Hello Ladies. I really need some advice on my husband. We have been married for a little over 3 years, but been together for almost 7. Our daughter is 11 months old. The first 2 years of marriage were normal -- we had the occasional disputes, but overall, a good time. It helped that we lived together prior to marriage & knew each other quite well. Our daughter was planned & we dearly love her. I work full-time, go to school part-time, do all of the shopping, housework, take care of the dogs, manage 90% of the finances, & take care of our daughter. My husband works full-time & goes to school part-time online. He doesn't help out with the housework, the dogs, or our daughter. He may spend a total of 10-20 minutes a day with her, at most. When we're home together as a family, or he's home with her all day with my dad, he's constantly complaining about her crying, screaming, or just making noise. (note: My dad watches my daugher from our home 3 days per week) To make matters worse, he doesn't work a normal 9-5 schedule -- it varies because he's in the food industry, and when he gets home, I have to make him dinner & stay up and talk with him no matter how tired I am or what time it is. Also, he expects sex every night & complains when he doesn't get it. A few weeks ago, I finally gave him an out. I told him that if he wanted a separation, then he could have it. I was tired of being a single parent & having to deal with him too. He never left & I thought we worked things out. Now he's complaining about wanting a 2nd child, but he doesn't help with our daughter, we just started new jobs so no insurance yet, & we're finally getting caught up financially, so it would not make sense right now. He says that he wants them close in age, but it's really so he doesn't have to deal with crying & screaming over a 5 year span of time. I've spoken to my mom & she's been supportive, but I don't want to worry her anymore than she already is. I don't leave my daughter alone with my husband because his patience is limited & when I go out by myself or with my daughter, I have to do it while he's at work. I'm at a lost. It's like he wants the marriage, but not the responsibilities. Please help!!!
Do NOT get pregnant. You will have twice the work and half the help (and we all know what half of zero is).
As for sex, if he's horny and you're exhausted, he has two functional hands, does he not? Get him a bottle of Astroglide and tell him to knock himself out.
He needs to man up.
You know that already.
I don't know of ANY couple that had another child to save a marriage that worked,
Why jump from the frying pan to the fire?
Double up the birth control! Lol
Will he do counseling?
That said, people generally get away with what we let them.
If he was getting home after MY bedtime, I'd leave a note saying: dinner's in the microwave or fridge. See you tomorrow!"
Do not have another baby.
Get counseling.
Good luck!
Having a baby never solves issues within a marriage. It just adds more stress onto the ones that already exist.
With you both working full time and going to school part-time... I can't imagine trying to add another baby. I CAN imagine a husband working night shift not having a lot of patience with a clingy crying baby. I'm NOT excusing it, but night shift can do wacky things to a person's ability to function and be nice.
If it were ME, I would not be trying to get pregnant until some other things in your lives changed. Only you know what things can change, if any, right now. This is the kind of discussion you have to have with your husband before you plan another child.
And frankly, if EITHER of you is throwing out an "offer" to hit the door... then neither of you have ANY business planning another baby.
Don't get pregnant that will not solve anything!!!!!!
You got your hands full! It sounds like you both have very busy schedules with work and school. Also, with your hubby being on an off shift, he is likely feeling disconnected from the family. Some men just don't deal well with toddlers. My Dad didn't. To him, kids weren't interesting until about the age of 4.
I don't know how much time you are spending together as a couple without the baby. I think a clear and honest conversation is needed between the two of you. I would suggest a date night. Leave your daughter with a sitter or family member and go to dinner. That is a neutral setting for your conversation.
I would not have another child right now. You have told him already that you would give him a separation. IMO that was not a good idea. You need to get to the root cause of this problem. Is he jealous of your daughter? I would suggest couples counseling where you both can discuss your grievances.
While some accommodations should be made because of his shift, no one should have sex if they are not wanting to and the other partner should NEVER make the person feel guilty. I HATE that. You need to voice your expectations to your husband regarding the care of your daughter. He needs to step up.
Marriage is one thing. Parenthood is another. While it sounds like you were both adjusted to married life pretty well, it is now time for both of you to adjust to life as parents. We don't know how we are going to be as parents. We can dream and plan and hope, but until you are in the situation, you just don't know what it is like and how you or your partner will react/respond.
I would suggest waiting on a second child for many reasons - your daughter is only 11 months old (that is really young - give her time to be a baby before she has to be a big sister), you and your DH are both SUPER busy, you do not have health insurance, you have both not yet adjusted to parenthood TOGETHER yet, two children (especially young, and especially close in age) can be a TON of work - more than double! - and can put EVEN MORE strain on your marriage, and most importantly, you just threatened/gave the option of marital separation!
Work on your marriage, work on learning to be parents TOGETHER, work on giving your little girl the best life and love and attention that you can, work on showing her what love is through your love for her AS WELL AS your love for her Dad (and vice versa).
Take time out as a couple for honest, open discussion about roles and expectations that you have of yourselves and each other as parents. Talk about what challenges you as a parent. Talk about how you can support one another in those challenging areas. Talk about how you can utilize your greater support network (grandparents, friends, etc) in those challenging areas.
Parenting is a HARD job! Parenting is the MOST IMPORTANT job! It is a hard role to be thrust into - which is really how we all get to be here, no matter how much we plan. You need support. Your husband needs support. Be there for each other. Seek other help if it is necessary. It is not about you any more. It is not about him anymore. It is about your daughter now. When we choose to have children, we choose to put their needs at the forefront and ours on the back burner. It is a balancing act, to be sure.
Best of luck to you.
He wants the sex and the convenient home life you give him without having to participate much. You've heard "have your cake and eat it too"? That's what he's doing and you're letting him.
I would very firmly tell him that unless he starts acting like a husband and father, there will be no more children.
I would also very firmly tell him that unless he starts acting like a husband and father, you are going to be considering separation, if in fact you are. Don't leave it up to him to come or go; you need to make a decision for yourself and your daughter. Either you are going to continue with life the way it is and suck it up or you are going to make some changes. He is NOT holding all the cards. You have your own deck!
Don't have another child with this man.
Insist on the separation.
Get some counseling and if you can both of you should cut back on something to make time for each other. With all of your responsibilities you both sound like you have stretched yourself too thin.
I know it is easy to think it's just the other persons immaturity and irresponsibility that is causing the issues, but realistically you probably both contribute to the problems and not having enough time can be a huge factor.
Good luck
Whatever you do, do not add another child into the mix as long as you have all of these marital issues and as long as you're both stretched thin on time and attention to your marriage and to your existing child.
You have your hands full and you both have busy schedules. I urge you NOT to get pregnant right now, even if you are otherwise ready to have another child. Right now, you seem to be married to an adult child (wants everything his way...all about him).
The two of you need to figure out if you are going to stay together and work on your marriage before any decisions are made about another child. Also in my opinion, you husband needs to "man up" and be a father to the child he has now before he has the right to "complain that he wants another one". He does not sound ready at this point.
It sounds that he wants the marriage because of the perks that go with it...you are there doing all the work and he gets to come home with meals ready, sex as he demands, and no responsibilities (outside of his work and online classes). If you were a stay at home mom, he should still step-up and be a dad and certainly not expect to do nothing at home. With you working full time and taking classes the stuff at home should at least be shared rather than one-sided.
Have you tried saying, sorry, Im too tired from doing everything myself all day. If you want sex maybe try helping me out around the house??
As far as your dd, my dh was the same way, he is actually a ton better with our second one. Not sure if its because hes a boy or just because he is a much easier baby, and rarely cries. It may be just doesnt know what to do with her, you could try giving him specific instructions. For example, I am going to take a shower, please watch dd, you can take her in her room and play with her blocks with her, or read her a board book, or feed her a snack, whatever she likes.
Once we had our second one, I couldnt do it all myself anymore, so dh had to start helping out, and I had to start letting go a little and let him do it his way. Even if that meant three hours of tv and chocolate milk for lunch. What he might need is just a little more alone time with your daughter so they can bond and he can understand how much work she is.
I wouldn't suggest this UNLESS I have done something similar to it myself.. which is a 12 STEP program.. in this case, poss one for co-dependency.. it might be a good idea to find out why you put up with what you do? it wasn't until I began such a program that I really got a good glimpse into why I was doing what I was doing.. What's great about such a program is one. it's cheap.. you needn't donate but if you do, they only ask for a couple of dollars per meeting.. two, you can go to different meetings and see IF there is one that resonates with you. also, there are NO questions asked... you go, see if you can relate , if not.. so be it..
I have found more than traditional therapy, hypnosis, eft, meditation and many self-help books that the program I go to has really been the thing I needed. In my case, I go to OA ... the principle steps are the same, whether you over-eat, co-depend, drink.. etc etc..
there is something for everyone..
bottomline, get to know you , use that as a starting point.. once you figure out what you don't want, then it becomes easier to find out what you do want and moreover what you are willing to put up with..
good luck in whatever you decide..
You are not happy. You are seeing what part of the load your husband is willing to carry.
Don't have another child unless YOU are willing to do that extra work.
He's letting you know what he's willing to participate in and some Dads are like that, they work and sleep and don't pay a lot of attention to their kids.... this is usually generational. You might be able to sneak some psychology in and help him "bond" with his child... he obviously hasnt otherwise he would participate without much suggestion from you.
You are doing too much and headed for burnout. Don't add another baby to your workload. Something's gotta change, or something's gotta go. Some possibilities are right there in your post: you cannot have sex everynight and have no time to listen to complaints about it, dh makes his own dinner and cleans up so you can get some rest and you have no time to listen to his complaints about it, dh helps with dogs and daughter and does not waste your time or wear you out by complaining about it.
There's a theme in your post and it sounds like you are doing all the work and your dh is doing all the complaining. You can't control your husband and his complaining. But you can choose to take care of yourself, do less and refuse to listen to dh's complaints. I hope you find peace before it's too late.
Absolutely agree with counseling suggestions...but I am sorry, I really got stuck on the e-v-e-r-y day sex??? Wow! Thank God my hubby won't be reading this! He is lucky if we get it on once a week. Good luck and really, make your relationship better before introducing another child to the mix!
You seem like a wonderful mom -- a supermom!
Have you told him what you need?? Laid it out for him to completely understand? Communication is key when having these kinds of problems. Try that first, some men are stupid like that. If that doesn't work, cut your losses and let the relationship go, as he seems dillusional on what marriage is and his responsibilities. You also have a sense of what doing everything is, you have your mom and dad, and it is frustrating to have a husband that does nothing.
It doesn't seem to have helped that you lived together or else you wouldn't have married him. You say you knew each other quite well but now complain about who he is, what he does and how he thinks. You both are working and going to school, along with having a young child. It sounds like you are both tired all the time and can't give your best to your daughter or each other. Do not have another child in these circumstances.
If you leave your husband, you will be setting your daughter up for a lot of misery. She will have to deal with living in two different houses, probably will have to deal with a step-mom and a step-dad, step-siblings, etc. - not usually a recipe for a happy life. It really is hard for a child to see step-siblings get to be with both of their biological parents full-time when she doesn't.
What to do? Stop taking classes until your daughter is in school. She is probably crying a lot because she doesn't feel the security of one parent being there full-time. Spend as much time as you can with her. See if you can budget and work less so you can be with her more.
Tell your husband that you cannot have another child now because you will not have the energy to be the mommy this baby needs with all of the responsibilities you have right now. If he is willing to let you stay home full-time and start cutting out the extras in order to do that, then great. Then you will have the time to be a mommy to two children. That would be the only way I would agree to have the children close in age.
Do not get pregnant.
Do seek counseling for you both. If he won't go, go alone.
Do not give up your school or job. It will give you more choices in the future.
Do not let him treat you this way. He is wrong to treat you this way, but you are wrong for tolerating it.
Always put your daughter's welfare first, no matter what.
Make sure you have a supportive group of people in your life to help you(you sound fortunate enough to have your parents).
Good luck. You have a tough road ahead of you.
It's time to go. He wants another child because he wants you more dependent and less able to pick up and leave -- less able to support yourself and the kids without him. What scares me most is his lack of patience with your child. It won't get better, no matter how many kids you have. Please go NOW. Good luck.
