a therapist -- isn't she? I hope she is not just taking the medication; it should go hand in hand with very regular visits to talk to a therapist who specializes in children who have been separated from their parents and children who have anger control issues. If she has a therapist, what you say here should be said to that therapist -- whom you should be seeing too. It's very important for her therapist to know what goes on at home between office appointments! The food stealing, yelling, refusal to do anything -- those all scream out for professional help, both for her and for you. You should be seeing someone who can give you advice on what to say to her and what to do (especially because sending her to her room clearly does NOT work--that's sending her to her favorite place with all her personal stuff right there).

You say she and her brother were "placed in my home" so I assume this is some kind of foster placement? Are you a relative? Do you have some form of legal custody or guardianship? If they were placed with you and it's fostering, the agency that is in charge of the foster care arrangements should be able to direct you to counseling for you and for her.

If she is not seeing a therapist for regular sessions, please, please get her to someone. If you can't afford it, talk to that fostering agency, talk to your county or city mental health department, talk the counselor at her school. Ask about clinics and therapists with low-cost or sliding scale fees. The defiance and anger really do need more help than most parents or foster parents can give day to day when you have to deal with her acting out.

You are doing a really good thing by taking in her and her brother, whatever the circumstances are. You can help her through this (though you cannot make her mom act like a mom, or make her mom be consistent in visits, sadly). But do reach out for all the professional help you can. Start with the school counselor if you aren't sure where else to start. If there's already a therapist involved, talk with that therapist yourself and be sure he or she knows what you're telling us here, and gives you some advice.

She is biologically my step daughter, they were living with their mother when her and her brother were removed and naturally she came with us, we took her brother in to keep from separation.
She is on 3ml of prozac a day, she's been on it for about a month.
Court orders states she gets them one weekend a month so I can't exactly deny visitations.
I am currently working with a hospital to get her into a pychiatrist specializing in trauma.
I was just confused and upset with my original post this morning. Thank you all with the kind words.

She needs psychotherapy and to have her meds looked at. Poor thing. How could this situation not have her messed up? Please be selective in who you get for her. There are a wide range of doctors but please do research into finding a good match for her and the "right" one will make all the difference. God bless you for taking this on...

i'm hearing a lot more of a focus on punishing her for acting out than i am ANYTHING about supporting her through her terrible confusion, grief and fear over losing her mother.
are you an adoptive parent, or is this your stepdaughter?
is she in counseling? is the family?
who cares if she sings and dances when she's in her room? it's HER room. the point is to remove her from the family when she's acting out. when she's out of sight, she can do whatever she wants to get herself through her periods of feeling out of control. she's got to, doesn't she? who else does she have?
focus less on getting her to show remorse and more on giving her the support she needs.
khairete
su

You do realize this child needs therapy and less grounding and being in trouble, right?

She's suffering and screaming in every way she can that she needs help.