Should I Expect More from My Siblings?

No. I haven't had that problem. It sound like they are single & pretty self-absorbed. I know it's upsetting. My daughters daddy's famiy has never gone out of their way to see her. Not even his mother. I understand but I think when they grow up (I mean emotionally) & have kids of their own they will understand & wish they had spent more time with them. I'm sorry but I don't know what to tell you until that happens.

S. I agree with the other posters that this is a guy thing. Men just are not all that interested in babies, in some cases even their own, until they are old enough to rough and tumble with. Let it go. They are not unusual or mean-- just men.

Two of my brothers married women that could not have children. When I was younger I thought that they would come to see US all the time because they didn't have the expenses we do, i.e. kids. Instead they were involved in traveling and their own interests. In all the time my older kids were little (they are 22 and 20) not ONCE did they come and visit us! In fact I don't see that changing, if we want to see them we go to see them. I wish it were different, I love my siblings dearly! But it doesn't help to grumble about it. Occassionaly they send gifts for us and the kids and they always pay attention to the children when we are at their homes.
What I have learned is this...they get to travel to Europe, kayak rivers, have nice, NEAT homes and nice furniture. But in the end they don't have a child that says, "wub u mommy" or someone to draw you pictures, give you hugs. And when they get older, someone to help you around the house, giggle with, share stories with. AND when they are old enough...pick out wedding dresses, flowers and tuxedoes. YAY! And when you are old and grey? Someone to chat on the phone with, be a buddy with, someone to be there when you need them.
I don't know about you but I feel like the lucky one. =) So be easy on your siblings, love them and hope that they change, and if they don't, love them anyway!

I agree with the other post. Trying to force family, or anyone, to be involved with your life/children just breeds resentment. It either is a priority or it is not....and gender is not an excuse. Painful, for allot of reasons, but what you CAN control is how you respond to it. My cousin's husband's parents never had an interest in being involved with her or their only (biological)grandchild. They did keep in touch with their son. That being said, they also did not get along with ANYONE.....kind of hermits. Her FIL also had not spoken to his only brother/brother's family for over 50 years. Her MIL was estranged from HER family. The MI/FIL had no friends. My cousin tried, for the sake of her husband and son, for years to encourage interaction and then finally accepted the MIL/FIL decision to not be a part of their lives. I think you have to try and accept the situation (it is THEIR loss) and if they eventually come around, then good, if not, then it is what it is.

I don't have the same problems. Reallly, I just wanted to say I'm sorry and that I feel your hurt. Mostly, I just think men are wired differently and since they don't have kids, then they don't get it. And it's ok. I mean it hurts and it stinks and it's depressing around holidays especially, but I just think it's them. And should your brother's wife have a child, I think it's great that you would want to be there for her. You know what it means to have like minds around.

Don't let it upset you too much, I don't think you're going to be able to change them. My brother lived about 1 1/2 hours away and we only saw him when we drove over to visit my parents. I'd have to call several times for him to meet at my parents because he still lived about 20 minutes away. I would come home with my newborn son and 1 1/2 year old daughter and he'd be out with friends or his girlfriend the whole time I visited. Then, he'd come by for a little while, and visit for a few minutes and then go hang out on my dad'd computer. He saw my son once when he was a month old, then again when he was about 6 months old then twice more after that and my son is now almost 2 1/2. He and his girlfriend moved to Arizona and I went there to visit once. It's hard when family moves far away and you don't have a lot of extra vacation time. My sister on the other hand is much much more involved. I agree that it is particularly hard at this time of the year. It's the holidays, a time for families to be together. I'm sad that I won't see my brother until the spring, probably. One thing that keeps us close though is emailing pictures - his girlfriend has an 8 yr old, so we do email pics back and forth.

I live close to my siblings so I cant put myself in your shoes totally but I would be really upset. I could see if the baby was 6 weeks and they hadnt came yet but 6 months it seems like they could have planned a weekend to come. I would try to invite them once more, make sure they know they can stay at your house for the weekend(if thats ok with you) and if they still dont come-I wouldnt ask again. You do have to remember also that they are men and not putting men down in anyway, some of them just arent interested in babies. They are your brothers though and should have seen the baby and they should call to see how he is doing.

Unfortunatly, I can relate to this. My second daughter was born 6/8. It took my husbands brothers family two weeks to come over and it only happened because my 3yr old wanted to telephone her godfather and then asked him to come and visit and see her new sister (She introduced and invited everyone she saw including people in the grocery store to come nad meet Ella). His sister never came over... she waited for us to come over to her house for the entire families fathers day celebration (then never attempted to hold her-she sat in her car seat most of the time. nor did anyone else until we decided to leave several hrs later). They all came over within days of my first daughters birth. These people all live within 30mins of us. His sister within 10!
Although, it's very painful.. be grateful for the love you have for your kids and the family you've created. They may or may not develop a higher regard in the future. Don't let it effect you or how you love them back, keep your doors open they may walk through someday. Be yourself, love who you are and know that you've been blessed with little people to protect, shape into the best people they can be and love them with all your heart.

Boy can I relate! My brother has NEVER seen my two youngest children. My son, whose almost five, was born when my brother was still living in town!! Now he lives across the country. Honestly, I gave up! He's involved with his family and his in-laws. It's sad but I feel he's the one missing out! Cherish the friends and family that cherish you! That is what keeps me going! Good luck; Men rarely change!!

Mom to four very loved children!!

Some people-men or women-just don't like kids. Other people like their own kids, but aren't interested in other people's. I very rarely see my niece and nephew and don't drive to see them, even though it would be easier for me (no kids yet). My sister and I just don't have much in common any more. All she talks about is her kids and her house and petty dramas involving our family and other people. I'm busy with my art, a business, traveling and school. She and I used to talk about interesting things, but it's like she's gotten a dumb since now she's around children all the time. She will ask about my life, but only to be polite briefly before bringing the conversation back to her kids, so I rarely talk to her on the phone now. Plus she's raising her children to be very materialistic. She actually got mad that I don't send her them gifts. Her annoyance with that was completely out of the blue, since our aunts never mailed us birthday or Christmas gifts. I think she's gotten rather selfish, and her kids are likely going to end up being little brats. I eventually want to have children and spend time with other parents and kids who are raising their kids with similar values to me-people who don't insist on "buying" things and who have passions and continue their education and cultural pursuits into adulthood. Even when I have children, I doubt I'll have them around their cousins too often. They would simply be a bad influence.

I think that siblings without children just don't get it. I don't blame you at all for being hurt. My sister is my best friend and she adores my son. She works near to where we live and her train takes her right past my house. When I was pregnant, she made promises of coming by once a week to visit so I could go to the grocery store, etc. She works in a school and has summers off so I bought an extra beach pass so we could all go to the beach together. We didn't go to the beach once. She has probably stopped by after work three times in two years and when I call her she tells me to give my son a hug for her. I feel like saying "do it yourself!!!", but I don't. In her mind, she's really busy and I don't think she realizes that her nephew won't stay this small forever. We're also contemplating a move out of state, of which she is unaware, and I just keep thinking "if we're gone, are you going to regret not ever coming to visit?" but who knows. I've tried to confront her but she gets really defensive so I just don't bother anymore. My mom even makes excuses for her. I just don't get it. I'm sure your brothers care, but just don't realize the value of actual time spent with your kids, both for the sake of uncle-nephew bonding as well as for your sake as siblings. Does your mom know how you feel? Maybe if they're relying on information from her, she could also drop hints about how important a visit would be to you. In the meantime, I guess just try to let it go. They won't get it until they have kids, and even then, they're men so maybe they never will. I'm sorry that this hurts you and I don't blame you. Good luck! I hope they come around for you.

Hey S., Are we related? I too have two brothers who don't extend phone calls or visits. I have learned to decrease my expectations of them, even though it hurts. I am trying to recognize that they cannot give me something they don't have or don'e know they don't have. I truly don't believe they even think about it. When I call, send cards, and birthday gifts (to bro's kiddos in FL, I no longer expect Thank Yous or anything else... and this is okay with me now because my goal is to let those kids know they are remembered. carmen

I'm sure this isn't what you want to hear, but I think you are just going to have to either 1)ask them why they haven't visited and be prepared to hear "we don't like kids" or 2)just go ahead and accept not everyone feels the way you (and I) do. You know, it could be something as simple as they are afraid of being in the way since you've got a lot going on with a baby and toddler, so you may have directly ask them if they do not want to come over or see if you could try to get them to tie down a specific date that they will visit. Instead of saying "Please come visit anytime, we'd love to have you", say "Can you come visit on the weekend of Jan X" or something. If they blow you off for several different dates, I would try the direct approach.

I don't think this is that strange. They are men who have never had a child. My brothers are older than me who had children long before I did. One brother was awesome at calling and drove for the baptism (which really impressed me). The other one doesn't really seem that interested and doesn't really surprise me. I look back on how my husband would have been before kids, and I don't know if he would have shown much interest either. Not that he doesn't care, it is just that he wouldn't know what to do. Sometimes men (not to be stereotypical)but really need to be shown what to do. I am suprise that their wives haven't done anything. they will feel a little guilty I am sure once they have chidren of their own. I know that all men are not like this but I do think it is normal and you should take it personally.

Unless your very close to your brothers I wouldn't expect much from them. In my situation, my older brother who is married with 1 child has seen my kids maybe 3 times. I have a 4 year old, 2 year old, and a 1 year old. He's never see the 1 year old. My youngest brother came to see each of them in the hospital but we see him maybe once a year. As for my middle brother for whom I was the closest to has seen my oldest a handful of times, saw my middle child 3 months after she was born once, and todate has never seen my youngest. I was so hurt that I've lost contact with him, he makes no effort to see them, maybe he is too busy with his wife and 3 kids. So my point is maybe as we all grow older and have our own lives we shouldn't expect much from our siblings. Just know that you have made the effor to invite them and make them a part of your life and if they dont do the same in return just accept it and continue with you life.

I wouldn't be too upset. They probably aren't doing it deliberately. Chance are, they just don't think about it. I know our kids are the center of our lives, but they're not of others. I have several brothers and sisters and they rarely call or ask about my daughter. They are all very very busy with lives of their own. I know you want your little guys to know their uncles, but there's probably not a lot you can do. They probably do get most of their information from your mother. It's unfortunate, but it's kind of a guy thing. Have you been to see them? I know it's hard with two kids, but that may be what you have to do to see them.

I'm kind of on the other end of it as you, I guess. My one sister has moved all over the country while the rest of us live local (my parents and my oldest sister). I hate to say it, but I've only visited the sister who lives farther away once and that was before I was married and before either of us had kids. (We all grew up here around Chicago and she's lived in North Dakota, California where I visited her, Colorado, and now North Carolina.) We don't vacation much at all (once every other year or so) and the last vacations have been coordinated with work in some way. So we are not ones to travel much anyway, plus my sister comes to visit the whole family here once a year. I love her and her family, and yeah it would be nice to know her kids better, but with distance, it's a visit type knowing anyway and always will be so long as there is distance. We talk about the kids with our kids and try to know them through pictures, phone and email, but that is all that is practical for us at this time. My oldest sister who is relatively local at 1.25 hours away, we see probably once a month between birthdays, holidays, and random visits occasionally. But life gets hectic/time flies, and it is more limited with working. My guess is that your brothers don't see it as a priority because there is a distance anyway, and they are males without kids themselves so it's not in their thinking pattern. My one brother in law didn't even acknowledge that we had a kid until a few months later with both our boys (now 3.5 & 2 years old) and he lives about 2 miles away and would come over, but just completely ignore there was a baby in the room. I thought it odd since it's his only nephews/relatives of his, but accepted that it just was not in his realm of thinking. Lately he's acknowledged the 3 year old more, I think because the 3 year old can now carry on a conversation and such and likes to "hang out with the big boys" in the garage (his Daddy along with my husband's brothers and friends). Personally, when my oldest sister had her kids I was ecstatic because she lived pretty close and I love kids. When my second sister had kids, it was farther removed because she lived in California and then Colorado at the time. I'd say try not to take it too personally since they are males and are 7 hours (which is not really that close as you mentioned since it would reguire overnight stays and such) away. Maybe you could go out to visit them when you visit your mom and make it more like you guys wanted to see them and their seeing the baby is a perk so they don't feel a baby is pushed on them if they are not kid type people. I don't know many men who call just to chit chat so that's likely why they don't call to ask about the baby. Do they do email maybe (my husband doesn't do email either, but maybe they do)? I hope this helps!

S.

i can relate, my husband has two brothers (half brothers) whom i have never met and have never shown much of an interest or care in getting to know me. they did not respond to our wedding, wives did not attend or respond to shower invites, engagement party invites, never sent a gift. when we found out we were pregnant with our son, my very excited husband sent out the ultra sound annoucning it was a boy and again no response. the one brother has made attempts...but we're usually the first to extend any news, correspondance, etc. they live in minnesota and wisconsin we are in chicago.

after our son's birth my husband's brother in minnesota and his wife did send a gift but did not attend the christening regardless of the invite and the fact that they were in town visitin our other brother in-law.

my whole point to this is that i initially from wedding to baby (and still on occasion) became upset by this. i did not understand why his siblings were so cold and self involved. then i realized as time has passed that i am doing the right thing by reaching out and they are the ones losing out in the situation.

you have every right to be upset and expect more, but some people are just down right selfish and self involved. i would not take it personally, do your best to keep the waves of communication open and continue to tell yourself it's their loss. surround yourself with people who will be there for you and your family, who love your boys and make them their "aunts and uncles". friends can sometimes be better than family in these cases.

if you're parents are still alive, i would also suggest doing what my husband did...tell mom and dad and get everyone talking. it didn't help, but it helped him to not be so hurt!

hope that helps and happy holidays
meg

I thought I was reading about my family!!! My parents and brother & SIL all live in Dallas while I'm up in Chicago. My brother and SIL can go to CA to see her family every 3 mths and go to Vegas or LA to hang out with friends for a long weekend but somehow can never seem to make it up to Chicago. They always promise to come up but then I never hear from them again....I love my brother and SIL but I know they live a different lifestyle then what we have. They are just in their 30's own their own company & no kids.

When I said something to my Mom she told me that they really do ask about us & the kids everytime they are over at my parents house (3-4 times a month). I took it on myself to e-mail my brother letters from the kids and for b-day/holidays I send cards(to my uncle/aunt). While it doesn't always make him call I know he tells my Mom (who tells me)that he got an e-mail or cards from us.

I think it is a guy thing, it's nothing against you or your children...just men don't think about stuff like this.

Good luck, and try the e-mail, card, picture CD thing....a good guilt trip can go along way....

J.

S. my husband has brothers just like this. Although, they only live 2-3 hrs. away, they have not once in 10 months come to see us. We have made the trip downstate several times. I think people get caught up in their own lives (maybe your brothers have some personal things going on?) and people forget that there are other people in their life that need them...that being said, try not to take it too personally (I know that's hard). They may come around--they may never come around (their loss). But you can only direct and control your own feelings, not anyone else's. Maybe think twice about sharing your kid's personal details, and eventually the brothers will start to ask questions. Maybe pull back a little and see what happens. FYI My dad's side of the family has always been like this and they have never changed. Some people just will never appreciate family:(

S.,

I can completely relate to your situation. I only have one brother, but we've always been very close, so I naturally assumed that when I had kids he'd be a fantastic uncle who was very involved. I couldn't have been more wrong. He expressed mild interest when my daughter was born, but didn't really know what to "do" with a baby. Outside of saying "Hi" to her, he generally ignored her presence when we hung out. He still asked us to go out with him last minute, not realizing that now we had to orchestrate a complicated scenario involving money and a babysitter that we trusted who was available. I have noticed the older my daughter gets, the more he interacts with her. I guess guys just aren't good with babies, especially if they haven't had any of their own. But he would never make a special trip "just to see the baby." It's always to spend time with us, and she's always an interesting happenstance once he arrives. I don't think there's much anyone can do about this kind of thing. I go through the same thing with our friends who don't have kids. They just assume that you have a new life now, & won't be available nearly as much. And most single people have no interest in other people's kids. Or they assume if you wanted them to come by, you'd invite them. Since you've already tried inviting your brothers, and it hasn't worked, maybe you could try talking to them and explaining how it makes you feel. 7 hours is a pretty significant drive, whether you have kids or not. But they could express interest in other ways, if that was their complaint. Good luck! Let me know how it goes!

I just keep reminding myself that not everyone is to thrilled with my starting a family and that it's not so personal as they don't care about me or the baby, but that they just don't care enough to make the extra effort.
I grew up in a family that made every effort to get together throughout the year for different things and my husband's family isn't quite as much like that. They also kinda figure we should be bringing the baby to them, where as my parents come to see us so we don't have to travel.
Try not to let it upset you. Some people are just wrapped up in their own stuff.

Hello S.
If it makes you feel any better none of my family
comes over, with the exception of one sister, I have 3 sisters
& 2 brothers. I also have a sister-in-law who comes over
quite a bit with her two kids, who are 9 & almost 5. No one
else comes over unless I invite them, pretty sad don't you
think, everyone lives really close too. No one has to drive
over an hour to get, for most of them it's about 30-45 min.
drive. As for are you expecting too much from your brothers,
it's hard to say. Sometimes I think we have to be more involded with our friends, you know what they say we can pick
our friends, but our family well,! need I say more. Keep your
chin up. Sometimes just talking about it helps. But sometimes there is nothing we can do with our family except
love them. I hope I could help you some, I do know that it
hurts when the one we love disappoint us.

In reality, yes you should expect more!!! Your children are really important to you and you want to show them off, but as you mentioned you have brothers. I have a brother and a sister and they are sorta like that too. They are great to my kids when they are around us, but they live a slight distance away from us and we don't see them very often. You must understand that people without kids are very different than us. I have 4 children ages 6 and under. Don't let this bring you down. Enjoy the spirit of the holidays and don't waste that negative energy being angry at your brothers. Just be the best person that you can be. When they have kids...be the better person and make it a point to show interest.
Have a great holiday!!!

I'm on the other end of this situation. My sister moved to southern missouri about two years ago. I've seen her once since she moved, and seen my two nephews twice.
She just had a baby girl about 3 months ago. My mom and other sister went down to visit over a weekend. Down and back, since my mom has to work and my sister has school (college). I was not able to go with them at the time.
I really want to see her, and the kids, but it is about a 10 hour drive for us to go there. My kids are 1 and 4, if I knew my youngest could handle several hours of driving at a time, I would go by myself, but it's not practical. I need help. So, we will go there as a family when we can.
It would be nice if they could visit, her other half also has family near my mom, but they usually blame gas prices for not coming... even once a year. I know finances are probably hard for them too....
so I guess I'm not really much help, other than to let you know that I'm sure you're family crosses their minds but life gets in the way. Leave the invitation open for a visit, and send pictures. I know my sister appreciates photos from us.
And our mom is the center of knowing what is going on between us all, and we all ask her when we want to know.

You have already gotten a lot of good responses and I didn't read them all so I am sorry if I am repeating anything. The ones I did read seemed to stress the male/female thing and I wanted to let you know it is not jsut females. My husband and I live 4 hours from his family and about 6 hours from my family. I have been disappointed in some family members and surprised by others. My younger brother came to see my daughter for her baptism when she was about 10 weeks old. He held her and everything. I was very surprised. Whereas my older sister, who was having problems conceiving at the time (she is now pregnant with twins) only stopped by when they were driving through town on their way back to their place after Christmas when my daughter was almost 4 months old and hasn't been back since and probably won't be now for a very long time. We will probably go visit when the twins are born (at least my daughter and I will my husband is stating that he will not). I after that I will try to see my niece/nephew(s) as often as I can and I will let my husband and daughter decide what they want to do.

My husband's sister has 4 kids, so I understand she is busy, but she is my daughter's godmother and has only been out here to see her twice, the last time being at her baptism. She didn't even come for my daughter's first birthday party. The expectation is that we will go visit them, since my husband's parents are there as well. I get very frustrated, especially with my sister-in-law and my sister. We have been to every first birthday party for my sister-in-laws kids and try to get back for as many other birthday parties and holidays as we can (we even went to an 18 month birthday party last month). But in the end I can't change things and since she is not my sister, I can't even say anything. So I have resigned to just do what I feel is right.

We will continue to try and see our nieces and nephews when we can but especially for the holidays and birthdays because we think it is important for the kids. Unfortunately my daughter's aunts aren't going to put that effort in so their relationships may not develop as strongly as we had hoped.

My suggestion to you is don't let it eat you up. You can't change other people. However, I would suggest that you speak with them and say something like "I just want to make sure that you know that you are welcome to visit us and your nephews whenever you would like." This will just make sure that they are aware that they will not be intruding or in the way or any of that. That way you will also have piece of mind knowing that you welcomed them to visit.

D.

Hi S..
My brothers are pretty much the same. It's about a 6 hour drive. The only reason that one brother came to see my daughter (now 7 months) about 2 months after she was born was because I asked his wife to be her godmother. They had to come. My other brother has never come up, never called, never emails, never responds to my emails with updates, did not come to the baptism that he was invited to ( and even says that he wasn't invited), and when he did see her when we went to back to visit, he didn't even hold her. It really bothers me. When he had kids, I WAS there the day they both were born. I almost lost a job because of being there. When my 4 year old was born, we lived 1 hour away...he didn't come to see me. His wife did though, not him.

I haven't confronted him about it...it's who he is. Family has never been important to him. I'm still trying to accept it and not be hurt.

You aren't alone with these feelings!
A.

My brothers are similar. Differance? They live in the same city as me.
But my husbands sisters both seem to call or we meet up quite a bit they live an hour away. I don't know if it's a guy thing or a girl thing *shrug* or how we were raise.. I rarely see my Aunts/Uncles who live in this town but I see my husbands Aunts who live an hour away.
I want to see my family but everyone seems so busy.

I have 2 older brothers who live across the country... we went to visit one when my daughter was 3 months old (needed to get away to CA for a couple days in the cold winter!), and the other JUST MET my now 25 month old for the 1st time over Thanksgiving. I completely understand your frustration! I feel like I shouldn't have to beg and plead to get them to see their niece... and I don't think I should have to haul her through airports, etc just so they can see her! My husband gets downright upset about it, b/c he feels we go out of our way to include them, and they can't make a simple trip to IL (and one is a pilot who can fly for free!). I don't know if there is really an answer... but you are not the only one going through this!!!

I would have to say it is a guy thing. Men have no interest in kids, unless they are their own. They are so not like women, and typically don't get as excited as we do about these things. I remember when I had my son. My mom and brother stopped by to see him (about an hour and 15 min drive) After they got here, my bro left to get some food, came back, ate it, then left! LOL I have come to accept this and it doesn't bother me. It's just the way they are. Don't take it personally against you or your kids!

I am sorry to hear you are bummed about your brothers. It's hard when your family disappoints you. I know my husband isn't very good when it comes to his sisters and calling back - especially his eldest who lives in a different state. I think it might be a "boy" thing. And probably because they do not have children of their own, they are just wrapped up in their own lives so try and not take it personally. As moms we want everyone to go crazy over our babies. In reality, most others might not care very much. Have you brought up your disappointment to your mom? Maybe she can help.. and if not, maybe talk to your brothers about it. Good luck!

Not to be stereotypical but I think that guys get less interested and chatty about babies despite being your sibling. They probably do get updates from your mom so they dont see that it would be a nice gesture to inquire or call or visit the nephews. I have a brother in law and two sister in laws and they really dont ask much about their three nephews except for when we drive up there. I am not sure if its the age too because they are fairly young with their own lives. My sister loves to hear stories about them and she has no kids but I think its because she is older and more mature - she's in her 40's and my siblings in laws are in their 20's
It's hard but you cant force them to be active in the nephews lives. Guess include them in the news and just have to leave it at that. Sorry and good luck

You are right, the holidays do bring out weird issues and feelings dealing with family. It is sad when family doesn't take an interest new members, but sometimes people just are not capable of a lot. My brother in law and his family never met my son until he was 30 months old and his sister was 7 months....and that was very hard to set up....we had to drive 4 hours away to meet them halfway at grandmas house and then they only had a 5 hour slot of time to visit....and that was the first and last time we saw them. I don't understand people, but it appears to be important to let go of all expectations of them.....just try to be a good person & treat people in the way you feel appropriate....and love your kids....remember it is their( your families) lost not getting to know your wonderful kids. It's hard but try not to worry and have a great holiday!

My advice is accept them for who they are, don't take it personally and by no means let it upset you. Perhaps you could take a family trip to visit them instead? Yes, it will take effort by you and not really by them but it would serve the same purpose. My family is so screwed up (far too much to even begin to explain) that the only way I've survived in all of it is to stay as neutral as possible. People are different and you can't force your beliefs on them (like a belief in the importance of family) even so (or in spite of) them being your siblings. A confrontation will only foster resentment and/or anger and will probably push them away more.
Good luck.