Please Help.. - Pasadena,CA

Think of it this way... if you don't play your part to follow through with visitation with her dad, then she may blame you one day for not "letting" her see her father... and she will have many questions about him as she gets older, whether he is involved or not. If he does not follow through, then she will learn that you were not the one that kept her from him... that it was his choice, and not her fault or your fault. You can't shelter your children from bad, sad and angry feelings... you just have to teach them what it is they are feeling, that it is okay to feel that way, and how to manage those feelings in a healthy way. This is a lifelong skill after all, and it will serve her well if you can just work out these feelings with her... she'll be better prepared to handle life situations, because we can't save them from heartache forever! Good luck and hang in there... there are some really good books on identifying and expressing feelings for little kids... maybe you could look into this?

I understand your point, but he does have rights and most states won't deny them unless he abuses your daughter.
It's hard now, but better she see him for the person he is than to think you kept her from him.

I live in KS & just from hear say fathers have the right to be in their childs life rather or not it's off again on again relationship if you ask me the courts don't take into account for the children unless it is really an unstable environment & put's the childs risk into harms way or child endangerment.But the emotional hurt on the children it could be handled so much better than offering counseling..I have never been in the courts for child custody rights it is from what I have seen & hear say.
You'll have to ask all these questions when you go to court so for the judge can make his ruling & ask the father why he is doing this to his child maybe he will be asked to give up all parental rights to his child & then you'll never have to worry about your child seeing her dad again till she get's older & wants to have a relationship with him..

Hello, I am sorry that this is happening to you and most of all to your daughter. The best advice I can give you is to document everything, how often he sees her, her reaction to being left with him, her behavior before and after the visits. It is important that you not be negative about him to her or in front of her. He is her father and therefore is very important to her. Our grandaughter is not two yet and her father is not visiting as often as he should. She screams everytime he comes and will not have anything to do with him. He is still supervised during visits and has never tried to do anything else. He will not interract with her, hold her, comfort her, etc. However, we would never tell him he can't see her. Just hang in there for her. If you go back to court, or mediation, take your documentation with you. Maybe someone will listen. Also, she will make her own decision about him. She will want him to be a part of her life and will learn to either count on him to be there or not.
Good luck with your precious little girl.
K. K.

I know its hard to deal with for you probably more so than your daughter. At her age, she's really understanding YOUR feelings about this man, so that might also play into it for her.
Of course it's wrong of the dad to stay away for so long, but that aside, little girls NEED their daddy.
I think you should get some counseling to help yourself, and while you're at it let your daughter know that you love her and are there for her, but that visiting with daddy is a good thing and she'll be glad she did in the future.

Hello R.,
It sounds like you already know what her experiences are going to be. I don't know about you, but in my experience, the future has a way of giving me an experience different than what I imagined. The outcomes you are predicting are based on your biases, therefore you will project your ideas onto your daughter. If she doesn't have a relationship with her dad, she will create a wonderful fantasy father in her mind, especially if you have negative things to say about him and keep her from her experiences with him. The best you can do is love her and support her, keep your opinions to yourself, and allow her to experience her father when it works out. At some point she will make the decision whether to see him or not. Reinforce the idea that her dad loves her very much and he's doing the best he can to be her loving father. If the best is every 8 months, then so be it.
Good luck,
Wendy

Having a great dad myself, I know how important they are in a child's life. However, sometimes NO dad IS BETTER than a crappy dad. My ex-husband saw my daughter 5 times in 2009...and just once so far in 2010. Not for my lack of trying, he just can't be bothered. He didn't even bother to show up to court and that is why his legal visitation is so limited.

You might not be able to do much in the short term. Fathers do have rights of access to their children. The best thing you can do at this point is document every missed, canceled, promised visitation, etc. It can work in your favor in the event that you are able to go back to court and have the orders modified. I don't know the law in California, but in some states you can file an abandonment order after a certain amount of time passes with no contact from him--that does not change the amount of child support for which he is responsible.

The best thing you can do in the short term is watch what you say, encourage their time together, and NEVER tell her that he is supposed to come. That will help limit the disappointment when he doesn't show.

You just have to remind yourself that there are much worse things she could be going through. We can't prevent and repair every hurt and slight. Focus on building your relationship as her mother and it will work out.

I know in michigan you can request a change in parenting time. there is a $100 filing fee for that but every state or juridiction may be different. I was awarded almost the same as you , the only difference is he was awarded every other weekend and eery other holiday except mother's day and father's. but he does not abide by it he thought that he would come get my son when HE FELT LIKE! so instead of giving him the satisfaction on spending the same money that he pays for child support on court fees, i just tell him, my son has plans for that day, or he has an appointment or something. One time he tried to argue with me about it and told me i was lying, and i calmly told him" how would you because you don't ever ask what he's doing or what activities he is involved or see him on a regular basis to ask him your self so how you know? he couldn't say anything behind that. because he knew he was doing wrong. why waste the time of keep running back and forth to court over something that can be nipped in the butt by you. My son is also 4 so i know the feeling that you are having about this. good luck and i wish you well.

In my expierence (I'm a step mom and have been with my husband since his daughter was 5 months old, she's 15.5 years old now...)you can not keep the father away unless he is physically harming your child. She will not really have a voice in court until 11ish, it just depends on the maturity of the child. My husband was and is an awesome father though and fought to see his daugther!

With my SD, we rarely, if ever talked negative about her mom in front of her and vice versa. My husband and his ex did not like each other AT ALL, plain out hated each other and still do! But they kept their differences aside and SD has turned out great! Oh and she now lives with us!

My sister, who has the same situation - never really knew mom and dad together - had bad mouthed dad in front of her daughter and dad has bad mouthed mom in front of the kid. She has all sorts of issues and quite frankly has a crappy relationship with BOTH of them.

My point - I personally think it's VERY important to keep your feelings about your ex to yourself. In the end, it will hurt you...

Good Luck!

I was the 4 year old and I still remember having to go and talk with the judge about who I wanted to live with and how it made me feel when my dad didn't come when he'd say he would.

Now that I'm in my 30s - my father and I FINALLY have a relationship but its not an all year around thing...he & I really just get together the last two weeks of January when we (my husband and family go out to Sundance)...again its me STILL making the effort.

So if your daughter is truly hurt & confused - then I'd have appeal to the judge to talk with your child, to have an advocate talk with your daughter and then to the judge...but she's just going to continue to be hurt and its your job as a mommy to stop that.

i have been going thru the same thing and have been told that if there is court ordered visitation and he wants to see her there isnt anything you can do but take her to see him neither of my kids want to be around my x as much as they do to the point that my daughter has tried to make herself sick (vomit) to keep from going over there and i had to explain that the rules are what they are and although we are trying to fix them where they dont go over there as much (for diff reasons) we all have to follow the rules, they seem to be better with the explination but still dont like it cuz he dont follow the rules and stuff like that sorry it wasnt what you wanted to hear but you could always call your lawyer to make sure