Sister Troubles...

I have stayed away from family before because they were mistreating me or my children. If it is just a case of "they have annoying personalities" then I just go and grin-and-bear-it. With me, it seems like with both instances people change as time goes on. Hang in there and good luck to you!

I hear you and I am in the same boat.
I asked my sister recently if she loved me. It took her so long I was insulted. She answer was "Well.... I.. love you because you are my sister...."

I told her if she really loved me she would attend counseling with me.. She told me she was "really not interested in that " and "has a lot going on in her life." I asked her if she felt I was worth her effort.. Again an insulting pause.. And then "well I guess we can talk about it.". That was 2 months ago..

Sometimes I think we just need to take a break from even the people we love. I do not deserve to be treated this way, So I am giving her a break and ma a time to decide what it is I really want, or need from our relationship..

You deserve to be loved and respected by your family. Follow your heart it tells you what you need to do..

Hi N., I think the right thing to do is go to her son's birthday party because 1.) her son (your nephew) didn't do anything wrong but has been missing out on seeing his family 2.) your sister tried to make peace with you today by coming over and trying to re-start your birthday traditions since it sounds like birthdays are really important to your family. 3.) she's your family and it sounds like the worst thing she has done is want you all to be together!

I have a friend who has a similar personality to your sister's - she likes things the way they are and never wants them to change. Your sister got upset about Christmas because she loves that tradition and has probably been hurt that you didn't want to continue it. While it's perfectly fine for you to do your own thing, try to understand her feelings. Since you moved back to be closer to your family I would go to the birthday party, be nice and try to start mending fences. I'm not sure what you mean about "keeping your integrity?" Good luck!

I think I would go to the party in this case. I agree with a previous poster that said your nephew didn't do anything wrong, so he shouldn't be punished by your absence (and that of your son). I'm sure he just wants his cousin to be at his party! If you want to have an ongoing relationship (no matter how close), you should try to go to the party. As for Christmas, do your own thing in the morning. I don't think that is unreasonable and if, once you explain your reasons, your family is still upset, then that is on them and they will just have to figure out how to deal with it. You can decide what you will and won't be involved with when it comes to your sister and her family, but in this case, it is your nephew that will miss out if you don't go, so I would do it for him. You don't even have to stay the whole time...just make an appearance for an hour or so and move on with your day. But, try to have an open mind and a positive attitude and see how your sister responds. She is making an effort by coming over, so give it a shot!

Aack! My brother and I are having issues right now and they are not that far off from yours with your sister. In fact your comment that " I don't really like who my sister has turned out to be" really hit home for me. I say the same thing about my brother.

All that being said, here is what I have decided to do. I do love my brother and up until 2 years ago when he got married, he was great. Rough on a few edges but great none the less. My relationship with him has really deteriorated due to his new found personality. I had to decide if I wanted him in my life or not. I really would rather not deal with him but I also hate the idea that there could be tension at family events, and anger over something that could be controlled. I decided to just make nice when I am with him - period! When I see him I just let it be, I smile ask questions and truly try to enjoy my time with him. Is it easy? NO! Is it better than a big uncomfortable mess in my life? YES!

Here is what it comes down to in my life in bullet point form:

- My mother will be hurt if he and I do not get along and that would crush me

- My children will learn quickly how to be the bigger person

- I only see him maybe once every other month if that - easy

- If there is an event or something we need to be together at, there is usually a lot of other people around. My time with him directly is probably 30 minutes total - easy

- I focus on the fact that the problem is his not mine.

- I know that even though he is a "his way or no way" guy, I still have the choice to say "NO" ! Just because I am being nice doesn't mean he needs to walk all over me!

- I will always show up to his kid's stuff when I can (and I do expect the same from him). It is about the kids not me or him.

- I will always put on my happy face, if I cannot, then I don't feel good and have to go home. = )

In short, don't make your sister's problem your problem. Don't teach your children to be hateful. Go to the dumb party, put on a happy face and let it be. Afterwards, go home and smile that you were the bigger person, and move on.

Good luck!

P.S. You are not being petty, all your feelings are very valid! You are the only one that can control your life so do it.

My sister hasn't talked to me in about nine months. Or maybe it was me that didn't talk to her. I am going to her son's baby's baptism (my great niece) in two weeks. I had cancer. I thought she would be supportive of me and apparently didn't think it was that big of a deal. I was scared to death. It takes too long to tell this story, but she had a stroke last year and an aneurysm. Apparently that was one upped by my cancer. Or who knows. Her family didn't talk to me, but my other two other sisters and a brother were there at the hospital or called me and my other brother kind of stuck with my older sister. Well, the party is at her house. I want to keep in touch with everyone else, I will probably nod and not talk to her. I'd rather her at 'arm's length' myself. It hurts sometimes really bad. I do not think it is petty it is self protective. She does not pay your bills. You will go to something when you are ready. In the meantime you can go or have another plan. You sound like you are still hurting. And that's okay, too.

I have someone in my family that is similar to your sister, my brother's wife. They have blown off my children's birthdays for the past couple of years and we rarely get to see them or their children. I also relate to your additional comment regarding talking behind backs and trying to compete to see who has the better life. I have become resigned to the fact that this is how they choose to live their life (my brother and I used to be close). I cannot change who they are and who they have become over the years. I may not want to have a close relationship with the adults, but I will be there for the children. I have gone to birthday parties and put up with the fakeness and tried to just enjoy the time with my nieces. It's not so difficult to put up with for a few hours when I see my children able to have fun and truly enjoy being with their cousins. Good luck to you!

So, I didn't read all the responses and I might be repeating. But, is it possible this is the "olive branch"? Maybe she wants to start mending things. It wouldn't hurt to go, especially if there isn't a cost to you. Check things out, and act like you believe she is wanting to fix things. If it ends up being same ol' stuff, then at least you know you took the high road by giving her a chance. Right?

Having similar issues with my older brother, I can say opt out, keep your sanity and integrity. I think you should still send a gift for the boy but other than that I would opt out. In my issues when I take my kids to his house for the get together I get the cold shouder and am the butt of all the jokes so...
Good luck.

I think you need to gauge what your emotional needs are and what you are capable of giving at this time. often when things come up at the last minute the best way to handle it is to say, If I had had more notice I would have been able to make it, but I already have plans I can't get out of. (they don't need to know if those plans are just taking care of yourself emotionally in all the family drama) can we drop a gift by on Friday and the kids could play for a bit? or Sunday--something you are comfortable with and on your terms?
If you are feeling emotionally secure that you could handle the party for say an hour, go for an hour and then bow out graciously. For me if my husband and I make an exit time, we keep to it even if we are feeling we can handle more because inevitably if we stay longer than that we end up regretting it but if we go when we said even though we are feeling we could handle more we are more likely to be ready for the next family get together.
I don't think it is "punishing" your nephew. Sometimes family can make it to things and sometimes they can't. The kid isn't going to remember who was and wasn't at each birthday party over the years. its impossible to go to everything--obviously they don't make it to everything and even if they can't or won't understand that, take care of you and your family first and then gauge what you can give from there. sometimes we need to give ourselves permission to heal and not be put in emotionally toxic environments. other times we are in a great place and the toxicity won't affect us.
whatever you decide don't do it out of guilt, but out of love for yourself, your family and your sisters family. if you go and are resentful the whole time its not going to do them any good either.

Well I think you answered your own question. You moved there to be closer to your family. You got what you wished for. Your sister sounds difficult but I think if you don't go this weekend you are sending a direct message that you want to stay away. If it is just her and her husband and kids then you skip it and it send a direct message to her since you wanna keep her at arms length, but if the rest of your family will be there you are stirring up a mess. As far as them blowing off your B'day is it the same for all adults in the family? My family only celebrates the kids and the super oldies the rest of us are on our own. If it is just you I would ask why. You can't pick your family and it is disappointing that your sis is this way. If you go this might open the door to future dialog where you can tell her your true feelings about her behavior. As far as Christmas who made your sister boss? It only makes sense that you want to enjoy the morning and go over later. Did you tell her that? By other family does that mean a mom or dad? Can you get their imput? I say bite the bullet go over and see where it takes you. Good luck.

Are you really sure she's mad at you for changing your Christmas plans? Maybe she was dissapointed at Christmas, but to still be mad doesn't sound right. Perhaps you think she's mad and she never really was. Sometimes when we do things like that, there's this little part of us that wants someone to still be upset, so, maybe she thinks you are the one that is not acting right. Just a thought.

I would sit down and have a conversation about how you feel and maybe her feelings will come out too, and you just might find it was all a misunderstanding.

Family is important, don't let something so petty come between you guys. Sisters are supposed to be there for each other not fight over who didn't do what.

I would suck up your feelings and go to the party. Do it for your son and your relationship with your sister. If you have an excuse why you are not going, then you end up looking like the bad guy, and you will loose respect w/ your family. I have a SIL that is always soooo busy and has a million excuses and therefore she isn't really respected or taken seriously by our family. Good luck, you'll probably have alot of fun at the party!

You are being petty! Sorry...I spent to many years away because of petty things and it is not fair to your kids or your family. DOn't teach your kids it is okay to not like their family! Family is very important this day and age, even if you don't like them all the time! Push your pride away be the bigger person, take off early if you have to. SOmetimes you have to fake a on coming of a headack while at the get together so you can leave. But atleast you showed up and before you know it you will be staying the whole time. My sister is the oldest and it it her way or the highway and I can't stand it. One year she had us redraw christmas names because she did not do it. I made of joke out of it and turned it on her. Now the family laughs about it. We now do family gifts which was her idea..okay not really but hey if she has to have the credit let her have it.

I would call her and tell her something came up and send him a card with money or a gift card.

Looks like I'm a bit late in responding as you've already gotten a TON of answers, and I've only read about a third of them, so sorry if I repeat, but I understand comepletely where you are coming from. We haven't really had a relationship with my Husband's brother and his wife (BIL and DH used to be close) because my SIL is manipulative, controling, and childish. She actually threw a fit at Christmas and refused to open any more gifts because we didn't get the correct brand (which she did not specify) of gift on her list. However we feel about HER, though, we always make time for our nephew. I'd say you need to set up boundaries...it is your right to decide whether or not you want to do the Christmas traditions your sister plans and she needs to accept that. Don't let her control you, but it sounds like maybe you are pouting a bit because YOU want to be in control...the only person you can control is yourself. You can't control what she does, only how YOU respond. Don't push your nephew away because his mother is being obnoxious....it sounds like he needs you!

I feel your pain, N., as I'm in a conundrum with my own sister, similar to yours. I moved back home to be closer to family and was very active in all by siblings' lives, even watching her daughter for her when she was born, etc. When I started having my own kids, none of my attention was reciprocated. In fact, my sister's behavior actually changed when she had her one and only child. She became so overly absorbed and obsessed with all things that child that she lost her best friend and she's pretty much lost me too. So I KNOW it's not me. Even her husband (my bro-in-law) has confessed that my sister is all about their daughter and not about him. I tell you all that because her behavior in general has strained our relationship. She and are were always close growing up, doing everything together. She was my confidante and my one true best friend. I know relationships change as we age, but I never expected my sister to "drop" me as a close friend and sister. But that's how I feel. Now, she doesn't return my phone calls, she never visits, never initiates getting together, and seems to be jealous of me when all of us siblings get together at our mother's house, our kids in tow. I will say this: I am 2 years older and have always been the alpha female of our siblings (i'm the eldest daughter, we have 2 older brothers and she is the youngest of us all). When I took off and chased my career around the country, she assumed an alpha female role, initiating family gatherings, sibling group gifts for parents, etc. When I came back and started doing that stuff too (it's always been in my personality), it seemed like she was miffed, as if I were stepping on her toes. Like who made her queen of our family?!? So her behavior change with me began with things like that. But again, I tell you, all I hear is that she is the one with issues going on ... no one in the family has said that I need to back off or be nicer or anything like that. So like you, N., I am sad at the loss of my sister. I detest the pettiness with which she handles virtually anything. I don't have the close relationship with her I used to. She's in her own world and I do admit I miss being a part of it. I envisioned us doing things together with our daughters, sharing information, etc. Instead, she seems content doing things on her own with her daughter, not including me in anything. And she only lives 15 minutes away. It's sad. I've tried to initiate being social and it hasn't been returned. Thus, there's nothing I can do, but move on and find new friends. I confide in my mom and she agrees with me but doesn't want to get involved. Family dynamics certainly change as we leave the nest, have kids, move on with our lives, get over our parents' deaths, etc. So my advice to you... attend the family events in whatever manner you choose, at your convenience. Be courteous and respectful and kind to your sister and don't give her a reason to be petty and ridiculous to you, but at the same time, accept the situation for what it is and move on with your heart. Maybe there will come a day that she'll come around for you. That's my hope for my sister. Hang in there!

Yes, you're being petty. If you expect her to give you need to give also. She may not have done it your way but she did invite you to the party. That sounds like a first step. Maybe you should respond with love. Family is family whether they do things your way or not. If you want to know your family then make it happen!

Try to think about your nephew in all of this. This isn't about your sister. Your nephew isn't to blame for her behavior, and he should not be punished for it. If you want a relationship with your nephew and your kids to have relationships with their cousins, go to the party. Sometimes one person just needs to take the high road, and if it isn't going to be her, it can be you.

Go to the party. (And don't" make waves" as you mentioned). This would be more in line with keeping your integrity than "just opting out".

I'm not going to to choose a side of petty or not petty. But I do want to point out that it is always easier to write someone off. It's easier to avoid her!

Really and truly I think you might just need some time to figure out why her actions get under your skin so much, you said you don't like who she's become. But that is who she IS and you can't change who she is. (trust me I've tried and tried with my sister) Being a family is about accepting each other and who we are.

Go to the party. If she acts bitchy, then tell her she's offending you, if she cares, like shes claiming to then she'll apologize.

I hope this helps.

Since you moved here so that your son could have a relationship with your family it seems that you will need to go along with family activities to reach that goal. I do understand not wanting to participate in all activities. It sounds like you did participate with family in other Christmas plans? It is good to develop your own ways of celebrating but, if you want your son to know your family, you do have to be involved with family.

How will not going to your sister's party affect the way other family members feel about you and your family? If you will still be included in other events with the rest of the family then I think it's good to just tell your sister that you're not able to go on that date and at that time. Do the socially nice thing and apologize and send a gift.

I would not do anything that makes a break with your sister but I would keep her at "arms length." Your sense of integrity and feelings of sanity are more important than pleasing your sister. What is important is that you do be involved with the other family members as often as reasonable so that they get to know your son and he them. I agree that family is very important.

She showed up! Your sister is making an effort. Go to the party. I bet it will be more fun than you think.

Absolutely you can create your own family traditions, but I think you will be sorry if you cut your extended family off. Stand up for yourself while finding a way to compromise. Find a way to blow off your sisters "disapproval" of your choices. Do your best to laugh her off and not let her get to you.

It sounds like you are sensitive about your birthday. I'm sorry they hurt your feelings. Try telling them.