Seeking Advice for Older Siblings Holding Little Brother

Your husband has a serious control issue and some kind of issue with "your" kids. He needs some therapy. I don't mean this lightly.

Kids of divorce always feel like the odd man out - they rarely have a home (or two homes), they have places they visit and they have a hard time feeling secure. This is even worse in remarried families with new babies. The "first" kids tend to feel replaced, abandoned, neglected, insignificant. You and your husband need to counter these feelings by being fair and equitable to all of the kids. He definitely needs individual and family counseling to see this and change his behaviors. It doesn't matter if he doesn't love your kids as much as "his" - what matters is that the kids NEVER know there's a difference in how he feels.
I'm sorry to be blunt, but if your husband refuses to change his attitude toward your children, he is going to damage them and your relationship with them. To protect them, you may have some really hard choices ahead about your marriage, your children's living situation, etc.
I am so sorry you are going through this, but I have been through it and seen the damage it does to kids and have had to walk through some really horrible lashing out, anger and destructive behaviors in my kid(s) because of things my first husband did to them.

I know you say he does, but he is not treating them like he loves them. I would say he needs some counceling or this will always be an issue. He obviously is not accepting them as his own. Sorry, I could see how this would be maddening!

Hello, He needs to get over it. You kids are at an age where they can and probably want to help with the baby. You are right when you say that he is damaging their egos. My oldest grandson is half brother to our seven year old grandson. His step-father is so wonderful to him. He treats him as if he is his own. He is very protective of his little boy, but never tried to keep the older one back. I feel so bad for your older children. I would make if very clear that they are all your children and that he needs to accept it and that when you need her to (if she wants) you WILL leave all three kids with your mother. If he doesn't like it, TOO BAD. He can just go pout somewhere. He is not only damaging your older children, but the younger one as well. I came from a family where my mother favored some of her children and grandchildren over others. It is not good to be on either side of that.
Good luck with your precious family.
K. K.

I agree with what others say but there is nothing YOU can do. I wll pray for you all and hope your children aren't damaged from what is already taking attention and love away from them. Your children are young and should have an adult nearby and they sit with baby to hold him.

Well he is showing he does either does not "like" nor "love" your kids... NOR "trust" them.
If he has no precedent in which to judge them so negatively... then he is being over-protective... in an ill-meaning way.

Yes, your kids already feel the difference in treatment from your Husband. You said they steer clear of him out of "fear" because of what he will say if they go near baby. They will grow up resenting their Step-Dad TOO.
Perhaps, your Hubby has not really "accepted" them, and considers them "not his" so he has no attachment to them emotionally. Which is unfortunate and very sad... a sad poor reflection on HIM.

For the impact and development of "your" children... HE has to mature toward them and learn how to love. And not in a discriminatory way...

Perhaps... if he TRULY realizes and recognizes... that HIS behavior upon "your" kids WILL LEAVE A LASTING LEGACY upon them as they grow up... then he will re-think his attitude toward them. A "family" should include everyone... and fair treatment. Not just pegging "your" kids as potential "harm" to your/His baby....

In life, anything can happen.... and accidents or not... he should not just displace HIS FEARS onto "your" kids. Its not fair. He's the ADULT here... and so he has to show leadership/empathy/concern/fairness/and maturity.... they are ALL children... regardless of whether they are his "blood" or not. They are ALL your and his family....

He seems to be feeling perhaps, "not in control" of the "what if's" that could happen, in light of your/his newborn. So... he has to problem solve that in a FAIR way... in a mature way. PERHAPS... having a weekly nice family "meeting" about things and just talking openly and in an understanding/supportive manner... can help HIM to feel better. Use the "family meeting" as a way to "connect" with the kids, your hopes/wishes and "rules" about what AND how to handle a baby, too. Kids NEED to be "taught" about how to handle a baby... (we taught my eldest child that when my son was born).... and it really helps the eldest children to UNDERSTAND why and how to approach a baby. BUT.. the family meeting should NOT be used as a way to admonish or scold nor punish the kids... it should be a way to CONNECT and commiserate with the family TOGETHER and WITH the kids...and to express any concerns/goals/needs/praises of the family or kids, nicely and fairly. So everyone feels like a "TEAM" and all in it together. Your Hubby... if he continues this way... HE will "splinter" the family/kids and alienate everyone... which will negatively impact you/the kids... and it will ripple into other areas too.
Young children, no matter if "blood" or not... need nurturing and "trust" and love... and working through it as a TEAM.

Your Husband... to me is acting like a fearful man... and "blaming" his fears upon "your" children. And.. he is alienating everyone, causing ripples of problems... which you nor "your" children deserve. How about just telling him that? AND.... baby should not have to grow-up seeing/learning that "your" kids are treated differently... or thought of "badly" by your Husband.
He has to CORRECT his erroneous attitude/fears... before he causes more problems in the family and with the children.

A Man, a Dad, a Father... leaves a "legacy" upon his children.... emotionally and upon their development. For years to come. So, it would behoove your Husband, to "decide" what kind of Legacy HE wants to leave upon ALL the children... and how HE will either be a loving-glue for them... or not... bringing the family closer together or not....
It is a choice. With which a child cannot "choose"....since they are at the receiving end of "his" behavior.

Or maybe he is just a nervous "new" Dad...with his own baby now. But still... once a habit becomes regular behavior... it will affect everyone, and "your" kids.

All the best,
Susan

I recommend that the two of you get counseling together and deal with this. Do it now, before the behavior starts coming back the other way (from the kids toward your husband and, also likely, toward you for letting it slide).

I am the mom to a 12 yr old boy, and had a daughter w/my "new" husband 2 yrs ago. He didn't EXPRESS this concern to me, BUT i could SEE it in his face whenever "my" son held our newborn daughter....I decided to make a compromise -

I only let my son hold the baby while he was sitting down on the couch or bed, and i put a pillow on his lap for extra support. i then involved my son in bathing the baby (with me there), letting him drizzle the water over his little sister while she was safe in her "baby tub"......seeing these encounters between the kids helped my husbands face not to wince every time the two kids were in close contact with each other.

In your situation, (if it were ME) I would express to my hubby LOVINGLY & with a sincere, sweet "I love that you love our baby so much" smile.... that you understand his concerns for the baby's safety, but that he needs to trust your judgement in the fact that you've done this twice before and you know the capabilities/limits of "your" kids. and OF COURSE you wouldn't want anything to 'happen' to the baby either....

the other thing i used to do is grab the video camera when my son was interacting with his baby sis. i would say things like, "awwwww.....what a GOOD, GENTLE big brother you are!" and "You are being so sweet to her - she KNOWS who her big, protective brother is!"

For me, this accomplished "setting the mood" not ONLY for my husband, but for my son as well....it helped hubby to feel like a schmuck for being nervous/anxious, AND re-inforced "my" sons desire to protect and be gentle towards his lil sis! :-)

As a step-kid, I can tell you that there is potential for real damage to your two kids from your husband's actions. If your children are already fearful, what happens when they get older? When the youngest starts tattling? Trust me, get counseling now before everyone feels alienated and troubles abound.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I think you should talk to your husband when he's calm and relaxed adn just tell him you think you guys should speak to a therapist about this issue because it's something that's really bothering you.
Wish you luck!

I don't really think there is any advice anyone can give you , your husband is being ridiculous , does he think the baby is made of china or something? What is the problem if an adult is around to supervise? You are just going to have to tell him that this is how it is , the kids can & will hold & play with their new brother and if he doesn't like it then he can lump it.

Yikes! I'm sorry you are dealing with this - beyond the fact that your older kids need to spend time with the baby, the baby really needs the older kids, too! And after 4 months there is no excuse for your husband's childish behavior (not that there's ever an excuse for it, but I could see in the first week being a little nervous). I think you guys definitely need counseling. Not only is your husband disrespecting your children, he's disrespecting you - he doesn't trust you enough to monitor your kids. It really sounds like there are some serious issues going on and only professional help may help. Good luck, but please make sure all three of your kids are bonding, no matter what your husband says.

This would be a huge issue for me!! I would definitely think about counseling as one suggested.
I am a step-mother. Shortly after my step daughter turned 6 we had a child together. She was and has always been very involved in the daily care - the girls are now 15 and 9. Not only are you and your husband forming a bond with the baby, so our the older kids. I would personally NEVER accept this behaviour! What he is doing to your kids is completely unfair and wrong!

I'm not a step parent, but when I was growing up my parents let us all sit down and have a chance to hold the new babies as they came home(there were nine of us). They felt that by doing this, the older kids one, learned how to hold a baby and two, didn't feel left out and resent the baby.
Does your husband have siblngs, and where does he fit in his family? Did something like this happen to him? Meaning was he kept away as well.
Maybe tell him you can supervise at first to make sure that the kids know how to safely handle the baby then trust them. After all, if you never trust the kids how can they learn and you don't want to resent your husband for his treatment of the kids. The baby may be blood, but he is now acting father to your kids because they live with him and he shouldn't play favorites if he wants a happy house. Your husbabd could just as easily hurt the baby as the kids could.

How very lucky your new baby is to have siblings who want to hold him and be a part of his new life! How idiotic your husband is being in trying to diminish the significance of your children in your new baby's life as well as your life as a married couple. Your husband needs counseling asap (and probably best with you together) to learn to be a loving, sharing grown-up, and to understand that he married into your existing family. Your concerns are so valid and his actions/words are just so wrong and annoying (to put it nicely). Hopefully, your children will not resent him for his meanness.

Hi S.. I was 11 when my little brother (from my mom's 2nd marriage) was born. I was VERY excited and very involved, and my brother and I are close to this day. It is one of the relationships I most treasure. I would recommend two things right away. Allow your husband to read these responses so that he understands how much you are hurting, and more importantly, how NO ONE is supporting his stance on this. I understand he's a first-time dad, and I realize he may believe he is doing what's in the best interest of your son, but he is dead wrong. This is emotionally abusive to your other children and will lead to BIG problems for all of you if it isn't addressed right now. I highly doubt your marriage will last if things don't change. This is not a loving way to treat your other children, or a healthy situation for anyone involved. He needs some help with this. Sorry to be so forceful, but my heart is aching for your older kids :(

I agree with Kelly. I am in the opposite situation. I have 4 step-kids and only 1 of my own. My son was 3 days old and sleeping in his bouncy seat. I went outside for a couple of minutes to say hello to a neighbor who was talking to my husband in our back yard. When I came back in my 9 year old step daughter who hasn't been around little kids is heaving my tiny son into his swing. I had a FIT!! The look on her face was horrible. I was so angry because he is MY son. What an idiot I am!! I have 3 'half' siblings of my own and have never referred to them as anything but my brothers and sisters. He may be 'my' baby but he is 'their' brother. I think it's hard to share your spouse with kids that aren't yours and the feeling is only amplified when you have a baby. As a step-parent you have the jealousy issues that come with sharing your spouse but you can manage those feelings because the kids were 'there first'. The whole game changes when you have to share your baby with them. It has nothing to do with your kids. My step's are all great and I love them but not like I love my own son. You have the best of everything and your hubby takes second place. I thought I'd take center stage when my son was born but NOPE....still second best! You can't argue with him and make him see your way. You absolutely can't allow him to make your other kids feel insecure of their place in your family. That is what will happen as long as he continues to say things that make your kids feel bad. They will resent him and they will also start to resent you and the new baby too. My step's have a great relationship with my son now that he's almost 3 and I love it. Without my step kids my son would be an only child so it's really important that he has those relationships. I am VERY close to my siblings and can't imagine navigating life without them and we ALL have a different mother!! He will come around but you have to stand your ground.

Ask him how he would feel if something happened to him and his child was in the same situation as your boys are in now! Maybe that will help him see how hurtful his actions are to them and you.