Sleepless Nights and Behaviors

I feel you sister. I have 2 year old twin boys and a 8 week old and going to the store is an absolute nightmare. I really try to leave the boys w/ their dad and take the baby. However, the advice I have been given about acting out or temper tantrums is remain calm and ignore them or act like you do not care. I have left stores b/c of situations where I have felt like I was going to break. Keep consistent, I know you probably have some guilt about the split but discipline is very good for little ones. I give time out in there rooms just sit nothing else over and over and over. My one twin boy has been loud since birth and it literally pierces my ears, he has been totally throwing teper tantrums and I refuse this behavior, timeouts and a swat onthe butt, tell him what he did wrong, he is finally getting it under control or I am getting it under control. I hope I have helped in anyway. Good Luck to you and hang in there!!!!

You can't change everything at once. I suggest you first target sleep. All three kids are old enough to sleep through the night. First, make sure you have a daily routine that includes same time waking up and getting outside to play early in the day. This will reset their circadian rhythms. Make sure there is nap time - for all of you, again, at the same time each day. The two younger ones might need a couple of naps, which would give you alone time with the three year old.
After you have the day time routine in place, then start developing a bed time routine, which should start hours before actual bed time. Usually, it starts with the last meal. Ideally, it should start on a day when the kids had a lot of outdoor play early in the day. Meal, bath, bed time story, then off to bed. You have to be committed to it. Just have confidence and patience.
There are a couple of good books on sleep. The classic one is written by Ferber. Paul Fleiss, a pediatrician in Los Angeles, also wrote one, as did Dr. Sears.

With the changes you all are going through, the best things for the kids right now is structure and stability. They need to know that they must sleep in their own beds. It's so hard not to give in when you're desperate for sleep yourself, but take a few nights and be very persistent about laying them back down in their own beds. Maybe you could work really hard over the weekend or on days off, but just remember that you have to be more stubborn than they are! You want your kids to feel loved and secure, but also remember this-they might be better off safe in their beds, even screaming, than if you go in there angry and frustrated. (And it usually doesn't take long to get to that point in the middle of the night!) But you're right, lack of sleep can lead to lots of other problems.

Another mom wrote some great advice about the store. I have found that if I make my list in the order of the aisles at the store, my trip goes much faster. Ignoring the fits really does work, too.

Try not to get frustrated. Just keep doing the best you can, and things will get better. Good luck!

I'm sure money is tight and I almost hate to even suggest this. But did you know that HyVee only charges 15 dollars to deliver? I ALWAYS forget that. But I've done it before. You can order from the website where you can sit and pick out your products at your own leasure. They do have store brands so you can choose wisely enough to make up the 15 dollars you would spend on delivery.

I'm sorry that this is a difficult time for you now. Frankly, I'd just let them climb into bed with me. You don't have a man in your bed and for so many reasons I sure hope you don't unless you reconcile with their father. That would be the LAST thing your family needs right now. I know people say it's hard to get the kids out of your bed. But I've never been happier or closer to my kids as when they were little and we shared a bed. I have 4 daughters and they are all happy and healthy and none of them stayed in bed with us forever. 3 of them are grown, confident and all managers on their jobs. It didn't do them any harm.

It sounds to me like there are a few mothers on here with similar problems and it would be good to exchange daycare with each other for this sort of thing. For years I took all my daycare kids with me shopping plus my own kids. We still go shopping on occasion even though I have help now. I've never had any child scream or pitch a fit like that in the store. So I really don't know what it's like. But I hate to say I'm one of those people shaking my head when I see it.

When we are driving to the store I am going over the rules all the way there. When we drive anyplace we are going over the rules. If anyone gets out of line in the car on the way there, fighting etc.. We turn around and go home. My kids are just really great kids. BUT YES, I also believe in giving grace to these kids sometimes. They will never be perfect. This weekend my daughter was horrible in a way I've never seen her before. We went out of town over the weekend and she was so excited that she was impatient and wanted to go to the next activity before we were ready or didn't want to end what we were doing. She made dorky faces and even whined which she never does. As hard as it was, I'd chew her out for her behavior briefly and then pull her into a hug. I waited until we were home to tell her what a brat she was! LOL. But I really can't blame her. It was a worlwind trip and went way too fast. She just wanted to fit everything in on a trip that was too short.

I'm glad you received a lot of helpful advice here :) Hang in there. It will get better.

Suzi

A.,
There are no easy answers when you are a mother, but my heart goes out to you because you have 3 so young. I only have a couple of suggestions.
My first is just a simple word "Grace". Grace is... when we do not get a punishment that we truly do deserve. I think of Jesus when I think of Grace. This is so important when we have little ones. There are times when we just need to stop, and pick them up and love on them. I know this is very hard...and when they are tired it sometimes does not change the crying, however they do remember. I think for myself it helps more then bribing or screaming or some of the other options. I am not saying you do not do this, but I am reminding you that it is sometimes required. Yes, I would have allowed them to have the cookie, instead of opening things in the store and explained in the car that Mommy is very sad and disappointed in the way they behaved tonight.
Again, it may not stop the behavior but there are times they just need Grace.
Secondly, it sounds like you are all very tired from little to no sleep. Getting kids to sleep in there own bed is very difficult! I struggle with it myself. Consistancy is Huge. You do great until 2am or 3am. When you give up, they win! They have learned that if they keep it up, that you will eventually give in. If just one or two nights you can stay with it...and even go sit in there room as they fall asleep, instead of them comming to your room, then over time they will unlearn what they have learned about sleeping with you.
They are in a very scary time of life to have Mommy and Daddy split up and it will be a hard task to complete, but you can do it.
Each night will be better and better if you can only survive one.
Last... I would strongly encourage you to find a local church and ask if they teach a class called Growing kids God's way. It is not perfect, but it helped me and my husband a ton and they talk alot about the sleeping and discipline issues.
God bless you!
C.

Wow A.! May I first start off my saying "my hats off to you" for raising 3 little ones under the age of 4 as a single parent.

Now my 1st question is, WHERE IS THE FATHER? A., you are overwhelmed trying to raise your children alone. YOU NEED HELP! Do you have family or friends who can take the kids for a while so that you can run errands or even sleep for a few hours? Lack of sleep only adds to your stress and I would suggest you get off the computer at night and use that time to sleep.

If you have to take your kids with you to the store, pick a time of day when they're not tired/sleepy and only pick up those things that are necessary so you won't tire them out.

Secondly, don't start letting your older children sleep in your bed. I know it's easier to let them, but you're opening a can of worms that will be hard to break later on. Keep then in their beds no matter how many times you have to take them back.

Thirdly, stop beating yourself up! You are to be commended for raising your kids as a single mom and I'm sure you're doing a good job. You just need help from your soon-to-be ex, family and friends.

I hope you will ask for help. There's no shame in realizing you need help. We all do from time to time!

Wow- so many memories your letter brought back.
Do you have help? You need it! If you can get a family member friend or neighbor to watch the kids while you go to the store. I got to the point that I wouldn't take mine at all. I would run in before picking them up from day care or call a babysitter, otherwise there is no sense going becauseit was a horible experience. One idea some one gave me; Cut pictures out of the store ad and make shopping a treasure hunt- try to find their picture in the store. Try not to by things for them because they will come to expect it AND if theysream for something and you give in- they will scream louder and longer the next time. If you're going to give in anyway, give in the first time they ask. Other wise "no" means "NO".
Part of the sleeping issue is probably a result of the divorce and stressors in the house before the divorce. One thing that worked for me- I let my children come in to my room but I made a bed on the floor with a blanket or sleeping bag. That way they felt like they were with me and I got a little more sleep. Two resoures I can reommend: Kids in the Middle for kids of divorced parents and Family Resource Center . Both are United Way agencies and have reduced fee scales. (I have used both myself) Good luck- it gets better-'til they hit the teens LOL

I'm sorry you have your hands so full. I cannot imagine dealing with the emotions of a divorce and trying to be a good mom to three little ones on such little sleep.

I don't want to sound like I am any sort of expert as I only have a 3-year-old and one on the way. It sounds as if you're doing some things right - the consistency in the store and initially having them each sleeping and in their own beds.

I don't know if you've heard of the book Toddler Wise. I think it has a lot of good advice about structure and routine. That is going to be critical for you right now. Baby Wise was one where it talked a lot about getting kids to sleep through the night and it might be good to take a second look at that, too.

I have to say, as much as I understand your giving in at 2am, I think you are shooting yourself in the foot by allowing them to sleep with you. Because they are learning this is what it takes to get my way. This is their new "routine". I would take a few days and privately declare "bed war" and be prepared to stick it out and keep putting them back in bed. Maybe you could look at sleeping arrangements. Maybe if the baby wakes an older child, have them be the "helper" in getting the baby back to sleep and discuss how important it is to go to sleep like "big boys" or "big girls". After the older child helps, maybe they'll feel they've accomplished something and go back to bed.

I don't know - I just wanted to respond and give a few ideas. I wish you all the best. I did notice you're about to go back to school. You may be forced to do this with your current situation but may I suggest waiting another year or so... your kids are going through so much transition... they might just need you to take a little more time to focus on helping them get through this time.

Again, good luck.

As far as the store is concerned; you're doing the right thing by not giving in to them and letting them have treats when they're not behaiving properly, but next time one them starts to throw a fit in the store instead of taking them to the restroom, and giving them attintion (which is what they're looking for in any way they can get it) try just ignoring the fit, and keep walking. If one of them is on the floor kicking and screaming; just keep going. When they realize that you're not going to respond and that you'll leave them where they lay; it could get their attintion and let them know that that isn't the way to get what they want. And if all else fails...try putting yourself on their level and show them just how rediculous they look to everyone. It might be imbarracing but throw a fit just like they are doing. And when they're standing there looking at you with a funny look on their faces; tell them "now see how stupid you look when you act like this?" Let them know that if they imbarrace you in the store you'll make them stand in the corner when they get home for a long time, and do it.

As for the sleeping all night in their own beds. Again ignore them when they get up and want you to put them in your bed. Or try to let them fall asleep with you and then put them back in their beds. After they fall asleep you can also try to put a radio in the room playing softly. The continuous music might help to keep them asleep. But once you let them sleep with you even for a little while; they'll find that it's it the most secure place, and they'll never want to sleep alone again. It will get harder and harder the longer you go without a solution. And if you try to ignore them and make them cry it out; it might be harder for you at first then it is for them, but you have to follow through and give in to be affective, and once it finally works the problem should be solved for good.

As for the behavior - I feel you pain!!! I suggest that you get the book 1-2-3 Magic! It works wonders - I promise! You'll be a happier, more in-charge Mom and your kids WILL listen to you! I wish you luck!

A., I suggest seeking behavioral counseling and divorce counseling for families. They are just being jealous kids. I have an 8 year old son from my first marriage, 3 year daughter with Aspergers Autism and a 3 month old baby. My daughter does not process thoughts and mannerisms as we do, she has had free in home behavior counseling for the last year. I understand yours probably dont have austism, but there are outreach programs for women going through a divorce. They are scared, jealous and are looking for reassurance that you are going to be there and not leave. And as for the wanting what the other wants I am learning that is sibling rivalry stuff and you have to be firm. If they insist on acting up in the store tell them once if they act up you will leave....then do it. Pick a time when you dont have them to go to the store. Or ask a friend or relative to keep 1 or 2 of them or all three so you can get a break and get your shopping done peacefully. My daughter used to throw screaming fits in the store, we stopped taking her. Either we get a sitter or my husband goes by himself. Granted you dont have that option with the divorce but there are other ways around it. AS for getting up through the night my daughter has been doing that since the baby was born, and it is very exhausting, I have no solution to dealing with it. I can suggest before bedtime make it a routine to brush your teeth together then read a book and say prayer and remind the child that after prayer it is time to go to sleep like a big kid and stay in their bed. It will take 1-2 weeks but this should help. Just be consistent with it.

Good luck! And remember WALK AWAY when the frustration is too much. You are going through a lot emotionally right now with the divorce dont let that frustration get the best of you.

Take care!

I have 3 kids about the same age as yours. I have a 3 year old, a 21 month old, and a 7 month old. We struggle with the sleeping also. The 7 month old sleeps thru the night unless he is sick or teething then he gets up. The 21 month old gets up randomly during the night usually right at about 2:00 in the morning. The oldest doesn't get up unless she is sick or the baby wakes her. This is what we do and it works for us. We usually take the 21 month old back to bed and lay there with her for awhile until she falls asleep which we sometimes fall asleep ourselves. The 3 year old we do the same. Once they fall asleep we go back to our bed. The 21 month old I think was having nightmares and that was waking her up which I think is pretty common at that age. Also I think it is a way to get some attention.

Well good luck. I hope you get this figured out for your sake. I don't know if I could do 3 of them that close together on my own. I feel for you.

M.

A.,
There is no doubt in my mind that your children are vying for your attention and especially since Daddy is not there - they may feel that he deserted them and maybe fearful that you will too - That in itself may be reason for them to sleep lightly and wake often, just to make sure you are still there.

Another reason, ie., maybe they have become sensitive to the laundry detergent the bed linens have been washed in. Do they cough more when you lay them down? Runny nose? If this may be the problem - I would be glad to direct you to some safer, non-toxic alternatives. My son had asthma and I had to find safer, green cleaners to use.

There is an herbal remedy that helps me mellow out and get to sleep easier, especially when I am exhausted or anxious about something. It has been used with great success with hyperactive children. You can find out more about it at the following website https://www.shaklee.net/ser/product/20603
If you want more information - you can call or email me.

S.

Hi,
I've been down your road, and there is always some kind of help out there, which is what you need. If your soon-to-be ex-husband won't help with babysitting while you shop, then you'll have to find an alternative solution to finding help. Family, friends, church members are all willing, but you have to ask. Don't be afraid to ask for help. There may be a you-made-your-bed comeback, but in every situation there is bad with good, and in this case, the good will outweigh the bad. Also, sounds like they need more than you as an anchor. Keep searching until you find what works. Don't give up.
If you will allow, I have a poem you can ponder...
Don't Quit
When things go wrong, as they sometimes will;
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill;
When the funds are low, and the debts are high;
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh;
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.

Hope I was a help. Don't stop seeking help.

You need some help!!!! Do you have parents around or siblings? As far as taking 3 children your kid's ages to the grocery store, you are superwoman as far as I'm concerned.

I second the idea of counseling for you, not because I think there is anything wrong with you but because you need someone to talk to who is on your side. A lot of this is the aftermath of divorce and separation. You all have been affected and you need someone to walk through this with you. I sure admire you, mom of three and planning on going to school. You will get through this I promise and you will sleep again.
God bless you

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through a rough time. The good news is, you can get this under control while they are still young.

I think once you get the sleep issue taken care of, the days will be much easier for all of you. Do they have a quiet, consistent, and calm bed time routine? If not, this would be very important for you to establish with all three of your kids. It might look like:
1. everyone help clean up
2. bath time and lotion
3. brush teeth
4. stories
5. hugs and kisses

Something that will help wind them down and let them know it's bed time is essential. Also, it is important that their bed time is early enough. Staying awake too late at night can cause their bodies to release hormones that will keep them awake. For kids under three, I would think that they should be asleep no later than 8. It may seem contradictory, but kids usually sleep better when they are fully rested, not when they are over-tired.

As for the waking up, establish a rule for yourself when they wake up. Whatever it is, be consistent with it and do it every night. I would suggest just not going in to get your kids when they wake up. They may not like this but they will get the picture after a few nights. None of them are at the age where they need to be fed during the night, so there's really no reason why you should have to be up with them. This takes several sleepless nights to get through at first, but it will be worth it when they all start sleeping through the night. If you do need to go in the room, don't talk to them or stimulate them, but just gently pat their back or comfort them without getting them out of bed. If that doesn't work, you may need to stay out of the room all together.

Once you and your kids are getting better sleep, you will be more able to handle the behavior during the day. But, whether you're tired or not, you need to be consistent with the tantrums and the way you handle behavior. NO exceptions! You are right, bad behavior does not mean you get a cookie!

As you know, kids this age feel very strongly about what they want and have very strong emotions. Helping them learn how to effectively deal with these emotions can help. Kids don't automatically know how to go from raging emotions to a calm state. This is a skill that parents have to teach.
--Sometimes they need to get out their anger in a tantrum. Just ignore it and make sure they are safe. When they are a little calmer, calmly talk with them about their feelings: "I see you're very sad/angry right now. I can't let you have... but you CAN have..." Validating their feelings is important. They need to know that it is OK to be upset, but it is not OK to scream and throw a fit. By naming their feelings, it can be less confusing and overwhelming to them. It helps them sort out their feelings.
--Give them an alternative to screaming or whatever the bad behavior is. "You may not throw toys, but you can throw a ball." or "When you are angry, you can use your words to tell me that you are mad. You can say 'That makes me mad' or I don't like that' "
--Stick to your word when you say something is not allowed, but focus on what they CAN do or CAN have instead of what they can't. "I'm sorry you're sad. We can't have candy at the store but we can have a snack when we get in the car. Would you like granola bars or fruit?" Giving them two acceptable choices throughout the day can also let them feel like they have some control in their world, but not an overwhelming amount.
--Also, make sure your tone of voice is firm, but respectful. If you sound worn out, overwhelmed, and winey, your kids will see that and might try to be more persistent, or they may wine more themselves based on your mood.

The most important aspect is to be consistent. Just as important though, I think you need to remember to be silly and have fun with your kids too. I'm sure you already do this, but sometimes when we're exhausted and frustrated (not to mention the marital stress you're going through) it can be hard to remember to be positive with your kids. Letting loose and being silly with them can remind them how much you enjoy being with them and how important they are to you. It can bring you guys closer together and relieve some of the stress of disciplining. When they are always being redirected or disciplined, it kinda starts to all sound the same and they stop paying attention. Make sure you lighten the mood sometimes and you will probably see some improvement in the behavior.

Sorry this is so long! I work with parents and kids under three so let me know if you would like any additional help or ideas that are specific to your situation.
Best wishes! C.

You have your hands full! It's about power. If your kid's can yank your chain, they will do it.

I don't know if you have a bedtime routine. If you don't, try to figure one out. You might start with the youngest, give them a little concentrated attention, story, etc. Then, lights out, that' is. Tell the older two, that's it. Let the screaming begin. Nothing is going to happen to them except they will get tired and go to sleep, long before 2 am. You can give each of them one check - I heard you screaming, are you hurt or sick? No, see in you in the morning.

Not sleeping is one of the first and most powerful power play. If you are going to have any kind of order and discipline in a house of 3 kids, you need to make it crystal clear who is boss. You! They don't dictate sleeping, eating, behavior, you do! Period.

It won't be pleasant for awhile, but in the long run (my kids are 17 and 21, it will pay off.

A. - First... take a deep breath just for a moment. Let me say, I know how you feel, I'm a single mother of a 4 and 5-y/o boys and they have their issues just the same. The hardest part is us as moms dealing with them when they double (or in your case, triple team) us. I realized though that my 4-y/o stopped getting so cranky when he got all 8-10/12 hours of sleep like the books suggested. And a 2-3 hour nap in the middle of the day up til he was 3. When he turned 4, his energy spiked and didn't need a nap anymore. I had no idea how much lack of sleep can make a child cranky, but it's a lot like us, the less sleep I get or the more interrupted sleep I get, the more irritable I become. It's natural. the trick: how do you get all the kids to get sleep when one of them wakes everyone in the house up? I know, there's no easy black and white answer for that except to let them try to sleep in as much as possible (which is not easy for me when I have to get up and go to work in the morning) I would suggest when putting them in the bed, letting them lay in the bed (if you have a laptop) while you are on your computer on the floor in their room with all the lights out in the house at bedtime. When they start to fall asleep or quiet down, ease a little closer to the door and continue until they don't realize you're moving and ease on out. It took me 2 weeks to get those rugrats out of my bed when they were 2 and 3 but it was well worth the 2 weeks! After they started getting to sleep or sleeping through the night, they woke up cheerful and were ready for the day. Another idea, if this is difficult to do at night, you can always put a radio in their room that plays classical music to help them get to sleep with a noise in the background (and put it on repeat until you know the 1-y/o is done waking up in the middle of the night) it'll drown out the 1-y/o (if he sleeps in a different room) and give you time to get to him before he wakes the other 2 up.

I hope these 2 ideas help you out just a little, give it time and stick with it! DON'T GIVE IN AND LET THEM SLEEP WITH YOU - they won the battle if you do. Many of us have been exactly where you are and I promise you, it can get better! Good luck and let us know how it turns out!

C. - Single mother of a 5-y/o son diagnosed with Mild Mental Retardation and Verbal Apraxa and a 4-y/o son with the energy of a jumping bean!

A.
How is their nutrition? Are they getting vitamins but not minerals? They may need minerals. Liquid minerals are easy for children to take. I can send you a CD to explain. Go to my web site: www.heavyMetalToxicity.com or call me for more info. ###-###-####
Have you tried applying lavender oil on their feet at bedtime or other oils? Use only pure oils on the body or to diffuse in the air. All will relax. This may be less expensive than family counselling which is another option.

I just wanted to second that you are superwoman! Taking three kids to the store, all under 3 is crazy. I only have 1 and sometimes I struggle with just one. First off, don't put so much pressure to do things right. You must do what works for you. If you think throwing a fit in the middle of the grocery store might just work, then do it! If you are worried about others reactions, take them down a clothes aisle with less people and then throw down :). I have heard this does work. As for sleep, I went throught the same thing with waking up at night. I followed the advice from Supernanny. go in to check, no words, no eye contact, no cuddles. Make is a boring as possible. then walk out. do this for 5 min, then 10 min, then 15 min and so on until they fall asleep. I did this the first time and it did not work, or I gave in after an hour. But one night i had had it when my husband was out oft own and i was alone. I put on my headphones so i could not hear him and grabbed a magazine and sat there outside his closed door and went in every 5, 10, 15 and it lasted for about 2 hours. But the time flew by with my music and my magazine. when i went in a the two hour mark, he was sound asleep. the next night he tried teh same thing, so i did the same thign and it only last 30 min. The third night, it last about 30 min adn then we did ont have any issues on a regular basis. He was about 1 then. He is now 3 and I have to wake him up for daycare now. But wow what work it took and patience.

Don't reach your breaking point. Get help. Is there a mom group in your area you could join and switch off for some free time? I agree that if you can get their sleep under control, the days will be that much better and not so cranky.

Routine, Routine, Routine.

Pat yourself on your back. You are a wonderful mother and remind yourself that. don't give up, you will get this undercontrol and some thing will work.