Slightly Heartbroken

I think you are getting the same message from everyone. The day is about your friend, not you. I would be recommending you tell your friend you could not be there for her if you didn't have any help, but you are already bringing your in-laws for the weekend so it should be no problem to have them watch the kids for the reception too. I completely understand how you feel about leaving your children as I have GREAT difficulty leaving mine. I have left my children (ages 5 and 8 months) for weddings ONLY! I have NEVER hired a babysitter, much to my husbands great disappointment. The joke is now that I will have to do that before they turn ten years old! I really like to be the one taking care of my children, but it is going to benefit everyone (including your kids) if you are able to let go and let someone help you. Also, the best gift you could give to the bride would be to not bring this up with her. Get it off your chest with anyone else. She doesn't need to feel guilty about wanting an adult wedding which is what most people want. Having kids there does change the atmosphere and like everyone else posted... it's not your kids that are the problem... it is that if you let one kid come, you have to let them all come and it gets expensive! Enjoy the time with your husband and be grateful you have grandparents that are involved in their lives and willing to support you and travel with you. Not everyone is so lucky! HAVE FUN! Good luck!

I agree with the other moms...........don't take it personal! Alot of people, including myself, did not want children at my wedding reception. As a bride, it truly is THE ONE day to shine and be the center of attention and have everything the way you dreamed of. Besides, you are the matron of honor and with that "job" comes a lot of responsibility, especially the day of the wedding and you wouldn't have time to "watch over" your children. Enjoy the day without the children. You'll be all dressed up, hair and make up done...........what a treat for your hubby!!! Spend the few precious hours just being an adult and reconnecting with your husband!!!! You'll be surprised how those few precious hours can "jump start" your relationship.......even if you don't think your relationship needs a "jump start", you'll be surprised!!!!!!

As for childcare, maybe the bride has arranged for babysitting? I would ask her. If she is not, then definitely bring your in laws if they are willing......you are lucky!!!

Enjoy the wedding! Everything will be fine. Relax and have a good time!!!

Hi L., I am singing at a wedding in a few weeks and when the bride, a good friend of mine asked me to do so, here is what she explained. She knows that I have a 2 year old, and that I am traveling both 1) far from my home and 2) far from my nearest family (3 hours). What she offered is that because they are having an adult reception, she was arranging for a babysitter to be on kid duty during that time. If your bride-friend has not volunteered this information, would you feel comfortable asking her if she could make such a thing available? In-town gigs are one thing, where several families can just hire their regular baby sitter. Hiring someone cold in a new city might be a bit intimidating. I would be honest and brainstorm with the bride if you and your husband don't forsee another obvious solution. I'm sure she asked you to be in the bridal party because she wants YOU there. Best wishes, and like a couple other mom's said - you might actually enjoy the adult night (though I'm still a wreck when I'm away from the tot). Good luck!

Hi there,

I'm sorry to hear that you feel hurt by your very good friend's decision to have an "adult only" wedding. However callous as this sounds, you shouldn't try to take her decision personally.

I, too, had an "adult only" wedding. The reason? I got married in a reception place that had expensive antiques; I needed to take out an insurance policy "in case" something got destroyed, broken, etc...

Now, I don't know if this applies to your friend's case, but let me give you something else to think about: what if she only is having an "adult only" wedding because she knows that a few of her guests who would bring their kids have kids who, for lack of a better word, are a little out of control? This way, by making it "adult only," she doesn't have to exclude only certain children and then anger a specific guest and sever that relationship.

I hope you are able to look at your friend's wedding as a chance to focus in on herself and her future husband. A chance for one night, to give herself what secretly many of us want: a night just about us. Yeah, I wouldn't be too thrilled about leaving my kids home either (one is 18 months and the other is one month) -- and ironically, I plan on doing so in May 2009 when my good friend gets married on Long Island, NY and I am a bridesmaid -- but the reality is that when do we really have time for just ourselves? And that applies to you, too. I hope you are able to see this from your friend's perspective, whatever that perspective is, and have a wonderful weekend with you and your husband as you celebrate one of your friend's biggest lifetime milestones.

Good luck!

T. :)

Dear L.,
Try not to take it personnally. You have to understand two things. First of all, your kids probably aren't the only children of guests. Even though your children may be well behaved, other are not! Also, weddings are extremely expensive, and even children's menus are expensive. Again, I don't think your friend wanted to slight you in any way. She is probably eliminating all children so as not to choose some over others!
Try to have a good time!!

My husband and I didn't want children at our wedding either, nor were their children in the wedding. It isn't a personal thing. Our thinking was that we want everyone to have a good time without their kids and sometimes things go on at weddings that I don't think are appropriate for children to see. Also it is expensive to pay for a meal for a child when it doesn't even get eaten. If they let you bring your kids they have to let everyone bring their kids.

Bring your in laws along to watch the kids and bond with with your husband. You need the time together.

Hi L.,

My honest two cents...it doesn't matter what you want. This isn't your event, you aren't paying for this wedding and have no say in the decisions made. It's perfectly acceptable for a couple to decide they want an adult event and as the best friend of the bride, the matron of honor, I would think you'd want to respect your friend's desires for her special day. Leaving your kids with family to go to a wedding or away anywhere doesn't indicate a lack of love or devotion to them. It means you are normal adults who want and need some alone time. It's not as though you are leaving them with strangers either, you are bringing your in-laws for pete's sake. Lighten up and respect the brides wishes, how would you feel if the roles were reversed?

Enjoy the day without your kids, it's really ok to do that.

J.

and PS - regarding the "...and by then people are too drunk to care about kids anyway" wouldn't want my kids around that behavior anyway.

and pss - 3 years old? They are not going to remember a blessed thing about their Aunties wedding.

I agree with alot of the other posts, I've never been to a wedding that had children other than those that were actually in the wedding party i.e. flower girl or ring bearer. I had to go to a wedding when my son was 6 months old and because I was breastfeeding I absolutely had to bring him so I brought a younger babysitter who I trusted, got her a room at the hotel and she could take care of my son while I went to the reception. If I needed to go see him I could go right upstairs. If you have in-laws willing to go help take care of the kids, that will allow you to focus on your friend's big day. I wouldn't take it personally, the children thing is hard to deal with. And when you invite one you have to invite all and sometimes that is way too much for some people. Hope you enjoy yourself!

Hi L.

Don't take it personally. When I got married, I had an adults only reception. I now have 3 children whom I love dearly but wouldn't want to take to a wedding reception. Cost is a often factor and many times people don't want to choose which kids to allow and which to say stay home to. I can almost guarantee you that it was definately not a decision she made about your kids, probably just a blanket decision. It seems like you are anxious about being away from them, take the time to try and have some fun and let mom mom and pop pop enjoy the time with the kids!

I understand and appreciate your hurt feelings, but the bride might be making such a blanket statement becuase of other kids in her family. Even though your children would be fine, not all kids can sit for long periods of time. If you still want your children with you, in the same city, bring them and plan a wonderful vacation for them and the in-laws. DC is am amazing city for kids. We visit a few times a year and my 5 and 2 year old loves the museums.
I must admit, however, that I was shocked that you do not feel comfy leaving your kids with the in-laws or your husband for a weekend. You might want to take a look at those feelings. Either you need to let go a bit or you are very perceptive and your kids need to be protected.
Good luck.
ER

L.,
I understand how you feel about leaving your kids. I am the same way about my kids. I do not go out of town without them. Maybe your in-laws can take the kids sightseeing or watch them in the hotel while you attend the wedding.

When my husband and I married, we knew there were going to be tons of kids because our families are huge so we did not go the per-plate route. Our family members are great cooks. We had our family members prepare and serve the meal and all were able to come.

With that said, your friend may be trying to save costs by eliminating kids who often don't eat the food which is a waste of money. It is always good to share your feelings with the person who are having an issue with. I find when I don't that I become bitter and it comes out at a later time.

I really don't think you should feel offended. My own sister in law had an adult only reception. I think people figure it is more classy that way. If you are really that nervous about leaving your kids...you have the right idea about bringing along your inlaws. We attended a wedding in NC this september. I have to say that the weekend with my husband was wonderful! I can see where you may be coming from...but also think you could have a room with a jacuzzi and wine with your husband :-) I am sure with grandmom and pop pop they are in wonderful hands.

Don't take it personal. I too had an adult reception. The only people under the age of 18 at the reception were in my wedding. There were several people's children that I wouldn't have minded being there, but then there were other people's kids that I absolutely didn't want there. So it was easier to eliminate all the children then to hurt one person's feelings. So maybe it's the same situation here. Another thing to factor is the cost per head. I know I paid half price for the two kids that were in my wedding. Mind you it was 10 years ago but it cost me $35 for each kid to eat chicken fingers. Bit of a rip off if I do say so myself. So that could be a factor also.

I don't know how this is going to sound, but I am trying to look at things from both sides. Yes, you love your children and will miss them, but you have to remember that this is her day. You are her best friend, and matron of honor. There are many things that you are going to have to do for you friend that day, and this is the most important day of her life thus far. It's not as if she does not love your children or think that you would just leave them at home; my own sister-in-law, my son's Godmother, sis not want children at her recent reception, and I completely understood. My son is the same age and I love spending time with him. But, I also enjoyed the reception much more without him there, because I had to do a lot for my sister-in-law that day. Also, I was able to spend the night out with my husband.

Why don't you bring a family member with you to the destination and have that person stay with your children while you are enjoying the wedding festivities? This way, you'll be able to spend time with your children during the weekend and they'll be close to you, but you won't have to be so far away from them.

You also have to remember that the majority of people do not want children at their wedding receptions, and that is the norm, not the other way around. I come from a huge family, and younger kids are never invited to receptions, even if they are in the wedding. It is nothing to take personally; she still loves your children.

Good Luck!

Following up a little on the previous post. She may have thought you'd *like* to have some grown-up married people time. I'd welcome some time away from my kids, yes I love them to pieces, but I could use some time to be a wife, not just Mom. Enjoy the time with your husband. Your kids will be fine with the grandparents.

Also, I really don't think a wedding reception is for children. I have never been to one where children were invited. As good as your children may be, some other people may not be. You really can't pick and choose whose kids to invite and whose to not invite. Not to mention you are the MOH, your job is to help the bride and you don't need to be worrying about the kiddos.

Try to have fun and enjoy the grown up time!